Not sure if I should pursue this or not

[Melly]

This is a story idea Ive been kind of tweaking at for about a month or so. I'm not sure if it's worth following. I'm not so happy with how it's starting off, so I'm considering scrapping the whole idea. This is the first bit of it.


January the 17th, 2010, Sunday, approx. 3 am
Location – Bedroom
Others – Miriam
I had the nightmare again. God, I just can’t get it out of my head. The flashing lights, the sirens, the smells… the fear. Why are pillows, the soft pillows we trust to keep us comfortable while we sleep, the portals for screaming memories to come through? Always, always, I wake shaking, paler than my white sheets.
White. Constant white. I can never escape the dull colors. White, gray, brown, beige. I guess, in that sense, the nightmares become a dream, a comforting one to remind me there are colors somewhere. The bright red of the lights, the deep, rich, red-black of the blood. Colorful, bright blue fabric on my own body, contrasting very sweetly with the dark blue of New York police outfits. So colorful, even in the dark night of my mind’s eye, it almost hurts physically to looks at the scene.
People say I’ve gone crazy. They ask, why do I react to the memory like I do? Shouldn’t I be crying, feel remorse or guilt? I don’t. It’s said I should. But I should also be in school, should be in a relationship, should stay up late gabbing away with my “best girl friend”, should probably be asleep at this moment. Oh, who can ever sleep in this place? If you do not have nightmares from the time you take your first step into the doors, the never-ending bangs and screams will give them to you.
The sound of heavy, thumping footsteps reaches my ears. My heart pounds and my thoughts shift from the dream to panic. Shifting positions so I’m lying on my front, I grip the pen and the spine of the book so hard my fingertips and knuckles turn white. Knowing that I won’t have time to hide them, I shove both of the contraband items under my pillow. Closing my eyes, I force my breathing to become deep, even and calm, feigning sleep.
The footsteps pause. A light shined onto my face, and I try yet fail to keep from cringing at the sudden brightness. Keeping still and maintaining my breathing, I think I might be caught when the light doesn’t move away. After a few agonizingly long seconds, it shifts away from my face, and I breathe out softly.
Then, I hear the door open.
Keeping the flow of air even and deep, I hope I can fool the guard coming in to check on us. The footsteps move, getting closer and closer. Expecting to feel a tickle on the bottom of my foot, I prepare myself for the force feeding of sleeping pills that is no doubt in my near future. But the sensation never comes.
Cracking my eyes open slightly, I’m treated to the sight of a rather large bottom in dark blue pants. In a matter of milliseconds, my emotions shift from relieved that I wasn’t being checked on to confusion as to why the guard is in here then to fear, as I answer my own question. It’s Guard Yates. And if he’s in here, that means he’s chosen Miriam as his next “test subject”.
“Hello, my sweet Miriam.” I hear her gasp as she wakes up to find a no doubt unshaven, overly-excited face directly above her. “You’re next.” The soft sound of flesh on flesh, a whimper from the girl, pounding footsteps leaving the room. Then, silence. I sigh and open my eyes completely to find Miriam crying into her pillow.
“Miriam, relax, he’s gone. He’s not coming back.” I try in vain to sooth her from across the room. Deciding our friendship meant more to me than keeping warm, if you can call the feeling of being covered by flimsy sheets in this cavernous building “warm”, I lower myself out of bed and take two short steps over to Miriam’s bed, crouching down next to it. Miriam was older than me, by almost two years. However, I was, medically speaking, the more mature of us. She was “mentally dwarfed”, according to the record, as a result of what caused her to live here in the first place. More often than not, I acted like an elder sister to Miriam, but I didn’t believe Miriam was as dumb as others made her out to be. She simply couldn’t express herself well.
“Dinah, he, he, he gonna get me. He - he gonna be a bad person, like like like like,” the girl quaked with terror. Miriam’s fear was causing her to have more trouble than usual speaking. But I understood what she was talking about. Placing a comforting hand on her pale, boney back, I rubbed small circles into the crevice between her protruding shoulder blades and shushed her.
“He is a very bad man, but he will not hurt you. I promise you, he will not. And if no one will listen to me and stop him, I will make sure he doesn’t myself.” Miriam turned her head out of her pillow. The milky blue left eye, devoid of sight since the girl’s birth, and the clean brown right eye, both bloodshot, shined with tears as they looked out at me. “I promise, I will keep you safe.”
“Promise, kitten?” I gave Miriam a gentle smile and nodded. My name, Dinah, reminded her of the old children’s book by Lewis Carroll. She had decided to call me kitten because not only was the name the same, but my short, red hair stuck up like fur no matter what anyone did to it. Meowing in response and nuzzling again Miriam’s face. I let her stroke and pat my head as if I was indeed a feline. Miriam laughed softly and, removing her hand from my head, I looked up to find her eyes drying and her face calm once again. I gave her a kiss goodnight on the forehead and stood up from my crouching position.
Catching sight of my toes, which were now numb and turning blue, I hurried to my bed and began to climb in. I wished my socks were with me, but they had to be washed. We were going to be allowed outside tomorrow, so everyone needed warm feet. Settling in under the blanket, I tried warming my toes against my calves, only resulting in freezing my legs as well. Reaching back under my pillow, I pulled out my marble book again and flipped through the pages to where I had been writing before the guard had come in. Abandoning the last train of thought, I wrote instead of poor Miriam and tried to devise ways of keeping her safe from the “tests”. I kept the new entry brief because I knew the night was growing old and, before long, it’d be time to wake up and dress from breakfast.
I finished the sentence and, feeling my eyes growing heavier, I turned to the head of my bed so I could hide the book and pen away. Pulling free a loose cinder brick, I placed the book and pen in and slid the brick back into place before allowing myself to relax.
Snuggling under the covers once more, this time honestly ready to sleep, I look up the cracking ceiling, watching words and pictures form as I feel myself falling into the back of my head, sleeping grabbing hold of my and pulling me down. As my eyes begin to close, I see a bird with his beak in a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. I know it’s not really there, but the image makes me laugh anyway.
“Wish me luck you drunken bird.” With a large yawn, I closed my eyes and settle into a very deep sleep, hearing the sirens yet again before I have even fully left the conscious world behind.

