The Voices Inside

Dancing_in_rain · 06-14-2007, 08:02 PM

Well...this is one of those things that sounds better when presented in the way it's meant to be. But I guess you might get the same sort of feeling if you read it...ish. Perhaps I'll figure out some way to record my voice "acting it out". Just think tormented when you read it. That's the point.

The Voices Inside My Head

I hear them, I hear them, the noises, the cries, the sounds all around me. I lie in bed in silence, letting the abstractness fill my ear drums and then I hear them again. I am in silence and then they come again. I am never in peace. I hear their tortured voices, their noxious stories, the tales they tell without relent. My heart beats louder and louder, stronger and stronger, thud, thud, echoing in my hollow chest, trying to block out the voices that whisper in my ears. And I tell myself it’s just a nightmare, that I’ll wake up and never hear them again, that they’ll be gone and they’ll never come back, I try and fool myself into believing it, but I know it’s just a lie.

They’re always here. They never leave me and never will. I blast music in my ears, trying to smother their indignant cries but they ignore my attempts, they just keep on coming, never ceasing. They chatter and screech like crows, demanding attention, refusing to be relegated to a corner. Oh, the noise, the noise, I hear it, I hear it, it never goes away. I hear the voices from everywhere, they are never quiet. They talk and sing, they shriek and hum, they don’t stop, never stop, always there. The voices, the voices, the voices, they are haunting me. I must listen and when they demand an answer, I talk into space and others look at me and sigh. And I dare not reveal that the speakers are invisible, that I hear them talking, talking, talking.

Like a martyr, shall I be burnt for hearing the whispering and taunting voices inside my head, the ones that tell me I do not deserve to live? The patter of little feet, the shrill giggles, the sounds, the sounds, they haunt me, they follow me everywhere. If only I could free myself of these life-sapping voices, of these parasitical souls that haunt me. I say it in bitter jest that I hear voices but in reality, they are truly there, flitting around my brain, filling my ears with their endless clamour. The others wonder about my sanity, worry that I’m going slightly off, that I’m getting ill. But it’s not a sickness, it’s not a disease, for you see, it cannot be cured. These voices that whisper in my head, they stay, always. The noises, the voices, I hear
them, I hear them. They never go away.

So. Please do comment. Again, it sounds better when recited in the way it's meant to be done.

Aaroneet · 06-15-2007, 05:51 AM

You have a haunting feel to your writing. Tell me, and I ask this often of anybody, what inspired you to write this?

Dancing_in_rain · 06-15-2007, 11:34 AM

What inspired me to write this? The truth. Reality. I really do hear voices, but it's pretty rare for them to be as extreme as in this text. But yes, I am haunted by voices. I'll hear laughter when I'm all alone, think people are calling me, etc. Sometimes it's really bad, other times it isn't. Also, inanimate objects sometimes "talk" to me. Don't send me to a psychiatrist. They don't believe me. Make of this whatever you will. I'm not lying.

Aaroneet · 06-15-2007, 02:14 PM

I don't think that you are lying at all. I hear echoes of people calling my name right before I go to sleep, so I just might know what you are talking about.

Dancing_in_rain · 06-16-2007, 11:33 AM

I didn't want to sound condescending or anything in my previous post and I'm sorry if you took offense to it. I'm simply tired of people telling me that it's ridiculous that I hear voices and so on.

Aaroneet · 06-16-2007, 11:43 AM

You weren't condescending at all. I know how it feels like to be told that something's rediculous. No harm done.

Ishan · 06-16-2007, 04:33 PM

Dancing In Rain ....

I shan't comment directly by posting replies, yet I shall speak directly to the story you tell. The tale that you craft is a reality you can't escape; and should it please, your voices may begin to speak in languages you do not know. When that happens, you will understand them, or at least the feelings they bring to you.

It is frightening to "hear" these voices. I feel them all of the time, and Ishan is among them ... the bringer of death, who spares those who are not of death.

