joke thread... - Page 5

Devil's Darling · 01-12-2009, 05:03 PM

Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet? If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

Geoluhread · 01-12-2009, 05:25 PM

^ Thanks!!! This really made my day!

jack_the_knife · 01-13-2009, 12:35 AM

That was in fact, rather funny

thanks.

JCC · 01-13-2009, 09:26 AM

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

Underwater Ophelia · 01-13-2009, 09:33 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
OH MAN, THAT WAS GOOD.

Seriously, I laughed out loud.

Geoluhread · 01-13-2009, 09:35 AM

No it wasn`t.

JCC · 01-13-2009, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoluhread

No it wasn`t.

Sure it was.

What's blue and fucks old ladies?

Hypothermia.

Underwater Ophelia · 01-13-2009, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoluhread

No it wasn`t.

Fine, don't learn to laugh at death.
Feel free to cry constantly.

Geoluhread · 01-13-2009, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Fine, don't learn to laugh at death.
Feel free to cry constantly.

I am not saying don`t laugh at death, the joke itself wasn`t funny.
Check out post #28, that`s funnier than JCC`s.

I don`t laugh at death, but I don`t cry either.

jack_the_knife · 01-13-2009, 11:30 AM

I found it funny. But then again I'm easily amused.

Necrophagist · 01-13-2009, 01:25 PM

It was funny....

Underwater Ophelia · 01-13-2009, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoluhread

I am not saying don`t laugh at death, the joke itself wasn`t funny.
Check out post #28, that`s funnier than JCC`s.

I don`t laugh at death, but I don`t cry either.

I was going to make some kind of joke about you being Muslim, but I couldn't think of anything that was funny and not just really offensive.

JCC · 01-13-2009, 01:38 PM

What goes 'plink plink fizz'?

Two babies in an acid bath.

Duane · 01-13-2009, 01:43 PM

Heh, classic.

nis~sijai · 01-13-2009, 01:47 PM

Fettucine alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
-Mitch Hedberg

JCC · 01-14-2009, 02:16 PM

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?

A baby with a punctured lung.

$haDe · 01-15-2009, 04:53 AM

Do you think that is a mean joke ?

Try this game.

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/476393

jack_the_knife · 03-27-2009, 03:07 AM

This is a joke my physics teacher told me. I find it rather amusing.

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven, they get bored very quickly and decide
to play hide-n-seek. Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He's supposed to count up to 100 and then start searching.

Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

Einstein's counting
1,2,3......97,98,99.....100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front.

Einstein says "newton's out..newton's....out....."
Newton denies and says : "I'm not out."
Then goes on to claim that he's not Newton.

All the scientists come out to see how he's going to prove that he isn't Newton.

Newton says "I'm standing in a square of area 1m squared, so that makes me Newton per meter squared and since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT!

Geoluhread · 03-27-2009, 03:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jack_the_knife

This is a joke my physics teacher told me. I find it rather amusing.

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven, they get bored very quickly and decide
to play hide-n-seek. Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He's supposed to count up to 100 and then start searching.

Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

Einstein's counting
1,2,3......97,98,99.....100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front.

Einstein says "newton's out..newton's....out....."
Newton denies and says : "I'm not out."
Then goes on to claim that he's not Newton.

All the scientists come out to see how he's going to prove that he isn't Newton.

Newton says "I'm standing in a square of area 1m squared, so that makes me Newton per meter squared and since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT!

Dad told me this one a long time ago =P

Sir Canvas Corpsey · 03-27-2009, 04:42 AM

"Gays have equal rights"

Ben Lahnger · 03-29-2009, 02:41 AM

A guy rushes into his doctor's office in a hurried panic.

"Doc", he says, "you gotta help me! I swallowed a pen! What should I do?"

And the doctor turns, looks him up and down seriously and says, "Use a pencil."

Ben Lahnger · 03-29-2009, 02:43 AM

And for the highbrow crowd in the room:

...

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those that understand binary, and those who don't.

...

Geoluhread · 08-08-2009, 01:31 PM

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm ********'s husband, ha-ha...'

Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.. .'.

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

Saya · 08-08-2009, 02:27 PM

Man, I know the admins got a grudge against her, but really? Censoring M i c h e l l e?

Anyway, joke I recently heard:

So Rene Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not,"and suddenly he vanishes.

Geoluhread · 08-08-2009, 03:01 PM

Omg haha
They censored that word
hahahaha
immature admins