The Suicide

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by JCC

I think he/she's doing pretty damn well in English considering it's their third language, but that doesn't make the poem any better.

That it's his third language is no excuse whatsoever, he must know he speaks it poorly, so why he's writing english poems and expecting them to be well received is beyond me.
That said, a mechanically impeccable poem would probably still suck if it was AABB verse about vampires and demons, riddled with cliches and featuring no literary devices to speak of.

[JCC]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

That it's his third language is no excuse whatsoever, he must know he speaks it poorly, so why he's writing english poems and expecting them to be well received is beyond me.
That said, a mechanically impeccable poem would probably still suck if it was AABB verse about vampires and demons, riddled with cliches and featuring no literary devices to speak of.

His English isn't actually that bad, the only thing that makes it look bad is that he uses txt speak, we've undeniably seen FAR worse English from people who were born in English-speaking countries.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by JCC

we've undeniably seen FAR worse English from people who were born in English-speaking countries.

And I don't think those people should waste bandwith with poems either.

[Vampire__Lord]

gothicus for the last time I say, I DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ANYONE, I JUST SAID THAT I WANT YOUR COMMENTS, SO IF YOU REALLY THINK IT SUCKS THEN U MADE YOUR POINT, YOU DON'T WANT TO GIVE ME ADVICES THEN JUST STOP DRIVING ME MAD BECAUSE I DON'T THINK YOUR POEMS ARE BETTER AND ENGLISH IS YOUR PRIMARY LANGUAGE SO STOP THINKING YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT...

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Vampire__Lord

I DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ANYONE, I JUST SAID THAT I WANT YOUR COMMENTS, SO IF YOU REALLY THINK IT SUCKS THEN U MADE YOUR POINT, YOU DON'T WANT TO GIVE ME ADVICES THEN JUST STOP DRIVING ME MAD

You apparently expect me to refrain from ridiculing and deprecating your awful poem out of concern for your sanity, which is certainly an unreasonable expectation.

Originally Posted by Vampire__Lord

I DON'T THINK YOUR POEMS ARE BETTER

Holy crap, then you're really hopeless.

SO STOP THINKING YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT...

Yes, I am.

[Vampire__Lord]

ok smile moron ure better so piss off :@

[morbid_doodle]

Originally Posted by Vampire__Lord

ok smile moron ure better so piss off :@

...I'm confused? How is gothicus maximus a moron? His poems are beautiful, but your poem is mediocre at best.

[Vampire__Lord]

he is a moron in treating people :S and talking to them, maybe he has better poems, but hell why does he have to be such an ass :S

[morbid_doodle]

Maybe he has a low tolerance level when it comes to dealing with idiots?

[Vampire__Lord]

i dont know why you people think that you are better than others, im not an idiot, i know lots of stuff that will take you like 3 million years to know, i try to get better at stuff i am poor at, like writing, and i am getting better, and i will get better. so really if u wanna give an advice about the poem go ahead, i would really like to hear ur opinion, anything other than the poem just keep it to urself coz i dont want to hear, and if you dont like me then the hell with you, i dont care. i am what i am and no one will change me so stop acting like jerks and be civilized for once in ur lifetime...

[Godslayer Jillian]

Edgar Allan Poe was a vicious critic.

[Vampire__Lord]

hehe that is Edgar Allan Poe, a great writer, not gothicusmaximus :P who one day might be another great writer but for now he is just a normal writer even if he thinks otherwise ...

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian

Edgar Allan Poe was a vicious critic.

That means I'm him.

[Vampire__Lord]

Damn man u really have to be more humble

[Godslayer Jillian]

Big advice from a small person.
Why ought he? He's quite proficient at his short age in his art college.
Maybe if Neruda were the one to tell him, then he might consider it; but from a person who clearly has personal issues with him for critiquing a bad poem?
Seriously, it's not even about bad English. You could have come up with perfect meter and it would still blow. Because it has no substance. It is the 'gothic' equivalent of redundant pop love songs.

[Mealla]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

What poem? I don't see any poem in this thread.

Even if a poem is written by a three-year old in crayon with misspelled words, it is still a poem. The term poem says nothing of the quality involved, however.

Originally Posted by MegearaErotica

Do you make every woman you speak to want to beat you over the head?

Though I will add that I am a woman and I don't want to beat him over the head. Beating a dead horse doesn't do much good, however.

