[Joker_in_the_Pack]

-Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.
-Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
-If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
-The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
-Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
-If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
-You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
-If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
-The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
-Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
-I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
-I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
-Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
-So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
-Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
-In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem
-Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
-“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
-The future will soon be a thing of the past.
-The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
-The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
-And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
-If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
-Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
-Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
-“No comment” is a comment.
-The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
-I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights
-I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.