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MrMaelstrom · 05-15-2005, 08:05 AM

This is what I've done in the past few days. I was answering Teapot in the poetry thread when I noticed I might as well put this here too:

A while back "she" hurt me, again.
She hurt me and I swore vengeance.
I sent her Tstone and EPS' poems in a letter I wrote (let her try and say anything about the quality of my friends after that.)
I also told her that her going back to her ex was going to be a mistake she'd regret. I told her those attempts of ressuscitating something dead were futile, as the spasms were post mortem, and that she'd better bury it, 'cause to me, it already began to smell.
I also told her I was going to make sure the memory of me would haunt her as much as she haunted me. This of course, meant war...
I'm in love with her and she knows it. She's in love with me and won't admit it to herself? I'm not having that...

Anyways, she broke up with him (hopefully for good) about a day or so after she read the letter with my words, Tstone's and EPS', and told me she wanted to be alone. I told her I wanted the same.

I finally saw her again 2 nights ago in Lisbon. We sat in a bar with my kid sister and a very good friend we both have in common (me and she, not my sis).
We talked about everything except what was on in our minds, like polite, if somewhat distant friends might do. We basically waltzed around each subject, reading between the lines, understanding from what wasn't said as well as what was.
The guy went home and my sister went to see Laurent Garnier (along with Carl Cox, the best DJ's in the world[bitch]).
Anyway, SHE had to work in the morning and it was getting late, so I walked her to her car and was saying goodbye when she leaned back against her car and asked if I didn't have time for a cigarette.
I said sure.
I gave her one of mine, lit one for myself and thought the silence was gona be deafening soon, but I'd be damned if I'd blab like an idiot to fill up the void.
She asked me when I was heading North again. Tomorrow - I said - I've done all I came here to do (pay a traffic violation fine). Anyway, you and I need time to find ourselves, regroup, decompress or whatever term they're using these days. You are as yet unfit to be loved, and I have to concentrate on other priorities in my life, like paying my own bills, turning my flat into a home and actually try to set some money aside to spend on myself, like taking a proper vacation, 'cause right now, I don't need a vacation from myself anymore. I'm sick of running away and that's not what I'm doing. I like you a lot(in pt, when we say love, it ain't like "I love chocolate", but more like "I want our souls to be as one", so I didn't want to push it. I like you a lot is very strong in my language and is only said to intimate friendsm which we are not [frinds]). I adore you. I want you to be happy. If it means you stay alone or with someone else, so be it.
But I'm not gonna call you up every couple of days whithout anything susbstantial to say or add about my life other than the constant thought of you. And when I do tell you, you laugh it off and call me melodramatic, although it's you who calls meat 5am on a week night to hear my voice, te hear me say it's going to be alright.
It hurts me when you dismiss me like that, even though you do it to protect your feelings, it makes me feel like I'm some kind of psycho harboring an obssession for 5 years, instead of the truth we both know to be, but that we don't dare whisper to ourselves because it is not yet time. I won't call you to tell you I'm coming to Lisbon to visit some friends, when I know I'll be at Disorder or Tocsin (http://clubdisorder.no.sapo.pt/ + http://www.tocsinclub.com/) looking for you like I always do. It's not fair to you and it's not fair for me either. I feel like calling you often to know how you're doing, but if I can't abide by a simple request like letting you catch your breath, what kind of respect or trust will you ever have for me? Look, just unlock your car, give me a hug and drive away. My legs are shaking as it is and I've got a long walk back to my car.

We held eachother for a while, then I kissed her goodbye (in pt, friends of the opposite sex kiss eachother on both cheeks when meeting and parting) on her brow. I ran my fingers by the back of her neck and through her hair and kissed her cheeks. I kissed the corner of her mouth.~
I couldn't help myself and I stole a kiss.
She held me tighter, kissed me back and stole my heart again. (she keeps doing that, the little thief).

I watched her drive away, turned around and took about half an hour to walk a couple of blocks back to my car, even though I was walking on air.

My mobile rang while I drove home.

I never answer the phone when I'm driving, but I knew it was her and I knew it wasn't to tell me she got home alright:

-There's something I have to tell you...

-Is there?...

-I got home alright...

-Is that all?

-No... ... ... ...look... ...What are you afraid I might say?

-I'm afraid you might say I shouldn't have stolen a kiss from you again. I'm afraid you might say you're going back to him. I'm afraid you might say you're already with him again. I'm afraid you might say you never want to see me again. I'm afraid you might say you think we best remain friends (which we never were or will be anytime soon). I'm afraid you hurt me again when I just stopped bleeding.

