Town and Turret: The Tale of Castle Gothica

[HumanePain]

Chapter 1

The night sky was full of darkened clouds heavy with winter moisture, but they held back the rain with miserly frugality letting only drizzle collect on the stone sides of the castle. The rivulets of water flowed through the cracks and joined in black tributaries until they flowed across the estate entrance as a moat, threating passage in or out of the grounds.

High above in the fourth story window of the Master's Turret, dark curtains dimly shed red light revealing silhouettes in slow pacing back and forth.

Closer inspection of the window allowed the unmistakable figure of a curvaceous woman to be seen, her hand lifting a cigarette to her mouth.

"There is no one else better to leave in charge than Duchmann! He has the support of the Clan and will better suit the new Mayor and Council! Do you not care for our future?"

The other figure that had been slowly pacing whirled around, and arm flailing, threw a goblet at the fireplace with a crash, flames leaping up to hungrily consume the 50 year old cognac.

"DAMN DUCHMANN! He is but a dangerous fool with no thought for our dearly earned legacy! I shan't hear his name again!"

Bloodshot but cataract clouded eyes drilled out from under wiry and black eyebrows, mouth in a grimace and veined knuckles clenched white.

..................

The woman, confident in her ultimate goal, flicked her cigarette into the fireplace, and left the Library, closing the heavy oak door quietly but with finality. The dottering old fool! For how long did Von Paine think he could control the events she already unleashed? Molly McKenzie may be a redheaded and voluptuous plaything for Gentlemen, but that helped her to hide her subtle strategies and tricks. She smiled as she stepped down the sweeping spiral staircase to the entrance.


Gazing from the rain spattered window, Von Paine watched the harlot be escorted to the motorcar and leave. He knew he would eventually lose persuasion and ultimately the battle for the future of the Clan. It was bittersweet to have the wisdom of a crystal ball, and yet see his demise. He hung on in the hope that his apprentice, the young Renatus, his most advanced pupil, would develop in time to wrest back control of the great order and resume the steady and dignified course. Here was a kindred soul, who saw the same vision as he, and more importantly was overlooked by the McKenzie woman, yet had power, power as yet unrevealed. More than a pawn in the unfolding struggle for power and direction, he was a dear friend and confidant.

Then came a knock at the door, and a rude entrance without a wait for approval or acknowledgment.

"Von Paine you old ponce, we will simply run out of glassware before we run out of liquor if you keep smashing things! I say, are you drunk? Tsk tsk tsk, a most undignified thing to do, and being drunk limits one's powers of observation, hey? Or were you insulted that Molly rejected an advance of yours, hmmm?" Duchmann smiled, revealing yellow teeth on red, red gums.

"Duchmann, you didn't wait for permission to enter. Typical interruption."

"Nor do I need to old fellow. When the devil are you ever go to just plain up and die?"

"As long as the Clan is in danger I have an obligation to try my best to see it placed in safety. Once secured, I will be happy to relinquish power."

"Ah, as all despots say. You're fooling no one you know. Well, I see I came too late to have a snifter of the old cognac. You old ponce you, thinking only of yourself and no one else. Well, I shall go bugger Honey for a glass or two. Good night you old bean."

Duchmann left, leaving the door open. Von Paine collapsed into the wing chair, and knew that one way or another, the seeds of Duchmann's defeat would be sown by the fool himself, leaving Von Paine to only water it. He allowed himself a grin.

.......................

The Council had just adjourned. Men in hats and trench coats grumbled goodbyes at the Mayor's estate entrance and separated into their respective cars. Headlamp beams magnified the raindrops as they swerved towards the road to town. Inside one car were two men, rainwater steaming from their faces as they looked at each other.

"As you saw, the Mayor is well protected, as was Von Paine. Your attack must be secret, a frontal assault will be of no use."

The other man's thick German accent immediately took command of the conversation:

"I vill make use of skill for dis kill. It vill be my masterpiece." He lit a cigarette.

"There must be no mistakes. If you miss, Von Paine and the Clan will be merciless. There are no second chances for this coup!"

The German simply looked at the other then looked forward, drawing on his smoke. He smiled in confidence. The car splashed through puddles all the way to town.

__________________

[HumanePain]

Molly was welcomed immediately at the club entrance.

