Darkling

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Darkling


Long ago, there lived a "Darkling"
~ Rad'iant maiden; eyes a'sparkling ~
Like a princess, crowned in grace,
With an angel's tranquil face.
...Youthful skin as white as snow...
...Hair so black, 'twould shame a crow.

Yet the girl ~ the guileless lass ~
Received but malice from her class.
Though she often wondered why
Her peers would desper'ately try
To put her through such misery,
The reason, she could never see.

Oft' the mark of vicious sport
~ All alone with no retort ~
Suff'ring bitter, cruel remarks
...Swarming foes like hungry sharks.

In time, howe'er, such takes its toll,
And rage begins to taint the soul.
Though on the surface, naught was strange,
The precious girl began to change...

A figure ~ foul and wicked wight ~
Began to visit her by night.
Through the shadows, nimbly sneaking,
In the dark, she heard it speaking:

"Darkling... Darkling... Lying there;
Silent girl with pitch-black hair...
From the threshhold, through the cracks,
I have seen thy peers' attacks.
How they hate thee... Canst thou see?
'Tis time to act; attend to me..."

At first, good Darkling tried to fight
The whisp'ring voice she heard at night.
But as the people in her life
Filled her heart renewed with strife,
She began to lend her ear
Unto that thing which would appear.

It spoke of vengence ~ bloody crimes ~
Tempting her a hundred times
With ideas that should not pass
Amidst the thought-train of a lass.
"Hate them! Hate them!" said the voice;
"Do the deed; thou hast no choice..."

Fin'lly yeilding; filled with rage,
~ Her mind ensnared in vengence' cage ~
Darkling crept into the night
To fetch a scythe with field-blade bright.
In the shed, she found the tool,
Forthwith leaving towards her school.

Swiftly moved she from her lair
'Long the dusty thoroughfare.
Streams of moon-light led her way
Toward the place 'her targets lay!

So resolved, young Darkling ran,
She overlooked a hooded man
Standing there in sombre cloak.
At once, the mystic stranger spoke:

"Mi'lady, lovely girl, I fear
To ponder what you're doing here.
A brooding darkness clings around you
Like some devil's spell has bound you."

Darkling halted... silent... list'ning...
Blade in hand, in starlight glist'ning.

"I've been sent", the man resuming,
"...Charged to warn of danger looming.
Though you've suffered cruel contempt,
None from Judgement is exempt.
To those who tread the paths of Hell:
'Beware the shade of Azrael...'

Listen to me, precious maiden!
~ Heart of suff'rings, heavy-laden ~
Did you know that all your pain
Has not been undergone in vain?
My Lord ~ the Prince ~ has seen the way
You've clung to virtue ev'ry day.
Searching long for one like you
Whose soul is noble, kind, and true;
He will take you as His bride,
Should you cast this sin aside."

Tears of passion filled her eyes
Dispelling Darkling's vi'lent guise.
"Yes, my Lord", the maiden said,
"Guide me toward what lies ahead."

Not a one would dare disparage
Whom the Prince would wed in marriage.
Like a treasure, she was treated
~ In the place of honour seated ~

Found she, how the Prince adored her!
Ever showing kindness toward her.
Thus, the girl was freed, at last,
From the sadness of her past.
Ne'er again, did Darkling hide,
But shined unchecked with joy and pride.

[allyssa]

.I love the story within the verse,
it opens up a universe
although I do hate the rhyming
it suits your poem with good timing

the rhymes are far from cliched
I love the vivid images displayed
the beautiful redemption at the end
makes me want a brand new pen..

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Ah, Allyssa! That's very creative of you! I'm very impressed that you'd take the time to write your criticism as a poem.

Take a look at this, Allyssa. I made a few revisions to your poem to make the rhythm more precise. I realize that you probably composed this hastily so please don't be offended by my adjustments. I'd just like to be of help to you as a fellow poet if I can. Read each syllable in my revision carefully out loud, and you'll find that each syllable is stressed and unstressed back and forth (and I used a more accurate rhyming pair at the end because "end" and "pen" are a little sloppy). This "A,B,A,B,A,B,A,B..." rhythm is a simple one, but it works quite well; there are many others too such as "A,B,A,A,B,A,A,B,A,A,B,...". Understanding stressed and unstressed syllables is a simple "secret" that most people ~ even those that write poetry ~ don't understand. This understanding is SUCH a powerful tool for any poet; its value cannot be overestimated. Have a look, and see what you think:

I love the story in the verse
Which opens up a universe,
Although I truly hate the rhyming,
You, at least, have used good timing.

