A fight with my mother

Noirette · 12-14-2008, 09:04 PM

It's not unusual, I thought that I got used to it. This time she was much more violent, but so was I, so she didn't hurt me. Not physically, at least.
She had shouted on me to leave her fucking house, pack my things and leave. It has never happened before so I guess that she really meant this. I slept at a friend's house,and I came here at 5 o'clock at the morning to take my things for school and make breakfast for my sisters.
I have no idea what to do no. I didn't speak with her for half a year in order to stop those fights because they hurt my sisters (seeing two people who are important to you fight and then having to choose a side, since she won't let them speak to me and then manipulate and abuse them if they do.) and I couldn't help but believe her words...I'm not worthy, not good enough, fat useless girl, taking money from them, ruining the life of a person who gave up anything for me, and so on.
But then there was this unbearable tension in the house, and it wasn't good either.
I never thought that it can turn out like this, and it's not even the end yet. I have at least another two years to live at this house before I go to te army, and even then I'll have to go back here at least for a weekend.
But I don't worry about myself, I can sleep somewhere, and I'm mostly at work or at school. It's my sisters that worry me. I don't want them t grew up believing that they can only destroy, but never to create, never to help or do anything good, that they are not worthy, I want that they will know what sweet little stubborn and special girls they are. And they are so beautiful, but she will make them believe that they are ugly. She prefers the one who resembles her a little than the one who acts and looks a little like me, not even caring that it will make her always feel like she's never good enough.
I really don't know what to do now. We are going on trip with the class the day after tomorrow, but I have no idea what I will do after this.
Probably I'll stay, because I can't fight against her words anymore. Probably she is right, after all. Otherwise she could never act to me the way she does.
I really don't know what to do, and since I can't see it from the side I ask for your advice, I feel too hopeless and....tired, mentally tired to think about it logically.
I need some damn good book right now, or good music.

Thank you for spending your time on this.

††BlackRose†† · 12-14-2008, 09:45 PM

I understand where you're coming from since my mom says pretty harsh things too when she gets pissed. But I actually take it otherwise she raises hell. lol.
But honestly what i've learned with my mom is that you can't let it get to you. She's your mom in the end of the day and she prob still loves you (though showing it may be a different story). See your faults and next time try to act calmer. If she says you're ugly then think that you're not.
It's like an emotional bully. You can't let them know its getting to you. Give her a hug afterwards and apologize (even if you really don't have any faults in the situation). This will help keep the peace. If you need to vent your anger out just come on here and do it :P. lol.
Sometimes it also helps to try and see where she's coming from. Honestly you learn to work your way around the fighting. Tell her that you love her (even if you don't mean it 100%). Just give her what she wants to hear and it might be better. MIGHT. lol.
I don't know if your mom is like mine, but if she is then this may help.

Remidalia · 12-14-2008, 09:51 PM

Though I'm very new to this site and have not ever spoken to you before. I have to say, I understand what you are going through sadly enough. The truth be told, believing your mother words is just really proving her manipulation of you is working. Since you are so worried about your sisters, you should let your sisters know that they are perfect just the way they are and try to be as supportive and reassuring as possible for their sake. If you mother is as bad as you say, any positive influence will help them very much. If you mother refuses to let them speak to you, speak to them when your mother isn't around and doesn't know that they are around you.
I hope this helped at least a little..

HumanePain · 12-14-2008, 10:03 PM

BlackRose's advice is good, but I would add that maybe you can try and understand your mother's life or recent history: maybe there is a reason she is acting that way towards you. Is she a single mother? Is she working long hours without relief but to eat and sleep? Does she need help around the house but is doing all of it her self? Sometimes people are just that way, but maybe there is something going in her life that you could help her with, then she would appreciate you more. Maybe. Good luck and let us know if things get better or worse.

$haDe · 12-15-2008, 06:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ††BlackRose††

Just give her what she wants to hear and it might be better. MIGHT. lol.
I don't know if your mom is like mine, but if she is then this may help.

Where were you when I got kicked out ?

I can't say more than 'I know how you feel. Decide, carefully, or you'll end up like me'. lol

But HP is right, Blackrose's advice is really good.

Sorry, I can't help more. you know, It's not like I handled it quite well when it happened to me, few years ago.

