Walking With Shadows (Opening scene) Rated-R

drgnlvr · 04-05-2005, 03:06 AM

...For Violence, Sex, and 'Adult Themes'. Or something like that. I figured I'd be nice and warn some of the more sensitive souls here.

Anyhow, as stated, this is the opening scene for a work in progress, and some crits would be nice. Let me know what you think. Does it flow? Is the POV clear? Does it hold your interest? Or is this just a disgusting pile of crap, and I should never consider leaving my day job?

******

The building had a heartbeat. Unrelenting, throbbing, vibrating. Alive. The hard-driving industrial beat from the nightclub rattled windows and bones.

Young people, laughing a little too loud, started filing out in small groups. The night was beginning to wind down.

He crouched low in an ill-lit alleyway across from the nightclub. He pulled the hood of the sweatshirt up, and loosened the belt on the long trench.

An old doorway, long since boarded up and framed on either side by overflowing dumpsters gave the niche he needed, and a narrow view of a brick wall. It was enough for what he was waiting for.

She would show. She always did. In the months that he’d followed her, and studied her, her pattern never varied. Every Saturday night, at closing time, she lured a different person to this exact spot in the alley and had sex with them. It was a different person each time, sometimes male, sometimes female. But always, every time, it was the same.

He heard a familiar voice, and slipped deeper into the shadow of the niche.

She came into view, pulling a rather clean-cut, blonde male by the belt. He could hear her cajoling him, and the kid’s nervous response. He could care less what they were saying. He was listening for others. Witnesses.

Others were exiting the club, but they were going away from the alley. The music stopped. He heard cars starting, and engines revving in the distance. People laughing, and yelling, then the bolt to the nightclub’s door clanking home.

She was still teasing her newest conquest, and he was still protesting; although with her suggestive, grinding dance against his hip, and her hand firmly on his crotch, his protests were weakening.

It was time.

In silent, smooth motion, he crossed the alley and slammed her against the wall by her throat.

The young man, to his credit, took a swing at him, but never connected. He batted the kid like a noisome fly, lifted the girl up and slammed her into the wall again.

She gurgled and clawed at him, and he barely noticed. He glared at the clean-cut blonde boy instead, and growled low. “Go.”

The kid’s eyes widened, and he crab-crawled back, then he was on his feet, and gone.

He waited until the kid was out of sight, then faced the girl. She sneered and clawed at him again, her pretty young face contorted in a venomous rage.

With his free hand, he reached under the trench, at his hip, and pulled out a dagger. He slowly, deliberately held it up, and let the weak light from the street hit the hilt and the top of the six-inch blade. A greenish stone was held to the blade, just beneath the hilt, with thin silver wire, and it sparked with an inner light.

The girl stopped fighting and clawing at him. She tried to shake her head. Instead of wanting to get at him, she was trying to get away from him. She couldn’t break his grip, and she couldn’t get a foothold.

He flipped the dagger, thrust with a downward motion, and sunk the entire blade into her gut below her navel.

Her eyes rolled back, and she trembled, then was still.

He dropped her to the filthy pavement, and checked her pulse. It was still pounding rapidly.

He picked her up, and carried her to the end of the alley. Away from the street and to a waiting car.

pitseleh · 04-05-2005, 03:24 AM

As far as constructive crits go, I'm rather useless, but I'll comment nonetheless.

It flows nicely, and has a clear POV, I guess. Holds my interest, yes. Definitely made me curious to the who/why/what-happens-next. Don't usually like the 'misogynistic killer' types (then again, who does), but as this is just the opening, might be you have other things in mind. If this was the beginning of a novel, I'd keep reading.

In conclusion: NOT a disguisting pile of crap, leaving your day job IS an option.

drgnlvr · 04-05-2005, 03:35 AM

Thanks, Pit.

I'll be honest with you. I don't normally care for the mysogynistic killer story, either. But this story has been compelling me to write it.

