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Vivid Imagination

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Posted 04-21-2009 at 05:56 PM by Raynie_Lester

April 8, 2009
I managed to get by today. There was something tugging at the back of my mind, however. My future. I decided on two colleges I would like to go to; Wheaton and Rhode Island College. I signed up on my councilor’s list to meet with her about it. I’d also like to talk to her about my book. I started editing Untouched and by the time I’d do anything with the manuscript, the editing should be done.
There’s nothing I want more then to be an author. It’s the only thing I live for and I know in my heart, I will be devastated if I am forced to try for another profession. For years now, I have focused all of my energy on my writing and trying to improve. Writing is the only thing that keeps me sane. I would end up in a padded room and a straight jacket if my writing was taken from me. Writing is my air, my food, my sunlight. Writing is everything I need. If praying is what I need to do, I will pray. But, I know it will not help. It is only I who can make my dreams come true. I am the only one I can truly rely on. Myself and my family, of course.
There is one thing I have learned my junior year in high school is that being “cool” doesn’t really matter in real life. Being cool won’t help me get a job, publish my book, get into college and survive the cold cruel world. This revelation came today, actually. I have several projects in different classes and they all mean we have to go to the library. I watch my friends laugh about getting high and they talk behind each other’s backs. But that doesn’t faze me. All I wanted during that time was to come home and read, write, and just be ‘alone.’
That may strike some as odd and strange, but I have spent most of my life alone. Once my brother and sister hit their tween age, they were never around. They always had friends to hang out with. I didn’t. I was a social outcast. I did it to myself. It is hard to be an observer and ‘miss thing’ at the same time.
I developed a place that I now call “Dark Garden” but for almost ten years I called it simply “Play.” Not very creative, I’ll admit, but it covered the basics of what play was…is. Play was where I imagined and pretended with the invisible people around me, creating a world that made no sense, but was home. Play changed when I watched a movie and I would incorporate that into my world.
At the apartment in one of the towns I lived in when I was a child was when Play was the strongest. I wish I could have recorded it then, but I never thought it would affect me this way. There was a ‘boy’ that lived in the attic of the apartment. He would sit outside my window at night when it was open and keep me safe. He would listen to me when I spoke to him. He would accompany me while I walked my dogs around the backyard. Although I could never truly see him, the chilling night air would tell me he was there. He never failed to be there when I needed him. I started to rely on him even when the portal between reality and Play was closed in my mind. I had a hard time telling my self that it wasn’t real, ti was just Play. I almost spoke of play, I feared it so. Speaking of Play to anyone is against my own rules that I created. Speaking of Play would close the portal forever. Once we moved, I said good-bye to him and ever since, I have not been able to summon him again. I try. He was my one true love. My heart mourns for him now.
He was the only man I ever let in to truly break my heart. I will never do it again. I fear I do not have the strength to do this again. Real of Play, I will not allow it.
This is my first entry in this blog. I do not know if what I have written so far will be similar to entries that will follow. I only hope it will help with my constant fear of becoming insane. Some days I wish I was normal, but I know I am in to deep and will be forced to live this empty way forever.
Until next time.
Raynie
P.S. I just took out my companion, Daisy, for one last stroll before bed. April’s air is bitter and cold. The sky was a cryptic blue with the moon’s hidden face covered by the grey clouds. I tried to summon him, but besides my furry friend, I knew for sure I was alone. Normally that is a settling feeling, but tonight, I’d rather know he is still protecting me. I’d rather know he was with me. But I know after what I said and felt the night I made him go away, he will never return. I miss him. I miss the thought of him. It may be cryptic and insane, but those two words are what describe me, so I am not surprised.
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