Do I have the right to be mad?

Renatus · 04-16-2010, 09:08 PM

So I was cheated on by my girlfriend. Unfortunately as soon as I found out I forgave her, before I really should have. Do I have the right to take back forgiveness? do I have the right to be mad? Am I right to want her to feel sorry for what she did.

Ben Lahnger · 04-16-2010, 09:30 PM

Why did you forgive her so fast? Was the idea of wanting to make her pay a bit always in your head from the moment you found out she cheated, or did it only pop in there once you were fairly certain you could keep the relationship going with her?

KontanKarite · 04-16-2010, 09:35 PM

Dump her. That simple. You still forgive her, but DUMP her. You deserve better.

Ben Lahnger · 04-16-2010, 09:40 PM

While that is eminently true, it's not where his heart is. Otherwise, he wouldn't be here asking. He may deserve better, but he does not (apparently) want better. But Kontan, you are right.

Renatus, if you want to keep a relationship with this woman (and I can't see why), then it just poisons the relationship to punish her or make her feel bad for her actions.

There was a time when such behavior WAS considered shameful. But ever since the advent of Jerry Springer, I learned many people have no shame about all sorts of bad behavior that would simply mortify me.

If she doesn't feel bad about her behavior on her own, without any impetus from you, run away as fast as you can. If she does feel genuinely bad, don't pile on ... and get about the business of healing the wounds. You'll need to have a conversation about trust, and that won't be easy. But you need to get that done because you can't hold onto this.

KontanKarite · 04-16-2010, 09:44 PM

Well... I'm not him. But that's what I would do if someone broke the terms of our relationship in some way.

Entropic · 04-16-2010, 09:46 PM

Honestly, I agree with Kontan. I spent a year on a cheating relationship that only resulted in me being miserable. Sometimes cheating in a relationship can be resolved, but I've never seen it happen.

That being said, if you want to stay with her, then I wouldn't take back your forgiveness. If you do, she'll never be able to trust whether you've forgiven her, and you'll never be able to trust whether she has forgiven you.

Take some time to cool your feelings, then go talk to her about how you feel. Be honest and truthful, even if it hurts.

Saya · 04-16-2010, 10:09 PM

If you really do forgive her, thats okay, but its also okay to say that while you forgive her, you need time to deal with it and it doesn't make it all better. Don't do something to punish her, but if you're upset, yes you have the right to be upset.

vindicatedxjin · 04-16-2010, 11:19 PM

Dude, been there done that, I think in the end it's best to both take some time off. Obviously she doesn't really know what she wants, because she was confused enough to make the choice of messin with another guy. It's better for you and her in the long run. She's just gonna end up feeling guilty all the time. And you're not gonna be able to trust her like you did before..

gothicusmaximus · 04-17-2010, 12:17 AM

If the question "Do I have the right to be mad that the woman with whom I understood myself to be in an exclusive relationship let some other asshole stick his penis in her?" is giving you trouble, instead ask yourself "Do I have testicles at all?". They conveniently have the same answer.
Dump this bitch.

Still Jack · 04-17-2010, 01:52 AM

Completely disregarding the situation with you and your girlfriend. In my opinion, you always have the right to be pissed off. I mean if your denying your right to have feelings I mean that's pretty fucking stupid no?

Solumina · 04-17-2010, 02:50 PM

You obviously didn't actually forgive her, forgiveness takes a lot more than a few words. She should feel sorry for what she did, and you are entitled to be both mad and hurt, but don't treat her like crap, that isn't the way to move past this. If you can't truly forgive her then this relationship with never work so you need to spend a little time thinking about whether or not you can do that.

Catch · 04-17-2010, 08:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Renatus

So I was cheated on by my girlfriend. Unfortunately as soon as I found out I forgave her, before I really should have. Do I have the right to take back forgiveness? do I have the right to be mad? Am I right to want her to feel sorry for what she did.

I'm so happy to hear you have a girlfriend.

Entropic · 04-17-2010, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catch

I'm so happy to hear you have a girlfriend.

To quote Onyxia Wipe, WHAT THE FUCK?

