Despanan's Current Headspace

[Despanan]

Okay, so there's been allot of talk here about religion of late, and we're always going on about politics, so I thought I'd post where I am mentally because

a) I want to

and

b) so you guys can have some context as to why I'm schooling you in such a magnificent and yet brutal fashion.

Okay. So I was raised as a quasi-military brat. My father enlisted in the US navy to pay for medical school, thus he ended up as a flight surgeon and made it to the rank of Lt. Commander. I was born in Italy, and then was moved to Pennsylvania, then northern Virginia, and then south-central butt-fuck nowhere Kentucky. After which I graduated highschool, and attended the University of Kentucky. I studied theatre with a bunch of simple-minded fascist assholes.

I was raised upper-middle class Catholic. No one asked your religion (it was considered rude) You went to church on Sunday, dropped some money in the collection plate, and got on with your life.

My grandmother was a former Russian Orthodox turned Quaker. She had a habit of saying that the population at large was "high Moron" and really believed in the whole "religion is the opiate of the masses" maxim.

My mother read my the story of Abraham and Isaac as a kid, and ended it by telling me that she thought what god did was an "awful way to test somebody".

When I was seventeen religious people so annoyed me that I couldn't even stand to see Flanders on The Simpsons.

When we moved to Kentucky, suddenly we were in the bible belt. The community was middle class to poor, ignorant, bigoted, Baptists and Pentecostals who's first question (after "what's your name") was always "you been saved?"

I converted to Buddhism in highschool, for the wrong reasons.

My Parents are republicans. In college, I identified as a "Libertarian" and voted for Bush (yeah, I know). I was actually pretty liberal even then, but I'd gotten so swept up in the anti-democrat propaganda that I ended up voting against my own views. Those eight years he was in power convinced me of what a retard I'd been.

I graduated and moved to Cincinnati, OH and the Louisville, KY. Now I'm in New York. I moved here to further pursue playwriting. I'm poor as hell (though less so now than I was a few months ago) and live in Harlem. My neighborhood is largely Dominican.

I had a girlfriend in College who was a quazi-born again christian. She used to say: "You're not really a Buddhist because you don't follow all the laws and don't believe in every single teaching" I pointed out that she claimed to be a Christian but we still fucked, and she got mad at me and went back to reading twilight.

Now I'd say I'm a Buddhist/atheist. I reject most of the supernatural ideas, and the antiquated laws governing behavior (don't eat meat, avoid intoxicants especially alcohol, be celibate) but still cleave to the basic philosophy. To me, life is about being a good person and living it as much as possible. I consider wasting your time/potential to be one of the greatest sins a person can commit.

The way I see it, all religions and creeds are utilitarian, and are only good if they inspire their followers to lead better lives (thus their good is situational. for instance: communism may be good in one situation and that same form of communism may be bad in another). If you want to believe in something supernatural, that's fine so long as it's not destructive and you admit that you're just believing in it because you want to.

There are objective truths, and some ideas, cultures, and creeds are better than others. If you believe in something that is stupid, I will call it stupid. I don't do this because I hate you, I do this because if you believe in stupid shit, at best you're wasting your life, and at worse you're causing other people to waste their lives and behave in a destructive manner.

That is all, for now.

[JCC.]

More importantly, do you wipe when you pee?

[Apathy's_Child]

That's between him and his god.

[vindicatedxjin]

Thanks for your story. I like life stories.

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

That's between him and his god.

Peeing is for the weak. I only shit.

[Apathy's_Child]

Does that mean I'M your god?

Man, this relationship is moving so fast. I'm all of a flutter.

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

Does that mean I'M your god?

Man, this relationship is moving so fast. I'm all of a flutter.

Yes. and since I'm also an atheist, that means you don't exist.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

[Hearts_Purple]

That was a really long post.

[Despanan]

Also:

I have one "supernatural belief" about the universe, which I have come to due to my own personal experience.

Basically I believe that each person has a specific "fate" or more correctly a "will", the concept is that there is something that they were put on this earth to do (not by a creator or a designer, more like a course their life should take) One can violate this will, but to do so causes suffering. When you are following your will, life gets easier, and things line up for you.

Basically it's kinda a fushion between the idea of the Tao and Aleister Crowley's concept of the Will.

[ape descendant]

So this will, is independent of the brain then, sort of like a spirit thingy of sorts?

[Alan]

Originally Posted by Despanan

Now I'd say I'm a Buddhist/atheist. I reject most of the supernatural ideas, and the antiquated laws governing behavior but still cleave to the basic philosophy. To me, life is about being a good person and living it as much as possible.

So, nothing like the basic philosophy of Buddhism.

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by ape descendant

So this will, is independent of the brain then, sort of like a spirit thingy of sorts?

