[BLEED REBELION!!!]

Joker in the pack: “ EITHER KEEP YOUR LIPS OFF HIS DICK OR DON'T FUCKING COMPLAIN.”
I actually found this last sentence to be pretty effing funny (for some reason) I lol’d at it.

ChelseaGirl: Thank you very very much for responding. I’m very sorry for your experience. It sucks, I know. It seems like this is sooooo common I know so many girls who have similar experiences and it can just make me hate the world sometimes. Do you feel “healed” or “over it”? If you don’t want to talk about it here you can PM me, if you don’t want to talk at all its still okay.
My boy friend is 19 almost 20.

You said :
“It made me feel like he was trying to take advantage and violate me - I was associating it with the past issue of being sexually violated....it brings out that terror/desperation/confusion/anger that you felt when you were being abused, and you end up connecting the two actions subconsciously “
I agree with this a lot. I kinda thought something like this vaguely before, but when you posted it, I thought you hit the nail on the head. I would never tell him I was associating him with the past because I think that might be insulting. He is no where near a bad person. He would never do shit like that. But he did definitely trigger some of those old feelings. I felt the same type of fear but to a lesser extent. I felt like he cared more about his physical needs than me, which is how I feel about the bastard who molested me. I know its and unfair association. I just feel like anyone with sexual desire for me wants to **** me. And I intellectually understand that its not true, but I cant help but feel that way. I love him so much but when he is touching me or trying to move a little farther (sexually speaking) I just feel trapped. I want to scream, it makes me feel like I’m drowning. It just makes me feel horrible. I kinda feel like I should just have sex with him. My train of thought will go something like “ well, I’m not really a virgin anyways, what does it matter, I’m not saving anything” . I realize how stupid that sounds but sometimes I think it. I have learned to ignore some of my stupider “weak little girl” thoughts like that one. When I’m uber depressed I start to think that way, and I realize its me being self destructive. I’ve read that I need to “realize and assert my self worth“. And I think saying no is asserting it in some ways.
I just don’t understand how I am supposed to get past the physical reaction of fear I have? How can I help it? I cant control how much fear I feel when someone is trying to be intimate with me.

Example of what happens : I feel slightly uncomfortable, embarrassed.
And then I start feeling like I should run away. I want to say something but I cant. I get really nervous and feel like I’m going to throw up. My heart pounds really fast and I think I might pass out. My chest aches like someone’s sitting on it I cant breathe. By now her realizes there’s something wrong and he tries to talk to me. I feel a strong amount of hate towards him, but I realize its not really towards him but the situation. I still cant calm down even once he’s stopped. I go sit in the bathroom alone. I still feel really physically sick. I’m angry and scared. I squeeze my eyes shut and dig my nails into my knees. I talk to myself say things like “ I am in control, everything will be okay” in a mantra like fashion (which helps).
And that’s how I react to almost nothing at all. He’s got me to take my top off a few times cuz he likes touching/looking at me, which I don’t think is a big enough deal for me to have such a reaction but I do. I can only imagine how much worse I’d feel If I actually let him fuck me…. Ughhhh that would be horrible…

…. Its sooo much easier to date girls… I don’t have any of these issues with them… but w/e.

I’ll sort it out..