Imagine...a serial killer...who is also the protagonist. *EG*

winged_dreams · 04-05-2005, 11:16 PM

I liked it. I'm not that great at criticizing but nothing bad popped out at me. You had proper spelling and grammar (at least that I noticed). The story did have a distinct point of view and it flowed. I'm waiting to read more which is probably the best indicator of how good your story was. So give me more!!

edible_eye · 04-05-2005, 11:31 PM

aside from re-writing a few word choices in my head, i enjoyed what i read - the word choices are personal in nature, not in any way better choices. a few spots could be edited to flow a little better and i would suggest asking someone you trust to go over the excerpt.

there's good potential, especially since i know what you're aiming at. keep going.

WolfMoon · 04-06-2005, 12:05 PM

YAY!

Finally you decide to post it!I'm eager for more and a lil disappointed that it's so short.

drgnlvr · 04-06-2005, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WolfMoon

YAY!

Finally you decide to post it!I'm eager for more and a lil disappointed that it's so short.

*hugs* Glad you liked it. It's not the one we talked about, though.

This is the opening scene for a novel I'm working on. I'll attempt to get more of that posted tonight after work.

'Helen's Eyes' is probably still sitting in the slush pile while the poor editors sift through all the detrious on top of it (I do not envy them their jobs, believe me!).

As soon as it's accepted and published, you'll know. Hell, the entire population of the planet might know, because I'll scream so loud. :lol:

winged_dreams · 04-07-2005, 02:37 PM

You better let all of us know when it gets published.[/b]

drgnlvr · 04-07-2005, 10:06 PM

LOL! Are you kidding me? I'll be so excited that someone will have to practically kill me to -keep- from letting all and sundry know! :lol:

drgnlvr · 04-08-2005, 03:34 AM

More of Chapter One of "Walking With Shadows".

Considering it's nearly 2,000 words, I thought it might be a good idea to post it in my LJ, and just give you the link here. Hope you don't mind.

http://www.***********.com/users/lor...88.html#cutid1

And any crits are welcome!

drgnlvr · 04-15-2005, 03:15 AM

On the off-hand chance anyone is interested...

I now have a new Live journal account that I'm using just to post the WIP as I do it. I figured since this is going to be a novel, eventually, it would be better than using up precious bandwidth here.

I just finished reworking the opening scene, too.

Look here!

http://www.***********.com/users/shadow_walking/

drgnlvr · 04-29-2005, 06:52 PM

The watcher dropped the body of the girl unceremoniously onto the wet ground. Her eyes stared unseeing at the lightening, overcast sky, her face forever frozen in a rictus of terror. The bloodless gash of her mouth mimicked the one across her throat. Her clothes were no longer the color they once were, but red with the blood from the slit at her throat, and the wound in her abdomen.

He dropped to his knees between her and a rocky mound covered in red clay and brown, dead weeds. He carefully moved aside the weeds at the base, and manipulated a fist-sized stone out of the entrance of what was once a fox den.

He pulled a small clay jar from a pocket of the trench coat. It was unadorned except for a small symbol painted on the side with the same pitch that sealed the lid. He crouched low to reach back as far as he could, unmindful of the water on the ground, and left the jar in the old abandoned den.

After closing the hole back up, and putting the weeds back in place, he got to his feet. His concern for the body ended the moment he dropped her to the ground. This was wilderness. Chances of her being found, and identifiable were slim.

He looked off to the east, where the sky was getting lighter, and the line of clouds in the distance come to an abrupt end.

The sky was a clear blue in the distance, and rapidly moving his direction. Soon the sun, itself would shine brightly on what looked to be a brilliant spring day.

The watcher ran in the opposite direction.

The terminator between overcast and clear crept closer, threatening to overtake him. He didn’t look back. He could feel it gaining on him.

A sheer red cliff-face loomed ahead, bare except for the scrub brush along the base. His arms and legs pumped as he poured all the power he had to charge right at the cliff. The wet clay clinging to the soles of his boots fought against his need to hurry.

He slipped but caught himself, pushing off the ground with one hand, and propelling himself forward. The sunlight licked at his heels. Sparks of static electricity jumped from his boots along with the dead grass and bits of mud.

As the light crept up his legs, more sparks flew from him, and he was still about 100 feet from safety. Sweat poured off him as he pushed himself to his physical limits.

50 feet away from the cliff.

The sun hit his ass. He grimaced and growled.

At about 20 feet from the scrub brush, the sun hit his back, and bolts of blue lighting leapt from him, and swirled around him in a vortex.