I don't know. It may be entirely natural and based on our own mental state. It may only feel spiritual.

Basically, I base it on how my life went after college. I was miserable and nothing seemed to ever go my way. I had to struggle through classes and was pretty much a social outcast in my dept.

Then I said: "fuck it" and went on the trail. Everything lined up and I met so many wonderful people and really started to figure out who I was. When I got near to the end of my first two months and was looking to go back to civilization, an old friend called me out of the blue and offered to pick me up and take me on a vacation with him to the beach. After college I moved from one bit of serendipity to the next, lucking into jobs and staying exactly as long as I needed them. When I didn't need them anymore things got harder and other roads opened up.

When I made the descion to go back on the trail out of nowhere a guy showed up to take over my spot at the theatre I was working, and while I was in the woods, a query on one of my plays came back from one of the best play festivals in the country.

When I was ready to move to New York, jobs and places to stay opened up to me, and out of nowhere I lucked into meeting some amazing and talented people right out of the blue my second night in the city. People I'm still working with.

I got a job at one place which inadvertantly paid a pivotal role in getting corporate sponsors for one of my plays, and when I said "fuck it, I'll just go into debt" and committed to producing one of my plays in Virginia, I immediately got promoted and the new job saved me financially.

I had no idea what I was going to do when this job ended and "Bam" something else recently happened that made it all fall into place.

I dunno, most likely this is just me ascribing a pattern to what's been working out in my life lately. Humans are like that, and I think I'm especially prone to it because I'm a writer. However that doesn't stop it from feelingspiritual.

You get me?

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by Alan

So, nothing like the basic philosophy of Buddhism.

No, I think it jives.

What's your understanding of basic Buddhist philosophy?

[Alan]

I was also a buddhist, also for wrong reasons, in junior high (it really changed my attitude, though, so it was good in the end)
But the reason I'm not a Buddhist anymore is that the most basic premise is that desire is sickness. A fulfilling life is one that is devoid of desire; not one that strives to fulfill them. I completely disagree with that.

[ape descendant]

Originally Posted by Despanan

I dunno, most likely this is just me ascribing a pattern to what's been working out in my life lately. Humans are like that, and I think I'm especially prone to it because I'm a writer. However that doesn't stop it from feelingspiritual.

You get me?

So more like a fate or sorts... or perhaps going along with one's nature.

I think I may understand what you're talking about. Even though I don't believe in spirits or souls any more, I still understand the desire (perhaps more of a need) to feel spiritual, that goes beyond the belief or non belief in anything supernatural.

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by Alan

I was also a buddhist, also for wrong reasons, in junior high (it really changed my attitude, though, so it was good in the end)
But the reason I'm not a Buddhist anymore is that the most basic premise is that desire is sickness. A fulfilling life is one that is devoid of desire; not one that strives to fulfill them. I completely disagree with that.

Ahhh, I see what you're talking about.

You have kind of a point there, but it's also slightly based on a mistranslation of desire. Desire isn't really the right word for the cause of suffering, it's better translated as "craving" or "attatchment". The idea being that since nothing is permanent you're going to lose everything you've worked for and the loss is going to make you suffer ie: "Riches and things will disappear, Loved ones will die, accomplishments will be forgotten" etc.

It's not necessarily bad to want these things, or even persue or attain them, it's bad because if your happiness is tied only to those things, you will suffer at their inevitable loss. However, if you're able to let them go when it's time, you won't cause yourself to suffer. Thus you won't become angry or bitter and acrue negative Karma.

It's not necessary to purge yourself of your humanity to reach enlightenment, though many people try to take that route.

To me, Buddhism is about being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Enjoying things and relationships when you have them, and not falling apart when they end.

But my outlook on like isn't what you would call a "normative buddhist outlook" I suppose.

[Alan]

Holy shit, you've just socialized Buddhism for me.

[JCC]

I've never been a Buddhist, I win.

[Heretic]

Originally Posted by Despanan

I dunno, most likely this is just me ascribing a pattern to what's been working out in my life lately. Humans are like that, and I think I'm especially prone to it because I'm a writer. However that doesn't stop it from feelingspiritual.

You get me?

Ernest Hemingway may have been an ass, but he happens to be the source of a quote that stays with me:

"You make your own luck."

I believe that clarity of purpose provides a person with the ability to recognize and build upon the opportunities available to them.

As it happens, I'm a writer myself. My best work comes about not when I wait for inspiration to strike, but when I go after it with a big stick. The trick to writing, as in life, is to be proactive. It seems that once you discovered this, things took off for you.

I think this may be the basis for believing in the ability to affect one's fate. While life is by definition random, simply trying to impose order on the chaos allows you to create a path to achieving your goals.

I define this as self-determination without dependence upon the spiritual. For me, the spiritual is something else entirely and not a requirement to achieving what you want in life.