-I couldn't say that. It wouldn't be true. You know I don't lie... ...and that's not the way I feel at all. We both know that. There's still something left unsolved between us (for some reason, "This Town Ain't Big Enough for Both of Us" by Siouxsie came to mind)... ...Still,, I don't know what you think that kiss meant, but I don't want you to assume we're together because of it either.

-I know. You think I want to hurt like last time again? But I'm not sorry. I don't regret it and won't apologize for it. I know you're vulnerable, but so am I, and we're both to blame.

-It's still to soon for me.

-I know. I'm not ready either, but it's you I want and I know it and so do you... (I couldn't believe I had just said that)

-Can you wait?

-...Huh? ...?! ...I've been waiting for years!... I can wait... I can wait for as long as it takes, remember? (DM: "Gonna take my time, I have all the time in the world, to make you mine, it is written in the stars above...")
I'll call you soon. Soon...

-Soon... (private gbye and it makes sense in pt)

That was 2 nights ago.

I visited a very old friend from way back in Australia the next day. He just got back from a teaching contract in Luanda, Angola and I spent all day with him and his family.
Went home tired from playing with his kid all day and went straight to bed.
She calls me. It's 2am (we're both insomniacs, but I'm tired). We talk some more.
She's always in a defensive stance. I can't begin to imagine the pain that birthed so much timidity camouflaged by pride. I try to talk to her in the way one tries to soothe a wounded animal. I notice she's doing the same and that I'm as wounded as she.
We hang up and I feel great, but sleep won't come now for quite a while longer... ...and the bed sheets now resemble something PT Barnum would come up with...

Woke up today and packed my things to drive to my hometown (where I grew up, 'cause I was born in Africa), I decided I'd give her flowers before I went. I didn't find any I liked, so I went to the grocer's and bought her cherries instead.
I dropped them on her window sill (she's not a morning person either. She looks like Nefertite but acts like sleeping beauty).
My mobile rings as I'm driving away:
-(amused tone)What are you doing coming to my house this early in the day?

-You called me last night when I was asleep, remember? You give me insomnia, I wake you up at dawn (it was 11am). That's how it works. (we laugh) Go back to bed and bon appetit... bye, see you soon... soon...

-Soon... (we've been saying it for about 5 years, so "soon" is about due

Maybe I'll call to ask how she liked them cherries...

Wot? :shock:

