[morbidrose]

i'm gonna go insane if i dont get to see my girl soon...it's like everytime we try to get together something comes up and one of us has to back out...it's been like this for over a month and it's hard...it's gettin hard to hear her voice and to talk to her online and everytime i do i start getting depressed, i used to be a cutter and i know i'm not going back to that, but i'm starting to feel like i did when i did cut.....i've been sittin here playing with my knives and stuff i'm getting careless with them, and i know it...though i know i'm not gonna cut, i refuse to break my promise to ash, it's just i dont know what to do with myself when i'm like this cutting isn't an option anymore, so mostly i'll wind up crying in my room or just spacing outside... it's like theres nothing i can do to stop this pain...i mean this isn't the first time we've had gaps in seeing each other, but the longer we're together the harder it is to not see her. we only live about 30 from each other, but with me having to look for a job and a place to live and a car and all that jazz on top of the stuff going on in her life, not much of it good, and her dad not liking me becuase i'm going out with his daughter. i honestly love her more than anything. she's the first person to make me feel since my mom died.
my friends are starting to piss me, especially my roommate... because me ash my roommate and a couple of other friends were going to hang out tomorrow, well ash's gramps has been in the hospital he just had sergery to get a pace maker like yesterday and he's going home tomorrow, adn we've tlaked about stuff ilke this (ash and i) we're both close to our friends adn family so we promised each other if something came up family is first, that's just how it should be and i know se needs to be with her family right now, well i told my roommate that tomorrow wasn't gonna happen adn why adn she goes "well it's like she's got every excuse to not see you" and i was like "you have no idea what's going on in her life right now you have no right to say that" then my friend i know her so well i know what she was thinking she had that look that said seh was thinkin "i think she's playing you and you dont see it" but see that just like pissed me off cause i know ash wouldn't do that, in her past yeah she would have, but not now...i've talk to her friends adn all they say is "what'd you do to her? youre the first girl to keep her in line and that she hasn't cheated on" adn ash's told me that she'd never hurt me becuase if she did she'd die because se couldn't live with herself knowing she'd hurt me (my friends tell her the same thing so we've cleaned each other up) figeratively and physically...me with my cutting and her with drugs...we're so open about everything and all my friends just keep trying to put me down which makes me feel worse about not seeing ash. especially after the last time we saw each other......we wound up in tha bathroom crying...me because her dad hates me so much he changed his mind in the middle of the night about lettin her spend the night and decided to come pick her up and ash because she knows me so well se figured i was gonna cut and she didnt want me too......
i feel like i'm splititng in two...like something is ripping a whole in my soul...........

yeah i think i'm done venting now......