untitled flash fiction

requiescant_in_pace · 11-09-2009, 11:17 AM

How much breathable air is in a coffin?
Jill wants to know. Unfortunately there is no WiFi in a coffin 5 and a half feet under freshly dug cold soil. Why only 5 and a half feet? Tom had no tools of measurment and he was leary of burying his girlfriend alive. Tom is Jill's boyfriend and he'll do whatever she asks of him.
Jill likes David Blaine, he has dark, mysterious eyes and is'nt an obsequious little pussy like Tom. David is sure, he has confidence. He can acomplish what he puts his mind to. Tom will probably fail his junior year of high school.
Jill is going to be an illusionist when (if) she gets out of this shity little town. She has never had any formal training and with nothing but Wikipedia and Youtube she has already successfully learned how to make smoke come off of her fingers and levitate. Just like David Blaine. Tonight she has had Tom bury her alive because she can pull this one off too. Besides, if all fails, Tom, that little worm will dig her up.
It's now been twenty minutes and Jill can't remember if she brought the real handcuffs or the dummy ones. It's dark and she can't find the release trigger. She's feeling sleepy and lazy, her thoughts are bordering on dreams.
...breathe...breathe... air...air..I need...

"Air...I need some more air Tom, some fuckin' space." Jill had told Tom in the school gymnasium three weeks earlier. Tom had looked down and sorry like a little puppy as usual. He may have had a car but he certainly had no fight in him. Just lots of 'yes' and 'okay Jill' and that did'nt excite her.
'You're always hanging around me and trying to baby me,' Jill continued, 'Try and be an individual for once...THAT might actually impress me."
Tom nodded and bit back the words 'okay Jill'.

Now, more than ever Jill needed some air from Tom. 'Dig Tommy...please.' Jill wheezed in the dark.
Air, not space. He needed to dig her up and pull her from the dark, heavey, forcefull dreams that were stealing her cares and her future. Jill slipped into unconsciousness with the certainty that Tom (little doting Tom) would grab the shovel and excavate her chance of getting out of this rotten town.

Tom looked at his watch. 30 minutes since he had thrown the last shovel full of earth in place. That seemed long to Tom, but these tricks were not 2 minute affairs like on Tv. True illusions take more time. They are the work of Pro's, and Jill is a Pro. She has confidence. She can accomplish what she puts her mind to. Tom will wait. Besides, if he digs her up, he would just be babying her more. Jill can do this, and when she comes up out out of the ground, she'll be proud and Tom will be proud. Finally they will truly share something together.

Tom looked at his watch. 40 minutes. He thought to himself 'She'll be so happy.'
Tom lit a cigarette and decided to watch the sunrise.
45 minutes.
Tom whispered , 'I love her.'

the-nihilist · 11-10-2009, 11:09 AM

That was terrible, I didn't even read any of it.

vindicatedxjin · 11-10-2009, 11:11 AM

Hmm.....beyond awkward.

requiescant_in_pace · 11-10-2009, 12:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the-nihilist

That was terrible, I didn't even read any of it.

'That tasted bad...I could'nt even take a single bite.' That is a equivalent of what you have just said.
I have posted stories in similar forums, and they're always peppered with similar replies. I read somewhere that the average person buys a book and does not read past the first hundred pages. According to that statistic and your last post, I will categorize you as below average.

I hope that this story entertains people, but mostly I put it up for critique. I hope I don't have to add the words contructive or intelligent to the previous sentence.
Please feel free to point out the errors in grammar, but if that's all you can offer; you serve little more purpose than microsoft word pad. What I would really like to hear about is plot and character developement (I know it's flash fiction).

Thanks for the posts regardless...it keeps me fresh on the threads.

the-nihilist · 11-10-2009, 01:27 PM

It was a joke. How would I know if it was bad if I didn't read any of it?

Still Jack · 11-10-2009, 02:02 PM

He was right. It did kind of suck...

the-nihilist · 11-10-2009, 02:08 PM

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."

requiescant_in_pace · 11-10-2009, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the-nihilist

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."

Is that ecclesiates? Your statement is true however, all writers (atleast the ones from the horror genre) try thier hand at the 'buried alive' story. This one had a twist though. The girl needed space, than the guy really gave it to her. Plus he did it with the best intentions. She was sorta bitchy and he was a tool... c'mon read between the fuckin lines.

Like my story or I'll brow beat you!!

vindicatedxjin · 11-10-2009, 03:37 PM

Brow beat me ^_^

requiescant_in_pace · 11-10-2009, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vindicatedxjin

Brow beat me ^_^

Well, that's a big commitment. While my ability as a storyteller might be little more than 'awkward' perhaps, I am an expert brow beater and you're biting off more than you can chew. Did you ever think of that, Tex?

Anyway..I thought of makin this story longer and showing more of Jill and Tom's relationship. I would have done this to add gravity to the ending...but it's flash fiction. Short and dirty.

vindicatedxjin · 11-10-2009, 03:50 PM

Lol dude, I really don't think it's that bad. I just personally found it confusing...that is all ^_^

requiescant_in_pace · 11-10-2009, 04:10 PM

That's cool, Tex. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Xombie · 11-10-2009, 05:21 PM

I thought it could have been sort of interesting, but the end sucked and I was extremely disappointed.

requiescant_in_pace · 11-10-2009, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xombie

I thought it could have been sort of interesting, but the end sucked and I was extremely disappointed.

Great, that's what I need. Why did it suck?

btw : Thanks for reading and giving a semi-complement

truscrisug · 11-13-2009, 01:08 AM

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream" (Poe) is tattooed on the inside of my left arm, "That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die" (Lovecraft) is on the inside of my right arm.

__________________
wwww caisse d epargne fr | La caisse d'epargne | caisse d'epargne

requiescant_in_pace · 11-13-2009, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by truscrisug

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream" (Poe) is tattooed on the inside of my left arm, "That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die" (Lovecraft) is on the inside of my right arm.

Wrong thread Elvira but, it sound like you've got some neat tatoos.