So I've sat down and realized...

[L'Oiseau Noir]

I really, really hold myself in the lowest opinion. Almost borderline hate. It's been bothering me, actually; and today, for whatever reason, it's gotten worse than ever before.

It all started around this morning, when I kept failing to do a project my teacher assigned because I continually messed it up in every imaginable way. My teacher didn't help much, either, as he discouraged me from start to finish, telling me how terrible I was at doing these sort of things. From there, I started to curse myself (using every colorful word in my vocabulary), and from there plunged into a depressive state that lasted throughout the day (and to now, as I sit here at my computer). At first, I thought it was just the teacher that had upset me; but as I sat in third block, whilst completing a paper, I realized it hadn't only been my teacher, but also all the terrible things family, classmates, and strangers have said or done to me over the course of my lifetime. That, and my own shortcomings.

It's a classic case of the "people-hate-me-and-I-hate-myself" syndrome, I suppose.

The whole thing still saddens me, and I feel it's not going to blow over too soon. I may just nap and, hopefully, will feel better when I wake up. But I doubt it'll happen; it doesn't hurt to try, though.

I'm a bitter, mean-spirited person, with little worth as I see it. I can't offer much, and in truth, I have no real talents. I can't draw well, nor can I write well; I can't compose music or play instruments; I'm academically inept; and for God's sake, I can hardly speak clearly as I'm always stumbling over my words.

In short, I'm an idiot, I suppose. A loser with a faint and uncertain future.

I just wanted to get that all out and completely unload on myself. It's strange, but it does help me cope a bit better with things.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. I apologize for taking up yet another slot, which could be utilized for a more worthy rant, in the whining thread.

It's sad, really, how much I frequent it.

[KontanKarite]

Oh now. You're fairly articulate, Noir.

No need to hate so much on yourself. We all have our doubts about ourselves. In fact, I honestly don't know if I can even hold down a job.

It's either that, or I'm not cut out for being a blue collar.

Also, there's nothing wrong with asking for help. Also note, there are some that are in places they shouldn't be. If your teacher was discouraging you, they shouldn't be a teacher. Did you ever consider if knowing what the teacher is teaching you is actually applicable to every day life?

[HumanePain]

I must vigorously disagree with the part about not writing well; you are an EXCELLENT writer! And I disagree with the mean spirited part too, I have only seen you post constructive criticism, I don't recall anything mean spirited from you (from others: hell yeah!).

I have had pity-parties from time to time, it will blow over.

:hugs:

[gothicusmaximus]

Goddamnit, guys. If I ever needed a single thing from the people of gnet, that thing was for you to hold off on replying to this post, so L'Oiseau Noir would know that nobody cares about her fishing for compliments.
Why can't everyone just think the way I do?
"BECAUSE WE'RE NOT GIANT ASSHOLES", I know.

[Underwater Ophelia]

It does kinda seem like fishing...

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

It does kinda seem like fishing...

Of course it does. Every post on an internet message board in which the poster brazenly insults himself or herself seems kinda like fishing, because every post on an internet message board in which the poster brazenly insults himself or herself IS fishing.

This is a discussion board. People contribute threads in the hope of receiving some response. Why, if L'Oiseau Noir wasn't hoping people would hurry to console her, would she share this low opinion of herself? Certainly responses to the effect of "YOU'RE RIGHT BITCH FUCK YOU DIE GO KILL YOURSELF" would only make her feel worse, and, just as certainly, someone who considers herself worthless would be loathe to waste our collective time with her self-deprecation. L'Oiseau Noir will probably say she didn't count on any reply at all, but rather merely wanted to experience the catharsis of yelling her grievances to a group of strangers, to which I reply: GROUPHUG.US.

[knightmare]

Unrealistic and overtly ambitious expectations of yourself is your problem, not just low self-worth. Although you are a talented and educated writer, you are also human, and thus prone to error. We make mistakes and often don't have much control of what happens in our lives. There's really two responses to these facts. Either you mope around and waste what little time you are allotted in this world by comparing your life to those you envy (like literary geniuses such as Emily Dickinson), or you can accept yourself as you are and try to live your life the best you can as you seek to improve yourself and your writing skills. Also, concerning yourself with the lives of others, especially those more unfortunate than you, is also a good start.

[L'Oiseau Noir]

To Gothicus and Ophelia.