The rhymes I see are not cliched;
I love the image'ry displayed: ("image'ry" works technically but is forced)
And how your work's redempive ending,
Hopeful messages is sending. (kind of awkward, but you get the point)

From a technical standpoint, rhythm is the backbone of a poem. Both rhyming and elegant language are rather futile without rhythm. Keep writing, Allysa; and thank you very much for your comment.

[JCC]

I like that a poem which actually emphasises the merits of good timing has absolutely no rhythm.

[Apathy's_Child]

I have a problem with the dated form and subject matter. Creativity is wasted on poems that functionally have nothing to do with your own reality - both the form and content you're using are rehashed from a completely different time to your own.

This isn't bad compared to many of the similar poems posted here, but if you want suggestions, drop the rigid form and just write honestly about something that's happened to you. I don't mean break-ups or any of that other cliched shit - try picking an incident from your everyday life. If it makes a good anecdote, it has the beginnings of a good poem. I think that's a good place to start.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Thank you very much Apathy. I'm glad to finally get a comment from you, and I appreciate your criticism of my poem. You're right; my style itself is blatantly anachronistic and will consequently repel some people immediately.

However, the content doesn't necessarily "have nothing to do with our reality" in my opinion. You probably just read it once, and that's completely fine. However, this poem has a second layer of meaning beyond the faerytale that I've explained below in this post. The question is: will people see what it is that I'm really trying to say, or will it come off as a buch of stuffy nonsense? I love works of literature that have multiple layers of meaning as long as they're not too cryptic. This story itself is on the surface archaic as you suggest (I've tried to avoid making it too cliche but still read like a classic faery tale), but I think that the underlying themes and message of the poem could be applicable to many people, even today.

As for my dated writing style, some may appreciate it for its nostalgia (I hope). I know it's not at all in style, but is "rigid" poetry such a bad thing? As an extra limitation, stubborn rigidity in poetry is probably more time-consuming to compose in the long run, but such a poem does have a unique sound that makes it stand out in an era wherein art tends to be quite loose and spontaneous.

For anyone who is curious about what this poem's message is: Many moral and symbolic themes can be found within this poem, but there is one that is paramount. Like so many classical works which I love, this poem contains a Biblical message. It's actually an allegory of a human being's struggle through the "sore travail" known as "life". Darkling (whose name might suggest one who is blind) finds herself in an imperfect, broken world and is tempted by the Devil to give in to bitterness and revenge (sin). The hooded messenger who she meets along the road toward damnation is an angel reminding Darkling that she is on the path of destruction but that the Prince of the land (symbolizing God ~ notice that the pronouns which refer to Him are always capitalized; this is a pretty good hint at Who The Prince is supposed to represent, I think) knows her suffering and seeks to take her to paradise with him if she will turn from her present path.

I have no way to know how many people this kind of thing will actually appeal to yet, but thank you very much for your insights. I've definitely got some useful feedback so far. Please comment on any of my contributions whenever you want to.

[Angelic Dissonance]

As one quite given to an anarchistic free-form, so loosely formed as to occasionably be utterly incomprehensible to those outside my sphere of mental process, I find such anachronistic form and rigid structure to be a breath of fresh air.

In many of my 'poems', the subject is analyzed(usually some VERY abstract thought and feelings), and the appropriate metaphors illustrate them in a way that resembles 'Process of Thought' peices.

Of course, the Rational type don't dig, yo' mean? And it makes it difficult--then again, I've got some quite ordered poems, which I may dig up and post here for critique and compliment(the latter, I was joking. That? Here??Lol)--to find a receptive audience. Of course, while typing these sentiments, I came to realize that the intended audience was The Different Levels of Me. The ones composed for a real audience, are.

Perhaps if I go back over them, I may learn something about myself, or realize that I was saying something I didn't realize.

In any case, I think your poems are lovely, Aetheling. And, as one who all too well knows the fallibility of human nature, I place that ephemeral beauty, which you brought to my eyes over a sea of digital information--words and phrases and thoughts that were never completed, or that are meaningless--over Ambition; necessary to complete works for others rather than solely for yourself.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Hmmm... That's actually pretty confusing to me, Angelic. Your eccentric posts always baffle me to some extent, but I know that I've already mentioned it. Like you though, I'm intrigued at the idea of looking back into my own creations in hopes of better understanding myself. It's probably a largely futile pursuit in my case, but it is interesting nonetheless.

