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Falling in love is a loss of innocence

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Posted 05-29-2009 at 07:41 AM by Lin

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Would it be wrong to say I disagree?
I feel like there is no way that can be true, at least not now. I walk around with my torn heart in my hands bleeding out to anyone who can hear it's faint beat. And yet I feel no regret, no hate, just emptiness and sorrow. I don't understand why things happened this way, or what will happen in the future. I do know that a part of me is dying, slowly withering a way into a dark oblivion. A part of me that will never come back.
I guess the quote speaks more about the lessons you learn from lifes experiences, and how the knowledge you gain helps to keep you on the right path. That being said I feel like I have reached a fork in the road and I'm stuck spinning in circles.
I know it's going to take some time for me to see the good in this (Right now I'm not sure such a thing exisists.). I do however, feel like I've learned a lot, and have been reminded were my faults lay. For now I'll contine in my circles trying to make sense of all this before I make any more decisions.
I fear "falling" in love again, can it really happen again? I hate that I will always remember my first love. I know someday I'll be able to look back and smile. But now I'm afraid, afraid of love, and all it's strength. I feel like the word itself does not express its true meaning or purpose. (Then again in my cituation, I am bias.)
What does it truely mean to love someone unconditionally? I wish there were a way to understand without having to experience the emptiness that eventually follows.
I do want to move foward, but my feelings linger on. Why must we be tortured by this love lost for so long? Will it really help with the gloom of future hearbreak?
I want to be free, and yet I want someone by my side. We humans are awfully difficult to comprehend, always wanting. Wanting things that can cause much pain in the end, just to have experienced it.

Love is confusing, I'm still not sure I understand it...I'm not sure I ever will.
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