Jokes.

Versus · 11-01-2010, 01:20 AM

G.net totally says I'm a senior member, so I can make any thread I want. And after 30 seconds of searching, I could not find one made specifically for humor. So I'll start.

Three midgets are studying for a big test at a library. The first says "I think I have the smallest hands in the world." The other two look at his hands and say ""Yeah, those are some very small hands." The first finds the Guinness Book of World Records to check if he does. He thumbs through the pages, and suddenly starts to hoot and howl. The other two ask "What is it?" He replies "I have the smallest hands in the world!" The other two congratulate him, and return to their studies.

The second midget then says "Well, I think I have the smallest feet in the world." The first and the third look down and reply "Yeah, those are some pretty small feet." He takes the Guinness Book of World Records, and after thumbing through the pages, also becomes very excited. The first and the third ask "What is it?" The second exclaims "I DO have the smallest feet in the world!" The first and third congratulate him, and return to their studies.

The third midget then stands up and says "You know... now that you mention it, I think I have the smallest dick in the world." The other two look at him in confusion at first, but then understand his dilemma. They say "Maybe you do. You ARE a midget, after all." The third midget then begins to rapidly thumb through the pages. After stopping at one, he reads through it and a frown of frustration appears on his face. The other two ask "What is it?" and he replies "Who the fuck is this Despanan guy?"

KontanKarite · 11-01-2010, 01:28 AM

Awww... you're one of my favorites.

Ok, so here's my joke.

SSJ_Goku

Ba dum tsh.

Versus · 11-01-2010, 02:48 PM

SSJ_Goku is a practical joke, you. That's like saying "I pushed someone into the pool."

vindicatedxjin · 11-01-2010, 05:16 PM

Bahahahhah! this cracked me up!

Despanan · 11-01-2010, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versus

G.net totally says I'm a senior member, so I can make any thread I want. And after 30 seconds of searching, I could not find one made specifically for humor. So I'll start.

Three midgets are studying for a big test at a library. The first says "I think I have the smallest hands in the world." The other two look at his hands and say ""Yeah, those are some very small hands." The first finds the Guinness Book of World Records to check if he does. He thumbs through the pages, and suddenly starts to hoot and howl. The other two ask "What is it?" He replies "I have the smallest hands in the world!" The other two congratulate him, and return to their studies.

The second midget then says "Well, I think I have the smallest feet in the world." The first and the third look down and reply "Yeah, those are some pretty small feet." He takes the Guinness Book of World Records, and after thumbing through the pages, also becomes very excited. The first and the third ask "What is it?" The second exclaims "I DO have the smallest feet in the world!" The first and third congratulate him, and return to their studies.

The third midget then stands up and says "You know... now that you mention it, I think I have the smallest dick in the world." The other two look at him in confusion at first, but then understand his dilemma. They say "Maybe you do. You ARE a midget, after all." The third midget then begins to rapidly thumb through the pages. After stopping at one, he reads through it and a frown of frustration appears on his face. The other two ask "What is it?" and he replies "Who the fuck is this Despanan guy?"

I lol'ed. blacktext.

Versus · 11-03-2010, 07:50 PM

Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather off the California coast for several days. As night fell, the captain noticed the patchy fog and decided to remain on the bridge.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, "Light. Bearing on the starboard bow".

"Is it steady or moving astern?" the captain asked.

The lookout replied, "Steady, captain," which meant the battleship was on a collision course with the other ship.

The captain called to the signalman, "Signal that ship. You are on a collision course. Advise you alter course 20 degrees."

Back came the answering signal, "Advisable that you change course 20 degrees."

The captain said, "Send another message. I am a senior captain. Change course 20 degrees."

"I am a seaman second class," came the reply, "Change your course at once."

The officer was furious. He spat out, "We are a battleship squadron. Change your course 20 degrees."

The flashing light replied, "I am a lighthouse."

The squadron changed course.

Sir Canvas Corpsey · 11-03-2010, 08:23 PM

Oooh! I have a joke!

Gay marriage.

LaBelleDameSansMerci · 11-04-2010, 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Versus

Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather off the California coast for several days. As night fell, the captain noticed the patchy fog and decided to remain on the bridge.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, "Light. Bearing on the starboard bow".

"Is it steady or moving astern?" the captain asked.

The lookout replied, "Steady, captain," which meant the battleship was on a collision course with the other ship.

The captain called to the signalman, "Signal that ship. You are on a collision course. Advise you alter course 20 degrees."

Back came the answering signal, "Advisable that you change course 20 degrees."

The captain said, "Send another message. I am a senior captain. Change course 20 degrees."

"I am a seaman second class," came the reply, "Change your course at once."

The officer was furious. He spat out, "We are a battleship squadron. Change your course 20 degrees."

The flashing light replied, "I am a lighthouse."

The squadron changed course.

I know that joke as being a US aircraft carrier that was all "We're From The United States Of America Therefore We're More Important Than you" coming up on a Newfie lighthouse. But that's the Canadian version.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were on a train in Scotland, and they saw a black sheep on a hill.
The engineer says, "Oh. Sheep in Scotland are black."
The physicist says, "No, some sheep in Scotland are black."
The mathematician says, "No, Scotland has at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."

Versus · 11-04-2010, 10:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaBelleDameSansMerci

I know that joke as being a US aircraft carrier that was all "We're From The United States Of America Therefore We're More Important Than you" coming up on a Newfie lighthouse. But that's the Canadian version.