For example, my parents saved my drawings from the time I was about four years old. I have a large file cabinet full of them. My earliest drawings have an almost Hieronymus Bosch level of detail, and looking at them today is very mysterious to me. Many of the objects are recognizable, but there are some of them that I simply cannot figure out for the life of me. These objects are however very carefully and deliberately drawn and were clearly intended to be "somethings" at one point. ...I'll probably never know. As someone who is interested in writing and illustrating children's books, these early drawings of mine provide insights into my own interests and ideas as they were during my childhood. I'm so thankful to my parents for saving them; most children's book authors/artists probably do not have such a resource.

And of course, thanks for the compliment, Angelic; I'm glad that you enjoyed the poem. I'll be glad to provide some thoughts on any poems that you'd like to post.

[ape descendant]

I enjoyed it very much. Its always nice to get to read poetry that was originally written in English.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Thank you very much, Miss Descendant.

[ape descendant]

You should totally write a children's book and illustrate it.... it would be cool!!

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by TheFeatheredÆtheling

However, the content doesn't necessarily "have nothing to do with our reality" in my opinion. You probably just read it once, and that's completely fine. However, this poem has a second layer of meaning beyond the faerytale that I've explained below in this post. The question is: will people see what it is that I'm really trying to say, or will it come off as a buch of stuffy nonsense? I love works of literature that have multiple layers of meaning as long as they're not too cryptic. This story itself is on the surface archaic as you suggest (I've tried to avoid making it too cliche but still read like a classic faery tale), but I think that the underlying themes and message of the poem could be applicable to many people, even today.

I'm not trying to say that messages shouldn't be communicated through metaphor, imagery and general artistic license taken with concrete reality; this, after all, is essentially what literature IS. I just think that making these devices more relevant to your personal reality, and stripping away such overt imitation of other work, will allow you to find an original voice of your own much more easily.

The problem with the style of poetry you're using it that in a sense, it's kind of like the biblical and fairytale elements it apes: so done to death, that genuine contribution is now difficult. Even revision has been flogged to death. Your options are pretty much limited to iconoclasm or parody (see Snow White Zombie further down in this section for a good example of reworking these themes into something relevant, utilizing a fresh approach).

Short version: I'm of the mind that imitation alone is not a valid contribution to any given style or general body of work. If you can't add to it, maybe it's time to look elsewhere for inspiration.

Originally Posted by TheFeatheredÆtheling

As for my dated writing style, some may appreciate it for its nostalgia (I hope). I know it's not at all in style, but is "rigid" poetry such a bad thing? As an extra limitation, stubborn rigidity in poetry is probably more time-consuming to compose in the long run, but such a poem does have a unique sound that makes it stand out in an era wherein art tends to be quite loose and spontaneous.

I'd say the exact opposite is true - people writing in these dated styles are a dime a dozen. If you like writing in this way, that's cool, but there really is nothing unique about it.

Originally Posted by TheFeatheredÆtheling

For anyone who is curious about what this poem's message is: Many moral and symbolic themes can be found within this poem, but there is one that is paramount. Like so many classical works which I love, this poem contains a Biblical message. It's actually an allegory of a human being's struggle through the "sore travail" known as "life". Darkling (whose name might suggest one who is blind) finds herself in an imperfect, broken world and is tempted by the Devil to give in to bitterness and revenge (sin). The hooded messenger who she meets along the road toward damnation is an angel reminding Darkling that she is on the path of destruction but that the Prince of the land (symbolizing God ~ notice that the pronouns which refer to Him are always capitalized; this is a pretty good hint at Who The Prince is supposed to represent, I think) knows her suffering and seeks to take her to paradise with him if she will turn from her present path.

Tired, man. If you really need to tell that story AGAIN, at least create an interesting concept for the story. There's a Bataille (I think - I read it years ago) story where the protagonist meets a prostitute who turns out to be God - this kind of thing is itself now slightly tired, but it does give an idea of the ways in which such stories can be retold with new twists.

Originally Posted by TheFeatheredÆtheling

I have no way to know how many people this kind of thing will actually appeal to yet, but thank you very much for your insights. I've definitely got some useful feedback so far. Please comment on any of my contributions whenever you want to.

No worries. Thanks for not getting butt-hurt, complaining about rudeness then finishing off with "well literature is subjective anyway, so FUCK OFF"

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Thanks again, Apathy. Those are excellent points. I've never studied literature formally (my degree is fine art); thus I've read only for pleasure. Of course, this means that my literary experience is very limited and my perspective is skewed. Your comments have changed my mindset somewhat though. I realize that I probably have little hope of appealing to today's... I don't know what you'd call it... today's critical authorities of English literature. Poetry itself seems to be a somewhat dead art. Beside its use as musical lyrics, poetry has very limited appeal.

