Panther Application

Despanan · 02-14-2009, 12:56 PM

An associate of mine on Myspace posted a blog about a stalker application. In effect, I found it interesting and am now doing this, in an effort to collect my thoughts and maybe figure out what it is I want in a homicidal jungle cat.

About me:

* I am very easy going. I'm supportive and laid back and not hard to get along with in the least, unless you sink your fangs into my jugular.

*I can't promise security or stability if you're on top of me. I've been doing martial arts for a while now, and will probably attempt to roll you off of my back when you pounce. I may even poke you in the eyes. I recently read about a technique for fighting dogs with your bare hands, and am wondering if I could alter it to help with hand-to-tiger combat. I'm already working on that, and I'm doing quite grand.

*I have a love for obscure music and probably really bad fashion. Most of my stuff is either bought at Goodwill, is clothes with paint all over them, band patches that I've made, slogans that I believe in, or even my own poetry. I don't know if my love for DIY will make me easier to track or harder frankly. Can feline preditors even see color?

*I'm not easily impressed. If you drop down out of a tree in front of me and growl meancingly, I WILL NOT care. If I wanted to see something frightening, I'd look in the mirror. I am a tornado of talent and pain. Now slaking me silently in a game of deadly cat and mouse? That just tells me that you're an equal, not exactly something to be chased after.

*I don't chase. I haven't chased all my life and I don't plan to now. In fact, I'm probably oblivious to your advances from the low grass.

*I love art. I love coffee. I love cooking. I love going for walks. Perhapse you could find one of these times to strike?

*I love gray weather. Autumn, Winter, and Spring are my favorite times of the year. If you hate hunting at these times, or are hibernating (do big cats hibernate?) I am not the prey for you.

*I love the woods. I'm not a master camper mind you, but I LOVE the outdoors and plan to spend more time out there. If you're a mountain lion, you're fucking golden... almost.

*I like to encourage and I like to give my entrails when I think you deserve them.

*I am not overly sexual. I love forplay and I love touch and taste and smell. But the act of sex with an animal is NOT important to me in the least. So if you just want to fuck, you're stalking the wrong human. Furries need-not-apply.

*I don't scream. Ever.

About you:

Physically: I like my panther to be put together nicely. You don't have to be a cheetah and in fact, that could play against you. But you have to be healthy and you have to be at least attempting to be as physically terrifying as you can possibly be. In other words, take care of your body.

Emotionally: I don't need you to need me. If you feel like you need me, you're going to fail. You should want me. You should WANT to eat my kidney because it tastes good.

Mentally: Don't be crazy. You need to be intelligent, and you need to have the sick cunning of hundreds of years of evolution. What's the worth of being devoured by a cat who's life won't be enriched by your sacrifice.

Spiritually: If indeed, Predatory Jungle Cats have Gods. I will not worship it, or even be aware of it. I am an atheist. People are faster than Gods, and cats are faster than people. Therefore, cats are like, twice as fast as god.

Even with this list, I can assume that you would imagine that I want a puma as a panther. That's right. I do. But even then, it's rare that I'll be impressed by you. In fact, you actually have a better chance of killing me by accident instead of it being planned out. I prefer it that way.

A deafening roar of vicious triumph. This is the main thing. If I find you horrifying or I find your fearful symmetry to be the things of nightmares, I'll let you know. Seriously.

Despanan · 02-14-2009, 01:05 PM

Here is what I am looking for.

Man In Room 5 · 02-14-2009, 01:10 PM

Wow Des, you need a hobby. Usually, when I'm this bored I just porn surf, masturbate and go to bed.

Despanan · 02-14-2009, 01:12 PM

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright, In the forests of the night, What immortal hand or eye Could frame thy fearful symmetry? In what distant deeps or skies Burnt the fire in thine eyes? On what wings dare he aspire? What the hand dare seize the fire? And what shoulder, and what art? Could twist the sinews of thy heart? And when thy heart began to beat, What dread hand, and what dread feet? What the hammer? What the chain? In what furnace was thy brain? What the anvil? What dread grasp Dare its deadly terrors clasp? When the stars threw down their spears, And watered heaven with their tears, Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the Lamb, make thee? Tyger! Tyger! burning bright, In the forests of the night, What immortal hand or eye Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

KontanKarite · 02-15-2009, 12:40 AM

What I want in my panther!

Bete Noire · 02-15-2009, 01:02 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okH2-qQ0huw

KontanKarite · 02-15-2009, 09:06 AM

Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cats

Duane · 02-15-2009, 10:35 AM

Calvin and Hobbes... so epic.

Despanan · 02-15-2009, 11:02 AM

JUGGERNOTCH!

korinna5555 · 08-04-2009, 05:22 PM

OH MAH GAWD, 700-LB-TIGER!

http://laelaps.files.wordpress.com/2007/02/rawr.jpg

Baahahahahaha. I need to spend MORE time on Gnet, Des.

Lord Whiskerton · 08-04-2009, 05:25 PM

Might you be interested in meeting a relative of mine?

Despanan · 08-18-2009, 10:31 AM

OH GOD THEY CAN SWIM!!!!

korinna5555 · 08-18-2009, 11:14 AM

OH JESUS! moar text

Saya · 08-18-2009, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Despanan

OH GOD THEY CAN SWIM!!!!

DUH. Didn't you watch Kratt's Creatures? This is also why one of the tiger's few natural enemies is the crocodile.

KontanKarite · 08-20-2009, 06:13 AM

Dude, crock vs. tiger. THAT would be an awesome fight! I want to paint that.

Despanan · 01-10-2010, 07:06 PM

*Casts Resurrect*

Cadaver · 01-10-2010, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Despanan

*Casts Resurrect*

Eeeeeee <3

Despanan · 01-12-2010, 08:42 AM

HOLY SHIT IT'S A JAGUAR! GET IN THE CAR!

KontanKarite · 01-14-2010, 09:45 AM

Behold!!! PUMA!

Saya · 01-14-2010, 07:33 PM

I just can't take pumas seriously since watching The Pumaman

Pumaman! He flies like a moron! He can get out of a car going three miles an hour!

Despanan · 01-19-2010, 09:12 AM

That is one majestic Pumaman.

Razeal18 · 01-19-2010, 09:44 AM

I think this entire thread is a major subconscious plea for slightly aged violent pussy. And in that i fully agree. Keep on the hunt des

PortraitOfSanity · 01-19-2010, 01:11 PM

Cougars play a necessary role in society.

They're experienced in the sack, and they usually have money so they can pay for my shit.

What's not to love?

Ben Lahnger · 01-19-2010, 05:05 PM

I wonder if Pumaman would prey on Zebraman?

Razeal18 · 01-22-2010, 02:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PortraitOfSanity

Cougars play a necessary role in society.

They're experienced in the sack, and they usually have money so they can pay for my shit.

What's not to love?

got the whole package right there, but then some guys sacrafice the money for not having to smell the anti menopausal cream.