New Joke thread

[CptSternn]

A lad gets a new job at the railroad. Second day at work he rings his mate to tell him what a grand time he is having. He tells him on his first day, he found a naked girl tied to the tracks. He then goes on to tell how he took her home, have sex with her all night in every postition. His mate tells him, sounds like a good time! Was she pretty? He tells his mate, dunno, never found her head...

[MrMaelstrom]

My weekly UK Hello magazine ripoff:

"Women smell good. They look pretty. I love
women. I do." - Tom Cruise.
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
26.05.05 ISSUE 257
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com

Popbitch delivered to you thanks to Pure
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* How to snowball your loved one
* Dermot Reeve holds his end up
* Charts: Crazy Frog is number one
-----------------------------------------------------


Popbitch would like to apologise to Mr Mohamed
Al Fayed and his family for any offence caused in
last week's edition. We have since been informed
that the story we ran was wholly untrue and
without substance. So once again we apologise to
the Fayed family.


>> Eurovision turns to the dark side <<
Festival of Euro-camp suddenly gets serious

The 50th Eurovision song contest was a triumph for
the new, vibrant Kiev, and widely thought by fans
to be the best ever. However, behind the scenes
it's all going a bit dark. Eurovision has become
such a great mechanism for a country to show off
its modern face and tourism to the rest of
the continent. Now the stakes are so high the
atmosphere has become aggressive, with some
countries trying to bend the rules to gain
an advantage on stage. Belarus, Europe's
poorest country, spent about $1m on its
entry this year and didn't even make the final.
They even bought up huge swathes of seats in the
semi-final, and gave them to Eurovision fans in
return for them wearing Belarus t shirts. And
resentment of the Big Four (UK, France, Spain,
Germany) who always qualify for the final is
rising. Although the four all had truly awful
songs this year, its no coincidence they
finished rock bottom. Roll on Athens, 2006...


All the Eurovision stats and info:
http://www.esctoday.com

-----------------------------------------------------
The Eurovision fan nightclub was packed solid with
beautiful Ukrainian women desperate to land a rich
Western husband... but failing to understand
this was a cult gay event...
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Dermot holds his end up <<
The tale behind the tabloid tale

Cricket commentator, and ex-playing star,
Dermot Reeve was plastered across the Sunday
tabloids confessing his cocaine addiction.
The story found its way to the papers thanks
to two young hookers who Dermot had been
playing away with. He liked to shag the blonde
one, Angel, and then watch her get it
on with her brunette friend, while he
got stuck into the gak. Not only were the
girls happy to charge the drug-addled
lothario 750 pounds a go, rather than their
usual 125 quid fee, and share his drugs but
they then didn't hesitate to shop him
to the tabloids for a bit more cash.
C'mon girls... that's just not cricket.


-----------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Paxman eats tangy cheese Doritos.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Hand to mouth <<
Learn to do the snowball

Snowballing is the sexual practice of returning
the product of fellatio to the donor's mouth.
For some weird reason, some escorts in Madrid
offer this service to their clients by asking
"Would you like a Beckham?"


-----------------------------------------------------
At the Amfar charity auction Cannes, co-host Sharon
Stone introduced Chris Tucker as Chris Rock. Oops.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Big Question <<
What people are asking this week?

Which Hollywood actor's unlikely
attempts to seduce an older co-star
may be the result of a recent appetite for
crystal meth?


-----------------------------------------------------
Jon S Club, Noel Hearsay and Faye Steps are starring
in Love Shack. Jon was spotted outside the
Edinburgh Playhouse this week having a fag.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Smart Exit <<
Circus proprietor kicks the bucket

Billy Smart, Britain's most famous circus
proprietor, died last week. Out of respect
for the great man, we reprint this small
but pleasing story:

SM writes:
"A couple of years ago I was lucky enough to be
a judge at the World Poledancing Championships,
in Ealing. On the judging panel was silver-
haired Billy Smart.

"'Have you ever been to Las Vegas?" he asked
me as we watched the pole action. 'Wonderful
city. You should go and see Siegfied and
Roy's show. It's marvellous.' Mr Smart then
paused for dramatic effect...'Matter of fact,"
he said, casually. 'I sold Siegfried an
elephant last week.'"


