INT. THE WATERING HOLE, BAR - NIGHT
Welcome to The Watering Hole, your typical lower-class bar in Louisville, Kentucky.
DESPANAN, a bearded, drunk, badly dressed man approaches the bar, and orders a beer. He has the appearance of a tramp or mountain wildman.
DESPANAN begins to talk to
JAKE, the Barman.
DESPANAN
(angry, drunk)
I gotta tell you Jake... Kelpy seems to think that he's "Made me into what he is"... *hic*...and if it helps him sleep at night he can go right ahead and think it... *hic*...it won't make it *blech*... true. Just like stealing the words of people smarter than you won't actually make you smart or...*flatulence* interesting.
JAKE looks at
DESPANAN while cleaning a glass but says nothing.
DESPANAN looks into his beer deep in thought.
DESPANAN
Martian Law was only... *hic*... implimented as a fun way to piss off Helpmann and Co.
JAKE
What the hell are you talking about?
DESPANAN
(aggressive)
I didn't think I'd ... *hic*...have to spell this out, but since you still don't seem to get it: Martian Law was only implimented as a fun... *hic*... way to piss off Helpmann and Co. and piss them off it did). It was only ever used in worthless threads they dedicated to their own... *blech*... vanity. There were no purposes for those threads existing, and they would have been deleted if we... *hic*... had any sort ... *hic*...of Moderation on that forum.
JAKE
(angry, curious)
Don't take that tone with me. Threads? Forums? Helpmann? What the fuck are you blabbering about? Is this an interenet thing?
DESPANAN
(ignoring Jake)
As I've said before, if Helpmann is attending RADA (big if, as... *hic*... everything else he's said up to this point has pretty much been a lie or a half-truth) I can assure you he's not... *hic*... working. He wouldn't have this level of time if he was... *hic*... actually cast in any kind of serious show, even a school show.
JAKE
(concerned)
Ok, I think you've had just a bit too much to drink now sir. I think it's time you went home.
DESPANAN
(riled up)
Home? I have no home. Hunted! Despised! Living like an animal. The jungle is my home. But I will show the Gnet that I can be its master. I will perfect my own race of people, a race of atomic Martian Warriors which will conquer Gnet!
JAKE
(fed up)
Right that's it. This is the final straw.
JAKE gestures two large large customers, who roughly take DESPANAN and escort him outside.
DESPANAN is kicking and screaming, refusing to go quietly.
DESPANAN
(screaming)
You fools! You don't understand! When I was working on ... *hic*...Trojan Women ... *hic*...while in college, my day was "Get up and go to... *hic*... class at ten am, stay till five, then rehearsal till ten pm, stagger home, eat, pass out, do it ... *hic*...again the next day. When I moved... *hic*... on to professional theatre it got worse. The days went from twelve to sixteen hour days. My last job... *hic*... had me working eighty hours a week on various shows. I'm a fucking star! I have groupies!
JAKE
(authoritative)
That was a long time ago. Stop living in the past. Now get out of here and don't come back till you've sorted your head out. Got it? Internet forums and Martian Wars indeed - sort it out! If you come in here drunk again there will be trouble. Mark my fucking words. Now get out of my bar.
DESPANAN manages to break free of the two large men and jumps accross the bar, grabbing
JAKE by the scruff of the neck.
DESPANAN
(demented)
I'm a Information Terrorist... *belch*... you ignorant fuck! MARK MY WORDS: Martian Law is easy, fun, and effective. Smart people... *flatulence*... get it, and the stupid and uptight just look stupid when they rail against it. I call that a win! DO YOU HEAR ME... *hic*...?
Before
JAKE can answer
DESPANAN has been wrestled to the ground by the two large customers.
JAKE
(smug)
That's it, you're barred for life son. I aint no god damned psychatrist, and you're intimidating my customers every time you come in here. If I see you around here again I'm calling the cops.
DESPANAN is dragged away, kicking and screaming like an angry drunk.
DESPANAN
(laughing like a madman)
I'm placing you on ignore again Jake, do you hear me? I'M PLACING YOU ON IGNORE AGAIN... *hic*...!
The two large customers drag
DESPANAN outside.
DESPANAN vomits.
JAKE laughs to himself and continues to clean his glasses.
FADE OUT.
Helpmann's Story Central