It is difficult to reconcile the darkness that exists in all of us ... most among us deny the urges, the passions and the pains that are integral facets of our complete being. The Existentialist would argue a philosophy both peculiar and incomplete; the Evangelist would purport to cry evil; the Naturalist would be obscene.

The Goths are unique, and sometimes violent. We must - we discover - surrender to the urges that drive us. Failure to do so results in an insanity that shall undermine the very life we seek to enjoy. And when that happens, we become more outcast than ever!

Understand the passions and pleasures and fears and needs of the "voices" - they are real voices, to be sure. They manifest in me in varying ways, including being able to speak, as though I am a vessel and vassal for their teachings and pleadings.

I have been in darkness, and from there I recognized light. I have been compelled to surrender to my base nature, and learned to be civil. I am slowly acknowledging my weaknesses, and from them I am discoverying new power!

May your journey be as exciting.

mindless1 · 06-16-2007, 06:44 PM

Your response to me is very inspiring. I once thought that I could battle these voices...once just paranoid delusions. But when you believe things that aren't real, like that the government is spying on you...then you have to recognize it as a brain disorder. I think that if I had more support and more people with mental illness had the support they deserved, that there'd be more coming to terms with the things that frighten us and reason and sense would be more available to us by other means, like alternatives.

Sometimes things aren't always what they seem. I know that my voices have resulted due to extreme stresses and mental illness, people turning their backs on you because you are ill...being left behind with yourself, when you are alone sometimes these voices come like a response to try to assail you/ or at least me. Voices come as a defense against the cruelties others inflict. I hear advice...in the form of voices because I lack advice from role models maybe, but they also started about a year after I had discontinued medication. Now...they are gone practically because I have been brought back to normal almost involentarily because of paranoia.

I know this is putting myself out in the open by expressing something like this.
I feel it is something that is so misunderstood that people need to talk about it, even if it's not the "norm" to talk openly about a mental illness. It's a part of life and affects your individuality and even your own personality. If more people could say things then less misunderstandings would exist. I dont care if people call me crazy, because if I'm crazy, then everyone else must be sane. wrong or right- these are my opinions.

mindless1 · 06-16-2007, 06:47 PM

I read your poem thoroughly and admit that it is a very insightful read. The words and metaphors that you use are used creatively but it isn't too wordy. I also find that I can relate to this piece a lot. The metaphors coincide with the way they feel to me. Your rhyming is incredible! I have a write that is sort of similar, which i wrote when i was feeling on the edge of my wits. I might post it here if I feel people would like it. Thanks for sharing this because I really enjoyed reading it.

Dancing_in_rain · 06-16-2007, 06:55 PM

Ishan, Mindless, I greatly appreciate you both taking the time to write such long responses. I consider these voices that I hear as a number of things. They have many facets.
a) They have been warnings. They have warned me of a danger or imminent problem before.
b) They have mocked me. I have found these voices to be jeering, laughing at me, etc.
c) They have been consoling. Once, I had a huge spat with my friend and believe it or not, I do think these voices soothed me.
d) They have been haunting. These voices have prevented me from sleeping, given me nightmares and made me paranoid before.

I honestly think that these voices that I hear are often reflections of my subconscious. Though the voices I hear have driven me to self-injury once before, they have also saved me from tempting bottles of pills. I'm not going to go one, because I think I'm going to ramble ineffectively for a long time without really saying anything. Just remember, those of you who hear voices, they can be a blessing in disguise. Do not shun what is part of yourself. Learn to live with the voices, do not battle them. Things will work out.

