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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

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Old 10-31-2008, 02:59 PM   #1
emogamer
 
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My first poem

ok I wrote this poem a little while ago, but haven't wrote any poems scince then...here is the poem
Hatred
give the hated pain, make them bleed
they must go away, never to be seen again
as for the haters, the need not be punished
for they have done nothing wrong
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Old 10-31-2008, 03:01 PM   #2
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Don't quit school.
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Old 10-31-2008, 03:04 PM   #3
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wtf...when did I say I was going to quit school?... I know it doesn't have good grammer, but...still
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Old 10-31-2008, 03:05 PM   #4
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Well, it could use a bit of work...
I suggest you make it less wordy and use more imagery.
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Old 10-31-2008, 03:08 PM   #5
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You didn't say it.

I don't criticize with contempt very often, so you must understand that for me that was the "lowest" I have ever gone in terms of negative criticism.

OK, here is something more constructive:

Take the emotion, the hatred and the violence and express it symbolically.
What you have written here comes across as very simple.

Symbolism makes it more...entertaining.
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Old 10-31-2008, 03:08 PM   #6
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Less wordy?! It only has 31 words! The problem isn't that it's wordy, it's that you chose those specific words, and you chose them for a specific reason, and both selection processes are flawed.
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Old 10-31-2008, 03:11 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HumanePain
You didn't say it.

I don't criticize with contempt very often, so you must understand that for me that was the "lowest" I have ever gone in terms of negative criticism.

OK, here is something more constructive:

Take the emotion, the hatred and the violence and express it symbolically.
What you have written here comes across as very simple.

Symbolism makes it more...entertaining.
Ah, that's what I meant.
Thanks for using better words. Haha.
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Old 10-31-2008, 03:13 PM   #8
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hmm...ok...I'll work on it...well that was my first poem I ever wrote so I wanted feedback on what specific things that needed to be fixed
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Old 10-31-2008, 03:54 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emogamer
scince

Hatred
give the hated pain, make them bleed
they must go away, never to be seen again
as for the haters, the need not be punished
for they have done nothing wrong
"Scince" is spelled "since".

Sorry, but that sounded terribly "emo-ish".
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Old 10-31-2008, 03:56 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JCC
Less wordy?! It only has 31 words! The problem isn't that it's wordy, it's that you chose those specific words, and you chose them for a specific reason, and both selection processes are flawed.
I second that.
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Old 10-31-2008, 04:53 PM   #11
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Dude!
WHAT
THE
FUCK
are you saying with that 'poem'?!

Punish the hated; make them bleed.
The haters have done nothing wrong, let them keep hating.


Did you honestly want to say that or are you not even paying attention to what you write?
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Old 10-31-2008, 04:58 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian
Dude!
WHAT
THE
FUCK
are you saying with that 'poem'?!

Punish the hated; make them bleed.
The haters have done nothing wrong, let them keep hating.


Did you honestly want to say that or are you not even paying attention to what you write?
What he was trying to say was with a two fold perspective:

The Hated
and
Those who hate them (the Haters)

two sides of the same coin. Almost Manichean except he used hate on both sides. It could have been great but for his limited vocabulary and lack of imagery.
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