Three Octobers

[Mariner]

So...I'm back, once again, with another poem. I liked the suggestions made to the first poem I posted, made changes, and was pretty pleased...that doesn't happen often when I get someone to read a poem. It can be difficult to find someone who will give an honest opinion (hence why I'm back with another poem). Anyway...this one is a love poem. I usually hate writing love poems, I'm generally terrible at them and just try to avoid them. Love poems are difficult..likely because there are so many of them, it makes it nearly impossible to be very original. Anyway, here is my attempt...

Three Octobers

You wouldn’t have me,
I wasn’t having anyone else.
We met in naïve lust,
In the chill October air.
Something took root there,
There was no going back,
But there was no going forward.
We lay dormant in limbo,
Until love took us by surprise,
Steeling away with our minds.
It left us happy fools lost in a labyrinth of feeling.
Our hearts were reeling,
When reality struck us.
It’s not all chocolate and roses.
We had talks of war between tea and toast,
We cried midst hugs and laughter.
We weren’t certain what we were after,
Until we stripped each other bare.
Great love isn’t born without a little pain.
We can’t just give each other hearts,
We must give each other brains.
It hurts like lobotomy,
The result is greater than ecstasy.
Nothing under the sun compares.
We are separate.
We are equal.
We are whole.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

I don't find it all that interesting, and it has zero flow in the actual reading, though there is some thematic flow in there, well in terms of the uncertainty of love and attempt to discern the authenticity of a relationship through what seems like an overload of intimacy.

Does a lobotomy hurt? I was under the impression the brain was incapable of feeling pain.

The last three lines are a god awful attempt at relational unity while totally protecting the idea of individuality in a relationship, and should be compared with the cheesy cringe factor of my signature quote being used as anything other than a statement of fact on the nature of individuality, culture, and the world at large.

It reads more like a monologue from a play rather than poetry.

[Alan]

I'll be honest, I reeeally don't want to read this, I don't know why, but I don't.
However the last lines pop out.
Are you sure you want to write something that talks about "separate" followed by "equal"? You know, for the sake of history.

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by Sir Canvas Corpsey

I don't find it all that interesting, and it has zero flow in the actual reading, though there is some thematic flow in there, well in terms of the uncertainty of love and attempt to discern the authenticity of a relationship through what seems like an overload of intimacy.

Does a lobotomy hurt? I was under the impression the brain was incapable of feeling pain.

The last three lines are a god awful attempt at relational unity while totally protecting the idea of individuality in a relationship, and should be compared with the cheesy cringe factor of my signature quote being used as anything other than a statement of fact on the nature of individuality, culture, and the world at large.

It reads more like a monologue from a play rather than poetry.

I watched a documentary on lobotomy, I assumed that since many who got it couldn't open their eyes afterwards due to them being swollen and bruised that it must hurt.

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by Alan

I'll be honest, I reeeally don't want to read this, I don't know why, but I don't.
However the last lines pop out.
Are you sure you want to write something that talks about "separate" followed by "equal"? You know, for the sake of history.

I'm confused...you said you don't want to read it, yet commented on the last lines. Did you read it, or didn't you? Yes...I was a bit uncertain about using those words at the end...I'm sure it is a bit odd. If I can think of something better that keeps the same meaning I will certainly change it.

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by Sir Canvas Corpsey

I don't find it all that interesting, and it has zero flow in the actual reading, though there is some thematic flow in there, well in terms of the uncertainty of love and attempt to discern the authenticity of a relationship through what seems like an overload of intimacy.

Does a lobotomy hurt? I was under the impression the brain was incapable of feeling pain.

The last three lines are a god awful attempt at relational unity while totally protecting the idea of individuality in a relationship, and should be compared with the cheesy cringe factor of my signature quote being used as anything other than a statement of fact on the nature of individuality, culture, and the world at large.

It reads more like a monologue from a play rather than poetry.

I can see what you mean by reading more like a monologue than poetry...quite honestly my poems tend to be much more stuctured than this. This is an oddity for me both in how it is written and the subject matter. Was really just me trying out something different. Do you have any suggestions for this poem, or would you say it's a lost cause?

[Solumina]

The swelling and such from a lobotomy may lead to some pain but the brain itself can't be hurt (it can be damaged but no pain is registered), that is why damage to the brain can be so hard to discover as the pain felt is due to swelling pushing on the inside of the skull.


Back on topic: I think if you really edit the hell out of this thing it could be saved but if you aren't very attached to this it would be easier to just scrap it.

[CuckooTuli]

It just sounds... familiar. As a lot of poems on this subject tend to. None of the imagery startles or surprises. Sorry I can't be more constructive, but that was basically my response to it.