Originally Posted by Vampire__Lord

i read one of ur poems and for real, i thought u were just talking plain english, and putting words together, it had no life, it had no taste, it was nothing

There are different styles of poetry. Not every one will be alike, not every one will have rhyme or reason to it, and I actually liked some of the imagery he used.

But...all that aside, I will first state that your English is decent for being a second or third language. You can definitely write English much better than I can write Arabic, as I don't know any Arabic, and I'm a bit more lenient with ESL speakers/writers than I am with native speakers who are just plain lazy.

Your poem, however, was cliche, and the rhythm was a bit off, but that's probably partially due to English not being your first language. I've attempted writing poetry in French, though I have the same problem, with my wording being awkward or my tense being off, because I'm not as good with French as I am with English.

And since we're sharing favorite poets, here are a few of mine:

W.B. Yeats
Edgar Allan Poe
Christina Rossetti
Dylan Thomas
T.S. Eliot

[Mealla]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

And I don't think those people should waste bandwith with poems either.

Additionally, think about where you are. It's the poetry section of a goth message board. Not a competition to select the next poet laureate.

[gothicusmaximus]

Even if a poem is written by a three-year old in crayon with misspelled words, it is still a poem. The term poem says nothing of the quality involved, however.

I was making a joke about the poor quality of the poem, not inviting you to engage me in a semantic debate.

Originally Posted by Mealla

Additionally, think about where you are. It's the poetry section of a goth message board. Not a competition to select the next poet laureate.

I don't care where I am. Unless I'm reading a book of bad poetry, I don't want to see bad poems.

[Mealla]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

I was making a joke about the poor quality of the poem.

Didn't realize you were joking. Humor can be lost in the written word.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

Vampire_lord I think you need to step back a little, gothicus is just one of those folks who a lot of people don't get along with and he doesn't get along with a lot of them.

The themes in this poem are overused and this has been said a lot, not only that but the language (and yes I know it isn't your first language so I don't think you'd have quite the vocabulary or knowledge of the different uses and contexts of certain English words needed to write some epic masterpiece) is not terribly varied.

These two things are a killer for a poem when seperate and together they spell the end for all life, if you want to seriously improve your poetry, look beyond the cliches, the stereotypes and generally look outside the box or even, inside YOUR box (why not write poems about your life Lebanon or the country and land), that and work at English, or even write a poem in your native tongue, I have read poems in many languages and had no idea about what the words actually said, but I could still understand the poem, there is a beauty in the technical arrangement and pure sound of a language, THAT is something you can play off of.

If you think someone has made an unjust criticism of your work you have two options:

1) Shuttup and take it and pursue as to why they did so in your own mind

2) Ask them about it, no matter how crass or rudely they speak to you, attempt to discern and discover what exactly has caused that reaction.

I have more I could say but I am lazy.

[Vampire__Lord]

mmmmmmmm ok i want maximus to please help me realize why he was so mean to me, and how i can improve my writing, and thank u all for being kind to me

[Apathy's_Child]

Drop the rhyme - rhyming poetry is stale, and writing in a second language will make it harder to use rhymes that aren't cliched, when there are already limited options regarding which words you can use. Use it occasionally if you want, but trying to make every single line fit in ruins the poetry of most people wo use it as a device.

Quit using cliched imagery. Write about things which have happened to you, or something you've been thinking about. The best poetry comes from the personal take on the world.

Read lots of poetry. Work out what you like and why you think it's good. It will give you ideas. Not everything you like will fit your style, but there will be things you can take on.

[Vampire__Lord]

mmmmmmm i wonder is this better?

its after midnight
all the creatures are sleeping
they are peacefully dreaming
of their loved ones
but me, i am sadly thinking
thinking of you my broken doll
i see u so far away from me
i am waiting till the day we meet
where i will carry a red rose
carry it with its thorns cutting my palm
bleeding my hand and hurting me
making me feel the pain of love
the pain of loneliness without you
but it also makes u know what i would do
i would bleed for you my love
i would lay down my life for you
all those i would do for you are my queen
you are my love, you are my life
the rose is stained with my blood
the blood coming from my heart
the heart that will always bleed for you
my love my queen my broken doll I LOVE YOU

[Apathy's_Child]

Without the rhyme, yes. The content, no. It's still dependent upon cliches.

[Vampire__Lord]

i dont understand :S do u mean it has lots of commonly used words?