Superior Advice Courtesy of Gothicus Maximus

[L'Oiseau Noir]

Originally Posted by Breathless Horror

As an impartial third party, I'm just going to throw my two cents in; wether you're aware of it or not Noir, you definitely come across as looking for a fight. Yes Gothicus can be a prick, but be the bigger person and let it go.

I wasn't looking for a fight. I was just asking him something. Sure, I threw in a bit of sarcasm, but not in the spirit of hunting for a fight.

If it sparks something, then just let him go off on me. I don't care. I'm not going to argue back.

[Xombie]

L'oiseau Noir, stop being so self-centered. As much as you'd like to believe that kids on the web are out to get you, I'm sure they've got much better things to do than try to break some girl they've never met. You make it clear by your constant arguing that you will not be "defeated", and I doubt these ever-so-vicious souls care enough to try.

Originally Posted by L'Oiseau Noir

I'm not going to argue back.

And for some CRAZY reason, I seriously doubt this.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by L'Oiseau Noir

And, Ophelia, don't make me laugh. You're not looking to help me, so spare me the bullshit.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Human exists in any situation or notion, which, through some aberrant, absurd quality, evokes amusement.

I found this humorous!

[Beneath the Shadows]

Originally Posted by Xombie

...stop being so self-centered...

Self-centeredness at gothic.net... Dear god it's the apocalypse! Ruuunnn!

Oh, wait, no, that was just a sneeze.

[L'Oiseau Noir]

Originally Posted by Xombie

L'oiseau Noir, stop being so self-centered. As much as you'd like to believe that kids on the web are out to get you, I'm sure they've got much better things to do than try to break some girl they've never met. You make it clear by your constant arguing that you will not be "defeated", and I doubt these ever-so-vicious souls care enough to try.

And for some CRAZY reason, I seriously doubt this.

I suppose you're right... I am acting self-centered. Sorry about that, to you, and anyone else I've been irritating with the way I've been acting lately. I just have this unshakable mentality that everyone--not just limited to persons online--are out to get me.

I apologize then, even if I don't like him, in advance, to Gothicus for sounding like I was trying to provoke a fight and also for jacking his thread. I'm going to take a break from the computer for a while to do a bit of reformation.

Sorry again, guys.

(And I swear this is the last thing I'm going to say here on this thread).

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

typo lol

Whatever man, I have integrity, I'm not going to try to spin it like I meant to do that. Even those who are as gods to mortal men can botch a keystroke every once in a while.

Was this thread specifically created to subtly prod at me here and there?

Dear L'Oiseau Nor,

I'm afraid not. Clearly, this thread, like every other on this site worth reading, is not about you, but rather me. Nevertheless, I do believe I recall certain topics more suited to what you seem to seek; unless my memory fails me their titles were "Hey guys in case you care I wrote some vampire stories" and "I am worthless".

Godspeed on your travels and good luck with your crippling paranoid delusions,

Gothicus Maximus

P.S. You are forgiven for jacking my thread.

[ionic_angel]

It's like Comedy Central here, except for the part where I pay money or watch stupid commercials. :-)

GothicusMaximus, how doth one correctly apply nail polish?

[TopHaggardDoll]

Originally Posted by JCC

... People are morons.

I'm an idiot...

I just read my last post, I was in one of those moods...

Good times.

[Darcnyss]

Dear GothicusMaximus,

Herein lies a problem which has been plaguing me since early childhood.

Why, and more importantly, how, did the dish manage to run away with the spoon?

[Apathy's_Child]

Dear Gothicus,

How do I get my girlfriend to give me anal? I tried asking nicely, but got nowhere. Then I tried to hold her down and just ram her with one hand over her mouth, but the bitch got scrappy and bit me then kicked me in the nuts. I even tried to get hold of some rohypnol, but it's harder to track down than you'd think, and she won't drink anything I give her without sticking a date **** test strip in it anyway. I love her, but I don't think I can stay with someone who cares so little about the ache in my groin .

[Wormboy]

GothicusMaximus, I have seen the error in my ways and beseech forgiveness.

My question to the esteemed GM is as such: What is the best comb to use when teasing one's hair?

