splitting in two
 

i'm gonna go insane if i dont get to see my girl soon...it's like everytime we try to get together something comes up and one of us has to back out...it's been like this for over a month and it's hard...it's gettin hard to hear her voice and to talk to her online and everytime i do i start getting depressed, i used to be a cutter and i know i'm not going back to that, but i'm starting to feel like i did when i did cut.....i've been sittin here playing with my knives and stuff i'm getting careless with them, and i know it...though i know i'm not gonna cut, i refuse to break my promise to ash, it's just i dont know what to do with myself when i'm like this cutting isn't an option anymore, so mostly i'll wind up crying in my room or just spacing outside... it's like theres nothing i can do to stop this pain...i mean this isn't the first time we've had gaps in seeing each other, but the longer we're together the harder it is to not see her. we only live about 30 from each other, but with me having to look for a job and a place to live and a car and all that jazz on top of the stuff going on in her life, not much of it good, and her dad not liking me becuase i'm going out with his daughter. i honestly love her more than anything. she's the first person to make me feel since my mom died.
my friends are starting to piss me, especially my roommate... because me ash my roommate and a couple of other friends were going to hang out tomorrow, well ash's gramps has been in the hospital he just had sergery to get a pace maker like yesterday and he's going home tomorrow, adn we've tlaked about stuff ilke this (ash and i) we're both close to our friends adn family so we promised each other if something came up family is first, that's just how it should be and i know se needs to be with her family right now, well i told my roommate that tomorrow wasn't gonna happen adn why adn she goes "well it's like she's got every excuse to not see you" and i was like "you have no idea what's going on in her life right now you have no right to say that" then my friend i know her so well i know what she was thinking she had that look that said seh was thinkin "i think she's playing you and you dont see it" but see that just like pissed me off cause i know ash wouldn't do that, in her past yeah she would have, but not now...i've talk to her friends adn all they say is "what'd you do to her? youre the first girl to keep her in line and that she hasn't cheated on" adn ash's told me that she'd never hurt me becuase if she did she'd die because se couldn't live with herself knowing she'd hurt me (my friends tell her the same thing so we've cleaned each other up) figeratively and physically...me with my cutting and her with drugs...we're so open about everything and all my friends just keep trying to put me down which makes me feel worse about not seeing ash. especially after the last time we saw each other......we wound up in tha bathroom crying...me because her dad hates me so much he changed his mind in the middle of the night about lettin her spend the night and decided to come pick her up and ash because she knows me so well se figured i was gonna cut and she didnt want me too......
i feel like i'm splititng in two...like something is ripping a whole in my soul...........

yeah i think i'm done venting now......

This goes in rant in the whining section. Just thought I would let you know. You will still get flamed though because everyone here will reinnerate (sp?)on this.

Anyhow, from my point of view it sounds like you are having your doubts about the situation yourself. I am going on how you worded your rant. Don't put all of your trust in one person because if they let you down it will feel like the world is crashing down on your head.

If you feel like cutting, go out and walk for a couple of miles. It relieves tension like you wouldn't believe. Plus you will be replacing those endorphines you get from cutting for the ones you will release when you cut. Its the same thing really. I know a lot about this one.

if youre going to do this....do it in the appropriate place.

A Rose by any other name...
 

Shit! When I first saw this on the board I thought "I don't remember posting anything called that...

This name similarity thing even has ME confused...

Let her go and just be friends with her. You are too young and dispite everything she has done for you, like creepy said, don't put your world on the shoulders of one person who clearly is not strong enough to lift your world (she has her own heavy world to carry as well).

It's time for you to move on. Perhaps this is best for the both of you. Have you ever thought that maybe you are making her feel pain? Let go of your stubborn dependability and your fear of being alone (you have friends who are concerned about your welfare - you're thinking about cutting yourself and no matter how much you try to hide that pain people notice it, especially friends, not to mention your family) and move on with your life. Like my father used to always tell me, "do you "love" this person enough to want to marry them and spend the rest of your life with them?" (mind you he is very Christian, but in a good non-denominational way)

You will always love her because love cannot be broken through merely breaking up with someone. You should know this. Your mother passed this world but yet you still love her, and (in my belief system) she still loves you. Whats a mere breaking up with someone going to do to a bond that can even transcend death? (if you share my beliefs that is) When you two are ready, if you are ever ready, then join together again. If not, then ah well, you two will still talk and you will always remember how she lifted you up when you were in the pits of dispair after you mother died and never forget the bond you two shared for such a very very tiny part of your life.

Put down that knife, think about the good times anticipate that life is life and is not worth living without its bad times, and be happy. Hope my "baby" wisdom helps (I'm a youngling too, fresh out of my teens. Those dark years were truly "yesterday" for me) :D

Alright, I will try to post something a little more helpful. :wink:

It's all well and good for you not to cut because of the promise you made, but if your will is strong enough to keep from cutting for a reason such as that, maybe this would be of some help.

It's a shitty idea. Cutting will release endorphins, cause enough pain to change your mindset, and at best distract you from the things that are bothering you, but won't actually solve anything. It's no more helpful than taking a drink, shooting up, or any of the other myriad of things people do to avoid actually dealing with their problems.

It also may well be (purely conjecture on my part) a behavior that could drive your girl (and anyone else) away.