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Old 05-24-2011, 11:05 PM   #5801
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Mr. Doobie has me slightly confused.
.................................................. ...........

My rant is that I don't know if my man will be back on Wednesday OR on Thursday and things are up in the air. I have tons of shit to do. I want the house and cars to look nice for him when he returns. I want to feel nice for him when he returns. I am not ready for him to be back yet. So much shit has been going on in my head and I need more time to sort things out without the added distraction of him around again. Yet I miss him and would really love to have him around again for support in certain things. Too many mixed fucking emotions. Someone deliver me a stiff drink!
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Old 05-25-2011, 11:13 AM   #5802
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For me, donating organs is like having a piece of me go off and do something useful (for a change) - make someone else's life better, save a life sort of thing, but then I'm one of those bleeding hearts kinda gals.
The older I get the more my heart bleeds. I realize the fragility and brevity of life and it has changed the way that I see a lot of things. No shame in caring about people. That's why I'm in college. I don't like society as a whole, but I like people in one-on-one situations.
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Old 05-25-2011, 11:25 AM   #5803
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Originally Posted by Mr.Doobie View Post
My girl wanted to try pegging tonight, I couldn't handle it. The moment she started, I was a little third-grader again, my face being pushed into the dirt while that 7th grader ***** me behind the jungle gym. Of course, like a little bitch, I never told anyone because I was scared and confused and I didn't know what had just happened to me. I tried to kill myself by running out into traffic, by cutting my wrists, everyone just thought I was crazy, looking back I probably wasn't trying to die, so much as I was trying to get people to see that SOMETHING WAS WRONG, and when I blew up and threatened to gouge my classmates eyes out with a sharpie marker, they sent me off to some institution because I was crazy and dangerous to the other kids. Yeah, I was crazy. Not the FUCKING BASTARD THAT ***** ME.

I'm rambling, I'm pretty high right now.

But my girlfriend wants to know what's wrong, but I don't want to tell her. I don't want to talk about it with anyone. She knows it happened, along with a couple people, I don't want them to know that it still affects me. This is just stupid, I should just get over it. At least he didn't kill me or something.
Cha, now I feel like an ass for calling you a dumbass and ignoring you.


The only way to deal with bad shit like that in your past is to talk about it with people you trust. I know how hard it is, but being ***** is not your fault, EVER! You have nothing to be ashamed about. There is no 'just getting over it' you just deal with it and understand that you are not the bad person and there is probably nothing you could have done to prevent it. So don't beat yourself up about it the what ifs or why nots. My husband and I went through hell while I was learning to communicate. It's hard talking about that kind of thing, but the more you do it the easier it gets.
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Old 05-25-2011, 01:00 PM   #5804
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Originally Posted by Mr.Doobie View Post
My girl wanted to try pegging tonight, I couldn't handle it. The moment she started, I was a little third-grader again, my face being pushed into the dirt while that 7th grader ***** me behind the jungle gym. Of course, like a little bitch, I never told anyone because I was scared and confused and I didn't know what had just happened to me. I tried to kill myself by running out into traffic, by cutting my wrists, everyone just thought I was crazy, looking back I probably wasn't trying to die, so much as I was trying to get people to see that SOMETHING WAS WRONG, and when I blew up and threatened to gouge my classmates eyes out with a sharpie marker, they sent me off to some institution because I was crazy and dangerous to the other kids. Yeah, I was crazy. Not the FUCKING BASTARD THAT ***** ME.

I'm rambling, I'm pretty high right now.

But my girlfriend wants to know what's wrong, but I don't want to tell her. I don't want to talk about it with anyone. She knows it happened, along with a couple people, I don't want them to know that it still affects me. This is just stupid, I should just get over it. At least he didn't kill me or something.
Its fine that it still affects you, it was traumatic, a terrible thing and there's no one right way to deal with it. You don't have to talk about it with her if you don't want to, you can just say you really weren't into it, but I would recommend calling your local sexual assault crisis center or RAINN (http://www.rainn.org), yeah it happened a long time ago but trust me, they get calls all the time from people still dealing with things that happened years before, it doesn't have to be a "crisis" thing. Its completely anonymous.

Really dude, don't feel bad that it still affects you. I've had old women come up to me and tell me that they were ***** when they were very young, and only in their old age have they ever told a soul.

Also, feel free to pm me.
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Old 05-25-2011, 04:14 PM   #5805
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Its fine that it still affects you, it was traumatic, a terrible thing and there's no one right way to deal with it.
Yeah, that's what people say. But it's incredibly illogical for it to affect me at all, much less at the time. I'm still alive, I'm not crippled for life, there are plenty of people who have things worse off than me, y'know? I just need to stop being such an emotional bitch and ignore it. God I wish I had been smarter.

