marriage unproposal:
 

AnythingSo my girlfriend's dad isn't going to be around much longer. We've been dating for roughly three years. We both planned on getting married someday.

She just up and said "hey my sister asked me about this and i was thinking about it too-how would you feel about having a marriage ceremony? You know, before my dad dies?"

Firstly most of my friends don't even know we're dating, let alone living with each other because i wanted to spare the feelings of a boy i dumped due to "lack of time" (like a pussy). His friends are my friends and they would hate me for lying to them in such a way.

Secondly, she didn't propose to me. She asked me if we could get married so her father could be there. To plan this wedding i would have like a month, tops. We don't have any money.

If i said yes, i would have to hide it from my friends and my family until as such time was appropriate for us to do things the right way and have a proper ceremony where everyone is informed well ahead of time and i'm not shouting marriage out of the blue.

Thirdly, i feel as though rushing into a lifelong commitment due to time constraints for her dying father seems perilous at best. I only want to get married once and i want to do it right.

But i mean we ARE planning to get married anyway an dwhat kin dof an asshole woul di be to say "no" when her whole family is on about doing it for her father?

Okay let me get this straight, you have a girlfriend who you are living with and you have essentially told everyone you know that this girl is just a friend? That right there is enough to show that your relationship isn't in a good place for the smallest bit of commitment, let along getting married.

Yes, it sucks that her dad is dieing but that shouldn't be used against you if you don't feel comfortable with jumping into a marriage right now, if anything that makes her and her family the selfish assholes, not you. I'm actually kind of livid on your behalf that she would let her family put you in that situation, let alone that she would do it herself. The only way that a dieing relative should change wedding plans is to shorten the planning period for an event that is already being planned, not something that you think you are going to want to do some day.

It does feel pretty shit, Sol.

What happened is i was unhappy with my ex but didn't have the balls to break up with him like a grown-up so i told him i didn't have any time for a relationship. The fact was that my ex came back into my life and i wanted to be with her instead. All of my friends are mutual friends with the guy i dumped and since i said i had no time, i figured i would give it time and make it look like we just came back together after a while. How shit would it be for me to break up with someone citing lack of time to be seen next week with a new SO?

And then it escalated and i put it off more and more and now it's been like 2 years and i'm still telling everyone i'm single. So thats why come the secret.

I dunno. Her father is her best friend forever, and she's totally devastated. Her family would loathe me if i said no. I feel like she'd never forgive me, and i don't want to give her the impression that i don't eventually want to marry her.

Bugh. My own family would think i was stupid as hell for rushing into a marriage, even if i did keep it secret from my friends until the time is right to have a proper ceremony.

I'm the biggest daddy's girl on the planet, I talked to him about everything and I still have yet to find someone who I can talk with like I did with him but you know what? I'm okay that he wasn't at my wedding. Yes, I cried that I never got that father/daughter dance but I'm okay with it. He met Jake and he got to see what an amazing guy I was with and how much we love each other, that is what matters.

There will always be life events where it will hurt to feel the absence of someone you love so much, you can't let wanting them to be there be your only reason for doing it so soon.

Excuse me for butting in, but it sounds like keeping your relationship a secret really sucks. Why not just tell them the truth now, that you were afraid to break up the right way and told them a lie? I mean, it makes sense to me. :p

1) Your girlfriend pulled a proper dick move.

2) You give too much of a fuck about people.

3) If your friends are proper friends then they shouldn't be too bothered about you being a bit of a dick one guy.

I have to agree with the others; getting married when you're just now dating wouldn't be a good idea. It's really, REALLY sucky that her dad is passing away...but that just is NOT the solution.

As for your friends and all...well, that's a tough one. I personally feel that the sooner you come clean with everyone, the better. Yeah, they'll be angry that you lied to them. You may have to part ways with them for a while before they are ready to forgive you. But really, owning your relationship right now and being open and honest about it is more important than sparing a few people's feelings.

Like others have said, if they are truly your friends, they'll be okay with it, even if it takes them time. :)

You've kept your relationship a secret for 2 years. If I wanted to get married again, I wouldn't do it after being kept a secret for so long.

My advice is to completely wash your hands of the entire situation.

lol1234567

Aw, man, I'm so sorry for you. This is a sticky situation, and it seems either way you will play the unhappy part in this. If this was my mess, I think I'd talk to the girl and explain that it is hard for you, then invite the friends for coffee at my place and just fess up. If they are your friends, they will probably be hurt that you have been telling lies, but at least there will be honesty. If they are more loyal to your ex than yourself, they aren't really your friends, are they? Of course, I have no insight into how your social life works, but this is again how I would do things.

What is more important, however, is that you tell your girl you really do love her and want to be with her, but that this is a huge thing and you're feeling overwhelmed and feel pressured into doing something that you should do because you know you are ready for this responsibility and level of commitment, or whatever your feelings might be, not because you feel forced to. If she really loves you, she should not force you to do something that would potentially make you (and finally, herself) miserable. I know I want to marry my boyfriend, and I'd say yes this very minute if he proposed, but I know he's not ready, and since I care about him and love and respect him, I accept that. I would never push him into such a serious thing; marriage can only succeed if both parties are willing and entirely certain that this is just the thing their relationship needs. I have seen my mother's marriage break up into resentment, malice, abuse and chaos because she married too soon. Don't do that to yourself, dear, you're worth so much more than that.