Noirette · 12-15-2008, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HumanePain

BlackRose's advice is good, but I would add that maybe you can try and understand your mother's life or recent history: maybe there is a reason she is acting that way towards you. Is she a single mother? Is she working long hours without relief but to eat and sleep? Does she need help around the house but is doing all of it her self? Sometimes people are just that way, but maybe there is something going in her life that you could help her with, then she would appreciate you more. Maybe. Good luck and let us know if things get better or worse.

She is doing absoulutely nothing.
I had cleaned the house every fucking weekend for a few monthes until I got pissed off at her reaction and decided to let them live at the dirt they create.
She was the one to decide wheter to keep me or not, wheter to go to work or nor, not me. And you know, I haven't been one of those violent kid. I was one of the students who get the higher grades, who loved to learn. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't take drugs, I work and pay for my clothes and my studying beside school (they pay only for school and food), I don't shout at her, I even try to hold my temper and not raise my voice when she is at ne of her histeric moods. I wasn't a perfect child, and certainly not the perfect one that she wished for, but this is not a reason to blame every fucking decision on me.
We don't speak much, and believe me, she would appriciate my help just as I would appriciate any advice of "try to understand her". I tried. I helped with my sisters, cleaned the house-it looked decent. It wasn't good enough.
I was still the lazy fat girl to blame, the egoistic one, the one without friends.
Most of the things she hates me for, are trully things that she does, without even noticing.

She's not at home now, and I have a trip tommorow. After this I'll stay at my friend's place, so I don't know.
But hey, thank you for the advice anyway. It's easier, somehow, to know I'm not completely alone.

Noirette · 12-15-2008, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Remidalia

Though I'm very new to this site and have not ever spoken to you before. I have to say, I understand what you are going through sadly enough. The truth be told, believing your mother words is just really proving her manipulation of you is working. Since you are so worried about your sisters, you should let your sisters know that they are perfect just the way they are and try to be as supportive and reassuring as possible for their sake. If you mother is as bad as you say, any positive influence will help them very much. If you mother refuses to let them speak to you, speak to them when your mother isn't around and doesn't know that they are around you.
I hope this helped at least a little..

Thank you, I appriciate this.
Although it's so obvious, I'm too frustrated to think logically lately, that's the reason I made this thread, actually.

LiquidEcstasy · 12-15-2008, 09:39 AM

I hope everything works out, I have pretty much the same relationship with my dad.
Trying to keep the peace doesn't always work though, unfortunately, though it is basically a lot better than trying to argue back. If you start feeling angry just think of your sisters, or even just go for a walk or exercise to shake it off.

xParadigmx · 12-15-2008, 12:29 PM

I knwo I dont know alot about the people on here despite the longevity of my curiousity, but I really am sorry this is happening to you. Parents are supposed to be our guidance through life, but sadly most of them don't live up to the title. Please believe that if you don't break, this will only make you stronger. There are only two choices in life, lay down and die, or get up and keep breathing. And it's pretty hard to just lay down and die. You get kinda hungry after awhile.

Steppenwolf · 12-15-2008, 05:59 PM

Well , I have some experience but I'm still on the brigh side of life : I've been out for five years and we never saw each other ... Except for a few days (I just got the idea to invite her to my "home") ....
She was soft as a kitty in my house ... Believe me .
As I came back to her shitty crappy house (because of necesity) she still hated me and was bullshitting me sotto vocce (classic old women style ...) , but she was clever enough to see I was paying for A LOT , for home repairs of a house I'll never own (my sister will , of course) , I was paying for food , for bills , for my sister's clothes ... Fuck , even I toke her to a couple of fancy restaurants ... After all this bullshit (and some cheap lies and hugs) she had to give me respect back . God , how sad I knew her that well , that it was so fucking easy and cheap ...
Still she never acepted who I was or who I am now .
She can't acept I was always younger , prettier , clever than her . Or that I never give up . That she never (well , very rarely) saw me cry , while she was bathing the whole house with her fucking weak tears and her fucking hysterical shows breaking every glass on the house .
She knows I'm not going to fuck my life like she did , so she looks at her missed oportunities in life and all that blues ... And also she tells me at every chance how I'm like her ex husband ... Yeah , and go figure how she likes him ... She can't stop sometimes ... It was awful ... It is still awful , and I'm thankful she was the woman ... And that she was that weak ...