05-15-2005, 08:05 AM	#555
MrMaelstrom Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Lisboa, Portugal Posts: 1,608	This is what I've done in the past few days. I was answering Teapot in the poetry thread when I noticed I might as well put this here too: A while back "she" hurt me, again. She hurt me and I swore vengeance. I sent her Tstone and EPS' poems in a letter I wrote (let her try and say anything about the quality of my friends after that.) I also told her that her going back to her ex was going to be a mistake she'd regret. I told her those attempts of ressuscitating something dead were futile, as the spasms were post mortem, and that she'd better bury it, 'cause to me, it already began to smell. I also told her I was going to make sure the memory of me would haunt her as much as she haunted me. This of course, meant war... I'm in love with her and she knows it. She's in love with me and won't admit it to herself? I'm not having that... Anyways, she broke up with him (hopefully for good) about a day or so after she read the letter with my words, Tstone's and EPS', and told me she wanted to be alone. I told her I wanted the same. I finally saw her again 2 nights ago in Lisbon. We sat in a bar with my kid sister and a very good friend we both have in common (me and she, not my sis). We talked about everything except what was on in our minds, like polite, if somewhat distant friends might do. We basically waltzed around each subject, reading between the lines, understanding from what wasn't said as well as what was. The guy went home and my sister went to see Laurent Garnier (along with Carl Cox, the best DJ's in the world[bitch]). Anyway, SHE had to work in the morning and it was getting late, so I walked her to her car and was saying goodbye when she leaned back against her car and asked if I didn't have time for a cigarette. I said sure. I gave her one of mine, lit one for myself and thought the silence was gona be deafening soon, but I'd be damned if I'd blab like an idiot to fill up the void. She asked me when I was heading North again. Tomorrow - I said - I've done all I came here to do (pay a traffic violation fine). Anyway, you and I need time to find ourselves, regroup, decompress or whatever term they're using these days. You are as yet unfit to be loved, and I have to concentrate on other priorities in my life, like paying my own bills, turning my flat into a home and actually try to set some money aside to spend on myself, like taking a proper vacation, 'cause right now, I don't need a vacation from myself anymore. I'm sick of running away and that's not what I'm doing. I like you a lot(in pt, when we say love, it ain't like "I love chocolate", but more like "I want our souls to be as one", so I didn't want to push it. I like you a lot is very strong in my language and is only said to intimate friendsm which we are not [frinds]). I adore you. I want you to be happy. If it means you stay alone or with someone else, so be it. But I'm not gonna call you up every couple of days whithout anything susbstantial to say or add about my life other than the constant thought of you. And when I do tell you, you laugh it off and call me melodramatic, although it's you who calls meat 5am on a week night to hear my voice, te hear me say it's going to be alright. It hurts me when you dismiss me like that, even though you do it to protect your feelings, it makes me feel like I'm some kind of psycho harboring an obssession for 5 years, instead of the truth we both know to be, but that we don't dare whisper to ourselves because it is not yet time. I won't call you to tell you I'm coming to Lisbon to visit some friends, when I know I'll be at Disorder or Tocsin (http://clubdisorder.no.sapo.pt/ + http://www.tocsinclub.com/) looking for you like I always do. It's not fair to you and it's not fair for me either. I feel like calling you often to know how you're doing, but if I can't abide by a simple request like letting you catch your breath, what kind of respect or trust will you ever have for me? Look, just unlock your car, give me a hug and drive away. My legs are shaking as it is and I've got a long walk back to my car. We held eachother for a while, then I kissed her goodbye (in pt, friends of the opposite sex kiss eachother on both cheeks when meeting and parting) on her brow. I ran my fingers by the back of her neck and through her hair and kissed her cheeks. I kissed the corner of her mouth.~ I couldn't help myself and I stole a kiss. She held me tighter, kissed me back and stole my heart again. (she keeps doing that, the little thief). I watched her drive away, turned around and took about half an hour to walk a couple of blocks back to my car, even though I was walking on air. My mobile rang while I drove home. I never answer the phone when I'm driving, but I knew it was her and I knew it wasn't to tell me she got home alright: -There's something I have to tell you... -Is there?... -I got home alright... -Is that all? -No... ... ... ...look... ...What are you afraid I might say? -I'm afraid you might say I shouldn't have stolen a kiss from you again. I'm afraid you might say you're going back to him. I'm afraid you might say you're already with him again. I'm afraid you might say you never want to see me again. I'm afraid you might say you think we best remain friends (which we never were or will be anytime soon). I'm afraid you hurt me again when I just stopped bleeding. -I couldn't say that. It wouldn't be true. You know I don't lie... ...and that's not the way I feel at all. We both know that. There's still something left unsolved between us (for some reason, "This Town Ain't Big Enough for Both of Us" by Siouxsie came to mind)... ...Still,, I don't know what you think that kiss meant, but I don't want you to assume we're together because of it either. -I know. You think I want to hurt like last time again? But I'm not sorry. I don't regret it and won't apologize for it. I know you're vulnerable, but so am I, and we're both to blame. -It's still to soon for me. -I know. I'm not ready either, but it's you I want and I know it and so do you... (I couldn't believe I had just said that) -Can you wait? -...Huh? ...?! ...I've been waiting for years!... I can wait... I can wait for as long as it takes, remember? (DM: "Gonna take my time, I have all the time in the world, to make you mine, it is written in the stars above...") I'll call you soon. Soon... -Soon... (private gbye and it makes sense in pt) That was 2 nights ago. I visited a very old friend from way back in Australia the next day. He just got back from a teaching contract in Luanda, Angola and I spent all day with him and his family. Went home tired from playing with his kid all day and went straight to bed. She calls me. It's 2am (we're both insomniacs, but I'm tired). We talk some more. She's always in a defensive stance. I can't begin to imagine the pain that birthed so much timidity camouflaged by pride. I try to talk to her in the way one tries to soothe a wounded animal. I notice she's doing the same and that I'm as wounded as she. We hang up and I feel great, but sleep won't come now for quite a while longer... ...and the bed sheets now resemble something PT Barnum would come up with... Woke up today and packed my things to drive to my hometown (where I grew up, 'cause I was born in Africa), I decided I'd give her flowers before I went. I didn't find any I liked, so I went to the grocer's and bought her cherries instead. I dropped them on her window sill (she's not a morning person either. She looks like Nefertite but acts like sleeping beauty). My mobile rings as I'm driving away: -(amused tone)What are you doing coming to my house this early in the day? -You called me last night when I was asleep, remember? You give me insomnia, I wake you up at dawn (it was 11am). That's how it works. (we laugh) Go back to bed and bon appetit... bye, see you soon... soon... -Soon... (we've been saying it for about 5 years, so "soon" is about due Maybe I'll call to ask how she liked them cherries... Wot? :shock: __________________ Undead again...