I must mention though that poetry has always been popular in children's literature (Dr. Seuss' books have been popular since their creation, for instance). Perhaps with its rhythm and rhyme poetry aids in reading, and children seem to enjoy its form. If I can successfully combine poetry ~ even my dated sort ~ with lively illustrations that would captivate today's children, they might be receptive to it. Here is an example of one of my character designs that children might like:

As an audience, children are often overlooked, but I don't need to delve into how important they are here... My humble opinion is that children's entertainment is sh!tty as hell these days. Usually, the artwork is intentionally ugly, the humour is crude and unsophisticated, morals are rare and cliche when present, and the pace (especially of the TV shows) could be described as a manic onslaught of stimulation. I suspect that hours of this kind of insanity might be a significant contributor to ADD in today's children.

Anyway, even if my poetry is too tired to be a viable contribution to adult literature, I want to create something edifying that would appeal to children at least; and with them, I think that I might have a chance.

[allyssa]

I dislike meaning entirely..... their is nothing to discover in the literal...it does not change shape when read in different moods..I have read your poem over several times and it is like a statue as opposed to a river....although every time I read it I cry.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Allyssa, that's a very interesting post. I'm not sure what you mean, but I'm definitely flattered that you've read my poem several times and that it makes you cry. Are you saying that you dislike my message behind the poem but that you like the faerytale story of the girl on the surface?

[Apathy's_Child]

Cool sketch. Yeah, I guess innovation becomes less important than simpler storytelling if you're going for children as your audience.

I wouldn't say poetry is so much a dead art form as more accessible one, with proportionately less exceptional work to be found. Kind of like the novel in recent years (although plenty of people would probably disagree with that opinion). But I do think the art form didn't start fading in vitality until long after the period of the style you're imitating, and there ARE good poets at work today. If you'd like to read some good modern poetry, I'd be happy to make some recommendations, or I guess you could even start a thread asking for some.

[lady_cthulhu]

I love it! It's a very pretty poem, TheFeatheredAetheling. I think most of us have had the experience you described at least once in our lives (being picked on for being different). It's almost cathartic in that aspect.

I also think I understand your second meaning - the girl gives into the temptation of Evil, but is saved from making a fatal mistake (leading to an eternity of suffering, not just a lifetime) by accepting the love of the Prince of Peace (a parable for Jesus, yes?). Am I right? Or am I totally smoking the poetic ganja?

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Apathy, I really should read some good modern poetry; there's no excuse for me not to. Doing so would broaden my perspective whether or not I incorporated direct aspects of it into my own. I'm not sure if it's necessary for me to create an entire new thread though. What are a few that you'd recommend as examples of poems that are considered good by today's crytics? If I may, are you a writing/literature major?

And Lady Cthulhu, your interpretation of this poem's second meaning is correct.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by TheFeatheredÆtheling

Apathy, I really should read some good modern poetry; there's no excuse for me not to. Doing so would broaden my perspective whether or not I incorporated direct aspects of it into my own. I'm not sure if it's necessary for me to create an entire new thread though. What are a few that you'd recommend as examples of poems that are considered good by today's crytics? If I may, are you a writing/literature major?

I was supposed to be, but didn't finish my first year for various reasons (some related to me being a dick, a few not..... well, maybe just the one). Being a little older and wiser, I'm looking to return to studying, not so much for myself - without wanting to sound up my own ass, I pretty much know I would ace any literature course they cared to set me now, purely due to the scope of my reading - but because it'd be nice to earn a little more than minimum wage at some point in my life.

But anyway, off the top of my head, poets you might enjoy: I'm a pretty big fan of Ted Hughes, and you may find you like him too - he uses iconoclasm towards religious emblems and biblical imagery a lot, as well as his own mythic creations and weird little parable-like stories. His most famous collection, Crow, is by no means the sum of his work, but will definitely give you an idea of whether you like his style.

William Carlos Williams is excellent, some of Allen Ginsberg's stuff is good (here's a link to him reading one of his more well-known poems to ease you in: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEUjTpyBhOo). Personally I'm a big fan of Philip Larkin as well. Frank O' Hara and Lawrence Ferlenghetti have written some amazing stuff. And I think you might enjoy some of Wallace Stevens' imagery in particular.

Those are the ones that spring to mind for now - I was more specific in recommending Hughes' stuff because you can't just browse online, but you should be able to find a lot of work by most of the others with a quick google search. I'll come back if I think of anyone else.

[JCC]

Hey Apathy, you made it through a whole post without blowing Ezra Pound at all.

[Apathy's_Child]

Don't get too excited, I'm just easing him in before "A Few Don't's" gets the inevitable plug.