Advice please, on how to deal with a cheating fuck?

[ExistentialDisorder]

I apologize if this is in the wrong board, but it seemed the logical place. I'll probably regret having asked this, as I usually tend to regret these sort of things later on, but I am hoping that possibly some of you out there might lend some advice on how to deal with a situation, or how you've dealt with similar situations.

I've been in a relationship for nearly 2 years. We live together. He moved out here from CA to live with me, nearly 2 years ago. It has not been the greatest relationship, from the beginning. We don't argue or fight or even really have disagreements. At least not vocally. But we have very little common interests which prevents us from really being interested in spending much time together. But for the last several months - close to a year now - I have suspected, at times, that he's been up to some shit. I've found different clues here and there, names and phone numbers on pieces of paper, once I even found directions to a hotel. That was quite a while back tho. I've confronted him on a few of these things that I've found in the past and he always has some explanation that seems logical to him. He's rather secretive about his phone calls too. Its rare that he gets any calls on the house phone, and whenever his cell phone rings, he always leaves the room or goes outside. If I happen to walk into the room he's in, he quickly leaves. But then claims its his parents. He also tends to hide his phone, tho I've never actually tried looking through it. The other shit i've found in the past is most always found by accident while looking for something else or cleaning. We've discussed the whole relationship thing at various times and he knows my views on monogamy. He'd have to be an idiot by now, not to know them.

I keep going back and forth on whether I should actually do something about my suspicions or just let things continue going as they are. I wonder if I'm being overly paranoid and letting my lack of faith and trust in anybody influence these suspicions, or if I'm correct by trusting my gutt instinct. Then I question how much I'd care if the relationship did end. I don't want to blow up and kick him out, then discover later that I was wrong all along. And even if I am correct, I think I'd feel guilty if I booted him out and he'd not have a place to go, except back to CA, which he claims he doesn't want to do.

Then the kicker came this weekend. I work 7 days a week, and on Wednesdays and Sundays I work 12 hours each. He knows this, and I think he's used it to his advantage on more than one occasion. Well, he works mon-fri as a dept manager, typical 9 hour days. Recently he was put on a renovation team for another store, which changed his schedule. His status as dept manager automatically made him a supervisor over the renovation project and now he's working - supposedly - some 65+ hours a week. He worked a few hours sat morning, then said he had to work again sat night from 10pm til about 8am sun morning. He told me about this earlier in the week and for some reason I immediately smelt bullshit, but didn't say anything. Well, he knows that I leave for work around 7 or 8am every sunday, and usually don't get home until 6 or 7 in the evening. He left the house sat. night around 830, saying he was going to get something to eat and wanted to buy some things prior to going into work at 10 that night. So he left. Sun morning when 9am rolled around and he wasn't here, I knew my suspicions about his having to work sat night started proving to be correct. so i waited. Because of the nature of my job, I can somewhat set my own hours. So I deliberately did not leave the house until 11am. Around noon I called home and spoke to my brother to see if Matt (the boyfriend), had shown up and of course he hadn't. Even my brother has been asking me lately what Matt has been up to and that it seems strange even to him. So I told my brother that if he showed up and asked what time I'd left, to say that I left early. Well long story short (kind of), I cut my day short and got home around 530. My brother tells me then that Matt has not been home all day, which I had a feeling would be the case. I made sure to ask my neice and nephew if they had seen or heard from matt at all, because my bro has a tendency of not knowing who comes or goes all day long at times, even though I'd asked him to pay attention to what time, if any, matt showed up. but the kids were here all day. And of course they said the same thing, that he had not been home. I wasn't surprised.

Finally, about 7pm, Matt called, wanting to know if I needed him to pick up anything on his way home. No explanation of where he'd been or why, obviously because he assumed i'd most-likely just gotten home. I didn't need anything and he showed up around 730. I didn't say shit. I was watching tv, trying to hide my extremely pissed off state. That, however, required that I not look at him or say much to him for a while. Whether he suspected that I was on to something or not I don't know. Anyway, nothing was said. He came home wearing different clothes than what he'd left the house with Sat night, and when I casually asked if he'd worn that shirt to work (pretending that i thought he worked sunday), he said no, that he'd come home and changed clothes, then went to watch the football game with some guys from work. RIGHT. But I let it go.

When he called at 7, my first instinct was to tell him to stay where ever the fuck he'd been all night and that I'd call him when ever I decided he could come and get his shit out of my house, if at all. But I didn't. My brother suggested we change the locks on the doors so he can't come back even while we're gone. But again, didn't do that either. Tho I might.

I want to be sure that I'm not just being overly untrusting before I jump to any conclusions. On the surface, it seems logical that he is doing something - or someone - that he's not suppose to be doing. But he'll never admit to it. If I ask him, he'll make up some fucked up excuse, as always.