[gothicusmaximus]

By Odin's raven, four questions! I seem to have quite a task ahead of me, one which would indeed seem daunting to one less skilled in the fabrication of advice. Without further ado, let my charity commence.

Originally Posted by ionic_angel

GothicusMaximus, how doth one correctly apply nail polish?

Dear ionic_angel,

I must confess, I hesitated to address this question. If I excuse this, how long before I receive queries as to how one 'correctly' carries out other menial tasks? Will I soon be called upon to expend time and effort answering such enquiries as "how doth one correctly open a door?" or "how doth one correctly eat?"? Nevertheless, I remain a man of my word, and I vowed to respond to every question, no matter how inane, so answer this question I will.
Ionic_angel, begin by turning the top of your nail polish bottle to the left, until it is no longer secured to the base of the container. Proceed to hold the now open bottle over your right hand, turning it upside-down such that gravity forces the liquid inside to slowy ooze forth and fall upon your fingertips. When each of the fingertips on that hand are covered in polish, repeat this process for the other hand. Gradually, the dried substance will fall off every area but your nails, and you'll be the envy of all the goths on the block.

Always do the right thing,

Gothicus Maximus

Dear GothicusMaximus,

Herein lies a problem which has been plaguing me since early childhood.

Why, and more importantly, how, did the dish manage to run away with the spoon?

Dear Darcnyss,

Disillusioning others is never pleasant-- indeed, it may very well be the most difficult part of the job I've taken on out of the kindness of my heart. However, I've pledged to help you, and sometimes, to do that, I must first hurt you. Darcnyss, when Mother Goose composed the time-honored nursery rhymes that you adored so uncompromising in your youth, and upon which you reflect fondly even today, she was not of sound mind. Forgive me if I eschew euphemism, but the bitch was tripping balls. The line to which you refer is not an account of an actual event, but rather an ill-conceived, half-realized metaphor which made sense only to Goose and only while she was completely fucked. The notion of a Dish and a Spoon running away together is certainly not the most absurd presented in the four lines of verse within which it is found. How can a cow, a creature hardly known for any extraordinary leg strength, nor for the ability to survive the vacuum of space, jump over the moon? 'Diddle', no matter how many times it is repeated, is not even a word.
As to how the "Screw Loose Goose", as she was known, rationalized the actions of these eating utensils is anyone's guess. Some scholars speculate that the hallucination was a manifestation of her desire to elope with her black boyfriend Tay, of whom her family disproved.

All the king's horses and all the king's men can't put your childhood back together again,

Gothicus Maximus

Dear Gothicus,

How do I get my girlfriend to give me anal? I tried asking nicely, but got nowhere. Then I tried to hold her down and just ram her with one hand over her mouth, but the bitch got scrappy and bit me then kicked me in the nuts. I even tried to get hold of some rohypnol, but it's harder to track down than you'd think, and she won't drink anything I give her without sticking a date **** test strip in it anyway. I love her, but I don't think I can stay with someone who cares so little about the ache in my groin .

Dear Apathy's_Child,

You've already overcome the greatest obstacle yourself, in realizing that your girlfriend needn't necessarily be conscious in order for you to attain what you crave. The only problem I perceive is a flaw in your execution. Apparently, you're a pathetic weakling who is incapable of physically subduing a woman, so you'll need to either keep your quarry at range or come upon her while she's indisposed. Have you considered tranquilizer darts? If you can't manage to get a handle on those, try chloroforming her as she sleeps, or, assuming wearing a gas mask doesn't kill the mood for you, fumigate her home with the same. Should you require a second opinion on this issue, I encourage you to get in contact with gnet member Duane-- this, I believe, is his area of expertise.

Happy lubricating,

Gothicus Maximus

My question to the esteemed GM is as such: What is the best comb to use when teasing one's hair?

Dear Wormboy,

Central to the goth aesthetic is the DIY ethic our community retains from its early days as a branch of the punk scene. While you may be able to deceive an unseasoned babybat, true goths like myself will be able to tell if you allow your hair to come in contact with a comb purchased from a consumerist outfit and unmodified from its original form. This said, the ideal hair styling utensil is one that you've fashioned yourself, preferably from the bones of bats or human children. Carving The Cure lyrics or pagan runes of power into the teeth of the comb should help greatly.

