When death ain't so groovy.

Agwani · 11-21-2005, 11:37 PM

I've been a cute little ball of depression and anger lately.

This year, I turned 30. About two months ago, in fact. I was really and truly looking forward to it. The idea of being 30 pleased me to no end. I wanted it to be the year that I could say I drew a line in the sand, a little “With this line I'll mark the past, as a symbol of beginning."*

In other words, I honestly felt good about it and would be among the few who didn’t have their 30th birthday surrounded with gloom and depression.

I had also just moved into my own place, for the very first time. No room mates, no boyfriend. All new territory and I was very, very excited about it.

And then the most horrible thing happened.

My mother’s birthday is nine days before mine. I called her to wish her a happy birthday.

I was informed that she was in the hospital. Not exactly out of the ordinary, my mother's health hadn’t been great for the last two years.

But after a few calls, I found out instead that she was on a respirator and dying.

She died before I got to see her that day.

She was only 53 and it was her birthday.

By the time my birthday rolled around, I was sick of death and to death of everything I had to do, as I had assumed responsibility for putting my mother’s affairs in order. My friends, so many friends, were perfect, distracting me, getting me drunk, helping me move things, and ensuring I celebrated my birthday properly. Three days of celebration for the three decades I’ve been shuffling around this mortal coil, as it were…

And the person who put me here, wasn’t.

I’m not posting this to get a bunch of sympathy. I’ve had more than enough.

But I want to say something.

I want to tell you about the last time I saw my mother alive.

I was visiting for the weekend, and she and I were just hanging out, she was watching tv, I was reading a book next to her.

She turned to me and asked what I was reading.

I told her it was a book about vampires.

She chuckled and said, “My god, you’re never going to change, are you?”

I looked at her and smiled, saying “Nope.”

She patted me on the head and went back to watching tv. I went back to reading my book.

That moment pretty much sums up my relationship with my mother. We had gotten to the point where we were completely at ease around each other. I was looking forward to having the opportunity to know her as a person, not just as a mom.

But the time for that has now passed.

I feel like I should be passing on advice. I feel like I should be warning you. I feel like I should be doing more with this experience than just… mourning.

But I can’t seem to put the words together.

* Solitary - VNV Nation

AlKilyu · 11-22-2005, 09:06 AM

I am so sorry Agwani. I can relate much too well, and I say that to let you know I'm there. Because of that, if you need someone to yell/cry at, I'm al_kilyu@**********

MrMaelstrom · 11-22-2005, 09:49 AM

....

Disfunction · 11-22-2005, 10:45 AM

You may feel like you can't fit the words together, but I'd say you said as much as anyone else could. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that we're here for you in any way you need us (though I'm pretty sure that you knew that, else you'd not have posted). I hope you find your footing soon, but no sooner than you need to.

ohthefuckwell · 11-22-2005, 10:45 AM

lots of things i want to say right now, but they all seem like they'll come out as contrived or just plain stupid. so, instead, i'll just say:

hey, chick....

look me up on yahoo when you get a chance.

secretboy · 11-22-2005, 10:47 AM

I can't say I have perfect understanding of what you are going through, but I nearly lost my father two or there years back, and the shocking change from "he's still a little sick" to "he's in the hospital and he may not make it" shocked me to the core.

It's strange how there's always something more you could have said, more time you could have spent. But what a time it has to show up in your life?

Hitting thirty is always that weird state of looking back at your life and all the confusions of your twenties - in astrology they have the saturn return, signifying the 29.5 years that Saturn takes to traverse around the solar system, back into the house you were born, causing a (sometimes painful) rebirth and an understanding of where you have been and what you are. I'm not so sure I believe in it (but I try to keep my beliefs or lack of belief fairly limited for mental health reasons, heh) but it seems symbolically good for what a lot of people go through at that time.

You have to make do with the time you have on this planet. You have to make do with the thoughts and impressions you have, and how inefficient a simple thing like language is for conveying such a thing. But there is a way through all this, I'm pretty sure.*

-sml

*If you find the way, let me know, ok?

edible_eye · 11-23-2005, 06:59 AM

agwani -

if the ease of your togetherness lent to a feeling of mutual comfort - your mother died knowing she had a friend in you. for some parents, that's maybe the greatest achievement they can hope to accomplish in their lives.

i'm sorry for your sorrow.

http://www.free-tattoo.com/tattoo/ka...too-sorrow.gif http://www.free-tattoo.com/tattoo/ka...o-strength.gif http://www.chinesesymbolsmeaning.com.../c/comfort.gif

Manimal · 11-23-2005, 01:01 PM

Damn girl... words simply can't express...

