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You awake one night with an awful cramp in your gut and although you first wonder whether or not the chili you ate earlier is the culprit, you soon realize that no matter what it is, you're going to puke. Your stomach clamps and you launch from beneath the bedcovers, inadvertently waking your wife long enough for her to say, "What's the matter?" before she settles back down and returns to sleep. Once inside the bathroom, you lean over the toilet as the worst of the cramps tears through your mid-section. Stomach acid, snot and bile explode from your mouth and nose, forcing your nervous system to shake, your muscles to clench painfully and your throat to burn. Something's coming up, something large and solid. Another clenching, another. You can feel an object traveling slowly up your intestinal tract. One leg jerks from the floor as you retch once again and then you can feel it - something enters your throat. It scrapes its way upward, gag, upward, gag and your airway becomes blocked. You lean your head back, trying to open your passage and CRACK! the object snaps a bone in your neck. You crumple to the floor, shaking, unable to breathe. Your body clenches, your bladder and bowel let go and the object moves; your throat relaxes and the object slides up a little further. Your eyes water and you can feel the frenzied desire of your system craving air. Something touches the back of your teeth - the object, or at least some of it has made it into your mouth. You can still feel more of it in your throat, something long and hard (shut up). A final, weak exhalation and your eyes roll downward to fix on the head of the object (shut up again). It's a hammer, what the fuck, what the FUCK? coated with mucous, blood and a few masticated, partially digested beans from your chili earlier that night. Your brow creases. Written on the head of the hammer in black, permanent marker is the word "Maxwell".
i wish my wife was bi and that a different woman joined us in bed every night.
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