Hrm. More drivel.

[Versus]

More of an exercise in rhythm and syllable stress then expression, but I want to make sure I have a acceptable understanding before I implement it into something... more my style. As always, comments are appreciated.

She's stripped flowers of their petals,
wishes flown to the uncharted.
Strewn where memory then settles,
but alone with the departed.

Suffering a dull kind of pain,
her love was weighed and found wanting.
Weathering through her old life's rain,
echoes that persist their haunting.

Although still living, she's subdued
by duels of fear that will not tame.
She knows it's doubtful to conclude,
but brought low, it's war just the same.

Now witness the fall of her faith!
The loss of what she could revere!
A heart that cannot feel safe,
that beds with doubt without him near.

[Apathy's_Child]

I don't really like rhyme in present-day poetry, but this is definitely one of the better rhyming poems I've read on here in a while. I felt like the first stanza was the best, and towards the end it kind of slips into a ye olde world mode of speech that is one of my pet hates in poetry. No one talks like that anymore* and it always strikes me as annoyingly contrived. Also, you do know your syllable stress is totally off in places, right? If that's intentional, I really don't think it works - just makes it look like you're tried to write a formally tight poem and fucked it up. But you say this is just an excercise, and I'd definitely read more of your stuff if you posted it.

* Except Havelock.

[magnus13]

I gotta agree with Apathys child about the syllable stress. I kinda like "no one talks like that anymore" though.

[Versus]

tried to write a formally tight poem and fucked it up.

That's about right. My intent was to confine myself to a strict syllable count (which I succeeded in except for the second to last line), generally correct rhyme scheme (I know I didn't use perfect rhymes in lines 6/8 and 13/15), and to give rhythm and syllable stress a go, because I've never tried that before.

Do you think you could point out the discrepancies in syllable stress for me?

[Versus]

Hrm. After looking further into it, I think I found what threw me off. I did not see the bold~

There are two very simple rules about word stress:

1. One word has only one stress. (One word cannot have two stresses. If you hear two stresses, you hear two words. Two stresses cannot be one word. It is true that there can be a "secondary" stress in some words. But a secondary stress is much smaller than the main [primary] stress, and is only used in long words.)

2. We can only stress vowels, not consonants.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Versus, there is something that you should know concerning syllable stress.

It's true that a single word has only one primary stress in spoken English, but in poetry this rule does not necessarily apply. For instance, take a look at the following lines:

But then, his hands still firmly placed
Around the hilt to guide,
A sound outside forthwith replaced
His thoughts of suicide.

In spoken English, the word "suicide" has its stress on the first of its three syllables, while the other two are unstressed. However, in the poem above, you can see that both the first and third syllables of the word "suicide" are stressed. This alteration sounds natural because it blends with the established rhythm and it doesn't change the word's regular stress on the first syllable. It is often possible to "modify" stress in this way ~ particularly by stressing unstressed syllables. Thus, one word can have two stresses in poetry.

[Versus]

Originally Posted by TheFeatheredÆtheling

Versus, there is something that you should know concerning syllable stress.

It's true that a single word has only one primary stress in spoken English, but in poetry this rule does not necessarily apply. For instance, take a look at the following lines:

But then, his hands still firmly placed
Around the hilt to guide,
A sound outside forthwith replaced
His thoughts of suicide.

In spoken English, the word "suicide" has its stress on the first of its three syllables, while the other two are unstressed. However, in the poem above, you can see that both the first and third syllables of the word "suicide" are stressed. This alteration sounds natural because it blends with the established rhythm and it doesn't change the word's regular stress on the first syllable. It is often possible to "modify" stress in this way ~ particularly by stressing unstressed syllables. Thus, one word can have two stresses in poetry.

Hrm. What about words with only one syllable? Can they alternate stress depending on the established rhythm?

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Originally Posted by Versus

Hrm. What about words with only one syllable? Can they alternate stress depending on the established rhythm?

Definitely. One-syllable words are generally stressed or unstressed depending upon their importance in the sentence and upon the established rhythm. I'm not sure about the formal rules, but I can tell you that articles, prepositions, auxiliary verbs, and prefixes tend to be unstressed in speech but can be stressed in poetry to conform to the metre. On the other hand, non-pronoun subjects, descriptive words of all kinds (adjectives and adverbs), and action verbs are usually stressed because they are "more important" than the aforementioned "grammatical words".

