Why does marriage tend to be so damn unequal?

[chelseagirl]

Why is it that every time I've been married, my husband expects me to do ALL the housework, cooking, etc.? I mean, I work MORE hours than him every day, yet I'm expected to rush home and cook and clean for him. I'm SO tired of this. I've been married three times, and it's been this way every damn time. I even told him (the current husband) before we got married that I didn't want us to end up like this, and before we were married he would actually help out with chores, but it ended almost immediately after we actually married.

Now, when I ask him to do things, he calls me a "nag"...and I RARELY ask him for anything at all. Yesterday, I asked if he could help do the dishes while I cleaned the bathrooms, and he said no way, that "he has the penis, and I have the vagina", therefore, it's my job.

I seem to have some sort of subconcious radar that attacts me to sexist men...or something in me that turns them like that after vows are exchanged.

*sighs* I just felt the need to vent...especially after reading the "question for the ladies" thread.

[Deadmanwalking_05]

Well it has to do with the background your Husband(s) were raised in,I'm not blamming it all on their up bringing,the blame does lay squarely on their shoulders more than anything.

Just let him know how you feel,tell the guy he dirted the same dishes,and enjoyed the meal,you cooked it the least he could do is show respect and either help clean up or do the clean up by himself.

I may not be the poster child for relationships but even I know it takes respect for each other to have a lasting healthy relationship.

Let him know how you feel on the subject at hand.

And that if he isn't willing to help out, refuse to do the cooking and cleaning for him,when he asks what the hell,tell him what's up.

(Drops two pennies in the jar)

[LiUsAiDh]

Refuse to wash anything at all of his. Totally immature, but fun, and it'll get the point across when he has to go to work, or whatever, in smelly week old t-shirts.

[Serren]

I had this problem in the early days of my marriage.

I force my husband to help round the house, he has no choice what so ever. In that way I am very strict (or mean you could say). If I've asked him to do something and he goes to bed before his done it I've woken him up in the past and made him go and do it.

He knows what his things to do round the house are and I know mine.

For starters stop cooking him any food, washing his clothes or anything else until he pulls his thumb out. He won't do the washing up? Just wash something when you need it. He'll have to do some then.

And of course you could of countered that line with 'Unless you start helping your penis will be going no where near my vagina.'

Seriously men get away with this crap cos they can, we really have to stand up for ourselves and force them into an equal relationship.

[chelseagirl]

I've tried refusing to do things, but he gets really angry and yells and throws things and slams doors and curses so much that I usually end up crying and doing it so he'll stop being an ass. I know I'm not helping the situation at all by doing that, but I can't help myself for some reason. He refuses to go to marriage counseling, but I'm currently trying to get my insurance to cover me going somewhere by myself.

God, I SWORE I would never remarry after my second divorce. I should have kept to that.

[Saya]

Wow, I would freak out if a guy ever said anything like that to me. I also agree with everyone else, just clean YOUR clothes and cook YOUR meals. Depending on how stubborn he is though be prepared for a messy house >.<

I wonder what would make him change like that?

EDIT: Whhhaaaaaa? He yells and throws things? I'm sorry but thats just abusive. You cannot put up with that.

[Deadmanwalking_05]

That to me sounds like an abusive relationship.

The best advice I can give is to get out before it gets much worse.

[chelseagirl]

Originally Posted by Saya

I wonder what would make him change like that?

I really feel sort of like I was "bamboozled" by him. Like, for instance, while we were dating, he used to come over and watch horror movies with me, and he had a lot of DVDs of his own. (Horror movies are a BIG interest of mine). But, after we got married, he said, "well, I don't have to pretend anymore, I hate horror movies". Turns out, he's into comedies and he hasn't watched a horror movie with me in years now.

I have considered divorce, but I'm in my mid thirties and really dont' want to get divorced AGAIN. Plus, when he's being nice, we get along really well.

Maybe I could talk him into hiring a maid, so it wouldn't be an issue anymore, lol!

I just keep thinking that maybe he'll "grow out of it" or something - he is quite a bit younger than me.

[Saya]

Originally Posted by chelseagirl

I really feel sort of like I was "bamboozled" by him. Like, for instance, while we were dating, he used to come over and watch horror movies with me, and he had a lot of DVDs of his own. (Horror movies are a BIG interest of mine). But, after we got married, he said, "well, I don't have to pretend anymore, I hate horror movies". Turns out, he's into comedies and he hasn't watched a horror movie with me in years now.

I have considered divorce, but I'm in my mid thirties and really dont' want to get divorced AGAIN. Plus, when he's being nice, we get along really well.

Maybe I could talk him into hiring a maid, so it wouldn't be an issue anymore, lol!

I just keep thinking that maybe he'll "grow out of it" or something - he is quite a bit younger than me.

Thats horrible . He just outright admitted he was pretending? How can he expect a good marriage if he's going to lie his way into it?

I've never been married and the few relationships I've had have not lasted more than a few months, so I'm not one to give great advice on your marriage, but you shouldn't feel you have to stay because you think you're getting too old (because you're not) or just because it will be the third time. When he's nice you might get along well, but are you comfortable with him as a whole? Do you love him to pieces? I'd strongly suggest counselling but if he refuses to do it then he is saying he sees nothing wrong with the marriage or he doesn't want to put a whole lot of effort into it. And I've never seen anyone grow out of such a digusting habit, especially if they think they can get away with it.

[Deadmanwalking_05]

I've taken part in the aftermath of relationships like these,the thing that ended those relationships was me getting violent with the husband that felt the need to "Make his woman mind"

Trust me if it doesn't work now he'll never change,he'll only get worse.