Should I blame her and hate her , and cry and all that? Sadly , I cant . I don't care about making it right at this point . I'm much too hurt to care about her . I never will . Even if she is dying . She told me she can't fully forgive , because she can't forget . I'm slowly waiting , and I feel really glad when I see in the future who will be the master , who will take sweet revenge on her bullshit and stupidity . Because actually I have a plan , I always had the same plan since she started to hate me because I was growing up .
She told me long ago that I was a monster , and also she tried to throw me out ... She couldn't , and you know why ... Because when she looked into my eyes she saw how insane and monsterish I was : She knew I would come back , she knew I would fight for my right to shout her : "You made me without my permision , now pay the price , this is my fucking room and there is nothing you can do about it" .
I actually told her she could call the police and all , and I would go gladly to the streets , but she better watch her car and her home , because by the way she teached me how to set things on fire and the wonders of gas ... Did she remember?

There is a lot of ways you can show this and get what you really want and need . The tactic depends on you and on your mother too .
Don't show yourself weaker than you are just because "it's your mother" . You don't owe her ANYTHING . She owes you EVERYTHING . Did she ask for permission before she gave you birth?
Show her who you are and don't be afraid .
You got nothing to lose , believe me , except selflove and respect . And without this you'll be a baby in a cradle .
I'm with you anyways , show her some of your best , I know you can . You seem like a good , decent child . You are working , having good grades , cleaning up ... God! What in hell is she complaining about?
An ego boost???
Girl , you got your rights , stop giving her your life! Fight back!

The Brooding One · 12-15-2008, 07:07 PM

Wimps. Just plain wimps.

††BlackRose†† · 12-15-2008, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Noirette

She is doing absoulutely nothing.
I had cleaned the house every fucking weekend for a few monthes until I got pissed off at her reaction and decided to let them live at the dirt they create.
She was the one to decide wheter to keep me or not, wheter to go to work or nor, not me. And you know, I haven't been one of those violent kid. I was one of the students who get the higher grades, who loved to learn. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't take drugs, I work and pay for my clothes and my studying beside school (they pay only for school and food), I don't shout at her, I even try to hold my temper and not raise my voice when she is at ne of her histeric moods. I wasn't a perfect child, and certainly not the perfect one that she wished for, but this is not a reason to blame every fucking decision on me.
We don't speak much, and believe me, she would appriciate my help just as I would appriciate any advice of "try to understand her". I tried. I helped with my sisters, cleaned the house-it looked decent. It wasn't good enough.
I was still the lazy fat girl to blame, the egoistic one, the one without friends.
Most of the things she hates me for, are trully things that she does, without even noticing.

She's not at home now, and I have a trip tommorow. After this I'll stay at my friend's place, so I don't know.
But hey, thank you for the advice anyway. It's easier, somehow, to know I'm not completely alone.

I know what you mean. You do a lot and it doesn't get noticed. But sometimes when parents are stressed they have no one to take it out on but their children. I know its unfair and whatever but still if you want to keep things calm in the house you just have to take it. I'm sorry but from what I've seen, there is no easier way. In the end you're family and it is up to the children at times to keep things sane. One month of doing this will not help. I have been trying to please my mother for as long as i can remember.
Its a constant mission, but that's all. You have to ask yourself what you truly want. Although you can say that you don't need her, you will in the future. I can't say that from experience, i'm only 18. lol. But still, I understand that I will need my mom and for that reason I have to try to take things when she gets mad and understand the truth beneath the yelling and harmful things.
I know what my mom says when she gets pissed, the words, the name calling. But i let that fly passed my head. Pissed for one day about it but then I let it go. Its just what I'm going to have to do if i want my mom in my life.

Don't stay over at your friends house. Stick it through. You'll be glad you did.

Noirette · 12-22-2008, 03:01 AM

Steppenwolf:

That was inspiring.
But you know, I'm so used to the way of thinking that since I'm such a monstrous being I don't deserve a better life that I can't bring myself to think otherwise.
She owes me nothing. She wanted me to have all the options that she never had-this was her goal in raising me, so she taught me how to read and all those basic things since I was very young. She wanted me to be the perfect girl for her. Well, I am-I study well so I have all the options to build a solid life and have a good job, unlike her. She wanted me to be the organized girl that keeps her stuff clean-and I am, whenever I have time. Unlike her. She wanted me to help her with my sisters-and I do this, but her attitude towards my father and me hurts them, and soon she will probably start blaming them too, and I want to be there when it happens to show them that hey are sweet little girls and not whatever she tells them. But I'm not her daughter, as I see it. She simply gave me birth and raised me to believe I am a monster and be smart. As I see it, I owe her nothing and she owes me nothing. And If I ever owned her anything, I had returned my debt to her.
I'm grateful for this advice, anyway. It gives me a lot of thing to think about.
Thank you.