I've been thinking about putting a pc monitoring program on the computer, because if he is fucking around, then he's doing it through the pc. We use the same computer - its his, actually - he bought it last year because mine died - and we have seperate windows log-ins. He always clears his history whenever he's online, so I can't see what sites he's been to. Last night he installed aol. i wonder why... But if i do the monitoring thing and he finds out, well, i'm screwed. I don't know just how stealth those things are, and windows always notifies both users when new programs are added.

I figure, whatever he was up to sat night/sunday, if i don't say anything about it right now, he'll think he got away with it, and will do it again - possibly next weekend. Then maybe one day he'll come home to changed locks, or to his shit sitting on the curb. I don't know.

I do know that I have held up my side of the faithfulness thing. I've talked to people online here and there, but I've never once met, or even tried to set up a meeting, with any of them in the time that he and i have been together. I've never even so much as had a phone conversation with anybody else since he and I got together. Its not so much the jealousy factor.

I can understand his desire to possibly meet somebody else, because as I stated earlier, the relationship is not that good. I have had the same desire. Afterall, why be with someone you don't have anything in common with, or enjoy being with, and prevent yourself from meeting somebody else that might make a better match? My biggest problem with the whole situation is dishonesty, and doing shit behind my back, then lying to me about it.

I'd much rather him tell me point blank that he's fucking somebody else, or 10 somebody elses, than him sneaking around doing it and pretending to be mr. innocent. Plus the fact that he's in my house. Its complete disrespect.

I'm just not sure at this point what I should do. The last time I had to deal with a lying asshole, it did not end pretty and I wound up doing some seriously nasty shit to him, which caused him to lose his job and several friends. Part of me regrets it, but the other part still says he deserved it. But we didn't live together. I can get rather creative with my revenge tactics. I was treated like utter shit in that relationship, and tho I gave him ample opportunity to end everything peacefuly, maturely, and go our seperate ways, he chose to keep me as his puppet. Partly my fault, but when I finally woke up, I realised I had two options - walk away with my tail between my legs cause I'd lost him anyway, or make sure he remembered my name the next time he decided to play games with someone. Still, I don't want this to end the same way. I'd rather us be friends, hell even room mates if desired, and keep everything mature. But I refuse to be lied to and walked on....

[WolfMoon]

I'm a fan of getting all the evidence gathered before finding someone guilty. While it does seem fishy, I'd try to find out where exactly he's been. If that's possible. If you do find out he's cheating, kick him to the curb. Case closed.

[~Nix Nightingale~]

OK...
I will only tell you what I believe from what you've compiled here. I went through the same this with an ex of mine, and yes he was being devious behind my back. no offense, but even if you are wrong, in this situation, i think your life may indeed be better without him... as it doesn't really seem he has been contributing much in the first place. In my opinion, if i was in the same situtaion, he would indeed come home to changed locks and all his stuff on the porch. If he doesn't feel the need to explain or be honest with you, then why shouldn't you be extended the same courtesy. 1 of 2 things will happen if you do this.... he will A. just leave knowing you found out with no trouble or B. be so cocky and self assured he's gotten away with it that he will tell you your nuts and imagining things.

Thats all i'm going to say. but if you need to talk, feel free to PM me and i can send you my e-mail address. i know what it's like to be in your situation...



i hope it all works out for you sweetie!

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Having now been on both sides of the Infidelity situation, I feel fairly comfortable giving my opinion to you.

1. If he is leaving the room when he is on the phone, or walking away when you approach him while he is on the phone, something is definitely up. Same thing if he is on the PC. If he freaks out when you walk up behind him, he is hiding something for sure.

2. If he clears his cache everytime he is online, he is hiding something. Big time.

3. If he comes back home in different clothes, tell-tale hanky panky sign. Or if he comes home and IMMEDIATELY bathes. You can also check his car out when you think you have a stealthy moment or two available.

4. If you ask for his cellphone or his passwords for any Instant Messenger programs or email accounts he has and he refuses or gets OBVIOUSLY defensive, he's up to something.

5. If you get a copy of the cell phone bill, look at his call history. See if particular numbers are repeated besides the normal ones he should be calling.

6. If you have a suspicion about one of the numbers, do a Reverse Lookup on the number. Unless its a cell phone, you should be able to find the person's name and address that the number is registered under. Don't be afraid to call numbers that you think are suspicious.

7. You can install a key stroke logger that will log every keystroke he makes, you can also make it a 'hidden' program so it not apparent to him it's running. It depends on how computer savvy he really is with PC's.

