You got the use of thou, thy, thine etc. correct now that other people pointed it out to you, but it still doesn't work in my opinion. Why are you so eager to use thou's when the rest of the poem is in modern language? It would be much better if it was either consistently old English or consistently modern English. An example:
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Dead Blue Grind
Revised
thou is my heaven at the end of the world.
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"Thou ART my heaven..." would be correct. But just "You are my heaven" would sound much more natural. When you only use certain old words it just sounds like you wanted to sound old-fashioned, but didn't have the knowledge to pull it off. Take another look at what Tin Lizzie posted. That's the consistent way to use these words.
"Thou is.." also sounds so wrong to me. If you HAD to mix modern and old shouldn't it at least be: "Thou ARE..."? Otherwise you're saying: "You is my heaven...".
Your poem would be very sweet and romantic if you just rewrote it in modern English, I think. If you want to leave it as it is, you could always rename it "The Chaotic Slaughter of Pronouns"