You're relationship with your mom reminds me of my own relationship with my parents. When we're together we're friends before anything else. I don't know how I'd react if... sigh... just remember that you're love for each other will never weaken.

SLA-MORTEIZ · 11-23-2005, 02:04 PM

pitty is what u not ask for there for i shall not give ,....crul to other eyes i am but hopfuly u dont see the same i see the messege i under stand but when u lose some 1 that is the smybol of happyiness u start to wounder y my opinon is that deep inside u only know some of who she was like as an person ujust have to look deep enough(try to remmber ur past with her and then u shall peice.......)

rockandrose · 11-23-2005, 03:55 PM

I am unable to understand that particular post.

mortalitas incomitatus · 11-23-2005, 05:24 PM

it is truly devestating when you lose a loved one and words just don't do justice.
all i can say is i and i'm sure others here know what you are going through and sometimes it is easier to unload onto someone you do not know and can not see, so just know we are all here for you and so are our im addy's.
dont be a stranger.

with love,
B.B

Disfunction · 11-23-2005, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SLA-MORTEIZ

pitty is what u not ask for there for i shall not give ,....crul to other eyes i am but hopfuly u dont see the same i see the messege i under stand but when u lose some 1 that is the smybol of happyiness u start to wounder y my opinon is that deep inside u only know some of who she was like as an person ujust have to look deep enough(try to remmber ur past with her and then u shall peice.......)

Pity is not what you've asked for, therefore, I shall not give it. It might seem cruel in the eyes of other, but hopefully you don't see the message in that way. I understand, but when you lose someone who is a symbol of happiness (in your life), you start to, in my opinion, wonder if you look deep enough inside yourself, you'll know some of who she was as a person. Try to remember your past with her, then you will...

*sighs* This isn't at all typical... There's no actual sense in it.

NyQuil of Doom · 11-23-2005, 06:09 PM

It sounds like you had a similar relationship with your mom to the one I have with mine... she's more than a mom to me, she's also a good friend.

I can't imagine the sorrow I'd feel if she died, so I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. I'm not going to say anything cliche or mushy, because that's not who I am, but I will be thinking about you, if that counts.

Teardrop · 11-24-2005, 01:44 PM

My mum is my best friend. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I know it's not much but the only thing I can think of to say is that I'm sorry and I hope your happy memories help you get through this.

joyslayer · 11-24-2005, 09:48 PM

my mom and i, well, we dont like eachother. I truely do envy that real realationship you had with your mother. But parents will die. And as much as i would liek to say something comforting, you've got your whole life ahead of you. I dont think your mother woudl want you to waste all of your thoughts and energy on mourning for someone whom you will never see again. Death is hard to deal with. But if you do need to talk, i am here. =^.^=

Agwani · 11-24-2005, 10:21 PM

Wow.

First of all, thank you all so much for your kind words, sympathy and support. To be honest, it was a little unexpected. Thank you all for being... yourselves.

In complete honesty, I can say I'm holding up fine, probably better than expected. I had accepted the idea that my mother wasn't going to be around for much longer, a year or so ago... I just hadn't expected it so soon. But then again, who does?

I have my good memories, and I'll see her in my dreams. She was an awesome mom, and I’m proud to say she was my mum.

This has been a most ... interesting experience. I'm alternately filled with sorrow, happiness, relief, anger, acceptance and indifference. And the whole thing can be confusing at best, sometimes.

But it's all ok. I'm just glad that no one is treating me differently. I'm glad I wasn't expected to act differently. During the whole process of making arrangements my friends and I were cracking jokes. Whenever I got all scatter-brained and lose my train of thought, invariably someone would say "gez, you'd think your mom just died or something!"

For my birthday, I wore a tee-shirt to the club with the word "mourning" written across it. Those who didn't know thought it was because I had turned 30. Those who knew spat their drinks out their nose laughing.

My friends haven't stopped making 'your mom' jokes either. I laugh just as hard as they do.

And when we're hanging out, shopping, having coffee or whatever, and I burst into tears unexpectedly, someone will hold my hand.

I’m sad, but I’m also very, very happy.

ohthefuckwell · 11-24-2005, 10:35 PM

would it sound dumb of me to say, "i'm proud of you, babe"?

.... 'cause i am.

Agwani · 11-24-2005, 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohthefuckwell

would it sound dumb of me to say, "i'm proud of you, babe"?

.... 'cause i am.

Thanks, sugar.

*smile*

ohthefuckwell · 11-24-2005, 10:51 PM

you're beyond welcome.

just know that any time you need an ear.....

joyslayer · 11-25-2005, 11:03 AM

yeah, i'm here too. but the Memories really do help. Especially if they are good.