8. If he is using AOL try and get a peek at his chat log files.

9. If he claims to be working, start calling his work and verifying he is actually there when he claims to be there.

10. If all else fails, follow him and see where he goes or get someone with a car he doesn't recognize to help you.

I had an ex that had alternate profiles on a particular artists forum called Elftown. One was his 'Regular' profile and one was his 'Super Duper Extra Top Secret' profile that he made sure only the girls he had relationships online with knew about.

Things like that are HUGE warning signs.

Also look at the My Recent Documents option on your start bar. That will show you what pictures or files or programs were recently viewed. Check your Temporary Internet Files and History on your C: Drive as well. He may not have cleared both.

If you were in Love with this man, and felt like this was something you could work through together as a couple, I'd say confront him and try and start over together. But since admittedly the relationship is unsatisfying at best, AND you feel this way I suggest you get to the bottom of the suspected infidelity and throw his lying ass out of your house.

Sadly I wish I wasn't so knowledgeable on ways to catch a cheating man, but everything is a learning experience I suppose. Least I can put all of this creepy knowledge to good use for once.

Plus now I am blessed with the Most Amazing Man in the Cosmos. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but his Patience, Understanding and Love are the Best thing that ever happened to me. Being treated the RIGHT way goes a VERY long way towards erasing many of the previous bad memories I have of my ex.

PM me if you need to talk.
I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this Hun.

*Hugs*

[Needled]

I'm only 14, so of course I have never been in a serious relationship, and my opinion probably doesn't mean much BUT.. I agree with eyesoftragedy. If you guys don't have anything in common and don't really care much for spending time together, what is keeping you in this relationship? You've been together for 2 years and you said yourself that it has never been that great. Hasn't and isn't. If I were you I would stay with him long enough to find out whether he is guilty of cheating, and if he is- well, you know what to do from there. If you find that he isn't, I think you would still be better off to call the relationship off and just remain on friendly terms. Then you could pursue a much more fulfilling relationship. I mean, you really don't want to spend the rest of your life with this guy do you? If the answer is no, why are you wasting valuable time?!

[edible_eye]

e_p_s's list sure is thorough. damn...

my opinion? sounds like too much fuckin' work just to be suspicious and unhappy. a good finger in the face and a clear - "get lost" might serve you well.

[Blushing Heliophobe]

Take it from a previously divorced woman.

If he always leaves the room to talk on his phone, goes out for suspicious reasons, and just something doesn't seem right, he's probably either fucking someone else or wants to. I found out that my ex fucked someone else the day before he proposed to me.

Even if he's not having sex with someone else (technicaly or yet) it still sounds like you can't trust him and you have no connection at all.

I can't blame you. The love-you-for-no-reason relationships in which you hate each other can be extremely addicting. I still tried to get back with the asshole after he admittedly dipped his ding-ding in nasty punani.

But I can tell you that as long as you are with this guy, you are passing up a chance for happiness, even if it is alone.

I trust my husband with my life, and if I get suspicious about anything, I can just ask him about it and I get the truth, and he doesn't get offended. Try finding someone that you can ask questions and will get an honest answer. With a lot of guys out there, if you allow them to treat you like this then they will. It's not fair but that's how a lot of them operate.

[Phayte]

I've been cheated on before in two different relationships. Do yourself a favor and leave him now before things get worse. Your obviously not happy and you've found more then enough red flags to brand him a cheater.

[Phayte]

That's just as bad to me if not worse.

[Needled]

Originally Posted by Xnguela

Unless he's a drug dealer. That could explain a lot, too.

When I read that I laughed, but actually it's pretty true. When I was younger and my mom and dad used to try to hide the fact that they did/deal drugs, they would also leave the room when they got calls as well as made them. Once I got older my mom would even go to erasing the caller id, and all these other drastic measures.

My mom always bitches about my dad when he gets home late from work because she thinks he's getting high and not coming home. She doesn't like it when he gets some without her.

At least now they're honest with me, although I've known for so long. *Sigh* They thought I NEVER knew.

[ExistentialDisorder]

LOL - he's not a drug dealer. He doesn't even drink or smoke. I'd know if he was. My ex was a drug dealer.

I have driven by his work on a few occasions, when he's supposedly working odd hours and his car is not there. The couple times I've questioned him on it he claims he was at lunch, or got off early and went shopping. Yet there are no bags.

We have discussed it in the past. I've asked him point blank if he's ever cheated or even attempted to cheat and he swears no. Of course he's going to deny it.

There's changes in his overall moods too lately. I'd say over the last two months. Nothing dramatic, just different subtleties. Can't really explain it. Just the kind of things you notice after you've lived with someone for two years.