Apathy's_Child · 12-22-2008, 05:45 AM

It's a tough break, but you seem capable of taking care of yourself. Keep your relationship with your sisters, even if it involves clamming up, tolerating your mom's ranting and humoring her - I know it's hard to do, but family makes a hell of a difference. If you guys don't have your mom then you'll need to stick together. Try not to give her a reason to keep you apart, because she very possibly has the power to do it.

Noirette · 12-22-2008, 06:15 AM

She hasn't the power to do so, becuase she probably would have done this already if she could.
The hardest thing for me is, probably, to believe that I'm different from her, that I can build my own life and be in charge of myself, without causing so much demage to everyone around me.
But I'm too stubborn to simply let her control me and my thoughts, so I'll find a way to deal with it.

Apathy's_Child · 12-22-2008, 06:28 AM

She could kick you out, and forbid your sisters to see you if they're younger.

It's rough, but when your sisters get older and you've all left home and have each other to help out, you'll be glad you did, I think.

Noirette · 12-22-2008, 06:35 AM

I'm still underage, so she will have serious problems if she does it.

I hope for this.

masquerade · 12-22-2008, 07:30 AM

Man this is why I work with children. I know they go through the same thing, and I try so desperately to make sure their life doesn't suck at at least one place in their life. Maybe they'll feel emotionally safe with me, if not at their own home where they should feel content.

Forgive me if you've already answered this, I didn't see it... There is no possible way to live with your father? Or another relative?

If you're staying in the house to protect your siblings and feel that's what you need to do, then you need to start building up emotional walls. You become apathetic and numb to most of the emotional abuse at the time. Although you have to ask yourself is your emotional well being, worth the protection of those siblings.

Once you go back avoiding confrontation should be your main thing, I'm stubborn as hell too, I know what it's like feel like you're dying inside each time you say yes to something when you know it's them bullying you to do it. Sometimes though we do things for people we love, that hurt ourselves. Sounds like it might be what you're having to do right now.

Noirette · 12-22-2008, 11:40 AM

My fathers lives with us, he's on her side mostly.
The funniest thing is that she attacks him as wel, but he fears hurting her.

I'm not going to leave them her alone either way, and our parents won't divorce, as far as I know both of them.
The hardest thing for me now is to build those emotional walls, so I would be able to take care of myself and be strong manetlly, and then I could take care of them without being weak, like her.

Thank you.

masquerade · 12-22-2008, 12:30 PM

I know how that is, my father stayed with my mother to protect his children from her "wrath" I guess you could say. She wasn't physically abusive, but she was mentally and emotionally. She still is, I have just learned to basically ignore everything that's stupid that comes out of her mouth.

He still sided with her on most things, I found out after he passed away that he covered up a lot of what she did. Taking most of the problems on himself.

We build the walls no matter the situation I think, I built quite a few in the last few years, only to finally let a few down and was shown why I had them so thick.

The fact you notice the way she is means you won't turn out like her, she probably doesn't even realize she's that way, or if they do they deny it and you're the one at fault.

girasol · 12-22-2008, 04:23 PM

I think you mentioned that you work.
If it truly is unbearable for you to live in your house - then start searching online for people who want to share house, or are renting out a room.
If you have never done domestic things before - you will find out the hard way - but even if you think you cannot move out right now I would advise you to keep money aside that you could use in the case of an emergency or when you decide to get out.

Noirette · 12-23-2008, 02:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girasol

I think you mentioned that you work.
If it truly is unbearable for you to live in your house - then start searching online for people who want to share house, or are renting out a room.
If you have never done domestic things before - you will find out the hard way - but even if you think you cannot move out right now I would advise you to keep money aside that you could use in the case of an emergency or when you decide to get out.

I'm still learning at school, so it would be a problem to move out now, since I'll have to work much more and have less time or money for anything. Further more, my sisters will remain unprotected and without any other influence on them but her. I don't want this to happen, even if it means that I have to stay and find some way to deal with the situation.

Though the idea of putting some oney aside is good. Thank you.