JCC · 04-17-2010, 11:22 PM

Don't listen to these backbiting assholes, people slip up and people inevitably do shit that they regret, running for the exit like a bull in a china shop would suggest that perhaps you two weren't cut out in the first place. Obviously if you can tell that there is something irreconcilable bubbling under the surface then end it, but don't rush into a decision that runs contrary to your feelings just because the traditional response to adultery as dictated by some people on the internet is zero tolerance. I wouldn't worry about 'taking back' forgiveness either: you never really gave it, you just made it clear that you weren't intending to cut her loose. Forgiveness will come with time and most likely won't be rescinded. Talk to her about it and find out what the problem was/is.

Catch · 04-18-2010, 12:15 AM

I say leave her before you go on vacation and return home only to find she slept with all your friends and you find yourself in an interesting position with a close friend after drinking too much one night.

Ben Lahnger · 04-18-2010, 09:29 AM

Clearly, this is the wrong place to ask for relationship advice. There are some good suggestions in here, but the signal to noise ratio is horrible.

Renatus · 04-18-2010, 09:54 AM

Sorry I cant be a very avid responder right now, but just yesterday my grandfather fell again and is now on life support. Two people possibly lost in one day, what a weekend.

Catch · 04-18-2010, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Renatus

Sorry I cant be a very avid responder right now, but just yesterday my grandfather fell again and is now on life support. Two people possibly lost in one day, what a weekend.

Sorry to hear about your grandfather. Not so sorry about your ex.

Entropic · 04-18-2010, 10:37 AM

I wish you the best of luck. Honestly.

Ben Lahnger · 04-18-2010, 10:42 AM

I am very sorry to hear this news. I hope your grandfather recovers quickly, and is hale and whole soon.

Altemese · 04-18-2010, 08:48 PM

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. But I'm going to be very blunt about this.... DUMP HER ASS LIKE A SACK OF PATATOES. Hope you will be fine. <3

Renatus · 04-18-2010, 09:22 PM

My grandfather is going to die, we know that for certain now, we're merely trying to make his last moments as pleasant as possible now. But this makes my resolve to find a solution to the relationship problem all the stronger, I cant save my grandfather, but at least I can save a love that has made me happier than I have ever been, well maybe except for the times I've been with my grandfather.

On the bright side in order to cheer everyone, all my aunts and uncles and cousins who were presant went to this one restaurant that serves extremely spicy chicken wings(150,00 on the scoville scale). I managed to get two down before it made my stomach so gassy I couldn't eat anything due to a need to burp. Needless to say, the trickiest part was holding it because aside from being spicy they were also very hot, I suppose this whole current predicament also served to help numb the psychological effect of the spice.

Now if you've never had anything really spicy before and/or you dont understand the scoville scale, Tobasco sauce is merely an 8000 on the scale. The spiciest somthing can get is 16,000,000 and that is pure Capsaicin, and pepper spray is a mere 5,000,000 in comparison, the spiciest pepper is 1/5 of that. So I've got a good start on my way up the spiciness scale if I ever get crazy enough to try the spiciest pepper.

Saya · 04-18-2010, 10:23 PM

I'm so sorry about your grandfather, I hope his last moments are peaceful.

As for spice, I tried habanero sauce before and nearly died (I had an itty bitty tiny drop on a french fry), thats the most I could ever handle (although its the second hottest pepper, so still pretty good). I eat hot foods all the fricken time, but it made me cry. I couldn't taste a thing for days afterwards.

I would love to try peri peri, apparently the hotness is delayed so you can actually eat the food before you get knocked over.

Corpsey · 04-19-2010, 02:01 AM

I suggest Prik Kee Noo. The name means "mouse poop chilli", which is what it looks like. I only tried some as a kid, but It almost blew the bollocks off me.

I feel your sentiments as something similar is happening in my family at the moment.

As for your original topic, I would say you definitely have the right to be angered and cautious towards her but using that anger to make her feel worse won't assist a relationship whatsoever. If she had the balls to tell you then she will expect some sort or emotional dismay from you but don't let it hang between the two of you for too long or it will cause more damage than instant forgiveness.

Anarasha · 04-19-2010, 03:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

If the question "Do I have the right to be mad that the woman with whom I understood myself to be in an exclusive relationship let some other asshole stick his penis in her?" is giving you trouble, instead ask yourself "Do I have testicles at all?". They conveniently have the same answer.
Dump this bitch.

For once in my entire time on GNet, I agree 100% with you on something gothicus.