-----------------------------------------------------
Abi Titmuss refused to sign her Celebrity Love Island
contract until she was told who else was on the show.
She was worried about the calibre of celebrities.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Don't stop singin' <<
Whatever happened to Jo S Club?

Jo S Club, the one in S Club 7 who could sing,
has been celebrating her escape from the pop
machine by becoming a huge enthusiast for bingo.
As well as playing in Romford, she's also a fan
of Sky's Avago interactive bingo channel. She
has been a regular texter to the show and at
one point even sang for them on the phone live on
air when the presenter asked her to prove to
viewers it was her.

Jo's other hobby is karaoke. Some admiring fans
saw her belt out a version of The Greatest Love
Of All in a Shoreditch pub. Thankfully, Jo
seems to have started working with uber-
producer Brian Rawlings so we might be lucky
and get a talented teen band singer back...


-----------------------------------------------------
Cover your ears: Victoria Beckham is venturing back
into the studio this summer. She'll be recording
something with a "Salsa feel" in Madrid.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Geezer Pleaser <<
Anyone remember The Shamen?

AR writes:
"When I was one of the management team at the
Town and Country Club, The Shamen did a gig there,
around the time of Ebenezer Goode.
The Irish cleaner assigned to clean up the backstage
area phoned me saying she was about to quit, having
caught a member of the band in the middle of 'an
unnatural act' with another man.


-----------------------------------------------------
Rome's gay scene is buzzing with the rumour that Pope
Benedict XVI has a secret priest lover. The money is
on... his 55 year old ex-secretary Josef Clemens.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Huge Toole <<
Peter O'Toole's swordsman son

Rod Stewart is a huge fan of Peter O'Toole,
so he was delighted when Peter came to his recent
Dublin gig, accompanied by his son Lorcan.
Lorcan, who calls himself Brian when going
incognito, proceeded to bang Rod's sax player
Katja, and cosy up to Rod's girlfriend Penny.
Rod should be worried: Swordsman Lorcan has
apparently already ticked off Andrea Corr, Kelly
Brook and Denise Van Outen, in addition to nicking
a girl called Rachael off Eddie Izzard last summer.
Callum Best has a rival.


-----------------------------------------------------
In Bogota, Columbia, gossip has been made illegal
by the mayor, punishable by up to four years in jail.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Things to make you go hmmn <<
Penises, TV nightmares, Jesus Christ

What to do this bank holiday weekend? Get a
fox and make a stew - kill a fox, leave it on
the roof in a gutter for at least three nights,
skin it, cut it into pieces and leave it to soak
overnight in buttermilk. It should then be
marinated in red wine for three days, flambeed
in brandy and finally simmered for two hours
in the sieved marinade, thickened with flour
and water. A quarter of an hour before serving,
add some chocolate to the sauce.' (from
Lucy Pinney.)

May the Force be with you.. get your t-shirts at:
http://www.teemarto.com

Corporate logos that look like dicks:
http://www.b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/

You think the bottom of the reality TV barrel
has been scraped? Try this new show -
"Are you a guy unlucky in love? Are you more
average Joe than Tom Cruise? If you've got bags
of personality and are looking for love we want
you for an exciting new show for Channel 4!.
You'll get to date three beautiful girls who
will think you're the next Brad Pitt - the only
catch is these girls will be hypnotised so it's
up to you to convince them that it's all about
personality rather than looks so that when these
girls slip out of their hypnotic state they will
still be madly in love with you."

An American couple claim their baby's ultrasound
has an image of Jesus:
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/news/530...trasound.html#


>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries for 29th May 2005

++ Number One
CRAZY FROG Axel F
* So far $30m has been spent marketing the ringtone

++ Top Ten
COLDPLAY Speed Of Sound
AMARIE One Thing
AUDIO BULLYS Bang Bang
GWEN STEFANI Hollaback Girl

++ Top Twenty
MAGIC NUMBERS Forever Lost
MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE Helena

>> End Bit <<
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************************************************
Thanks to: N, rob, n, GM, hands_free_car_kit, NS
aristocat, bill_squier, AM, rob, dollymixture, B
*************************************************

Old Jokes' Home:
A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep.