FireAndIce · 06-18-2007, 09:15 AM

...I admire your courage to talk about the voices....most people think you just made up that you hear something and that´s it...I was in constant torture...couldn´t sleep, couldn´t move, couldn´t eat, couldn´t think...nothing...they were there every damn second telling me I was the main evil of the world...there are no words...I can´t talk to anyone about it openly...they hear "I hear voices..." - give me pills. no one cares about the pain, it´s just technical problem that I am convinced I hear them...I have many "crazy" friends but we are more sane than any of those who ignore the depths, are not aware of the forces of soul, the suffering and pain...in fact I had to learn to ignore their pain to survive and I hate myself for that...one villain said: Ignorance is bliss...only ignorat people can stay in "paradise"...in the moment you realize others torture, you can´t be divinely happy and bilssfull...

I am considered cured, no voices, I study uni, I can cook and ride a bike...and I am still haunted they are just waiting to come back in the right moment...

I was thinking to write a play...don´t know the plot, know the scene...
stage parted with wall, first just 20% on right and rest of space left. left is the real world right is the soul...behind the wall of soul are demons red and black, with sharp teeth and bloody eyes(have anyone seen the fantasy Legend with Tom Cruise? like the top demon)...they talk in permanent, loud, wicked whisper, there is fire and bloody flames and barb wire around everywhere there are cries and shouts of tortured souls and girl´s soul on the poster in the same appearance as those devils...they say awful things. on the wall facing the real world is the girl, with back on the wall...the real world acts as there is no soul...they talk about buying milk and bad school results, about TV programme, quarrel about trivia...she tells them what´s going on...they bring a shrink...makes prescription, gives electroconvulsions, lock her in a bed...and the demon-soul wall progresses...finally there is no real world...she is consumed and lives in the torture chamber with demons tearing her to pieces...I am sorry, I have no talent for writing...this is only a visualization...

Ishan · 06-18-2007, 10:01 AM

Dancing In Rain and FireAndIce,

Thank you both ... your courage to discuss voices and their impact upon you has helped me to become open about my own inner sanctum. I desperately want to keep this dialog continuing because I think it is important for all of us to compare "notes" about what is happening. The very fact we are not alone in our experiences is encouraging as a start, but know what is shared and what is isolated experience will help also.

The voice I hear actually takes control of me and speaks aloud through me ... it speaks in a very old dialect of Portuguese. When I first heard it, it was only in my head; as time continued it has manifest itself as a genuine voice ... deep and resonant, not always understood.

From him I learned the name Ishan ... which, when I researched it online, turned out to be a real name. That encouraged me, in as much as I was not "imagining" him.

I do have two distinct personas dwelling inside, and a third that observes everything - and I too have been handed bottles of pills to "resolve" this dilemma. The pills are unnecessary.

People who want to brush aside the issue in favor of their doctoral understanding are not true teachers, students or humanitarians. They are capitalists. That is unfortunate.

I know I am not schizophrenic or bi-polar or any of the other so-called "Axis I, II or III" mental disorders. In fact, I am quite sane. If I was not, I would not be in the position in life I am in.

My sanity, however, does not come just from me. It is derived only by a desire to be sane, which is then encouraged, influenced and guided by the gods and goddesses I follow - I'm Pagan, in case you hadn't guessed. These provide strength and insight, and they also help me to keep perspective. It is so easy for me to become overly egocentric, selfish or paranoid.

Without the voices, I would not recognize danger, whether the danger originate with me or someone else. Without Ishan, I may not be alive today.

Dancing_in_rain · 06-18-2007, 10:10 AM

Ishan, I, like you, am perfectly willing to keep this thread going, if it will help us people who "hear voices" deal with it better. Feel free to rant to me if you want to. I'll listen and do my best to help. You can e-mail me dancing_crimson_tears@ hot mail . com or at solo_phantom_dancer@ hot mail. com