And y'know? I can't help but feel guilty sometimes, that kid who did it was probably incredibly mentally unwell, because I knew he ***** a couple of the other kids (this was at an after-school program). One day I walked into a bathroom and saw him ****** some girl. If I would've come forward, he could've gotten help. Now my therapist tells me he's probably either dead or in jail, and I could've stopped his life from taking that course. I feel guilty, but I don't want to, because I hate him, and I really, really hope he died horribly, because I haven't seen him since I left the town of my birth. But I feel guilty for wanting him to die horribly.

I know people who were ***** repeatedly, and they have PTSD now. I really shouldn't have any problems.
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Old 05-25-2011, 04:46 PM   #5806
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Emotional trauma takes a long time to deal with and the truth is that it doesn't heal. Emotional scars are life long, they do fade a bit but they don't go away, but you can learn how to cope with them.

I know it feels like you should just be able to put this in your past and move on. I've felt the same way about dealing with my father's passing, it used to really bother me, I thought it was something that so many other people can deal with and be okay but I just couldn't. Then I talked to one of my mother's friends who had lost her father over forty years ago and she let me in on the little secret that nobody really talks about: to this day she still missed him and sometimes even cries. That wasn't even something terrible that was done to her, just a sad part of life. I still cry a few times a month, sometimes it comes out of nowhere and sometimes there is a trigger, but at least now I’m at the point where I can accept those emotions when they well up, put them temporarily out of my mind, and deal with them in an appropriate time and place, and instead of having an emotional breakdown (complete with full on anxiety attack) I just have a good, long cry.

I know your situation is very different and I’m not saying that you need to go about things the way that I did, I just want you to know that you aren’t the only one who has felt guilty or weak for carrying emotional scars.
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Old 05-25-2011, 09:18 PM   #5807
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Tornado sirens are going off...

If I die...just know I loved you all....
WHAT? Where? Nobody tells me anything! Are you ok Vin?
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Old 05-25-2011, 11:50 PM   #5808
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Tornado sirens are going off...

If I die...just know I loved you all....
I know this is rather belated(might as well post this for future reference), but remain calm. If a tornado does hit, one thing to do is to go in a bathtub placing the mattress over it. Try to find as central low location as you can find in the building or house you can live in.

Of course if you have a basement definitely go there, try to avoid sections of the basement that are under heavy structural portions such as a fireplace. A man here last year I think it was died while in the basement due to the fireplace crashing through the floor above the basement, falling onto the man and killing him. He was the only casualty of the tornado fortunately.

Heh as HP can attest I've been in such a situation as yours before vin.

Of course you may know all this already, but it never hurts to spread the word, especially considering this horrible streak of weather we've been having.
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Old 05-25-2011, 11:56 PM   #5809
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Also I'm betting Vin might be in a blackout situation. http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/weather/...in-north-texas
Not exactly the most reassuring headline. Does anyone know her precise location? She'll be in my prayers just in case.

I'm experiencing a rather odd state of calm right now, perhaps its simply from experience, sort of the lucid state you hear people experience when they know how to handle a situation. I'm sure she'll be fine.
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Old 05-26-2011, 09:05 AM   #5810
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Any word on Vin yet?
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Old 05-26-2011, 10:04 AM   #5811
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Yeah, that's what people say. But it's incredibly illogical for it to affect me at all, much less at the time. I'm still alive, I'm not crippled for life, there are plenty of people who have things worse off than me, y'know? I just need to stop being such an emotional bitch and ignore it. God I wish I had been smarter.

And y'know? I can't help but feel guilty sometimes, that kid who did it was probably incredibly mentally unwell, because I knew he ***** a couple of the other kids (this was at an after-school program). One day I walked into a bathroom and saw him ****** some girl. If I would've come forward, he could've gotten help. Now my therapist tells me he's probably either dead or in jail, and I could've stopped his life from taking that course. I feel guilty, but I don't want to, because I hate him, and I really, really hope he died horribly, because I haven't seen him since I left the town of my birth. But I feel guilty for wanting him to die horribly.

I know people who were ***** repeatedly, and they have PTSD now. I really shouldn't have any problems.
What sort of strange logic are you using? You feel the way you feel. Its ok to hate some one who hurt you. When we're children, fear and ignorance lead to us not knowing what to do, and doing the wrong thing, whatever that really is anyway.

Its really easy to berate yourself after the fact, and its even easier for people who've never dealt with this sort of thing to berate you and give you horrible advice.

You will heal when you heal, you'll feel better when you feel better. This is some fucked up shit that happened to you and it will take a long time to heal.

If you ever need to talk or vent about it or anything else, feel free to PM me.
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Old 05-26-2011, 10:17 AM   #5812
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Originally Posted by Mr.Doobie View Post
Yeah, that's what people say. But it's incredibly illogical for it to affect me at all, much less at the time. I'm still alive, I'm not crippled for life, there are plenty of people who have things worse off than me, y'know? I just need to stop being such an emotional bitch and ignore it. God I wish I had been smarter.