His wife is reading in bed. The man says,
"This is the pig that I fuck when you've
got a headache".

His wife retorts, "I think you'll find
that THAT is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find that
I was talking to the sheep."

Still Bored?
The summer blockbuster we're waiting for"
http://lime.theisland-themovie.com/t...omestic_2.html

[MrMaelstrom]

-----------------------------------------------------
The theme tune to ITV1's new Jerry Springer Show is
a knock-off of The Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up."
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Celeb TV update <<
What is below the bottom of the barrel?

The disease of celeb-reality TV is mutating
into ever more toxic strains. Here are some
of the latest:

1. Being Bobby Brown, starts end June:
The couple's drugged-up ghetto lifestyle in
full glare. One episode has Bobby describing
how he helped his wife with her constipation,
by inserting his fingers to massage it out.
Whitney says, "When I told my girlfriends
about it, they said 'That's real love, baby.
That's real black love.'" Bobby then holds up
four fingers and wiggles them in front of
the camera.
Preview:
http://worldofwonder.net/archives/2005/Jun/08/
exclusive_on_the_brown_low.wow

2. Britney & Kevin: Chaotic
Debut episode bombed. Shot by the pair on
camcorder, the show features mainly shaky
close-ups of Brit and Kev. Best moment?
Federline filming Spears, who is telling him
"Love is more than just love, love is all these
things combined, and when you combine all these
things, you're ready for love." Just as Kevin
zooms the camera in on her arse.

3. Tommy Lee Goes To college
Tommy Lee... goes to an American college. The end.

5. Kevin II
Federline has pitched a show idea to VH1 - he
tries to become the next Eminem, with Chris Judd
as his choreographer.

(FYI: whose show would we like to see? Dave Chappelle.
He disappeared from his TV Show, had a breakdown and
ran away to Africa for a "spiritual retreat" amid
rumours of mental problems, falling out with the
network and crack habit...)

[Asurai]

We are so going to Hell for this thread.

Ah well. Mael, skoteinh, Sternn, et al, keep the laughs (and shudders) coming.

[MrMaelstrom]

We sure are Asurai, we sure are....


er....



...is there a muslim hell?



>> Saudi Love Island <<
Burka babes at Burj Al Arab

While the unlucky Muslims at Guantanamo are
subjected to the inhuman torture of Christina
Aguilera on repeat play, their leaders back
in the Middle East are doing their bit to
preserve the purity of Islam.

Prince Faisal Al Saud of Saudi Arabia regularly
hires out the Al Falak ballroom of the Burj Al
Arab in Dubai, the world's most expensive hotel.
He always flies in a dozen or so of the best
call girls from Lebanon and Syria. The girls
parade around in knee-length boots and mini
skirts... but in order to comply with the
Koran also wear a hijab or veil.

So that's alright then...


-----------------------------------------------------
Chris Martin celebrated Coldplay's number one
album success on Sunday at the Landsdown pub, west
London, where he bought everyone a drink.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Taking the mickey <<
Mickey Rourke: no genius

zymunt writes:
"When Sin City star Mickey Rourke was filming
A Prayer For The Dying, he was taken on a tour
of Belfast. The was first time he'd ever been
to Ireland, despite allegations of him giving
money to Sinn Fienn and the IRA. While
walking near the Shankhill Road, Mickey
(seemingly oblivious to the red, white and blue
kerbstones) whipped off his shirt to show off
his IRA Tattoo. His horrified escorts pointed
out that this really wasn't a good idea.
Mickey replied "What? These people is Irish...
they'll LOVE it"

[Asurai]

Originally Posted by MrMaelstrom

We sure are Asurai, we sure are....


er....



...is there a muslim hell?

Not if you're male.

Or, more accurately, yes, but come on: according to Mo, 2/3 of the residents of Hell are brazen female whores. Two females to every guy, with absolutely nothing to do. . . . How could it be Hell?

[Asurai]

I'm sure that it's more something along the lines of being sentenced to be the playthings of very, very ugly men for eternity. That fits Mo's style better.

[Stilldead]

Wadda ya call a blonde standing on her hands?















A Brunett with bad breath.

[Panther]

Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over
and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."

