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Old 02-28-2013, 03:17 AM   #1
Pineapple_Juice
 
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Is Love A Choice? or, PJ Maybe Wants To Break Up

So. I'm back for more advice.

Do you think love is a choice you make? As in, if you don't feel any romantic or sexual attachment whatsoever and look upon your significant other as a very close friend whom you love platonically with all of your heart...choosing to stay is what makes the relationship work?

I look on my girlfriend as my best friend ever, and roommate. Thinking about her being with other people doesn't bother me in the slightest. Imagining being dumped by her does not make me feel bad at all. I want to live with her and I want to hang out with her all the time and i want to be close to her and keep her in my life forever, but I just want to date someone else.

It seems so weird though because when she was doing all this awful shit and being a total fucking prick, I knew I loved her romantically without question. But for the past year since she came out with a bunch of stuff, I just feel detached. Kisses just feel like wet blobs of skin on my lips. I have sex with her because she likes it and it seems like the thing to do.

In the past year, she's been amazing and wonderful, and yet I find myself bored and feeling terribly lackluster about being with her. Our lives are so intertwined though. I'm close with her family, we have plans of getting married one day, we share bills and an apartment.

How do you know when you've fallen out of love and are better suited as best friends vs when you've just reached that stage of companionable love?

I can't speak to her about it because she's under so much stress and often talks about how she wants to die or kill herself. I don't want to move out because this apartment used to belong to her father before he died and it got sold off, and if we have to move out she severs all ties with the property that she actually grew up in. Also I love this place.

In my perfect dream scenario, I want to get dumped so that I know the feelings are mutual and I don't feel bad about doing the dumping, and then still remain best friends and live in the apartment and then date other people. Not likely whatsoever. Especially since she's just transitioning (my gf is mtf trans) and I feel like it will be difficult for her to find a partner and it will exacerbate her stress about a breakup.

ANOTHER COG is that I met someone I really, really like. I had been having these feelings about my girlfriend for a while before meeting this other person, but now I feel like I'm on a time constraint otherwise the other person will find someone else. And then I stress that maybe my urge to break up with my girlfriend is strengthened by this fleeting fancy-and I'm being pressed to make a decision by the new party.

So I'm all kinds of fucked up and I ramble and I need help. Please help me and give me opinions. Are there questions I should ask myself to decide what to do? Do you have personal experience or some anecdotal advice that would be helpful?

Am I mistaking falling out of love with just not feeling sexually attracted to my partner anymore? What the dealio?
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:01 PM   #2
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I don't think people get to choose who they're sexually attracted to or who they have chemistry with.

I think people do get to choose who they live with and how they interact with people.

Sounds like a pretty complex problem. I know it will be hard, but I think you should really set aside some time for a serious talk with your girlfriend. It is hardly fair to keep going in a charade when she is allowed to mistakenly think she's in a relationship with some one who is 100% into her.

There are many different ways to have relationships, and if you've been together for a long time, the fun glow of a new relationship wears off and gives way to deep attachment and familiarity. This happens with a lot of people, and one find's one's self hungering for the adventure of a new relationship.

It boils down to how the two of you want to handle it. Do you keep things the way they are and stay monogamous, do you open your relationship up, or do you part ways and see where the wind takes you?
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:44 PM   #3
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The best thing is communication, obviously she would probably be hurt if you just said that you don't love her anymore but maybe start a conversation about how things feel off. If you can afford it I would highly suggest couples counseling, if that isn't an option just do what you can to talk it out and make sure that you do say how important she is to you and how much you value your relationship, just focus on how the romantic/sexual side of your relationship isn't working.

It is entirely possible for people to remain living together after a breakup but it would get really awkward really fast if you don't have separate spaces, like normal roommates do. Again communication is key, you have to make sure that you guys are on the same page about things and keep those lines of communications open so if it isn't working out you can leave before things get really bad.
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Old 03-01-2013, 05:25 AM   #4
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Love does change in relationships, over time. In the beginning you are all lustful and stuff, and then as time marches on, your love alters.

Sit down and figure out what you really want out of life. Why is it that you want to date someone else? Does the grass look greener over the fence? Are you simply missing that feeling of exhiliartion that you felt when you first starting going out with her?

And as far as the other person you really, really like - is it lust speaking? Or do you really like them, and their values, and all their bad points, because in all honesty, relationships are not about living with all the lusty wonderful parts of a person, it's a case of "Can you live with the fucking annoying parts of a person's behaviour?"
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Old 03-01-2013, 11:08 AM   #5
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It sounds intense Pj. Relationships are always in a state of flux though, the fact that you want to be around her and hang out all the time says to me there's still something there, I think the question is, do you want to work on it? If you do, then you need to talk to her and explain that you're feeling a little off about things but you want to work on them WITH her. If you don't want to work on it, the kindest thing to do is end it but end it for the right reasons. Don't end it so you can be with someone else. If your GF doesn't realise there's a problem and one minute you're with her and the next you're with someone else, it will devastate her. Whatever you decide, be kind, both to yourself and to your GF.
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Old 03-02-2013, 06:56 AM   #6
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I kind of get where you're coming from. Like with my partner I feel like I would be way better off with someone else, a lot of the time. Yet, I can't imagine being without her. Everything we do revolves around each other, regardless of if it's intended or not. The thing is in the past year I have met some amazing people that I would be interested in romantically if it weren't for her.
I suppose you could like try and spice things up in the bedroom to figure out if it's not being sexually attracted to her. Shit's fucked up and I'd buy you a beer, but you're too far away.
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