We don't hate each other. At least not from my point of view. There have been some good times. Like I said, we never argue or fight about anything, ever. We just don't do anything together. So why keep wasting time, I know. Mostly out of convenience on both parts I guess. It's weird. But still, after two years of living together, you tend to develop some sort of affection for that person, especially when the original motivation behind living with them was affection. But I entered all of this for the wrong reasons. It started out because of my ex and all the drama and bullshit that resulted from that. I needed someone to focus on, that was a complete contrast to the last fuckhead, so I put that focus on Matt. Because otherwise I would have driven myself insane. I know its fucked up, and definately not a reason to get involved with someone. But without going into a ton of detail, that's the best way I can explain it. I really did have every intention of trying to establish a good relationship with him from the beginning, and I thought it could help us both. But when you have nothing in common, and try forcing things, its like mixing oil and water. Whatever... A conversation with him is in order, but I hate doing that shit. I've always hated confrontation. And if it results in ending everything, then I'll be alone again, which I hate being, as pathetic as it may sound. At least with Matt, there is somebody there that at least half-way gives a shit.

I can't search his car. He keeps his keys. I left a pack of smokes in his car christmas night and when I asked him for his key to go get them, he instead got up out of bed, got dressed and went to get them for me. He's got an alarm on it that beeps pretty loud whenever the door is locked or unlocked so he'd hear it even if I snuck out there while he's sleeping.

I'll just have to figure out what method of approach I'm going to take. It's pissing me off because I'm trying to finish a manuscript and work on some other graphics projects, but lately I can't focus enough on those things without thinking about this shit.

[Surgeon Méchant De Sang]

I honestly don't think that you should let yourself be dragged through the mud like this, because this really isn't all that fair to you. I agree with most of the people on this board that you should at least give yourself a chance at happiness. So I say that you should change the locks, and throw him, and all his worldly possesions to the curb. He's not worth it...

[rubygloommel]

I agree with anyone that says you should leave him, unless something comes up that fixes all the problems between the two of you, which isn't so likely, because it seems even before the suspicion, the two of you weren't really happy anyway. If you can't trust him, then he probably is up to something, and even if not, it means there's nothing in this relationship, of course you might feel upset for a while, but eventually you'll fell happy and find a guy you trust and enjoy spending time with.
I:
a.hope this helped
and
b.hope i didnt sound too much like an automated love-yourself-in-20-minutes phone message

[WolfMoon]

Hey ED, can we get an update?

[ExistentialDisorder]

Thanks for all the advice, folks. The whole situation is still up in the air. But as per your request WolfMoon,

This past saturday night, he made the grave mistake of leaving his wallet behind when he left "for work". I was playing warcraft online with my little brother and didn't even notice the thing laying here beside the desk, until matt called asking about it. He mentioned something about not realizing it until he went to pay and I asked him what was he paying for if he was at work. So anyway, I went digging, and found several phone numbers, one address for agusta GA, 3 ticket stub credit card receipts for movie theaters all dated at times when he was supposedly working overnight, each one for 2 tickets. And, the kicker, a hotel key card. You know, the kind that look like credit cards but you put them in the door to a hotel room... Doesn't say what hotel tho. Movie tickets aren't so bad, even if its for two, and even if its when he's suppose to be working. But movies don't last all night. And on top of that, they were for movies we'd talked about going to see together, which pisses me off even more. So anyway... I kept all of this. Except the numbers. I wrote them down and then did reverse number look ups online. Some could only tell me the city/area. I got a full name and number from the address in augusta tho. I might make a phone call. But I haven't mentioned anything to matt about it yet. I thought he knew I'd taken the stuff the next day cause he was acting rather sheepish. But apparently not cause he hasn't brought it up and I've pretended everything is normal so far. Not sure how I'll confront him. Might ask him what movie he's going to see this weekend. Dunno. Or maybe I'll give the hotel key and ticket stubs back to him in a card on valentine's day.

[leticia]

i dunno. i was cheated on but i took him back. we're engaged now. maybe the situation was different with me. a lot of people have said i was stupid but looking back now i honestly don't regret it.

[Cruel Intentions]

Some guys (girls too) are rather nervous about doing things with friends when it comes to telling their partners. Why? I don't know and although this guy's activities do seem very suspicious at best, he could just be nervous. I remember a friend (only a friend) of mine (who I've long since lost contact with through laziness more than anything) who would never tell me anything about where he'd been or who he'd been seeing. Sure, he went to the movies or a club with other girls than his partner, but it was as friends because they were quite happy to tell me they had been out with him. He was just really panicky that his girlfriend would find out what he had been doing and jump to the wrong conclusion.

Now, by no means am I saying you've got it wrong. This guy does seem to be up to something since he's gone such a long way to cover his tracks but consider both sides of it before you pass judgement. Assuming he was faithful, do you think he would be suspicious if you went to the theatre with another guy? Even if it was only as friends?

Just so no one tries to kill me for this, I am not sticking up for this guy. I am just looking at both sides of it.