"My dear Miss McKenzie, you seem in need of a drink!" The barkeep took her umbrella and overcoat.

"Thank you Duane. And make it cognac please. I have developed a taste for it recently."

"Very good Miss! Coming right up!"

Every man in the club watched the redhead as she strolled and swayed to her usual booth above the main floor. From here she could survey as well as be surveyed. She could then fetch any man she fancied with but a smile. Duane brought up her snifter, and left the bottle.

"What, or more likely whom as put you through paces today Miss?"

"Oh Duane, always the eager ear and cathartic catalyst! If I didn't trust you I would think you pumping me for information!" She smiled knowing full well the impact of her use of "pumping me" would have on the stout and single young man. She was rewarded with a flustered, softly spoken "Pardon m'lady. You just enjoy your drink and never mind me. Let me know if you need anything."

"Thank you Duane, you really are a dear" and she placed her gloved hand on his cheek. He hurried away before she could see his blush.

An hour later he returned with a lighter, having noticed she had produced a cigarette.

"Allow me Miss" He lit it quickly and expertly.

"Ah Duane, if only more men were like you, especially the ones who have ...certain things that I ...need."

Duane blushed, and she realized what she had spoken while in her tipsy.

"Oh no, nothing so carnal my dear boy, when I say things I do mean things. Things that give one power! Things..." Then she realized she may have been saying too much, then thought that the barkeep would have no idea who she was talking about or what.

"Duane?"

"Yes Miss"

"What makes some men more...resistant...to women? Why is it you can see the reason of my ways, yet some men cannot...will not? Why are some men so ...pig headed?" She now bent down when she sipped her cognac rather than lifted the glass.

Sensing her intoxication, the barkeep spoke:

"Perhaps if I knew an example of whom you speak, I may know the gentleman and can tell you what I know, that is if he is a patron of mine?"

Trying not to spook the prey, but knowing that the bait could backfire he almost winced when she answered, but hid his thoughts.

"Von Paine! That old bastard! Have you ever heard of him?"

"Can't say I do. He must be a non drinking man since he has never been in my bar, and I have the most exclusive there is. Wait: isn't Von Paine some top mucky muck at ...the castle?"

"Yes, and the older he gets the muckier he gets!" She struck Duane's shoulder. "Simply detestable!" she leaned forward and gulped cognac.

"And he won't share it!" She looked up and looked at Duane with glazed eyes.

"Well that doesn't seem right now does it? That a proper gentleman will not share something with a lady! Share what?"

Molly opened her mouth to speak, but at the moment her driver peered inside the club door, and seeing the barkeep close to her came over immediately to her booth.

"It is time to go Miss."

Molly's mouth snapped shut like a fish, and she looked at Duane.

"Send me the bill please Duane? There's a good man. Good man and good night." and she proceeded to trip on her way out of the booth and was caught by her driver.

"Mr. Child, I am soooo lucky to have you for a driver."

"Yes Miss." The driver looked over at the barkeep with a scowl and then hauled his boss to the car. Duane smiled.

[Crying_Crimson_Tears]

I like it Humane. It seems as though you are using names from our dearest site here for your story. I like it.

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by Crying_Crimson_Tears

I like it Humane. It seems as though you are using names from our dearest site here for your story. I like it.

Would you like to be in it?

[Xombie]

I think this is...dare I say it, cute. =X

Anyway, I like how the names of people here are used. I don't think there's enough there for me to determine whether or not you incorporated each one's personality, although "Duchmann" seems pretty accurate. :]

[gothicusmaximus]

My respect for you has skyrocketed.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

I have always wished to be a character in a fiction of some sort, and if you'll allow it, I would ask to be a part of this little piece you're working on.

That was rather bold for me, I think my confidence has increased in the past few months

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by Sir Canvas Corpsey

I have always wished to be a character in a fiction of some sort, and if you'll allow it, I would ask to be a part of this little piece you're working on.

That was rather bold for me, I think my confidence has increased in the past few months

I will be happy to incorporate you into the Gotic.net "alter ego"!

