The Thinning of the Veil

[triggerhappi26]

Wander Here
Traverse Near
Faerie Friend or Faerie Foe
Into the ring you must go;

One night I was awoken by a flute melody
I arose to find what it could be
Sound floated on the breeze from the window
I pulled on my shoes and was ready to go

In the cool night not a thing looked out of place
Yet still I searched just in case
The music guided me into the shadowy wood
I knew to go back like a sane person should

Still curious I could not return to my bed
So into the dark forest I began to head
A whisper on the wind seemed to beckon me near
Just as the trees began to clear

There in a wondrous dance of light and spring
Were Fae together in a Faerie Ring
I stood aghast not able to believe my eyes
They sparkled so like the stars in the skies

I stumbled forward into the midst of them all
And then to my knees I did fall
With an unspoken giggle they helped me up
Then handed me wine in a shining cup

The celebration began merrily once more
I moved in a way I never had before
Faster we spun and faster still
Until I thought I had my fill

Though try as I might to stop my dance
My body was trapped in a trance
I will spin until the world grows old
In the ring behind the veil's fold

Wander Here
Traverse Near
Faerie Friend or Faerie Foe
Into the ring you must go;

[Frenn]

I love poetry written with a solid rhyming scheme.

The only thing I would have to say is that there seemed to be a good meter and flow going, but (imo) it kinda threw me off when I lost it.
I do think it would be interesting to here this put to music though. Would give me warm-n-metered-fuzzy feelings.

[Underwater Ophelia]

It's not great. The rhythm is forced and clumsy, and many of the lines are just silly. "With an unspoken giggle" is one of these. You would never say "with a spoken giggle" so "unspoken giggle" doesn't make sense.

[triggerhappi26]

I don't seek your approval.

[triggerhappi26]

I should however explain Fae don't speak "an unspoken giggle" is that there was a laugh when none had spoken.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by triggerhappi26

I should however explain Fae don't speak "an unspoken giggle" is that there was a laugh when none had spoken.

That doesn't make sense.

[triggerhappi26]

it's Faeries it doesn't have to make sense.

[Saya]

Generally when you post work here people will give criticism and points on how to improve. I do agree that the rhyming does sound forced and unspoken giggle to me made me think that there was no giggle? Anyway, I know its about being spirited away but I can't help think that once finished it would go nicely with some illustrations and be a picture book.

[triggerhappi26]

I was expecting some hate messages so that's fine, just trying to test the waters.

The purpose is I'm trying to scrape together some new poems to add to an old story called Tales of the Fae, I finished one of the stories I mentioned in the "What are you Writing" Thread, I want to edit this story along with Tales of the Fae, and submit them to publishing together, in a way it's meant to work as a behind the scenes sort of thing of the story I finished.

I'll keep in mind this poem needs more work.

[Underwater Ophelia]

My message isn't a "hate message," and being overly dramatic when you receive criticism isn't going to help you improve.

[triggerhappi26]

I didn't think I was being dramatic. But I will keep that in mind.

[triggerhappi26]

Underwater Ophelia have you ever heard the song Dear Ophelia by Abney Park?

I've been wondering this awhile.

It's a darkwave/steampunk letter from Hamlet to Ophelia.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by triggerhappi26

I don't seek your approval.

Oh, come on, don't do that. I know it isn't pleasant to have your work criticized when you start out writing, but unless you're the type who expects people to kowtow and gets pissy when they don't, it's the only way to improve. I'm very into posting constructive criticism, but this kind of reaction just makes me think it isn't worth my while to spend 15 minutes reading the work and writing one out.

[triggerhappi26]

I know, I regret the knee jerk reaction in posting that. I have no excuse for being rude, I did open myself up to criticism and I do owe an apology.

I'm very sorry I reacted poorly Underwater Ophelia, I honestly mean that.

[Apathy's_Child]

Well, that's fair enough.

I agree with Oph about the rhyme scheme - it just doesn't work. I'm not a huge fan of rigid rhyme scheme in modern poetry anyway (for reasons I'll probbaly elaborate on later when I'm ess drunk and tired), but for now I'll just ask why some dated version of folklore, that has little meaning in present day life, is more attractive to you than the real issues you're living with.

Best advice is, read everything you can, old and new, and learn a littlew about poetic form. it's not hard and can be done online in a night. I can put you onto some people who knew their shit if you're interested (fuck off JCC).

[triggerhappi26]

I am deffinately interested.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by triggerhappi26

Underwater Ophelia have you ever heard the song Dear Ophelia by Abney Park?

I've been wondering this awhile.

It's a darkwave/steampunk letter from Hamlet to Ophelia.

No, I haven't heard it. I don't really like Abney Park. I did when I was a little younger, before they decided to jump on this whole steampunk bandwagon.

[triggerhappi26]

It's a fairly good song

[HumanePain]

There is a good post about writing poetry from a member who was banned long ago: om3gag0th666. He was crude and insulting but he knew poetry and writing:

om3gag0th666's Avatar

Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 558

"Well Meter and rhytmn are kind of the same. Let me give you a quick run-over of meter/feet.

an iamb is unstressed-stressed. Such as: the way.

Way is stressed more, you can hear it if you say it out loud.

a trochee, is stressed-unstressed. Ex. Way the.

an anapest is a metrical foot consisting of, unstressed-unstressed-stressed. Ex. but between...

a dactyl is the reverse of an anapest so: Breaking the...

It's based upon syllables, so for instance: A word like, Between would be an entire iambic foot, a word like, Jubilee would be an entire anapest foot since it's last syllable is stressed, albeit jub is secondary stress, a word like imperturbable is also an anapest.

Now onto length, this is easy.

Think prefix:

Monometer
Dimeter
Trimeter
Tetrameter
Pentameter
Hexameter

and so on and so forth, I used to know the rest, but I'd have to check some poetry books I have about.

Then there are other meters that are four syllables long, like major ionics, and minor ionics.

Like: I believe major ionics is a spondee (two stressed) followed by a pyhrric (two unstressed) and the reverse is true for the other.

So, Break into the...major ionic, minor ionic: the machine broke.

Just try reading poetry out loud, you will hear the scansion: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scansion

Check that out if you want. "

https://www.gothic.net/boards/showth...ghlight=Poetry

There are some other good threads in the Literature forum about writing poetry, use the Advanced Search function.

[triggerhappi26]

thanks so much Humane any more tips and advice is greatly appreciated.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by triggerhappi26

I am deffinately interested.

I'll think of some recs and get back to you over the next few days.

[Apathy's_Child]

So, i think most of what I wanted to say to you has already been said to someone else in this thread, about finding your own natural voice: https://www.gothic.net/boards/showthread.php?t=19515

Take note of Humane's post as well. Trying to write heavily formal poetry sounds lame if you do so without knowing anything about form - I personally think formalism is too dated for poetry written today, but in any case, blank verse is better than misused form. Flow and music is more important than rhyming IMO.

If you like fairy tales, don't just go off on a tangent with no thoughts behind it. A poem needs an idea as its driving force, even if you're centering around visual images - preferably original, but at the very least, approached in an interesting way. Best way to get ideas is to know your subject matter - read up on folklore and older fairy tales, check some scholarly criticism to get an idea of how you can use/rework the themes, and look at the darker stuff as well as the cutesey shit (thanks a lot, Shakespeare). Finally, take a look at some more recent adaptations and reworkings.

What kind of poetry do you currently enjoy reading? That'll make it easier for people to recommend stuff you might like.