A little help please?

[MissCheyenne]

So, I was looking around in the dark corners of my notebooks and found this little gem. It isn't brilliant and it's around 15 years old (which would have made me the grand old age of 13 when I wrote it!) I like the basic idea of it but I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to improve or rework it? I don't like the final two lines in particular, they just don't sit right for me but I'm stuck as to what to do with it. Cheers for any advice


Circumstantial friendships,
Draw blood with blunted teeth,
Eat deep inside my coffin walls,
Live long inside my grief,
Enchanted distributor,
Spill vicious lies and bile,
Wait patiently destroyer,
For painted lips to smile,
Illuminated wonder,
Come shine your light on me,
Give me eyes to breathe again,
And a heart so I can see.

[Apathy's_Child]

So you just want to alter the last two lines? That should be pretty straightforward. easiest way I find is to just strike what you've got, rather than trying to tweak it. Start from scratch with them. Read through the abridged poem and see what comes to you.