But...I must confess I do not know you well enough to describe your part in the story. Tell me what part you would like to play: good or evil? Behind the scenes or out in bold confronting the main characters? Gay or straight? Male or female? The ones I have already described are people I already know and so have been able to exaggerate their characters. :S

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

I am a Male of course, though I flip my long brown locks quite femininely at this point, as as my clean shaved face curls into a smile, I pronounce that I do indeed, love the cock.

Honestly I'm a pretty damn neutral person, I see both sides and promote and attack both sides, apparently I'm manipulative like that, but I'm also a complete and utter Power of Love freak and people often tell me I make no sense, I converse with myself out loud.

No idea, whether that helped at all, but, that's the best I can do and tht was more of a description of the real me than my "Alter-Ego",

Hee-ho

Apologies for attempting be dramatic in the first section

[HumanePain]

Chapter 3

The rains and drizzle had suspended for now, leaving a muddy path for the German as he briskly walked to his personal firing range. It doubled as his pheasant and wild boar hunting grounds, but today he must practice, for the ultimate prey would be two legged and well armed too. He calculated he would have 3 to 4 seconds to dispatch Von Paine and the Mayor, after which he would have to take the bodyguard's retaliation as it came in whatever time would follow. He had already studied their movements and researched their training and knew their likely response, and was preparing for it.

As he approached the covered table set at one end of a green, lush gully, he noticed that one of the two chairs there was already occupied, a woman. Her red hair and chauffeur/bodyguard standing next to her left no doubt even at this distance who she was. He approached without smiling.

"Why don't you have the walkway paved Emil? The mud is most uncivilized and my driver spent 15 minutes cleaning my shoes so I could greet you properly!"

The German noticed that the hint of a smile escaped from her escort. He looked at her as she crossed her legs, red strapped shoes drawing one's attention to her exposed toes. A foot fetish no doubt kept a powerful man such as the driver submissive to the shrew.

"Killing my dear frau is in itself most uncivilized. Why are you here? This visit is unnecessary and could potentially give us away."

"I came to warn you Emil, and that helps, not hinders our plans. Von Paine has taken to secluding himself in the castle and has canceled his appearance at the next town meeting, citing health reasons and announcing instead that another, someone named Renatus will be taking his place to deliver his congratulatory speech to the new Mayor. Health reasons! Bah!" She rolled her eyes. "He takes steroid shots and before his seclusion could be seen any day not walking but running the dogs."

Emil considered this news.

"Then I shall shall have to pay Herr Paine a visit at his home." He smiled. This would be easier: no public witnesses.

Molly stood up. "Very well. But let me know in advance when, dear freund, as I do not wish to be anywhere near flying bullets that day!"

She began the impossible walk through the mud towards the car, her driver following.

She almost made it without soiling her dress until the first cracks of gunfire in the target range startled her and she fell. Cursing, she got up with Mr. Child's help and got into the car. She could be heard cursing above the rapid staccato of gunfire all the way to the gates of the estate.

[HumanePain]

Chapter 4

The new Mayor decided to visit the club tonight, as the cabaret band playing this evening had entertained her before she had been elected, and actually helped raise funds for her campaign. They were a little...odd, but them most musicians were. She was welcomed by her good friend, the barkeep.

"Mayor L'Oiseau! So nice to see you!" And he meant it. Her long black tresses and feminine waist were easy on the eyes, and regarding eyes, her long eyelashes and seductive looks could not be hidden by a pair of spectacles.

"Duane, if I knew you were flattering me for the tip, I would understand, but yours seems sincere, and thus scares me." But she smiled as she said it, and he smiled in return.

"Let me fetch you some wine tonight eh? A victory celebration?"

"No, not tonight Duane. Make it chamomile tea please, I will retire immediately after the bands first song, and am here to show my thanks more than my drunkenness."

"As you wish...your honor." He looked for the first opportunity to use the honorific.

"Serville flatterer!"

The musicians were already on stage and one of them, a thin spindly young man with long black locks and thick lips, put down his guitar and jumped off the stage, walking towards the Mayor.

"Noir! Great to see you! Can you stay and listen to us play?"

"For a wee bit perhaps Haun. Play me that one about the evil widower, you know the one I mean?" She smiled in her best puppy dog look.

Mr. Haun House, musician extrordinare smiled back.
"Sure Noir, whatever you want!"