FireAndIce · 06-18-2007, 10:39 AM

you are so brave, all of you....my friends are anorextic, ortorexic, self-injuring, schizophrenic...I have read a introductory treatsy of Karl Jaspers, a philosopher...he says that only children and "insane" see the truth...he didn´t analyze it, he just suggested it...I have learnt that the depressives KNOW the world is based on pain and ignorance...but are cured to ibe apathic to it...schizophrenic communicate with such deep levels of consciousness that are unable to be involved in "real world"...they KNOW the inner world is much much bigger and important to explore than "sanes"...so they put amperes and volts to them...the paranoics see the manipulation of the relationships in the world SO clear and SO bright they must be locked up...in fact, they all are prophets, not in the ancient way, but they highlight the things normals don´t care about...they have the gift of superior knowledge but are locked in flesh, that cannot bare the truth...I wish I wouldn´t sound cruel and be more empathic, I wish I could help as I got trough all of this... If I can help anyone anyhow, please let me know...there is also my e-mail and icq no....

in Alice behind the lookingglass by L.Carrol is my favorite part....

'No, I shouldn't,' said Alice, surprised into contradicting her
at last: 'a hill CAN'T be a valley, you know. That would be
nonsense--'

The Red Queen shook her head, 'You may call it "nonsense" if
you like,' she said, 'but I'VE heard nonsense, compared with
which that would be as sensible as a dictionary!'

Blood blossoms · 06-18-2007, 03:48 PM

Dancing_in_rain - I'm glad you decided to accept the voices. My father is a doctor and firmly rooted in scientific explanations, but I've always considered that there might be more than meets the eye in this universe, and here's an example of that.

I'm sorry if this scares you, but the first thing that came to my mind was that the voices represented demon-like figures. I'm not sure if I believe in demons or not, but it was just a thought. The voices might be more inner demons than outer demons, but I don't know.

A more positive possibility, like you mentioned, is that you just have a gift. I remember reading about how certain Native American tribes honored all types of "different" people much higher than the "regular" folk. I'm more inclined to go with this - even if the voices can be painful, I think you've been blessed to be able to hear them. Still, I really hope they don't ever drive you to do something bad to yourself....

As for people looking at you and sighing, well, forget about them. They just don't get it.

Yep. Oh. And nice piece of writing. Some of it seemed rushed and had run-on sentences, but that ends up adding to the story's frantic pace.

FireAndIce · 06-19-2007, 01:11 PM

...this is an answer for your reply in "Yet another" thread...I think it suits more here...what tells me you suffer? and don´t you? the voices and nightmares...the self-injuries...tempts and attempts??? I do not say it is not normal, because suffering is the most natural thing in the world...your question surprised me...

my friend has a motto: I don´t suffer from insanity - I enjoy every moment of it...but I have never met a person with such a problem without extraordinary inner pain...but maybe my deduction skills have failed, dear Watson

mindless1 · 06-20-2007, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FireAndIce

...I admire your courage to talk about the voices....most people think you just made up that you hear something and that´s it...I was in constant torture...couldn´t sleep, couldn´t move, couldn´t eat, couldn´t think...nothing...they were there every damn second telling me I was the main evil of the world...there are no words...I can´t talk to anyone about it openly...they hear "I hear voices..." - give me pills. no one cares about the pain, it´s just technical problem that I am convinced I hear them...I have many "crazy" friends but we are more sane than any of those who ignore the depths, are not aware of the forces of soul, the suffering and pain...in fact I had to learn to ignore their pain to survive and I hate myself for that...one villain said: Ignorance is bliss...only ignorat people can stay in "paradise"...in the moment you realize others torture, you can´t be divinely happy and bilssfull...

I am considered cured, no voices, I study uni, I can cook and ride a bike...and I am still haunted they are just waiting to come back in the right moment...