A few more steps. He howled and dove into the scrub just as the sun hit full-on to the cliff-face.

He tucked and rolled into the cave, and away from reach of the sunlight. He remained on the cold floor in a tight ball, trembling and groaning softly, as the bolts and sparks of static slowly died down.

WolfMoon · 04-30-2005, 02:42 PM

Woot!

drgnlvr · 05-02-2005, 06:08 AM

Note: This is an incomplete scene (sorry). I'm having a problem with completing it, as it just seems to go nowhere. But if anyone has any suggestions on how to procede, I would love to hear them!!!! At the end of the excerpt, you will see what I'm needing to accomplish. Thanks in advance!

******

A voluminous, fortyish redhead ascended the stairs to Cass’ apartment with a purposefulness that brooked no question. The two young men banging away at the new door frame jumped out of her way, without a word, as she blustered by with a nod, a smile and an enormous tapestry covered bag in her hands.

Andrea, the owner of The Bohemian, never bothered to knock or even to announce her arrival. She just went straight to the kitchen, where she found Cass yelling into the phone with one finger jammed in her other ear.

“What do you mean I have to get the doctor to call in the script?” Cass said.

She glanced up, saw Andrea, and waggled her fingers in greeting. The other woman said nothing, just helped herself to the coffee. She sat at the small, café-style table, and dropped the bag on the floor next to her with a resounding thump.

“I have three more refills to this, and I need it today.” Cass listened to the person on the other end of the line. She shook her head, and rolled her eyes at Andrea. “Look, it’s not my fault you screwed up the records—“

Andrea heard an audible click. Cass blinked, and jerked the phone from her ear. She looked at it as if it had suddenly grown teeth, then shut it off, and laid it on the counter. She looked at Andrea, bemused. “She hung up on me.”

Andrea snickered in her coffee cup. She jerked her head in the direction of the door. “Finally decided to get that thing replaced?”

Cass filled a cup for herself, and sat down at the table. She sat there silently, taking a sip of the hot liquid. “I was forced to,” she said, finally.

The older woman cocked a brow, inviting Cass to continue.

((Table until later))
**Andrea suggests that Cass is not hallucinating (missing one dose will not make her start hallucinating)**
**Suggests Cass see a friend of hers who is a psychiatrist**

drgnlvr · 05-15-2005, 09:45 AM

Okay, rewrote that incomplete scene. It's -somewhat- better, I'm just having a problem finding the "conflict" that should be there. Any suggestions?

Also, considering one of the characters (William Marsh) is actually more important to the story than Andrea, I put his introduction scene first.

Here it is, for anyone interested. And any crits you could offer will be welcomed!

ghostposts · 05-15-2005, 04:53 PM

writing is a bit rough at the beginnig, with a little too much exposition. Try showing his loks by having him interact with the environment. Say, the wind picks up and blows his hair, showing how long it is. Have him repeat some of the tenants of his faith in a prayer. That kind of thing.

Really picks up with the vision!

Define the conflict...a tough call. For one, you might try heightening the amount of difficulty he has in reaching her. Is she blocking him? For aother, you might try having her physically suffer, sweat, moan, ect. to heighten the experience she's having. The conflict between Marsh and the dark ones is too short, and his break through to influincing her is too smooth and painless. He should have a killer head ache, or something similar. Your call.

Hope this gives you a few ideas. This is a sweet read!

drgnlvr · 05-16-2005, 09:59 AM

ghostposts, thank you! These are the crits I'm really looking for

Mind you, seeing someone just say they love it doesn't hurt (I'm still deep enough in my own humanity and hubris to not consider that kind of thing inconsequential...it means alot to me, too), but comments that can help improve the story are important to me.

After all, I want to be rich and famous some day.

...

Okay, I want the book published, and to sell a few copies (but not like Nicky-poo-poo).

jackytar · 05-27-2005, 02:48 PM

*pokepoke*

Got home today, so I could get on gothic.net finally. Will read "Walking with Shadows" later, once I've got some sleep - was up at 0300 to the clanging of the action alarm. Must sleep now... zzzzz...

drgnlvr · 05-27-2005, 05:27 PM

Go to bed, Love. And when you get up, go introduce yourself in the General section.