He turned around and gestured at the harmonica player, a tall man in a pinstripe suit, incongruent with the more casually dressed members of the band. As he walked back to the stage, two more band members came up to the Mayor and hugged her.

"Kerri and Sarah, I never did get a chance to thank you for the warchest! Your contributions put me over the top!"

"Leave my chest out of this!" smiled Sarah, and the Mayor and Kerri burst out laughing.

Harmonica player walked over to Duane:
"Free drinks for the band tonight Duane old pal?"

"Well, there was a few dollars left in the campaign fund after the election, I suppose we could call it a wash with one round."

"Two!"

Duane looked grim, but then the Mayor turned around, having overheard.

"Duane, make it two, just for tonight. For me please?"

"Well ok sure your honor." And the more natural smile returned to his face as he turned around and made his way to the bar.

Later, as the band was playing loud enough to cover conversations, Duane made his way to the Mayor's table, drink platter in hand as if to take an order.

"Molly was here last night. She got drunk."

"What did she say?"

"You were right. She is not happy with Von Paine and wants something he has, but she left before I could get her to tell me what it was."

The mayor sipped her tea and watched Haun go into a guitar solo, long black hair hanging over his eyes, the house lights switching to a solitary blue light shining on him.

"I know her feelings about Von Paine, and I think I know what she wants, but I need you to find out when she may try to do something about it. That's more important. Duane, I need your help! You must find out when she or anyone in cahoots with her will ...try something!" Her eyes pleaded with Duane, not in a feminine wiles fashion but in sincerity, and this seduced Duane even more. He could not let her down.

"I will do whatever it takes Noir." He used her name in the same intimate intensity as her gaze at him. He patted her hand, and she turned it to grasp his in turn. They smiled at each other with the look of concern that dear friends share. Deep inside, hidden so deep that he dared not reveal it to even himself, Duane dreamed for an instant as they briefly held hands. She then removed her hand and turned to applaud the band as Haun finished his solo, and Duane's momentary dream ended.

[HumanePain]

Chapter 5

Von Paine walked up the stairs from the entrance where he had greeted Renatus, the two of them side by side, Von Paine holding the younger man's elbow sleeve.

"You are yet part of the background, but that will change after tomorrow's meeting. Then everyone will know you, and may not see you as an official heir, but the de facto heir anyway I suppose."

"But Sir, I do not have any support, and have not had time to cultivate stong relationships with the alpha members of the Clan. How will I sustain the momentum of leadership?"

"I have just the task to help you with that my boy, a task that will bring you respect and bring about a natural following. There is a pecking order to leadership you see, and you will be elevated above me in accomplishing this task, ipso-facto promoting you. We will then follow it up with another demonstration of your ability and courage to solidify the Clan with you as the new leader. Courage will be very important in this event."

Von Paine patted Renatus on the back, and then reaching the top of the stairs, gestured with his dark velvet robed arm towards the Library.

"But what could I possibly do to surpass your salvaging the Clan?"

"You will salvage it...again!" The old man smiled with gleaming but blurry eyes at the young man, who feeling secured, still felt confused and unsure.

Von Paine could read the young man's body language.
"Ah, no fear now my lad, confidence!" Von Paine straightened his posture and Renatus imitated it, but stood taller than Paine.

"That's more like my boy! Then, once you perform the rescue, events may roll unheeded and you will find your self riding the wave of social power to it's crest. Then I may rest." Von Paine's voice dropped to a whisper " and to sleep. Perhaps to dream..."

[Stormtrooper of Death]

Bloody excellent sir. Thank you for my inclusion as the German. Danke.

[HumanePain]

Chapter 6

"Father, why do you let her speak so disrespectfully to you? And why the hell do you tolerate Duchmann? Why, I will throw him out myself!" Crimson Von Paine demonstrated her latest martial arts kick on a hapless floor lamp, sending it down and spinning across the floor with such force the light bulb exploded and the lamp shade spun high into the air, landing on her father's head!

"Oh! Sorry father!"

The old man laughed.
"Crimson my dear child you are the only one whose next actions I cannot predict! Thank you my dear for providing me some mystery in this life!" He removed the lampshade, and strolling across the Library to the large gold framed wall mirror, set it again on his head, modeling it and turning his head from side to side.