You only say things like that because it's a blatant fact neither of you like me. I wasn't fishing for compliments, or anything of the sort. If you've noticed, in the past I hardly ever carried on like this. Is it a crime for a person to have one off day? I really am feeling down on myself. It helps to write it out. And this is the whining board. Also, does it really hurt to look to other people (even on a message board) for a bit of consolation? Every human does it from time to time. Children when they get hurt go to their mothers for consolation, kids in school who do poorly on a test will go to their parents or friends for consolation, and when someone is feeling hard on themselves, they want consolation too.

Instead of debating whether or not this is a thread intended to acquire compliments, why don't you and Ophelia do the only things either of you are good at? Go ahead, tell me to fuck off and die. I really don't care.

Gothicus is just mad because I trashed his thread and don't kiss his ass like 90% of the people here. Why I say this? Because he never bothered with any of my posts in the past. Until now, of course. Coincidence, I doubt it. And everyone knows Ophelia and I like each other about as much as a mongoose likes a cobra.

So go ahead, trash this thread. I don't care. This was for me, to help me get out how I was feeling. But I suppose it's a crime for everyone but yourselves to have off days.

You act as if I do this all the time, like fucking Signe or Mindless did. It's just this once. This once. Unless, of course, you can prove me wrong and show me a thread from the past that's just like this one, as you deem it, "a cry for attention."

[Underwater Ophelia]

Noir, it's not a "fact" that I don't like you. You're insulting science by saying things like that.

Also--why is it every time I say something against you or disagreeing with you you claim it's because I don't like you wah wah wah. Did you ever consider that maybe I just...DISAGREE WITH YOU?

Not only that...I really do think you just want attention. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't say you're fishing for attention because I don't like you, but that I don't like you because you're fishing for attention?

NOT ONLY THAT, but mongooses and snakes have no bad feelings for each other! THEY'RE FUCKING ANIMALS, THEY DON'T HAVE PREJUDICES!!!


(and before you say "blah blah blah they fight you're dumb"--I fucking know that. My joke is still funny.)

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by L'Oiseau Noir

To Gothicus and Ophelia.

You only say things like that because it's a blatant fact neither of you like me.

That's true, actually. I am probably being especially harsh because I don't like you. The idea of you making this thread for the obvious purpose of gleaning positive attention from strangers, only to watch it gradually fall, neglected, into the oblivion of cyberspace was just far too amusing to me.

Also, does it really hurt to look to other people (even on a message board) for a bit of consolation? Every human does it from time to time. Children when they get hurt go to their mothers for consolation, kids in school who do poorly on a test will go to their parents or friends for consolation, and when someone is feeling hard on themselves, they want consolation too.

How apropos that both of your examples involve children. A mature person knows that, if he mopes enough about how ugly and stupid and worthless he is, his friends will reflexively, almost robotically say "you're not ugly and stupid and worthless". The whole exchange is meaningless, the exercise is a waste of time that could be devoted to the improvement of your situation. It's annoying on principle-- like the girl who walks a party and starts crying about being fat, you're creating an obligation for people who don't really care to tell you you're wrong in saying all the things you're saying about yourself in order to avoid seeming like assholes. What you didn't count on is that this is the internet, and it's full of people who aren't afraid to seem like assholes.

Instead of debating whether or not this is a thread intended to acquire compliments, why don't you and Ophelia do the only things either of you are good at? Go ahead, tell me to fuck off and die. I really don't care.

I also play a mean game of badminton.

Gothicus is just mad because I trashed his thread and don't kiss his ass like 90% of the people here.

Am I the only one under the impression that a handful of people like me and everyone else thinks I'm a big jerk? I don't know where this everyone kissing my ass idea comes from.

You act as if I do this all the time, like fucking Signe or Mindless did.

No, dude, this is how I act the first time. The second? I don't even want to think about it.

[L'Oiseau Noir]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Noir, it's not a "fact" that I don't like you. You're insulting science by saying things like that.

Also--why is it every time I say something against you or disagreeing with you you claim it's because I don't like you wah wah wah. Did you ever consider that maybe I just...DISAGREE WITH YOU?

Not only that...I really do think you just want attention. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't say you're fishing for attention because I don't like you, but that I don't like you because you're fishing for attention?

NOT ONLY THAT, but mongooses and snakes have no bad feelings for each other! THEY'RE FUCKING ANIMALS, THEY DON'T HAVE PREJUDICES!!!


(and before you say "blah blah blah they fight you're dumb"--I fucking know that. My joke is still funny.)