And y'know? I can't help but feel guilty sometimes, that kid who did it was probably incredibly mentally unwell, because I knew he ***** a couple of the other kids (this was at an after-school program). One day I walked into a bathroom and saw him ****** some girl. If I would've come forward, he could've gotten help. Now my therapist tells me he's probably either dead or in jail, and I could've stopped his life from taking that course. I feel guilty, but I don't want to, because I hate him, and I really, really hope he died horribly, because I haven't seen him since I left the town of my birth. But I feel guilty for wanting him to die horribly.

I know people who were ***** repeatedly, and they have PTSD now. I really shouldn't have any problems.
Do not try to diminish your own trauma or stress by comparing it to the worse things that others went through. Just because it wasn't happening to you on a daily basis doesn't mean that it wasn't as bad for you as other people's rapes were for them.

I'm sorry I called you a dumbass. I lost patience and said it out of spite. You're not stupid or a dumbass.
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Old 05-26-2011, 10:37 AM   #5813
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Old 05-26-2011, 10:17 PM   #5814
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Yeah, that's what people say. But it's incredibly illogical for it to affect me at all, much less at the time. I'm still alive, I'm not crippled for life, there are plenty of people who have things worse off than me, y'know? I just need to stop being such an emotional bitch and ignore it. God I wish I had been smarter.

And y'know? I can't help but feel guilty sometimes, that kid who did it was probably incredibly mentally unwell, because I knew he ***** a couple of the other kids (this was at an after-school program). One day I walked into a bathroom and saw him ****** some girl. If I would've come forward, he could've gotten help. Now my therapist tells me he's probably either dead or in jail, and I could've stopped his life from taking that course. I feel guilty, but I don't want to, because I hate him, and I really, really hope he died horribly, because I haven't seen him since I left the town of my birth. But I feel guilty for wanting him to die horribly.

I know people who were ***** repeatedly, and they have PTSD now. I really shouldn't have any problems.
You may want to consider doing EMDR.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_mov...d_reprocessing

Dude you are traumatised by the event - anyone would be. To get past it, you need to work through it, not shut up and not talk about it.

I was physically and emotionally abused by my Grade 4 teacher. I had EMDR - the counsellor took me back to that time and spoke to 9 year old self and revisited the events and it was only after this that I realised that it wasn't my fault that it was the stupid teacher who was old enough to know better than to abuse his students.

Small things can cause PTSD. Big things can cause PTSD. Go get help. You think you are dealing with it but you aren't.

If you want to move forward you have to deal with this NOW!!! because it will take you years to work through it.

PM me anytime if you want to talk or rant or let off steam.

Oh yeah and don't feel guilty about the shithead... don't you ever feel guilty about him - it was his choice, his decision.... you can't change other's behaviours, you can only change your own.

You were a kid... Kids don't know about that shit..... don't blame yourself. Get even. Live a wonderful life.
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Old 05-27-2011, 04:01 AM   #5815
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I feel frustrated doing the whole graduate school application, especially the personal statement
"why do you want to study in our university and why do you want to pursue a career in forensic sciences"

- It's the only thing available and I kinda didn't have a choice but to study forensic sciences?

Yea.. they'll be thrilled alright..
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:02 AM   #5816
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*beats the labelling machine maniacally with a spanner * <_<
I imagine you looking quite beautiful as you do this. Something instinctively attractive about a strong woman.
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:02 AM   #5817
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Any word on Vin yet?
She's posting on facebook, I presume she's alive and well.
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Old 05-29-2011, 01:03 PM   #5818
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/whine
my ovaries hurt!!!
/whineoff
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Old 05-29-2011, 01:16 PM   #5819
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/whine
my ovaries hurt!!!
/whineoff
You and me both-__-
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Old 05-29-2011, 01:28 PM   #5820
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Ovaries are a social construct.
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Old 05-29-2011, 03:00 PM   #5821
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Mine's less the ovaries and more the lungs. Bloody cough won't bugger off and leave me in peace * chugs more Benilyn mucus cough *
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Old 05-29-2011, 07:22 PM   #5822
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Tired. Sore. Tired. Grumpy. Tired. Cold. I want to live somewhere warm.
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Old 05-30-2011, 02:35 PM   #5823
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It is miserably hot here, I'll totally trade places.
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Old 05-30-2011, 05:02 PM   #5824
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PJ's sex drive has gone the way of the dodo.
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Old 05-30-2011, 05:06 PM   #5825
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Ovaries are a social construct.
HAH, I read that with the voice of Judith Butler
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You fucking people [war veterans] are only a step below entitled rich kids, the only difference being you had to do and witness horrible things, instead of being given everything.
real classy
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