[Tam Li Hua]

Originally Posted by Deadmanwalking_05

That to me sounds like an abusive relationship.

The best advice I can give is to get out before it gets much worse.

I would second that. If yelling and throwing things and in general being abusive is his way of dealing with problems, then getting him to help around the house is the least of your worries.

You CAN NOT change him!! Seriously, don't continue to put yourself in such a bad position.

EDIT: Wait wait wait...grow out of it?!?!

No, he will most certainly NOT grown out of it if he hasn't by now! And I don't care how many marriages you've had or how old you think you are! You NEED to leave him!

Seriously, what if you have a child, and he starts beating on your son or daughter? Are you willing to put your offspring through that?

[Solumina]

That sounds like a really unhealthy relationship and you deserve something much better. He is ignoring your needs simply because he doesn't want to put forth any effort which is unfair and when you do try and push him to act like a true partner then he gets angry to the point where I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up hurting you. If he wont go with you to get help then you need to get out because no matter what you do on your own things aren't going to change as long as you are with him.

[chelseagirl]

Well, he's never hit me before, and I really don't think he would, he just yells and curses and calls me names mostly.

The fucked up thing is BOTH of his parents are psychologists...and his mother deals specifically in marriage and sex counseling. I mean, you would think two psychologists could have raised better adjusted children.

[chelseagirl]

He just called me here at work to tell me that some friends (a band) is coming through town tonight and will be staying at our house, and told me I need to clean for them when I get home.

I'm going to make him help me, or just not do it, and see what happens.

[Solumina]

A lot of the time psychologist are so sure that they have raised their child perfectly that they overlook any red flags.

Originally Posted by chelseagirl

Well, he's never hit me before, and I really don't think he would, he just yells and curses and calls me names mostly.

How long have you two been married? Very few guys start of by punching their wife, most of the time it starts with yelling, progressed to throwing stuff and slamming doors, then punching walls/doors, and after years of intimidating behavior the actions slowly turn their focus directly to the spouse and the hitting/beating/whatever begins. You know him better than I do so if you are sure he wont raise a hand at you then that is your call, I'm just very concerned.

[Tam Li Hua]

Abuse doesn't have to be physical for it to be abuse. :/ Verbal abuse is just as emotionally damaging as physical, if not worse.

I would suggest that you not only don't clean, but that you don't go home at all. Go to a friend's, go to your parents', go somewhere you are safe and call off the whole thing. Seriously, you're worth more than this; don't put up with this a-hole.

[Solumina]

Originally Posted by Tam Li Hua

Abuse doesn't have to be physical for it to be abuse. :/ Verbal abuse is just as emotionally damaging as physical, if not worse.

Very true.


Everything considered he doesn't seem like the type who will take well to being forced out of his dominant roll in front of other people and I just see things going very badly so I would strongly suggest that you not only inform him that you are not going to clean everything for him but that you are not going to be home that night. Carry through and stay with a friend/parent or stay at a hotel.

[Fatbaby]

Originally Posted by chelseagirl

Well, he's never hit me before, and I really don't think he would, he just yells and curses and calls me names mostly.

The fucked up thing is BOTH of his parents are psychologists...and his mother deals specifically in marriage and sex counseling. I mean, you would think two psychologists could have raised better adjusted children.

Don't think that his parents have a satisfying relationship just because they are psychologists. Do parents have the same relationship where the wife does the work? That may be the problem.
As to abuse, physical abuse is just more visible than others forms. Abuse starts with verbal abuse. As it gets worse things get physical and sexual. Suggest counseling if your requests for him change are not satisfactory.

[LiUsAiDh]

Originally Posted by chelseagirl

He just called me here at work to tell me that some friends (a band) is coming through town tonight and will be staying at our house, and told me I need to clean for them when I get home.

I'm going to make him help me, or just not do it, and see what happens.

He may react very badly to you making a fool out of him infront of his mates.

If he's already throwing things, although this may seem like the right thing to do, this is not safe.

[Duane]

Look, just be patient. Go along with this, and maybe he'll change. There's always a chance he'll change. If not, get a divorce.

[LiUsAiDh]

Originally Posted by Duane

Look, just be patient. Go along with this, and maybe he'll change. There's always a chance he'll change. If not, get a divorce.

People don't change.

[Deadmanwalking_05]

Exactly

They might try to BS others into thinking they've changed but it doesn't happen with time or a snap of the fingers.

It would take a great ammount of effort on his part and from the information posted here,it's not likely to happen.

The guy is getting his way,he will most likely continue to act out,and throw temper tantrums (Abusive guys are much like spoiled children)

[Tam Li Hua]

Originally Posted by Duane

Look, just be patient. Go along with this, and maybe he'll change. There's always a chance he'll change. If not, get a divorce.

Worst. Advice. Ever.

chelsea, please PLEASE don't go home tonight. We're worried something bad will happen. [And by 'we', I mean myself and all the others who are cautioning you against it.]

Deadman: I agree, only one can't discipline a spoiled adult who's acting like a child. :/

[LiUsAiDh]

Originally Posted by Deadmanwalking_05

Exactly

They might try to BS others into thinking they've changed but it doesn't happen with time or a snap of the fingers.

It would take a great ammount of effort on his part and from the information posted here,it's not likely to happen.

The guy is getting his way,he will most likely continue to act out,and throw temper tantrums (Abusive guys are much like spoiled children)

*Pointing out I actually agree with you for once, and am not holding a vendetta*

Hell has officially frozen over, guys!

[Deadmanwalking_05]

*Looks around his computer desk* Thought it was a bit nippy for some reason.