She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then
she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato
causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

[MrMaelstrom]

Something tells me that waitress wasn't tipped at the end...

[mlwlildevil]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals".The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.

[Spazik]

Why don't blonds use vibrators? It chips their teeth!

[spookypurple]

A blonde walks into a doctor's office.
"I've broken every bone in my body." she wails.
Quickly noticing that she appears to have little wrong with her, the doctor asks here to explain herself in more detail.
"Wherever I prod, it hurts like crazy." And she proceeds to show the doctor exactly what she means. She prods her leg, and screams in pain. She prods her knee, and screams in pain. She prods her wrist, and screams in pain. She prods her elbow, and screams in pain. And so on. After about five minutes, the doctor says calmly to her:
"You've broken your finger, you idiot."

Here's another one....
Three blondes try out for the job of detective. The seargent explains the characteristics needed. Quickness, intelligence, logic, while all the while his heart is sinking. He shows them a shot of a criminal and asks the first blonde to tell him something about the suspect.
"Well, he'd be dead easy to identify," she says, "he's only got one ear."
The seargent sighs and explains that it's a profile shot, so that's all you can see.
Next he asks the second blonde exactly the same question.
"Oh, this is so easy," she answers, "he would stick out in a crowd -he's only got one eye."
The seargent bites his tongue and again explains that it's a profile shot, so that's all you'd be able to see.
So, rapidly losing the will to live, he asks the third blonde the same question.
She takes her time, studying the picture from every angle. "I think..." she says finally, "I think the suspect is a contact lens wearer."
Taken aback by her confidence and finally receiving a sensible answer, the seargent dashes off to have a look at the files. And, to his delight, the third blonde is spot on. He returns to tell her she's correct.
"How did you know that he wore contact lenses?" he says. "That's amazing!"
The third blonde laughs. "Oh, it was easy, really. I mean, how's he gonna wear glasses? He's only got one eye and one ear!"

[Spazik]

What do you call a goth lying in the road?
A speed bump.

Two goths are walking down the road, one says "I just bought the new Love Like
Blood CD."
The other says "F_ck me, a talking goth!"

How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope!

Theres a goth walking down the road with a rat on his shoulder. An old lady
walks past, stops, stares at the two and says "Yeuk! What are you doing with
that revolting creature?"
"Squeak squeak squeak!" says the rat.

What do you store your heavy velvet cape in for the summer?
Goth balls.

Why is it so hard for goths to get work?
Because all they can do is mope the floors and depress the buttons.

What did the vampire say when he looked in the mirror?
"So nice not to see you again"

What's another name for a gothgirl?
A Crow-ho.

What do goths buy at the liquor store when they don't have much cash?
Crow-Magnums.

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a dead squid in my soup!"
"It's not dead Sir, it's just dreaming."

[DCreep]

What's better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?

Is this the uncensored joke thread?

I'll let someone else finish that joke, I like it around here!

D

[BoleroBelle]

dammit! i used to know the punch line to that one! It was funny as hell?

[NyQuil of Doom]

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

I should so put that one in my sig. :-P

[1TOOMANY]

DCreep asks: What's better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?


Not being retarded!

BAM!!!!

[Bodnoirbabe]

Oh now i remember! The answer was "Walking"

[MrMaelstrom]

And the correct answer is: Bolero Belle's

[MrMaelstrom]

Warning to Catholics:

1981:
-Prince Charles gets married.
-Liverpool won the European Champions League.
-The pope died.

2005:
-Prince Charles gets married (again).
-Liverpool won the European Champions League (again).
-The pope died

So now you know....if Prince Charles ever wants to get married and Liverpool is in the UEFA Champions League final.... somebody better warn the pope.

[edible_eye]

maybe prince charles is satan.

[punkirony]

This one is super corny. I 'm eating Cracker Jacks at the moment, and this is what they call my prize:

How did the rancher count his cows?



*With a cowculator.*



(Remember when they gave us actual toys and stuff. They only surprise was how crappy this damn "joke"was.)

[ghostposts]

The latest band:

http://www.debsfunpages.com/funpages/view.cfm/4232

[ice]

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man, “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn’t keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn’t hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s easy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

“Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.”

--

It's not my joke, but I just have to share it with you guys.