When a syllable is stressed within a word, such as the "SA" in the word "SAbre", you cannot ever unstress this syllable even in a poem (ie, "saBRE" is always incorrect and will break your rhythm). With one-syllable words, it depends on the context, but they can often be stressed or unstressed in a poem. For example see the word "to" in the following example, and notice how it can be either stressed or unstressed:

...to GIVE my LOVE to YOU...

...aSCENding TO the SKY...

As I said, prepositions are *usually* unstressed but can be stressed in poetry without any problems so long as the more important words in the line remain stressed.

I wanted to draw your attention to something in your poem. The first line in a stanza is especially important because it establishes the rhythm. When a line begins with multiple one-syllable words, it can be difficult to tell which words are stressed. (Honestly, syllable stress can go either way sometimes.) Thus, it's always best to begin a poem with a line wherein the rhythm is chrystal-clear. Take a look at your first stanza (I've added stress):

SHE'S stripped FLOWers OF their PEtals,
WISHes FLOWN to THE unCHARTed.
STREWN where MEmoRY then SETtles,
BUT aLONE with THE dePARTed.

This is a really nice stanza, but it has one weakness. I was thrown off at first because the stress would ordinarily be on the word "stripped" since being an action verb it's more important/descriptive than the pronoun/auxiliary verb contraction "she's". Thus, at first, it looked to me like:

...she's STRIPPED FLOWers...

Compare the following which (from the standpoint of rhythm) makes your desired stress pattern much clearer to the reader:

STRIPping FLOWers OF their PEtals...

-ing is almost never stressed; you'd never say "stripPING"; thus, your poem's rhythm is established in a much clearer, simpler fashion (though it would be preferrable to have a subject; that's a different topic).

Anyway, this post is quite long enough. By the way, do take a look at my blog when you get a chance; I've uploaded some recent poetry that you may find interesting. I'd appreciate your criticism as well.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Versus

That's about right. My intent was to confine myself to a strict syllable count (which I succeeded in except for the second to last line), generally correct rhyme scheme (I know I didn't use perfect rhymes in lines 6/8 and 13/15), and to give rhythm and syllable stress a go, because I've never tried that before.

Do you think you could point out the discrepancies in syllable stress for me?

Sorry......... beenn away and a little drunk right now. I'll definitely do this later though, if you're interested, when my attention span is more up to spped. Like I said, although I'm not really a fan of this kind of poem, I do think it's one of the beter of its own kind that I've seen on here.

[Versus]

I would very much appreciate that.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Originally Posted by Versus

I would very much appreciate that.

Apathy, pray give me this honour... Versus, here is the natural stress pattern as I read the poem. I've highlighted areas which have rhythm issues.

she's STRIPPED FLOWers OF their PEtals,
WISHes FLOWN to THE unCHARted.
STREWN where MEmoRY then SETtles,
BUT aLONE with THE dePARted.

SUFfer-ing a DULL KIND of PAIN,
her LOVE was WEIGHED and FOUND WANting.
WEAther-ing THROUGH her OLD life's RAIN, *possible but inconsistent*
ECHoes that perSIST their HAUNting.

alTHOUGH still LIVing, SHE'S subDUED
by DUELS of FEAR that WILL not TAME.
she KNOWS it's DOUBTful TO conCLUDE,
but BROUGHT LOW, it's WAR just the SAME.

now WITness the FALL of her FAITH! *possible but not ideal*
the LOSS of WHAT she COULD reVERE!
a HEART that CANnot FEEL SAFE,
that BEDS with DOUBT withOUT him NEAR.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Versus, I realise that I made an error. Your eighth line works fine because the word "that" can be stressed. The line can be read as:

E-choes THAT perSIST their HAUNting.

[Versus]

Plagiarism!





Well, that's just all messed up, isn't it? Thank you very much!

[scream_qween]

i like it, and in my opinion the best style is always (if not most of the time) origional, so ya i like this... its just like yes!!! ^^