Continue to believe what you want. I already said what had to be said. I really feel terrible about myself today, and was merely looking for consolation from my g.net friends, as I thought they would be the only ones who'd bother responding to a whine post made by me. The last thing I wanted was for random people on the board (most of who I hate with a scathing passion) to come pouring into this thread and telling me how awesome they think I am, or how irritating they find me, or whatever other opinions they hold of me. If they don't like the content, then they don't respond. It's as simple as that.

If they do reply to something they don't like the content of (I'm guilty of it), they're simply doing it for the sake of being mean-spirited toward the OP, and gaining a small kick and giggle out of it. This is just an ample opportunity for you and Gothicus, or anyone else, to strike someone while they're down. Otherwise you both wouldn't have gone out of your way to say it was a cry for attention, as you knew I'd combat you on it, and that others would join in on the fun and back you and him up because you both have more standing on this board than I do. And I know that. I know what's in store for me because of this thread.

But I digress. No one is going to believe me anyway, no matter how much I stress that point. So I won't bother. Go ahead. You and your friends can tear this thread apart as you intended, and send me scampering like Signe and Mindless. I was thinking of leaving G.net anyway, so it's all the better for you.

[Xombie]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

I also play a mean game of badminton.

I could kick your ass in badminton.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Xombie

I could kick your ass in badminton.

Sure you could. And mongooses and snakes are best friends!

[L'Oiseau Noir]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

That's true, actually. I am probably being especially harsh because I don't like you. The idea of you making this thread for the obvious purpose of gleaning positive attention from strangers, only to watch it gradually fall, neglected, into the oblivion of cyberspace was just far too amusing to me.

I know that.

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

How apropos that both of your examples involve children. A mature person knows that, if he mopes enough about how ugly and stupid and worthless he is, his friends will reflexively, almost robotically say "you're not ugly and stupid and worthless". The whole exchange is meaningless, the exercise is a waste of time that could be devoted to the improvement of your situation. It's annoying on principle-- like the girl who walks a party and starts crying about being fat, you're creating an obligation for people who don't really care to tell you you're wrong in saying all the things you're saying about yourself in order to avoid seeming like assholes. What you didn't count on is that this is the internet, and it's full of people who aren't afraid to seem like assholes.

No, in fact I expected this. You're always the first to jump on threads like this, so I anticipated being pounced from the beginning. I knew what I was getting myself into, but that didn't matter. Why? It helps me feel better after I've put myself down. Especially when I've written it down and can read it over.

And of course you're not afraid to be an asshole on the internet. No one is. Why? Because the other person can't slug them or cause them any harm.

In reality, most people who're assholes on the internet are quiet and keep to themselves in real life. I am. Nobody goes up to a stranger and tells them they think they're ugly, or that they suck, because the person doesn't know what the other is packing. It could be a knife, or even a gun for all the person knows.

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

I also play a mean game of badminton.

Badminton is for sissies. Rugby is a real sport.

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Am I the only one under the impression that a handful of people like me and everyone else thinks I'm a big jerk? I don't know where this everyone kissing my ass idea comes from.

From what I've observed, if you asked eighty percent of G.net to prostrate themselves so you could us them as stepping stones to get over a pool of mud, they'd do it in a heartbeat.

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

No, dude, this is how I act the first time. The second? I don't even want to think about it.

No, dude. This is how you act all the time.

[Wednesday Friday Addams]

Lulz at animals not having prejudices, You insult science.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by L'Oiseau Noir

And of course you're not afraid to be an asshole on the internet. No one is. Why? Because the other person can't slug them or cause them any harm.

In reality, most people who're assholes on the internet are quiet and keep to themselves in real life. I am. Nobody goes up to a stranger and tells them they think they're ugly, or that they suck, because the person doesn't know what the other is packing. It could be a knife, or even a gun for all the person knows.

Eh, conversation on the internet is totally different than conversation in reality. In reality, I typically only have lengthy conversations with my friends, who, by virtue of being my friends, are people I don't view as stupid or annoying. The nature of discussion boards is such that anything you post is submitted for review by everyone- online, I could be taking part in a pleasant conversation about how cool I am when someone jumps in and starts being all jealous, prompting me to respond; however, this would never happen in real life.
I feel what motivates people to conceal their opinions is less fear of physical retaliation and more respect for hierarchy. For instance, while I have no trouble telling my peers that they're morons, I would never say the same to my professor as she exerts influence over my career.

Badminton is for sissies. Rugby is a real sport.

Aw, did someone lose a badminton game?