- Heretic

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by Alan

Holy shit, you've just socialized Buddhism for me.

Awesome.

What's interesting, is that even though alot of people have that whole "Celibate Monks Only" veiw of Buddhism, the scripture itself contradicts it a number of times.

I usually remember this one story, about a Buddah who encountered a hermit monk, who said to him "I have been meditating on patience for fifty years" The Buddah responded "Bullshit. I don't believe you" and the monk got angry and demanded he leave.

[Saya]

Originally Posted by Despanan

Ahhh, I see what you're talking about.

You have kind of a point there, but it's also slightly based on a mistranslation of desire. Desire isn't really the right word for the cause of suffering, it's better translated as "craving" or "attatchment". The idea being that since nothing is permanent you're going to lose everything you've worked for and the loss is going to make you suffer ie: "Riches and things will disappear, Loved ones will die, accomplishments will be forgotten" etc.

It's not necessarily bad to want these things, or even persue or attain them, it's bad because if your happiness is tied only to those things, you will suffer at their inevitable loss. However, if you're able to let them go when it's time, you won't cause yourself to suffer. Thus you won't become angry or bitter and acrue negative Karma.

It's not necessary to purge yourself of your humanity to reach enlightenment, though many people try to take that route.

To me, Buddhism is about being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Enjoying things and relationships when you have them, and not falling apart when they end.

But my outlook on like isn't what you would call a "normative buddhist outlook" I suppose.

So if fulfilling that one thing that you were supposed to do on earth doesn't work out, isn't that a great craving or attachment that causes suffering?

And I don't get how thinking we all have a single purpose has anything to do with the Tao. The Tao is the source of all things, the great singularity. Not really a spiritual booth where you pick up your life's purpose And thats also asking for, whats the purpose for someone who's brain dead from birth? Are you sure the purpose isn't attached in retrospect?

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by Saya

So if fulfilling that one thing that you were supposed to do on earth doesn't work out, isn't that a great craving or attachment that causes suffering?

And I don't get how thinking we all have a single purpose has anything to do with the Tao. The Tao is the source of all things, the great singularity. Not really a spiritual booth where you pick up your life's purpose And thats also asking for, whats the purpose for someone who's brain dead from birth? Are you sure the purpose isn't attached in retrospect?

It's not necessarily a single thing you're supposed to do, more like a path you can take as opposed to bushwacking through life.

And no, it wouldn't be a great craving if you weren't attatched to it.

Take for instance me hiking the AT. The reason I had to do it wasn't so that I'd get accolade, or for any money, or anything else I might gain, I wanted to do it just to do it. Now that it's done, there's no craving or attatchment. I suppose I might suffer if I got really old and forgot I did it, but then again, at that point I think I'd be so far gone I doubt it would bother me anyway.

Of course I'm not sure that purpose isn't attatched in retrospect. In fact I said it was more likely that I was doing that, as I'm a person and we tend to ascribe patterns to everything.

As for how I relate it to the Taoism, it's more along the more popular concept of "going with the flow" than really "the tao that can be spoken of is not the eternal tao" sort of dealy.

And the "will" of a crippled baby? Damned if I know what the fuck that thing is supposed to do in it's short life. I doubt it would really matter.

I think you're assuming I imagine a dramatic singular purpose for everyone. this is incorrect.

Basically what I'm saying is that I've found that the more I cleave to the type of person I feel I'm "supposed to be" the more bits of serendipity line up to help me along.

Am I making my own luck? Probably. It just feels spiritual to me.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Despanan

Yes. and since I'm also an atheist, that means you don't exist.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Eh, I'll just create Wiccans. Keep those bullshit goalposts movin' and all.

[Sinjob]

I lurked your website and skimmed through/read some poems, you're good. Real good. You look and sound like a poet, particularly in your picture of you reciting, haha.

And woah.

We seem to have a shitload in common:
-My Dad was a naval officer (though by the time I was born he was long out)
-Both raised Catholic in an upper class family (still being raised in my case, two years to go!)
-Distaste in religion but turning to an alternative for the WRONG reasons
-Been in and out of the south (AL and GA in my case)
-Slavic descent (Not 100% in your case but you mentioned your Mom being Russian Orthodox)

Of course the most prominent dissimilarity is that you're at the place currently I hope to be when I leave my home down South: New York City. And I've always had the premonition (which I try not to not let it get to me nowadays) of being the young starving writer in the city, which you seem to pretty much be at.

Plus I see you hiking, too. I can tell you I haven't never achieved a more liberating feeling than being lost in the Appalachian Trail (I used to go to a reform school in dumbfuck North GA and the little people there were some of the most ignorant).

Great minds think alike. Cool story bro (and I mean that)

[Hearts_Purple]

How can people live their lives without craving/desire/attachment?