Lose yourself in Chinese art and American girls,

Gothicus Maximus

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

"get in contact with gnet member Duane-- this, I believe, is his area of expertise."

ROTFLMAO!

[korinna5555]

Dear almighty Gothicus, tell me what Justin's cat is named, and then I shall consult you for further advice.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Does that mean that someone isn't good at giving advice if they don't have psychic power?

[Wednesday Friday Addams]

Dear Gothicus.
What is the best ice cream flavor and why?

[Johnny Gnar Gnar]

Dear Gothicus:


Why the God complex? I just simply must know.











Sorry, but it had to happen; to satiate my own selfish desire to know.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Korinna

Dear almighty Gothicus, tell me what Justin's cat is named, and then I shall consult you for further advice.

Dear Korinna,

Trick question. Justin doesn't have a cat. However, he refers to his penis as Justin Jr.

Still not a psychic,

Gothicus Maximus

Originally Posted by Wednesday Friday Addams

Dear Gothicus.
What is the best ice cream flavor and why?

Dear Wednesday Friday Addams,

Easy. Mint Chocolate Chip is the best flavor, because it is my favorite, and my opinions are immutable truths.

Enjoy,

Gothicus Maximus

Originally Posted by Johnny Gnar Gnar

Dear Gothicus:


Why the God complex? I just simply must know.

Dear Johnny Gnar Gnar,

I am intrigued by your use of the term 'complex'. In the tradition of Socrates, I will answer your question with two of my own. Did Oedipus have an Oedipal complex? Did Napoleon have a Napoleon complex?

Chew on that,

Gothicus Maximus

[Wednesday Friday Addams]

What types of tributes do you like best?

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Dear Apathy's_Child,

You've already overcome the greatest obstacle yourself, in realizing that your girlfriend needn't necessarily be conscious in order for you to attain what you crave. The only problem I perceive is a flaw in your execution. Apparently, you're a pathetic weakling who is incapable of physically subduing a woman, so you'll need to either keep your quarry at range or come upon her while she's indisposed. Have you considered tranquilizer darts? If you can't manage to get a handle on those, try chloroforming her as she sleeps, or, assuming wearing a gas mask doesn't kill the mood for you, fumigate her home with the same. Should you require a second opinion on this issue, I encourage you to get in contact with gnet member Duane-- this, I believe, is his area of expertise.

Happy lubricating,

Gothicus Maximus

I went for the chloroform and IT WORKED!! I'm satisfied, she's walking like John Wayne and not speaking to me, and you've saved me the embarrassment of being beaten up by a hundred and ten pound girl. I would TOTALLY appear as a satisfied customer in a commercial.

[Darcnyss]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Dear Darcnyss,

Disillusioning others is never pleasant-- indeed, it may very well be the most difficult part of the job I've taken on out of the kindness of my heart. However, I've pledged to help you, and sometimes, to do that, I must first hurt you. Darcnyss, when Mother Goose composed the time-honored nursery rhymes that you adored so uncompromising in your youth, and upon which you reflect fondly even today, she was not of sound mind. Forgive me if I eschew euphemism, but the bitch was tripping balls. The line to which you refer is not an account of an actual event, but rather an ill-conceived, half-realized metaphor which made sense only to Goose and only while she was completely fucked. The notion of a Dish and a Spoon running away together is certainly not the most absurd presented in the four lines of verse within which it is found. How can a cow, a creature hardly known for any extraordinary leg strength, nor for the ability to survive the vacuum of space, jump over the moon? 'Diddle', no matter how many times it is repeated, is not even a word.
As to how the "Screw Loose Goose", as she was known, rationalized the actions of these eating utensils is anyone's guess. Some scholars speculate that the hallucination was a manifestation of her desire to elope with her black boyfriend Tay, of whom her family disproved.

All the king's horses and all the king's men can't put your childhood back together again,

Gothicus Maximus

Dear Gothicus

I thank you for making it all clear now. Now please excuse me while I go and cry in the corner.

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

How many licks does it take to get to the ceter of a tootsiepop?

[Xombie]

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

How many licks does it take to get to the ceter of a tootsiepop?

Gothicus, do you mind if I step in?

658. True story.

[Underwater Ophelia]

I got around 640.