Poorly Sychronized.

[Underwater Ophelia]

sex with you is a reward for being masculine with
shapely legs and good tits
close to perfect
rarely burned food
and well washed dishes
I don't want a baby, anyway

sex with you is a reward,
but my tender feelings for you are punishment for
being born close to two decades too late to
show up at your wedding
laughing and uninvited
take you from the church to the courthouse
to get tax breaks and make the most of insurance

and while I would venture it was more a funhouse than a home--
dizzying and not very well thought out,

all I can do is throw pebbles at the side of your jaundice house
hoping to put holes in each and every pane of glass in the place

racing against my biological clock
hoping I'll realize you're not some deity
and you're not as smart as I think you are

[Underwater Ophelia]

Yes, I do realize it's "synchronized," and not "sychronized."

[Underwater Ophelia]

Damn it!
I want feedback!

[Noirette]

I would have given you feedback, but I simply can't seem to understand what it's about. I have some guesses, though, but I'm not quite sure about them.
But, ho well, maybe it's just me and my poor and limited English.


Edit:
I want feedback too.
The Literature board seems to be abandomed.

[LiUsAiDh]

I really like it.

English lit, poetry and all that jazz isn't my forte though. So, the only constructive criticism I can think of, relating to the couplets, is that you mention 'house' and 'home' three times (inc. funhouse) - which may be intentional. Also, do you mean 'jaundiced', the adjective, not 'jaundice'?

[stolide]

No offense, but I'm not really that fond of it. It doesn't have good rhythym... I don't know what to say really.

You wanted feedback, but it didn't leave enough of an impression for me to say much.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by LiUsAiDh

I really like it.

English lit, poetry and all that jazz isn't my forte though. So, the only constructive criticism I can think of, relating to the couplets, is that you mention 'house' and 'home' three times (inc. funhouse) - which may be intentional. Also, do you mean 'jaundiced', the adjective, not 'jaundice'?

I do mean "jaundice," and I like that you pointed that out.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by stolide

No offense, but I'm not really that fond of it. It doesn't have good rhythym... I don't know what to say really.

You wanted feedback, but it didn't leave enough of an impression for me to say much.

What you just said there is definitely good enough.
Thanks.

[Fatbaby]

Well I like it. Love unrequited but driven by thoughts of your own mortality. I think there is a better reference to the loves abode than a "Jaundice House". Then you end the next line with a prepositional phrase.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

Ophie we've been here, on this poetic point so many times already, and this poetry, these thoughts, even the way it's read, it's all becoming the same and boring.

Sorry, but that is how I honestly feel.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Sir Canvas Corpsey

Ophie we've been here, on this poetic point so many times already, and this poetry, these thoughts, even the way it's read, it's all becoming the same and boring.

Sorry, but that is how I honestly feel.

I agree the feeling is similar, but in what other ways do you feel it's the same?

[TheBloodEternity]

I'm not good with critiquing anything really, so feel free to disregard everything I say.

I definitely like the words and feel of the poem, but like others have said the rhythm could use some work.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

The style with which it is written, the language is the same course yet formal vernacular. It's that mainly, and the recurring theme of sex and love, while many writers do use a recurring theme and feeling in their work, they tend to use discretion and subtlety to integrate that theme into works on a more abstract level.

Maybe it's just my taste in poetry and style but.... I just lost my train of thought....yeah... /end post