Two Poems

[Pooka]

(These are both random poems out of a book I keep. The first one is published)

Where was it said, when and where we would die? Or give the sympothy to even try?
To whisper the last and finel good-bye, to the stone from which underneath you lie,
To kiss the cold and marbel top and wish you well, do not leave a place in mind to dwell.
Make a promise to the moon, that I will see you soon,
wrapped once again in a cold embrace, under the grace of the whatchfull Angels face, eternal sleep next to you, I promise I will join you soon.



(Untitled)

My faceless reflection speaks volumes back to me,
my empty grave is calling to me,
My aching heart is promising me,
My shattered soul is breaking me,
Wondering where is the person I wanted to be.

Friends faces disapear just beneath the waters edge,
I take one last breath as I step closer to this ledge,
Down, down, like the monsters from the cradle fed,
every bleeding, cutting, word that was said.

My aching arms and throbbing soul,
my voice screaming for some control,
my hand reaching farther into the blackend soul,

Wishing for the guardian with ashen wings,
waiting for the lament someone will sing,
above a cheap and tattered stone,
a name all to well known,

No one knows,
The agony of silent screaming
The wait for numbing quiet,
The pathetic whisper, pleading,
the loss of want to fight it,

The want for a simple, end.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Miss Pooka, thank you for posting your poetry. I prefer the first poem because its message seems more unified. Some of your imagery and compositions in these two poems are quite good in my opinion. For example, one line that stands out to me is: "To whisper the last and final good-bye, to the stone from which underneath you lie". I like the way such lines imply your meaning. You avoid "spoon feeding" the reader when you write this way.

Also, in the phrase/clause "from which underneath you lie", you used a grammatical form that is less and less common today by placing the word "underneath" before the subject and verb (you lie). This kind of word-order flexibility can be very helpful when writing poetry.

I have two recommendations for you if you're interested:

Firstly, there are quite a few errors in these two poems that could be easily corrected. In the future, make sure that you proof-read your writing for spelling and punctuation errors before submitting it (especially in a place like this where people are ever on the prowl for stuff to make fun of).

Secondly, study about "rhythm" and how it pertains to poetry, and incorporate it as carefullly and accurately as possible into your own poetry. You already seem to have a better grasp on rhyme than many others. Rhythm is pretty simple once you come to understand how it works; ryhthm is basically the patterns of stressed and unstressed syllables of the words in a poem. Certain types of rhythm are very straightforward; it just takes a little study and care to write poems that have rhythm. I honestly believe that rhythm ~ as opposed to rhyming or any particular kind of æsthetic language ~ is the single most important aspect of poetry.

You have potential, Miss Pooka. Thanks again for sharing this, and keep writing.

[PortraitOfSanity]

I was all ready to tear these apart, but they're actually not that bad...

Like the first person said, you may wanna work on grammar a bit though.

[magnus13]

I like the first one. as for the second, it has potential, perhaps a rewrite or two would help you fix the meter a little ? also a more complex ryme scheme might help it a little ?