I was thinking to write a play...don´t know the plot, know the scene...
stage parted with wall, first just 20% on right and rest of space left. left is the real world right is the soul...behind the wall of soul are demons red and black, with sharp teeth and bloody eyes(have anyone seen the fantasy Legend with Tom Cruise? like the top demon)...they talk in permanent, loud, wicked whisper, there is fire and bloody flames and barb wire around everywhere there are cries and shouts of tortured souls and girl´s soul on the poster in the same appearance as those devils...they say awful things. on the wall facing the real world is the girl, with back on the wall...the real world acts as there is no soul...they talk about buying milk and bad school results, about TV programme, quarrel about trivia...she tells them what´s going on...they bring a shrink...makes prescription, gives electroconvulsions, lock her in a bed...and the demon-soul wall progresses...finally there is no real world...she is consumed and lives in the torture chamber with demons tearing her to pieces...I am sorry, I have no talent for writing...this is only a visualization...

Oh wow. Your visualization comes close to how I've felt with them. I was taking a prescription that gave me convulsions and worsened the voices but the doctor only saw i was so sedated he didn't notice how worse I was getting. At night I felt that a demon was clawing at me, i would actually feel it picking apart inside my head. Would make a good horror movie.
But I got myself off the meds. I think you seem to have the imaginative spark of a good author. You should write about your ideas.
....ugh, I think too much.

Ishan · 06-26-2007, 08:18 PM

Today was a tough day ... and the rage inside spawned more of the chatter that emerges when I feel confused, irritated or "boxed in". So frequently, when there are unseen alternatives, it feels as though there is no intelligent way to maneuver; when that happens, I become enraged and that damned voice begins to speak aloud. Tucian ... hola. I do not know how it happened, but it only began with me about five years ago ... I am curious to know if anyone here remembers the days when there were no other voices, inside or otherwise.

Aaroneet · 06-27-2007, 07:04 AM

It seems that there are always voices, each representative of a persons' different aspects. They're present in everyone, although they can be very dangerous if you don't learn to "make peace" with them, as Dancing_in_Rain said. My uncle learned that the hard way. He was a schizophrenic who forgot to take his medication. His uncontrolled and unsettled voices eventually led him to jump off the side of his apartment building.

Ishan · 06-27-2007, 08:04 AM

It is sad when we are overcome by the various facets of our personality, or the vapor of previous incarnations (I believe strongly in that). Making peace, or at least acknowledging the presence, is one means of gaining some measure of "sanity". I doubt, however, I shall ever be fully sane. Reasonable in a crisis, maybe - sane - we'll see.

Aaroneet · 06-27-2007, 08:08 AM

Nobody really ever is. We can only find solace, never sanity. And hope that it alone gives us reason to appreciate life, and, as the adage goes, "put our best foot forward". I often look to A TALE OF TWO CITIES as the handbook of how to turn your life around, and a sign that it is possible. As for making peace with your inner voices, anything is possible. As Toni Morrison once wrote, "If you surrender to the air, then you can ride it."

Ishan · 06-27-2007, 08:14 AM

Curious ... it is a far, far better thing that I do ...

Ishan · 06-27-2007, 08:16 AM

I prefer another quote from Dickens, two quotes from two stories, David Copperfield and Bleak House. Each proffers the hope that better men that we have suffered and overcome the same human travails:

"Whether I shall become the hero of my own life remains to be seen", and

"It is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations".

So ... with these in mind, shall we achieve a collaboration with the voices? Having done so, does it provide us the insight and compassion needed to tolerate those who have not?

Aaroneet · 06-27-2007, 08:38 AM

I think it does. The reason I've been able to write as well as I do is that I awakened that side within me; I've awakened that aspect of my subconscious, if you will. I remember envisioning a proverbial chest shut tightly; inside were all of my repressed feelings. I let them escape; my hand shook and I couldn't control my incessant crying-fits. But it gave me insight that I can't really explain; it's almost as though I write vicariously at points; I am able to tell when someone's suffering within. And it's rewarded me. It's led to tears, both of joy and misery; I'll give you that. But socially and internally, doors have opened to me that I never thought existed within such a simplistic creature. It's within all of us to do as much; it's a constant battle, but you will be changed forever, and rewarded for it.