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<Café De Marquis PART 2>
At this café I am filled with my surroundings. If I sit in the right place long enough I smell like roasted beans on the elevator home. Here I can wonder why there isn’t a coffee bean cologne and not feel childish.
“I’m telling you I loved Laura man! It just felt like…it just felt like deep down she didn’t love me ya dig? I know she was really busy and yeah she said she did…”
Two guys in front of me yesterday. One asian guy with the back of his bowling shirt to me. He was wearing wearing cargo pants and bowling shoes. A black guy sitting across from him looked young in his t-shirt with cartoon skulls on it. He was the one talking, looking at his friend squarely while gripping a multicolored mug still on the table. The man of Philippine descent is tapping his funny shoed foot with his arms crossed under the table. The black guy gestures passively with his free hand.
“Sometimes it didn’t feel real. Sometimes it felt like the love of a past life…so many times! Curled up next to her in bed…ah. When we held hands in the dark…oh. Our personalities were in step it was eerie. Most of the time though…more often than not it felt like she was playing a role…concerned girlfriend ya know? Like her heart wasn’t in it half the time….Like I was just filling a spot. But damn it she was just busy!! Nothing excuses what I did.”
“Fuck no it doesn’t! I’ve figured you all out! You see a problem in your relationship that seems deeply rooted. You ignore or explain away this problem until it becomes too big to ignore. Then once that happens you take it as a sign the love affair was doomed!” The bowling shirted man gestured angrily with both hands and I wished I could have seen his face. The black guy frowned and listened with crossed arms.
“Now with the self indulgent knowledge that things weren’t going to work out in the end anyway you promptly shoot your relationship in the head! You kill it by cheating. Then you use the mop of fate to clean it all up. Of course you can say it was bound it end while you are ending it! Of course you can say “I couldn’t see a future with so-and-so” after you stop caring about how you make them feel. You make me sick! Laura was great! You are a loser!”
The bowling shirted one must have smiled because the skull shirted one whimpered some sad ‘yeah you are right about this one’ chuckle of agreement. Then he dropped all pretenses; staring at a plank in the floor with a faraway face while his friend leaned back in his chair.
“But there is hope-”
I’d finished my tea by then and had enough scribbles in my notebook to tell myself that I had worked without any inward objections. I got up to leave. I tucked my chair in behind me and gathered up crumbled napkins. I didn’t want to think about whom I’ve made cry and signs of doomed love affairs. I was clutching my treasure chest with both arms.
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I remember the day I met him. It was a cold spring day; the wind had more bark than bite and the clouds just wanted to pout in the grey sky. When I woke up that day I could hear the wind through the windows as I stared at the ceiling. I was going to Café de Marquis of course, I had a few minutes to kill and a few bucks to toss away on some overpriced chai tea. I always felt better after tea and after breaking up. I was going to do both that day.
“Such a good day isn’t it?” The bum was looking directly at me as I passed by him on the narrow walkway so I couldn’t ignore him. I held my gaze on him, his navy slacks and yellow collared shirt that used to be white. The tan trenchcoat he was wearing wasn’t just damp from the rain it was dirty. His duds looked like they used to be new and nice. Of course everything used to be new and nice once. His thick handlebar moustache covered his top lip but his bottom was full and moist. His gaze was curious and I’m not one to judge a guy too harshly. Especially a guy I’m only going to interact with for a moment. I decided to humor him for a few minutes.
“Yes. The wind isn’t bad at all.” Change from my pocket clinked into his bucket.
“How are you doing? You look like you’re about to make some…changes in your life.” He had this shit eating grin on his face that made me uneasy. After thinking about it a moment longer I generalized that the guy was sauced. His hair was short and not too messed up under his baseball cap. The black cap he was wearing bore the symbol of the San Jose Sharks. Under that grey sky I was beginning to feel really out of place. I played it safe. I faked it.
“I’m fine, and yes I am. The world is always changing and you have to change with the times just to make it.” I’m so good at small talk. What I said is so shallow it is not meaningful. It isn’t like the average person listens much during small talk anyway. Small talk is a game to impress, wow, confuse and dazzle. I enjoy my turns at it.
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