The Suicide

[Vampire__Lord]

come and sit here by my side
we will light these candles tonite
sharpen with your hands these knives
for we will use them to end our lives
pray for the devils in hell
to bless us the angels that fell
grab the knife and slit your arm
show me blood, show me your charm
our blood is staining the floor
soon we will feel pain no more
tonite we will leave this world behind
we will soon be gone to join our kind
demons, devils, vampires our brothers are waiting
to help us getting rid of our heart aching
tonite will be our suicidal night
beside the black candles that shine so bright

[Vampire__Lord]

This poem is written by me, i would really love to hear ur opinion :$ thank u all.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Vampire__Lord

This poem

What poem? I don't see any poem in this thread.

[The Antichrist]

Originally Posted by Vampire__Lord

come and sit here by my side
we will light these candles tonite
sharpen with your hands these knives
for we will use them to end our lives
pray for the devils in hell
to bless us the angels that fell
grab the knife and slit your arm
show me blood, show me your charm
our blood is staining the floor
soon we will feel pain no more
tonite we will leave this world behind
we will soon be gone to join our kind
demons, devils, vampires our brothers are waiting
to help us getting rid of our heart aching
tonite will be our suicidal night
beside the black candles that shine so bright

Thats good.Alot better than mine.

[JCC]

Originally Posted by The Antichrist

Thats good.Alot better than mine.

Sadly, this is true, but I don't want to herald this poem as a 'winner' by any stretched definition of the term.

[Duane]

Hm... don't worry, I had a very rough start, too.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Duane

Hm... don't worry, I had a very rough start, too.

You still suck though.

[Duane]

Thank you for putting it so delicately.

[Fatbaby]

It uses to many cliche images and ends weak.

[Vampire__Lord]

mmmm thanks for the advices, and btw gothicusmaximus, are u always so rude :S i mean hell u could have said it shitty and not piss off all the ppl around :S i know its weak btw this was my first rhyming poem and i am happy with it. anyways for all the other ppl i loved ur comments, and appreciate ur advice Fatbaby thank u

[Fatbaby]

Here's some more advice.
Stop using smiley faces.

[Vampire__Lord]

hahahaha, ok that advice has nothing to do with poems but ill try to show less smilies...

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Vampire__Lord

mmmm thanks for the advices, and btw gothicusmaximus, are u always so rude :S i mean hell u could have said it shitty and not piss off all the ppl around :S i know its weak btw this was my first rhyming poem and i am happy with it. anyways for all the other ppl i loved ur comments, and appreciate ur advice Fatbaby thank u

If reading this abomination inspires in you any feeling beyond utter disgust with yourself, I doubt very much that you'll ever get anywhere as a poet.

[MegearaErotica]

Oh shove off! I thought it was cute! Can't you be just a little more polite to people?

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by MegearaErotica

Oh shove off! I thought it was cute! Can't you be just a little more polite to people?

Cute? Koalas are cute. A black-clad teenager waddling over to the institution of english poetry and taking a massive, fibrous shit all over it isn't.

[MegearaErotica]

Well, you could have been a little less brutal, and actually given him some pointers. It's not politee to bruise someone's self-esteem just because you've seen better. Give him a list of your favorite poets to study or something. Besides, I always think people trying out a new form cute.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by MegearaErotica

Well, you could have been a little less brutal, and actually given him some pointers. It's not politee to bruise someone's self-esteem just because you've seen better. Give him a list of your favorite poets to study or something. Besides, I always think people trying out a new form cute.

Why should I waste time giving advice to someone apparently so ignorant of poetic conventions that he doesn't realize that cobbling together 'dark' cliches into a mass of sloppy couplets isn't verse? He could have figured that out himself by doing what everyone should do before attempting to write a poem-- read a few.

[MegearaErotica]

Uh! You make me so angry sometimes and yet I think he could have used some more experience before going posting one on the forum. *sigh* Do you make every woman you speak to want to beat you over the head?

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by MegearaErotica

*sigh* Do you make every woman you speak to want to beat you over the head?

Something like that...