"You make me feel so young again! Bless you my dear!"

"And I am younger than that flabby, mind rotting Duchmann! Please father, let me arrange an...an accident for him!"

"CRIMSON!" Hi smile was gone now as he slammed a fist against the wall.
"Why? So you could be no better than McKenzie or Duchmann? With great power comes great responsibility! "

His daughter looked down. "Sorry father. It's just that they make me so angry with their ways."

Von Paine walked up to the pretty brown haired girl and kissed the top of her head, then lifted her chin to look into her eyes.

"I understand. Remember: chess moves, not reflex moves! Leave emotion out of it and use logic. I have seen you use it many times, and you get better every time I see you at work. But you are young and self discipline is still a challenge. And yet, your youth is an asset, not a hindrance. Your energy and big heart will overcome the evil that permeates our times." He smiled at her and she smiled back, giving him a hug.

"Now, what we are about to discuss must remain secret. I need your help with someone..." He called out:

"Renatus!"

The young man appeared at the Library doorway.

"Yes sir?"

"Renatus, this is my adopted daughter Crimson. I have been training her far longer than I have been training you, so do not let her younger age disarm you. She is educated in the ways of martial arts and also knows the great game that is unfolding here at the Castle."

"How do you do?"

Crimson shot him a sideways glance, looking Renatus up and down, and deciding he had potential, let loose a mischievous grin that she knew could raise most men's blood pressure.

"Hi."

"Crimson is going to accompany you my dear boy, so frequently that no one will give her a second thought when they see you together. They will think her shy and delicate..." Von Paine shot a stern look at his daughter, who stopped grinning and looked serious "...because she will start acting that way."

"But why..." Renatus looked back and forth between father and daughter, and became even more confused when he saw what appeared to be silent acknowledgment from Crimson to her father. She knew what he was going to say.

"She will in fact be your body guard. Any attempt on your life will be met by her, with gusto." Renatus turned to look back at Crimson. She had an ear to ear smile now, proud that her father revealed her abilities.

"I see. thank you sir. I think." Crimson stopped smiling when she heard Renatus say this last part.

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by Stormtrooper of Death

Bloody excellent sir. Thank you for my inclusion as the German. Danke.

Glad you like it! Hope you don't mind being a bad guy. I made your name Emil Von Troop, more Teutonic.


And Crimson: I hope I you don't mind I made you my adopted daughter in the story. A kick ass adopted daughter! What do you think of the last chapter? (Chapter 6)

[HumanePain]

Sooooo....what does everyone think of the romantic liaisons? The character development? The unfolding plot? And yes, the damn 5 minute limit forced me to leave a few grammatical errors and a typo in the chapters, but I hope reading the story is not like rubbing sandpaper on your eyes and then pouring in hot sauce?...And I know I need to put more flesh on the bones of some of the characters.


Anyway, writers thrive on feedback, positive or negative. Any comments welcomed. Thanks.

[Stormtrooper of Death]

I like it. I don't mind being the bad guy. In fact I find it more interesting. Good work sir.

[L'Oiseau Noir]

*Cracked her knuckles.*

I'll give ya a critique!

I actually enjoyed the imagery you utilized in this story, H.P. I know, it's amazing--I said something positive. The only nitpicks I have is you need to tighten up the grammatical errors (which are few and far between), and maybe cut down on the modifiers (such as adverbs or adjectives). And, perhaps, make the dialog a bit more realistic and not as exuberantly written, unless that was your intention in the first place. If so, then by all means press on! Have fun with this piece, and don't let dry literature snobs like me put a damper on your fun.

Keep it up! I like it!

And the fact I'm mayor beats major ass. (Yes, that's a good thing).

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by L'Oiseau Noir

...and maybe cut down on the modifiers (such as adverbs or adjectives).

THANK YOU for the critique!

Would you please give me an example about how I overdid the modifiers and adverbs? (I know I am a bit chatty) I have difficulty finding it in my own work, so I need someone like you to point to a specific spot so I can say "oh yeah! Now I get it!"

Thanks!

[L'Oiseau Noir]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

THANK YOU for the critique!

