"White Mass" and "Corporate Darkness"

[Draconysius]

Two songs I recently wrote, the first already up for download. Do give feedback; otherwise, I can't tell what I need to improve!

In the first recorded song, I used only a few excerpts from the entire writing.
"White Mass" (extended)
beneath an altar
in presence of man
he begs your acceptance
but he's locked in a room

lying bound and gagged
word cut into his chest
and their forgiveness
a decaying mess

holy manipulation
hell exists inside them
turning their shoulder
against the looking glass

man on the altar
attached to the floor
his hands were bleeding
spikes from the kind-hearted

his outstretched hands
could see no mercy
spawn of the enigma
spat on by his followers

bald barbies get more
mercy and love
from a world that vomits
pesticide from fingers

they hide away in question
they can't handle their guilt
their wrists drop to the floor
in one desparate slice no

god will save you when you
spit on houses of mud
one woman to offer water
is not quite enough

forgive them father for they
know exactly what they do
they are blind in question
they will not see the light

until lady death is
breathing down their necks
can they not see
they're already burning


The second has yet to be recorded.

"Corporate Darkness"
now tell me if I'm wrong
but I thought goth
wouldn't bitch and moan

you cry about your girlfriend
you cry about your wardrobe
you cry about your fans
listening for free

you cry about the people
who say mean things
you cry so fucking much
but you never think

yes it takes more than imagery of death
you're lying to those kids with every fucking breath
how can an underground scene outside the industry
exist within a band that makes so much damn money
tell me!

They sound like screamo
they sound like pop punk
they sound like soft rock
but sure as hell don't sound goth!

you bitch about your genre
you bitch about your roots
you bitch about your fame
to people that made you so

you moan about razors
you moan about cutting
you moan about the stereotypes
you help perpetuate
fuck you!

yes it takes more than an influence here
it takes more than dressing to make parents run in fear
how can music that acts as an alternative to pop
be at the top of the billboard chards next to plastic slop

corporate darkness!
corporate darkness!
corporate darkness!
rebel to rebellion! x4

[Underwater Ophelia]

I like the first one a whole lot, what with the imagery and such, but the second one seems cheesy. It could very well sound fine with music, but just reading it I find it hypocritical. The song is bitching about bitching.

[Draconysius]

Yeah, you're completely right. Hmm... how to express my disgust without it sounding like bitching?

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Draconysius

Yeah, you're completely right. Hmm... how to express my disgust without it sounding like bitching?

That's tricky, and to be honest, I really don't know.
Maybe you could do something really out there, like create a character that represents these things you despise, and write about that character.
Sorry, I have a thing about characters in poems/songs.

[Draconysius]

Yeah, I may just give up writing not-goth songs altogether. It really doesn't make a difference. I did, however, write a new song recently called "Small Things" that I'd like to share.

"Small Things"
lying in a crowded room
there's a single melancholy tune
it emanates from the walls of decay
for eyes that seek yet another way

face folded in a smoky bar
discussing what it is and why you are
forgetting burdens outside the wall
regretting learning to rise and fall

walking in a cemetery
in shadows' embrace of the willow tree
beguiling stones become an index for life
adamant sceneries of innermost light

chorus
small times
small talk
small measures
gone by

small faces
small hours
small people
passed by

fighting for your masters again
attacks will come and you will never know when
you've been told to love but still you refuse
when someone takes it wrong it leads to abuse

why focus on the accuracy
after all no one can truly see
follow your teachers but do not believe
that you should kill if someone doesn't agree

enjoy your time away from mother
and so you don't have to hear it from another
above everything you must know yourself
before you start accusing anyone else

chorus x2

repeat verse 1

chorus

solo

end

[Underwater Ophelia]

That seems really cool. Is it recorded, and if so, where can I listen to it? And if not, may I have a listen when it is?

[Draconysius]

Click "ADDRESS UNKNOWN" on my signature to be brought to our page. You should see our songs.

[KontanKarite]

Actually, Drac. What I would do with the one song about the corporate darkness bit is to not be so blatant.

I would recommend you listen to Android Lust - Wicked Days. It's a wonderful depiction of the corporate bullshit with a very introspective/intellectual standpoint.

I suppose I can try to help you out, if you want. Remember, we must show, not tell.