eeeeek, I didn't realize it was so long, sorry! Hope you enjoyed it at least a little bit. Criticism and comments/suggestions are welcomed and greatly appreciated!

[Admiral_Happypants]

What do you not like about it?

[Melly]

I don't know, something about the way the writing is going, it feels like it's really.. I guess juvenile is the word. Like there's not much substance to it. That might just be I'm getting off to a slow start but I feel like this is on par with my writing from when I was 14 or 15, not my current level.

[lady_cthulhu]

Go for it! There are no bad concepts, only bad execution, and I'd say you've got THAT part down.

[Melly]

Originally Posted by lady_cthulhu

Go for it! There are no bad concepts, only bad execution, and I'd say you've got THAT part down.

At first I read this and thought "so wait, I'm good at bad executions?" Lol

[allyssa]

I think it starts out really beautifully and gripping but when you get to the miriam part, I think it is how you flesh out her character, she is too juvenile
she needs more quirks, she seems really phony.

[Melly]

That could be it. I'm really satisfied with the journal and the first bit where she's pretending to sleep but as it goes on towards the end I feel like it kinda falters. Maybe it is what I'm doing with Miriam. I'll have to play with her more. Thank you!

[lady_cthulhu]

@Melly
-lol, I suppose what I said could be interpreted that way, but don't worry that's not what I meant. And don't worry too much about making it 'perfect' the first time through - you'll iron out the things you don't like during your editing passes (my book went through 6 editing passes/rewrites before being deemed ready for publication). Right now, just concentrate on getting that rough draft done.

[Apathy's_Child]

I found it overly wordy and melodramatic. Less is more - the horror speaks for itself without repetition and putting "God" at the start of the line.

I liked this line: "Why are pillows, the soft pillows we trust to keep us comfortable while we sleep, the portals for screaming memories to come through?", but thought the repetition diminished the impact. With passages about pain & anguish, I find it helps to keep the prose as tight and minimal as possible, to avoid sounding angsty.

[Melly]

Lol, yeah, I'm just ridiculously hard on myself. Also I worry a LOT about the first impression of anything I write because one of my pieces almost got me expelled from school. So now I fret over making it as presentable as possible. Was your book published in the end?


@Apathy, that's actually something I did intend to have. I want her to be almost the stereotypical emo type of woman. At least right now I do. If things go as I've kinda of drafted them to, the character ends up really hardened and cold and quiet, and the best way I could see to make that change evident is by making her really whiny and verbose at the start.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Melly

@Apathy, that's actually something I did intend to have. I want her to be almost the stereotypical emo type of woman. At least right now I do. If things go as I've kinda of drafted them to, the character ends up really hardened and cold and quiet, and the best way I could see to make that change evident is by making her really whiny and verbose at the start.

Fair enough, but even so, that puts me off reading it. For example, a better approach with the same effect would be to give her more memories of her life before, which fade as she starts to really occupy the sterile environment she's in.

It's kind of like consciously using cliche - just because you're AWARE that you're using it, doesn't make it good and there's always a better way to get your point across.

I'm probably sounding overly harsh. At this point, it does sound worth pursuing, and I'd like to know where it goes. However, those were the negatives that stood out to me on reading it.

[Melly]

Not harsh at all. I'm not one to get overly sensitive with critiques and comments as long as they're constructive, which yours are. You might have a point, I never considered putting in more of her past memories.

Granted, this is still a rough draft and on the hard copy there's notes all over the margins and on separate pages to try and make the overall story better. I like your idea of using memories to show the difference between her at the start and her at the end, maybe there's a way to work it in that I just haven't realized yet

[Apathy's_Child]

Yeah, I think if you want to annoy the reader, use the characterization rather than the prose to do so. I often stop reading if I think prose is badly written.