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by Vampire__Lord

mmmm thanks for the advices, and btw gothicusmaximus, are u always so rude :S i mean hell u could have said it shitty and not piss off all the ppl around :S i know its weak btw this was my first rhyming poem and i am happy with it. anyways for all the other ppl i loved ur comments, and appreciate ur advice Fatbaby thank u

Want some more advice? Learn English. Capitalize words that start sentences, write out words like "YOU" which is only three fucking letters I might add, and stop putting emotes every two words, you look like a moron.

[Vampire__Lord]

joker look man i really do know english, and writing letters like u well i only do that when i am writing formal english, i am from lebanon an arab country u moron, and ppl around here dont speak english like u probably wood, so when u can pronounce the arabic letters properly or even give it a fucking try, then u come and tell me learn english, and btw i do read all the time, not stupid poems, and not stupid books, i read about paolo coelho, and shakespear, and capitalize all the letters at the begining of each sentence well do i look like im writing a formal letter to some big company or what? piss off coz i know 3 languages and u only know one, and giving ppl advices is cool and i would love to get advices from all of u, but one thing i hate is ppl that brag about something they know since they were babies, and think theyre the best and better than all the ppl, well i am good in arabic, but i dont see myself bragging that i am better than any of YOU, i really thank Mageara she is nice, and plus gothicus maximus i read one of ur poems and for real, i thought u were just talking plain english, and putting words together, it had no life, it had no taste, it was nothing, and u might have seen a better poem than mine, but well u cant write shit near me, this poem i wrote it took me 10 minutes when i was in the math course in the university, well i wrote some better poems that i didnt post but then why am i talking to a person that doesnt know a shit about me or what i write...

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Vampire__Lord

joker look man i really do know english, and writing letters like u well i only do that when i am writing formal english, i am from lebanon an arab country u moron, and ppl around here dont speak english like u probably wood, so when u can pronounce the arabic letters properly or even give it a fucking try, then u come and tell me learn english, and btw i do read all the time, not stupid poems, and not stupid books, i read about paolo coelho, and shakespear, and capitalize all the letters at the begining of each sentence well do i look like im writing a formal letter to some big company or what? piss off coz i know 3 languages and u only know one, and giving ppl advices is cool and i would love to get advices from all of u, but one thing i hate is ppl that brag about something they know since they were babies, and think theyre the best and better than all the ppl, well i am good in arabic, but i dont see myself bragging that i am better than any of YOU,

You don't know English. You suck at it and shouldn't attempt to write poems in it. I don't attempt to write poems in languages I can barely speak, then expect them to earn me praise.

and plus gothicus maximus i read one of ur poems and for real, i thought u were just talking plain english, and putting words together, it had no life, it had no taste, it was nothing, and u might have seen a better poem than mine, but well u cant write shit near me, this poem i wrote it took me 10 minutes when i was in the math course in the university, well i wrote some better poems that i didnt post but then why am i talking to a person that doesnt know a shit about me or what i write...

I would just like to point out, to the people who told me to give this person advice, that he's too deluded to even recognize that his poems are abysmal and apparently lacks any conception of what a good poem is.

[JCC]

I think he/she's doing pretty damn well in English considering it's their third language, but that doesn't make the poem any better. I'll write out a list of poets because I've honestly nothing better to do at half past midnight.

Arthur Rimbaud
Paul Verlaine
Victor Hugo
Charles Bukowski
Edgar Allan Poe
Charles Baudelaire
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Dante Alighieri
Alan Booth
Allen Ginsberg
Anne Sexton
Siegfried Sassoon
Seamus Heaney
Ted Hughes
Philip Larkin
Samuel Beckett
Paul Eluard
T.S. Eliot
William Wordsworth
John Keats
William Blake

That's a decent list to get started on I guess.

[MegearaErotica]

*groans* Gothicus...
You're going to start to analyze every post of his, aren't you?

[Vampire__Lord]

Thank you JCC I really appreciate your help, and Megeara don't worry he makes me laugh :P and for you Gothicus please I never said that I think my poem is great. I only said that I want you to comment on it. And (don't tell me you can't start a sentence with AND because you can) I am not waiting for you to praise me for my poems, i just posted this poem so that i can get advice to make better ones. Thank you all...