Would you please give me an example about how I overdid the modifiers and adverbs? (I know I am a bit chatty) I have difficulty finding it in my own work, so I need someone like you to point to a specific spot so I can say "oh yeah! Now I get it!"

Thanks!

Sure thing!

For a brief example:

Crimson Von Paine demonstrated her latest martial arts kick on a hapless floor lamp, sending it down and spinning across the floor with such force the light bulb exploded and the lamp shade spun high into the air, landing on her father's head!

See how awkward it sounds? (Read it aloud) Now, with a bit of editing you can make it read a bit easier:

Crimson Von Paine grinned and demonstrated her latest martial arts kick on a hapless lamp. She pivoted on her left heel and rose her leg, thrusting the ball of her foot into the lamp, which spun across the room and clattered to the floor.

That's just an example on how to make it sound a tad bit fluidly, though if desired you can hack it down to size even further:

Crimson Von Paine grinned and demonstrated her latest martial arts kick, throwing her foot into a hapless lamp and sending it reeling to the floor.

As for the modifier bit, here's an example of overusing:

"I will do whatever it takes Noir." He used her name in the same intimate intensity as her gaze at him. He patted her hand, and she turned it to grasp his in turn. They smiled at each other with the look of concern that dear friends share. Deep inside, hidden so deep that he dared not reveal it to even himself, Duane dreamed for an instant as they briefly held hands. She then removed her hand and turned to applaud the band as Haun finished his solo, and Duane's momentary dream ended.

All that unnecessary description can be trimmed to this:

"I will do whatever it takes, Noir." He spoke her name with the same intensity as her gaze. He patted her hand. She turned to grasp his in turn, friendly smiles creeping over both their faces.

Deep inside, hidden so deep, Duane dreamed momentarily of their entwined hands. However, that dream was fleetly dispersed when Noir removed her hand to applaud the band.

You want to switch to a new paragraph when you start on Duane's inner-thoughts, since it's solely about him. It makes it a bit clearer to the reader.

For future reference, when you want to write about something that isn't very, very significant to the plot (i.e Crimson kicking the lamp), you don't want to make the description to lengthy and wordy, as it really doesn't contribute more than a fragment to the overall plot.

I hope that helps you, H.P

[HumanePain]

It does! Thank you very much! I must confess that I took technical classes in college and only the barest minimum of composition, hence my poor writing, but I will improve thanks to your patient and skilled teaching! Thanks again! (And I love the way you described Crimson's foot in the kick, much more vivid than my poor attempt!)

[L'Oiseau Noir]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

It does! Thank you very much! I must confess that I took technical classes in college and only the barest minimum of composition, hence my poor writing, but I will improve thanks to your patient and skilled teaching! Thanks again! (And I love the way you described Crimson's foot in the kick, much more vivid than my poor attempt!)

It wasn't a poor attempt! It just needed some trimming, like the unkempt hedge, which hasn't been tended to for years, sitting in your grandma's front yard.

Believe it or not, I learned all my grammatical skills from just cramming information into my skull whilst I read grammar book after grammar book. It's not hard, really, once you dedicate yourself to the craft. (I've already sold my soul to writing).

If you need help even further, you might like this site:

http://www.writingforums.com

You can get critiques from people who're familiar with grammar, and all its aspects. There's also a bunch of writer's resources available as well as general discussion board, poetry board, and a few other sections. They even have a debate forum for whenever you need to indulge in a heated discussion. Also worth mentioning is the writer's workshop, which has several threads pertaining to the grammatical aspects of writing. So, if you're serious about writing, or just want to broaden your knowledge this place is a good start. Plus, it'd be nice to be able to see a familiar, friendly face.

[Duane]

It's awesome. The way Duane is being portrayed is great, can't wait to see him kick major ass.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Oh God, I feel I have to step in here.

Honestly, I like the original MUCH better than the "corrected" version Noir offered.

[L'Oiseau Noir]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Oh God, I feel I have to step in here.

Honestly, I like the original MUCH better than the "corrected" version Noir offered.

No, you just don't like me. I never said his was bad, so shut it, Ophelia. You're only calling out my corrections because you have something against me. That, and you always have to be the person to say something rude.

And read more carefully next time. He asked for examples, not corrections. I just gave him a couple of examples he might've been able to build off of, or use if he chose to.