What's te deal with the facility - or would you rather keep that back until you finish the next installment?

[lady_cthulhu]

@Melly
-Apathy has some good suggestions, but remember you will not be able to please every single person who reads this, and there is little point in attempting to do so. Everyone has different tastes, and what appears angsty to one person is absolutely heart-rending to another. Each author has their own unique voice, and that is what makes their work special.

'Cliches' don't really exist - what is tried and overdone with one group is new and fresh to another, so don't worry too much about them. Ask around enough and you'll find that everything's 'cliche'.

That's not to say that you should ignore advice concerning them, but if you worry too much about it you'll lose your flow. Just write what you have to say. There's only seven plot-lines in existence anyway; it's all been done before. So just let your work meet your goals. If you want to entertain, entertain, if you want to educate, educate, etc. etc. etc.

[Apathy's_Child]

Flow is less important than crafting. Even the Beats, who had a giant collective hard-on for the idea of it, edited their work. They just denied it.

[lady_cthulhu]

Well sure, you've got to edit! She'll get it tightened up, it's still very raw... But let her finish first Editing comes later.

Melly, I wish you the best of luck. Finish up that manuscript! And a final word of advice - if you want to write something, just write it. Never ask if you should, just do it. If it's a little manky, it will get fixed, that's what editors are for. You'll probably self-edit several times before an editor sees it anyway.

[Melly]

I'm keeping that bit of information to myself for now =) if I keep this up I'll post more installments as I go on and you'll get the answer to that.

lady, I'm for sure not looking to please everyone. I asked for suggestions and I liked Apathy's idea. I think it's worth looking into and trying out. I know what I want to present with the story and with my characters. I won't lose myself to anyone's ideas, especially not with my writing.
What I really like and what I think I'll do with his idea is A - it helps me find some good and interesting ways to show what her life what like, what she was like, before she ended up in her current situation. And B - it'll further show her drifting away from her past to fully change into who and what she is now. I'll probably keep her angsty, emo and overly wordy, especially with her journal entries. I use this idea of her memories as a secondary way to give some exposure, so that it's not all SOULY based on her journals.

[Melly]

Apathy, I really disagree with that. You write a bunch out and stick with the flow and then you go back and edit and work on it. If all you do is try to edit, you lose a lot of the feelings behind what you're saying.

And I asked specifically about this piece because I have another story I'm working on that I'm much further into. But I was looking at it too long and it was driving me insane so I started trying to follow this idea. I wasn't sure if it was a decent enough idea to keep on or if I should scrap it and return to my other project. Thank you very much for your wishes though =D

[lady_cthulhu]

That's all a person can ask for.
Apathy knows his stuff - my main concern was that you continue to write it as yourself. I've seen a lot of writers struggle with that, so sorry if I got carried away (Apathy, that apology is directed at you as well). I did enjoy the work very much, even in this rough form. I hope you will finish it.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by lady_cthulhu

Well sure, you've got to edit! She'll get it tightened up, it's still very raw... But let her finish first Editing comes later.

Taking note of where you're going wrong will only make the next installments better, and I'm of the mind that editing is almost as much an art as writing itself. It's really not that stifling - it's as much about where you want to go as plotting is.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by lady_cthulhu

Apathy knows his stuff - my main concern was that you continue to write it as yourself. I've seen a lot of writers struggle with that, so sorry if I got carried away (Apathy, that apology is directed at you as well)

Hey, no need to apologize. I just assume anyone writing has the creative impetus - the next step is the tools to realize it in a way that you won't look back on & cringe, which I say as someone who's done my fair share of self-flagellation over stuff that sounded great in my head.

hard fact is, if you're writing to be GOOD and not just to clear your head, prose style is just as important as the ideas it's delivering.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Melly

Apathy, I really disagree with that. You write a bunch out and stick with the flow and then you go back and edit and work on it. If all you do is try to edit, you lose a lot of the feelings behind what you're saying.

But it's not a dichotomy. They go hand in hand. Your prose is a functionary of the idea, so if it's less than it should be, it drags the idea down with it. That's exactly why a perfectly-turned phrase gives you the shivers.

[Melly]

I'll keep writing as myself, no worries =)

Apathy, you really do know your stuff. You're right, it has to be edited and worked on and picked at and you have to really WORK at making things good enough for publication. Having the natural talent isn't enough. I like that you pointed out things you didn't like. I can't please everyone, but most input can only be used to help things get better.

And honestly, I probably don't have all the tools, not right now anyway. I've never gotten any formal training with my writing, so a lot of it is just home teaching.

[Melly]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

But it's not a dichotomy. They go hand in hand. Your prose is a functionary of the idea, so if it's less than it should be, it drags the idea down with it. That's exactly why a perfectly-turned phrase gives you the shivers.

I understand, but I think that the finished product needs to show ideas and tools going hand and hand to make a really well crafted story. But this is a rough draft, it doesn't need to be perfectly crafted yet.