Another poem (great thread title, right?)

[Mariner]

Alright, so here is another poem. The criticism of my last poem was that I need to loosen up a bit when I write. I looked through my poems to see if I could find one that wasn't so "over-thought" as the last poem was described. I think this poem would constitute as not "over-thought" but I don't know, I may be wrong.


Dreams and Machines

Fall asleep,
Dream of peace.
It’s not there,
When I open my eyes.
Never want to wake.

Pixels are dreams,
We don’t have to leave.
Screens take us to visions,
Deep in our imaginations.

The intangible,
Is comforting.
The tangible,
Is harsh and cold.
Live inside an idea.

Backlit specters,
We summon for comfort.
Buttons bring us,
What we fear we can’t have.

Fall asleep,
Dream of freedom.
It’s not there,
When I open my eyes.
Never want to wake.

[Vilentina]

It's so sad that we rely on the screen to get the truth... Though high-tech helps, we should have some private, machine-free time in our life. Enjoy oneself in sunlight might be a good choice.

But, the vision on the screen, in films, in illusions, are so fascinated...

I don't know what I am talking about. Might be what this piece of poem reminds me. It's nice.

[Ami]

I love these two lines:

Pixels are dreams,
We don’t have to leave.

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by Vilentina

It's so sad that we rely on the screen to get the truth... Though high-tech helps, we should have some private, machine-free time in our life. Enjoy oneself in sunlight might be a good choice.

But, the vision on the screen, in films, in illusions, are so fascinated...

I don't know what I am talking about. Might be what this piece of poem reminds me. It's nice.

I'm glad you like it Vilentina. I remember when I was little how sparingly I used computers and cell phones were much less common (now 10-year-old kids even have them). What I was trying to figure out when I wrote this poem is why people (including myself) waste time on them when there are so many other productive and interesting things we could be doing. I understand what you're trying to say, and completely agree. We all need some "machine-free time". Speaking of machine-free time, I really need to go on a back-packing trip this summer.

[Ami]

Does anyone else find this topic ironic for the medium you're using?

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by Ami

Does anyone else find this topic ironic for the medium you're using?

Yes, it is ironic...

[MissCheyenne]

This one's not really doing it for me. I'm not sure why as I don't especially dislike the subject matter or the way it's written as such, it just feels a little.....cold to me. Perhaps that's intentional though?

Personally, there's one or two lines I would alter if it was my own work, they way they read and the way I want to read them have the same meaning, just slightly different wording.

Overall though, it isn't bad, it's certainly better than a lot of teen works (I'm assuming you are quite young, correct me if I'm wrong). Keep writing, the more you do it, the better you'll get

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by MissCheyenne

This one's not really doing it for me. I'm not sure why as I don't especially dislike the subject matter or the way it's written as such, it just feels a little.....cold to me. Perhaps that's intentional though?

Personally, there's one or two lines I would alter if it was my own work, they way they read and the way I want to read them have the same meaning, just slightly different wording.

Overall though, it isn't bad, it's certainly better than a lot of teen works (I'm assuming you are quite young, correct me if I'm wrong). Keep writing, the more you do it, the better you'll get

The coldness is intentional, I felt that it related well to the subject of machines (computers, cell phones, etc.). What lines would you change? I'll be sure to continue writing, I've always got ideas floating around in my head. Also, I'm not a teen, I'm 20.

[Vilentina]

I remember that before I was ten all I could do with my computer was drawing using the MS-preinstalled software. Rather I had fun with my friends or with myself outdoors in the sunlight. These days I frequently recalled those corners of happiness when I was accidentally in the sun. However I am no longer in that kind of mood to enjoy any of the "glory". It's sad.

[skuggirotta]

I can't say I really like it, but mainly for personal aesthetic reasons. To me it's lacking vibrant imagery. I did like the bit about the pixels are dreams but was left wanting more to be done with that comparison. I guess it's mainly because I tend to be a very visual person so I like to have a picture painted with words.

[MissCheyenne]

Specifically, I'd change this line 'What we fear we can’t have' to 'what we fear we'll never have'. It just reads better to me personally that way.

I apologise for my assumption about your age. You do look rather young so I just thought you were.

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by skuggirotta

I can't say I really like it, but mainly for personal aesthetic reasons. To me it's lacking vibrant imagery. I did like the bit about the pixels are dreams but was left wanting more to be done with that comparison. I guess it's mainly because I tend to be a very visual person so I like to have a picture painted with words.

To be honest I think too much vibrant imagery makes the poem seem overdone. I like to leave things simple, with a phrase that sticks out here and there. It's just s stylistic thing, sorry you don't care for it.

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by MissCheyenne

Specifically, I'd change this line 'What we fear we can’t have' to 'what we fear we'll never have'. It just reads better to me personally that way.

I apologise for my assumption about your age. You do look rather young so I just thought you were.

I'm not sure I really see the benefit of the change there, but I'll read it through with the change and see if I like it. It's ok, I get told I look younger than my age quite a bit.

[Vilentina]

Originally Posted by Mariner

I'm not sure I really see the benefit of the change there, but I'll read it through with the change and see if I like it. It's ok, I get told I look younger than my age quite a bit.

The change has better beat but it doesn't matter that much, I think.

[skuggirotta]

Originally Posted by Mariner

To be honest I think too much vibrant imagery makes the poem seem overdone. I like to leave things simple, with a phrase that sticks out here and there. It's just s stylistic thing, sorry you don't care for it.

I can see that, and in some cases I would agree with you about too much imagery being over done. Sometimes it's better to step back from overly descriptive language and strike a balance. Though judging by what you've said I'm guessing our ideas of the right balance are very different! haha

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by skuggirotta

I can see that, and in some cases I would agree with you about too much imagery being over done. Sometimes it's better to step back from overly descriptive language and strike a balance. Though judging by what you've said I'm guessing our ideas of the right balance are very different! haha

Yes our ideas about balance are different, however, that isn't a bad thing.

[skuggirotta]

Originally Posted by Mariner

Yes our ideas about balance are different, however, that isn't a bad thing.

I agree wholeheartedly!

[esspwebmaster]

this is so nice i enjoyed reading it as i love poetry
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