That's interesting. Did you know the joke is a retelling of an actual event? It was published in a naval magazine many, many years ago.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaBelleDameSansMerci

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were on a train in Scotland, and they saw a black sheep on a hill.
The engineer says, "Oh. Sheep in Scotland are black."
The physicist says, "No, some sheep in Scotland are black."
The mathematician says, "No, Scotland has at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."

I laughed. Keep them comming~

LaBelleDameSansMerci · 11-04-2010, 12:10 PM

A sheep farmer held a competition to build a fence to keep his sheep in. Whoever could do it cheapest, won.
The engineer draws a line around all the sheep, and gives his estimate.
The physicist herds all the sheep into a smaller area and encloses them with a circle, and gives his estimate.
The mathematician draws a circle around himself, points to where he's standing, and says "I define this as the outside."

Catch · 11-04-2010, 10:07 PM

Okay, a hindu, rabbi and critic where driving down a long country road when their car broke down. Looking around they saw a farmhouse and walked over for some assistance.

The farmer said it's to late to call a tow truck. He has two beds and one person will have to stay out in the barn. The hindu volenteered to go out to the barn because suffering is a part of their heritage and it would be an honor.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. The hindu appoligized. There is a cow in the barn. Cows are sacred to his people and could not intrude on its territory.

The rabbi stepped up and said he'd sleep in the barn. One night in the barn would be no problem. What's a little hay?

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. The rabbi had to decline, because there is a pig in the barn. Pigs are unclean animals and it would be very uncomfortable.

The critic finally said he would go out to the barn.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. The cow and pig were standing outside.

Versus · 11-19-2010, 11:07 PM

Three men arrive for a job interview with the CIA. While being interviewed in a separate room, the first man is asked by the interviewer if he loves his wife.

"Of course, I do." he says.

Next, he is asked if he loves his country.

"Yes, I do." he says.

The interviewer then places a handgun on the table and says:

"Your wife is in a room down the hall, last door on the right. I want you to kill her for your country."

The first man looks at him and says "I can't do it."

The interviewer asks the second man the same questions.

"Okay." says the second man.

He takes the gun and walks to the room his wife is being held. After a long silence, he returns. His collar and tie are loose, and a bead of sweat runs down his brow.

"I can't do it." he says, and places the gun back on the table.

The interviewer then asks the third man the same questions, and receives the same answer as the second. The third man takes the gun down the hall, and a long series of shots echo through the hallway, and then after a moment some loud pounding sounds.

The third man returns to the room, and the interviewer asks:

"What happened?"

The third man says:

"The gun was loaded with blanks, so I beat her to death with it."

Catch · 12-01-2010, 12:27 PM

I just heard a great joke.

How many EMO Kids does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

None, they sit in the dark and cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsEPKw09iGk

Saya · 12-01-2010, 12:46 PM

How do you make a hormone?

You punch her in the box!

Catch · 12-12-2010, 10:23 PM

So... Why do the English never talk about sex with their spouse?

because it is forbidden after marriage.

(Ask about the last time they had sex... that's forbidden too.)

Versus · 12-13-2010, 07:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saya

How do you make a hormone?

You punch her in the box!

I giggled.

*Twitch · 12-13-2010, 08:34 PM

Anti-jokes anyone?

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
Robin, get in the batmobile!

Versus · 12-13-2010, 08:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Twitch

Anti-jokes anyone?

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
Robin, get in the batmobile!

I laughed.

HumanePain · 12-13-2010, 08:58 PM

A-J:
A woman had just bought some aspirins at the drugstore when she ran into an old friend. They lost track of time when the woman realized her bus had just stopped outside. "Sorry ,gotta catch the bus! Bye" and she left. As the bus pulled away, she realized she left her medicine at the store and jumped up to tell the driver "my aspirins! My aspirins!"

The driver turned around and said "Maybe you left them at the store."

Garethsteen · 12-13-2010, 11:06 PM

This made me chuckle:

A man walks into a shop and looks for some dog food, the shelves are nearly bare and he can't find what he's looking for. He approaches a shop assistant and asks if they have any dog food in stock.
'Do you have a dog?' she asks.
'Yes of course I have a dog, I wouldn't be asking for dog food if I didn't.'
'Well I'm going to have to see the dog, we are so low on stock I'm not allowed to sell anything unless it will be used by the customer who purchases it.' said the shop assistant.
The man goes home, gets his dog and brings it back to the shop, the shop assistant is happy enough and sells the man dog food.

A few days later he returns to the shop, the shelves are still bare so he finds the shop assistant and asks her for some cat food.
'Do you have a cat?' she asks.
'Yes.' replies the man.
'Our stocks are still low I'm going to have to see the cat.' said the shop assistant.
The man goes home, finds his cat and brings it back to the store. The shop assistant agrees to sell him some cat food.

The next day the man returns to the shop holding a plastic bag, he walks up to the shop assistant and asks her to place her hand in the bag and describe what she feels.
'It's warm and a little soft.' she replies.
'Do you have any toilet roll?' the man asks.

vindicatedxjin · 12-14-2010, 07:18 AM

I don't get it.

*Twitch · 12-14-2010, 07:56 PM

It's shit.

KontanKarite · 12-14-2010, 07:59 PM

Mindless1 makes a return. You know, she's like a garbage pail kid.

vindicatedxjin · 12-15-2010, 06:13 AM

Garbage pail kids were scary as fuck.

Versus · 12-26-2010, 02:06 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VDvgL58h_Y

Fuckin' hilarity.

Also: Yes, it's 10 minutes. That's the point.