Bottle cap kids. (CORRECT THREAD)

[JCC]

There is no real aim to this. It sucks, but I wanted to write something eh.

The street was filled with misfits, that night, and there was a terrible
buzzing in my ear, kind of like feedback.
As I walked, I saw children with bottle caps in their shoes dancing to some fatalistic tune
and a madman, shaking a dead flower, screaming.
The street was filled with life that night
and it filled me with life too, somewhat,
except for when I saw the man with the broken accordion.
He was sitting on a stair, weeping, weeping over the dead remains
of what had once made a beautiful sound.
I walked over to him, and said-
"Why do you weep over an accordion?"
and he said, through stifled tears-
"I'm not crying about an accordion.
"I'm crying because I am the accordion."
I didn't understand.
I kept walking, and I sat down on a bench. It started to rain, and I still sat, sat until I was drenched down to the bone,
pelted by fat water bombs.
All of the people gathered.

[Scareebowfairy]

You might think it sucks, but I think it's kinda good! I almost wanted to Know what the man with the accordion meant

[Underwater Ophelia]

There are a lot of good ideas in here, but this poem isn't good.
I love the feeling it creates, and I love the flow of it, but the accordion part was really lame.

[xParadigmx]

I liked all the random things he saw. But it just, didn't work right somehow. maybe the way the lines fit together? I dont know enough.

[JCC]

I've edited it. I don't like it any more than the original, but it becomes a different proposition now so I'd like comments all the same:

The street was filled with misfits, that night, and there was a terrible
buzzing in my ear, like feedback;
and as I walked, I saw children, with bottle caps in their shoes, dancing to some fatalistic tune
and a madman, shaking a dead flower, screaming.
The street was filled with life that night
and it filled me with life too, somewhat;
the streetlamps flickered incessantly like a man trapped in a box, trying desperately to escape, and everyone was a streetlamp, it seemed.
A man in a pristine suit with a briefcase and a three day beard,
stinking of alcohol, smoke and piss,
crept up behind me as the stench caught in my nostrils like a thick, black fume, and whispered, softly
in my ear-
"This is where people die whilst living."
I watched him disappear, throwing money into the air and cackling.
I kept walking, and I sat down on a bench cold to the touch, and my ass began to numb. It started to rain, and I still sat, sat until I was drenched down to the bone,
pelted by fat water bombs.
All of the people gathered.

[gothicusmaximus]

I think the accordion part was the best aspect of the original draft. "I am the accordion" was the most provocative and engaging line in the piece, and now you've replaced it with a platitude delivered by a cliché. A disillusioned businessman throwing money into the air? Seriously, JCC?

I do like the streetlamps metaphor in the new draft, though. It's a bit heavyhanded, but good at its core.

[Fatbaby]

The first line would read better, "...a terrible feedback buzzing my ear."
I don't like the man in the pristine suit, but I love the whisper, though the line in quotes could be reworded for a better sound and finality perhaps by ending with the word "die".

[Mealla]

It lacks good word flow, but there is a lot of nice imagery. I liked the accordion part in the original draft, not the edit. Also, that's a nice theme you have going there, comparing people to inanimate objects. I would suggest keeping the original accordion part and the new streetlamps metaphor.

[JCC]

It's so hard trying to please people, Gnet has bipolar disorder.

I'm going to go with what I prefer, which is the accordion, and keep that streetlamp thing.

[Apathy's_Child]

I didn't mind the accordion part, but I would strike the conversation with the guy - it's really pretentious to my ears. Just the image of the guy crying over it was enough. The "I am the accordion" line screams cliche, and my feelings are the exact opposite of Gothicus' - I thought it was the worst line in the whole poem.

In the second draft, I liked the guy in the suit, but again I think the description of him was enough. I would cut everything about him after "smoke and piss."

[JCC]

Alright, another edit, this could take a lot of work.

The street was filled with misfits, that night, and there was a terrible
buzzing in my ear, like feedback;
and as I walked, I saw children, with bottle caps in their shoes, dancing to some fatalistic tune
and a madman, shaking a dead flower, screaming.
The street was filled with life that night
and it filled me with life too, somewhat;
until I saw the man with the accordion.
The streetlamps flickered incessantly like a man trapped in a box, pounding against the walls of his glass coccoon. Everyone was a streetlamp, it seemed.
A man in a pristine suit with a briefcase and a three day beard,
curled up on a stair, weeping over the dead remains of a useless machine,
that had nevertheless once made a beautiful sound.
I walked over to him, and said-
"Why do you weep over an accordion?"
He looked at me with bloodshot eyes and stood up. Stinking of alcohol, dirt and piss he whispered in my ear as the stench stuck in my nostrils like a thick, black fume;
"I am the accordion."
I didn't understand.
I watched him disappear as he walked away, silently, throwing money into the air.
I kept walking, and I sat down on a bench cold to the touch, and my ass began to numb. It started to rain, and I still sat, sat until I was drenched down to the bone,
pelted by fat water bombs.
All of the people gathered.

[Disaffected Shoelaces]

It's okay, but I've read better from you.

I think it might work better as a dream. I'm a Nazi when it comes to verity - with poetry, anything false or story-ish puts me off instantly. Although I know that's just my own thing.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

I didn't mind the accordion part, but I would strike the conversation with the guy - it's really pretentious to my ears. Just the image of the guy crying over it was enough. The "I am the accordion" line screams cliche, and my feelings are the exact opposite of Gothicus' - I thought it was the worst line in the whole poem.

In the second draft, I liked the guy in the suit, but again I think the description of him was enough. I would cut everything about him after "smoke and piss."

You thought the accordion was cliche, and liked the cameo from a grittier Jerry Maguire?

[a morbid curiosity]

I like the new version. And I agree with gothicusmaximus that the accordion is the most interesting line; it's not cliché at all. I really like some of the imagery in this poem.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

You thought the accordion was cliche, and liked the cameo from a grittier Jerry Maguire?

Yeah, "I am the accordion" was shit IMO. Though as I said, the image without the conversation was good. You don't need the line, because it's obvious enough without it.

The cameo didn't bother me until he opened his mouth. In fact, before that point I liked it. Anti-materialism has been done to death, granted, but it's relevant and means something that's important today.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

The cameo didn't bother me until he opened his mouth. In fact, before that point I liked it. Anti-materialism has been done to death, granted, but it's relevant and means something that's important today.

I have no problem with an anti-materialist poem, but that particular image has been used to express that idea far, far too many times.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

I have no problem with an anti-materialist poem, but that particular image has been used to express that idea far, far too many times.

But it's just one of many images, and it fits well enough. It doesn't give me issues.