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by Solumina

The swelling and such from a lobotomy may lead to some pain but the brain itself can't be hurt (it can be damaged but no pain is registered), that is why damage to the brain can be so hard to discover as the pain felt is due to swelling pushing on the inside of the skull.


Back on topic: I think if you really edit the hell out of this thing it could be saved but if you aren't very attached to this it would be easier to just scrap it.

I know the brain itself doesn't feel pain, but the effects looked to be pretty painful.

Anyway...this poem was mostly meant for someone. However, I'm working on a collection of poems, and was just considering including this. Will simply omit it.

[Nightwalker39]

Originally Posted by Mariner

So...I'm back, once again, with another poem. I liked the suggestions made to the first poem I posted, made changes, and was pretty pleased...that doesn't happen often when I get someone to read a poem. It can be difficult to find someone who will give an honest opinion (hence why I'm back with another poem). Anyway...this one is a love poem. I usually hate writing love poems, I'm generally terrible at them and just try to avoid them. Love poems are difficult..likely because there are so many of them, it makes it nearly impossible to be very original. Anyway, here is my attempt...

Three Octobers

You wouldn’t have me,
I wasn’t having anyone else.
We met in naïve lust,
In the chill October air.
Something took root there,
There was no going back,
But there was no going forward.
We lay dormant in limbo,
Until love took us by surprise,
Steeling away with our minds.
It left us happy fools lost in a labyrinth of feeling.
Our hearts were reeling,
When reality struck us.
It’s not all chocolate and roses.
We had talks of war between tea and toast,
We cried midst hugs and laughter.
We weren’t certain what we were after,
Until we stripped each other bare.
Great love isn’t born without a little pain.
We can’t just give each other hearts,
We must give each other brains.
It hurts like lobotomy,
The result is greater than ecstasy.
Nothing under the sun compares.
We are separate.
We are equal.
We are whole.

Wonderful poem. I throughly enjoyed it.

[MissCheyenne]

Again, I don't like or dislike this. There's a few areas I'd alter slightly personally, just to set the flow a little better (at least it flows better to me when I alter it in my head). I don't think it's awful and you are right, it's difficult to write something original about love as there are so many cliches to avoid. I'll come back to you with some proper suggestions when I have a little more time and my head isn't so fuzzy.

[Shikenkan]

It's a nice attempt especially for someone who isn't writing songs for a wealthy living. Though I hate to criticize but I think you should have gone for a darker tone, it's what I was expecting from the title.

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by MissCheyenne

Again, I don't like or dislike this. There's a few areas I'd alter slightly personally, just to set the flow a little better (at least it flows better to me when I alter it in my head). I don't think it's awful and you are right, it's difficult to write something original about love as there are so many cliches to avoid. I'll come back to you with some proper suggestions when I have a little more time and my head isn't so fuzzy.

Oh, looking forward to some of your advice MissCheyenne, it was very helpful for my other poems I've posted. Sorry I haven't replied to this in a bit, figured no one cared much for this poem and the thread would be dead by now.

[Alan]

Originally Posted by Mariner

I'm confused...you said you don't want to read it, yet commented on the last lines. Did you read it, or didn't you?

I read the last lines. Don't be so passive-aggressive about it.

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by Alan

I read the last lines. Don't be so passive-aggressive about it.

I just didn't understand why someone would comment on a poem they didn't take the time to read.

[Alan]

Because I had something to say about the part that caught my eye. It's that simple.

[MissCheyenne]

Three Octobers

You wouldn’t have me,
I wouldn't have anyone else.
We met in naïve lust,
In the chilled October air.
Something took root there,
There was no going back,
And no going forward.
Laying dormant in limbo,
Until love took us by surprise,
Stealing away our minds.
Leaving us happy fools, lost in a labyrinth of feeling.
Our hearts were reeling,
When reality struck us.
It’s not all chocolate and roses.
We had talks of war between tea and toast,
We cried midst hugs and laughter,
Not certain what we were after,
Until we stripped each other bare.
Great love isn’t born without a little pain.
We can’t just give each other hearts,
We must give each other brains.
It hurts like lobotomy,
The result is greater than ecstasy.
Nothing under the sun compares.
We are separate.
We are equal.
We are whole.


I've highlighted in red the bits I would use as substiutes for the original wording if it were my own work. I think there were a few parts where the wording was a little.....off. As I said, I don't think it's awful, I really think you have potential, I'd just change those few bits personally, as I think the rewording flows a little better. Even if you revert back to the original, I hope it was helpful

[Mariner]

Alan: The advice was appreciated, but I would suggest reading something completely before giving advice, it's just the polite thing to do.

MissCheyenne: Once again, I love the changes you've made. Such simple changes, but they work so nicely. If I could, I'd pay you to edit all of my poems.