From what I've observed, if you asked eighty percent of G.net to prostrate themselves so you could us them as stepping stones to get over a pool of mud, they'd do it in a heartbeat.

Well, then, my plan to take over the whole goth subculture seems to be progressing quite we- oops. I mean I love Bauhaus like you guys. Carry on.

[Wednesday Friday Addams]

I never knew you cared for her so much Gothicus.

[Dark Clarissa]

L'Oiseau Noir - you know I really empathise with how you're feeling at the moment. And take no notice of those who cannot empathise with a fellow human in distress. Perhaps you could thank them...no don't get angry...hear me out. Perhaps Gothicux and Ophelia have done you a favour by taking your mind off feeling sad and have made you feel angry instead. Anger can be very useful in pulling oneself out of a bad slump (talking from extensive experience), it can give you the impetus to turn things around.

If you ever want to vent and don't want to be subject to abuse when you do, feel free to PM me. And I've NEVER offered this to anyone before, so please take this in the spirit its intended.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Dark Clarissa

Perhaps Gothicux and Ophelia have done you a favour

Yeah, really I am giving you good advice disguised as biting insults. Belligerent self-disparagement is annoying, it'll just make everyone think you're whiny and irritating.

[L'Oiseau Noir]

Originally Posted by Dark Clarissa

L'Oiseau Noir - you know I really empathise with how you're feeling at the moment. And take no notice of those who cannot empathise with a fellow human in distress. Perhaps you could thank them...no don't get angry...hear me out. Perhaps Gothicux and Ophelia have done you a favour by taking your mind off feeling sad and have made you feel angry instead. Anger can be very useful in pulling oneself out of a bad slump (talking from extensive experience), it can give you the impetus to turn things around.

If you ever want to vent and don't want to be subject to abuse when you do, feel free to PM me. And I've NEVER offered this to anyone before, so please take this in the spirit its intended.

Thanks, I think I'll take you up on that offer soon. Unfortunately, when I tried to send you the message, you didn't have the option to do so. You may not have enabled private messaging (for the longest time I didn't either).

And you're right. Ophelia and Gothicus did do me a favor, now that I actually stopped and thought about it. I still feel upset, of course, but the anger is slowly canceling it out. I think I may just go to my X-Box 360 and kill shit to vent.

[L'Oiseau Noir]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Yeah, really I am giving you good advice disguised as biting insults. Belligerent self-disparagement is annoying, it'll just make everyone think you're whiny and irritating.

I suppose it'd make the poster annoying if they did it on a regular basis. And biting insults? I think not. I've had eight-year-olds say worse things to me. But in the middle of those long, "insulting" posts of yours Gothicus, as well as Ophelia's, you've achieved the exact opposite of what you'd hoped.

So, thanks. Because of the anger you instilled through your posts, it's slowly canceled the depression out, and helped me pull myself halfway out of the pit.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by L'Oiseau Noir

I've had eight-year-olds say worse things to me.

I wonder under what circumstances that happened.

you've achieved the exact opposite of what you'd hoped.

I've actually taken over club kids?

Seriously though, step back from the edge, you're starting to sound like Bella Sophia with all of this YOU WILL NOT REALIZE YOUR EVIL AIM, MY SPIRIT IS STRONG AND MY SADNESS WILL BE TRANSMUTED TO RAW FURY, I WILL NEVER LET ANYONE BREAK ME stuff. I was just mocking you, not trying to ruin your life.

[Wednesday Friday Addams]

Club kids?

[L'Oiseau Noir]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

I wonder under what circumstances that happened.

He was some brat I had to babysit. He didn't like something I said, then flew off the handle. Called me a bunch of names, threw stuff, and then, what shocked me the most, the little bastard told me to go get r.aped.

Just thought I'd clarify, so you'd stop wondering.

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

I've actually taken over club kids?

Seriously though, step back from the edge, you're starting to sound like Bella Sophia with all of this YOU WILL NOT REALIZE YOUR EVIL AIM, MY SPIRIT IS STRONG AND MY SADNESS WILL BE TRANSMUTED TO RAW FURY, I WILL NEVER LET ANYONE BREAK ME stuff. I was just mocking you, not trying to ruin your life.

When did I ever say that? I was being serious. The anger you gave me seriously helped me out of the depressive state I was in earlier. Halfway, but it did help.

If that makes me Bella Sophia, so be it. She's not a bad sort. I actually like her quite a bit. She's friendly, and likes anime. All I need.

[Dark Clarissa]

Ooh I think that I may need to have more posts in order to PM, sorry...