Trailer Park - Page 2

Aaroneet · 06-07-2007, 10:40 AM

That's interesting. I would've never associated "Trailer Park" with THE CATCHER IN THE RYE.

HumanePain · 06-07-2007, 08:24 PM

Haha! I was referring to the First Person format of The Catcher in the Rye, not the story itself, although it was pretty scary the first few pages!

Dancing_in_rain · 06-10-2007, 06:25 PM

Write more...please? *puppy eyes*
Aaroneet...isn't like "The Birds"? It's incredible. I really do see the correlation (is that the right word?). Humane, you must go and read Du Maurier's story now. Go! No arguing. Do it now. Oh. And write more please?!?

HumanePain · 06-10-2007, 06:38 PM

OK, I will go read Daphne Du Maurier's The Birds. I love reading, so it isn't like you have to order me

And THEN I will write more, so you have to wait, heehee!

Invisigoth69 · 06-10-2007, 06:44 PM

DAMN. Yeah, I dig that. VEry nice work!

HumanePain · 10-31-2007, 08:13 AM

I also ressurect this composition as well for a good old Halloween scare.
Enjoy!

:bump:

egamirorrim · 01-09-2008, 07:20 PM

I appreciate your use of imagery. It paints such a picture in my mind.

HumanePain · 01-09-2008, 07:22 PM

Thank you! It warms my writer's heart to know that this story still brings enjoyment to readers over a year after I wrote it!

HumanePain · 05-09-2008, 05:34 PM

Chapter 4

I opened my eyes and notice it's quiet this morning. Maybe they're gone.

I get up off the floor and look at JoAnn still sleeping on the trailer bed. She is sleeping but I see bumps moving on her pregnant belly, her baby moving around. I grit my teeth and try not to think of what may happen if I fail.

I crawl quiet like to the door and then get up to peer out the window. I move a coat on a hanger on the back of the door, and the curtain out of the way and my heart sank: the whole damn pack is sleeping right outside. One of the big ones, a rottweiler or something lifts its head up and sniffs, then looks right at me. The damn thing just stares. Crap.

I let go of the curtain and coat and it slides back in place with a swish, and I notice a flash of morning light as the coathanger swings in front of a sunbeam shining in the back window. The hanger...is a wire hanger.

My heart skips a beat, and something I hadn't felt in weeks fills me up: hope! I got an idea!

I go scramblin on my one good leg and hop over to the trailer closet and open the door, I don't care about noise now.

I hear the dogs sniffing at the door, and one starts barking and another growls, but hell I don't care, let those damn dogs bark, those damn stupid dogs! I'll kill em! I'll kill 'em all! Ha! Man isn't the master for nothin!

The racket wakes up JoAnn, she is holding her tummy.

"Renee, what? What are you looking for?"

"Hangers JoAnn! HANGERS!" I start ripping the shirts and blouses and what ever off the hangers, those beautiful shiny, smooth, strong wire hangers!

I start untwisting them hangers where they turn into a loop, making them straight, JoAnn staring at me with a worried look like I am crazy or something. Ha! Wait till she see what I got planned!

After I get the first three undone, I curve one around, into a loop till the end crosses the other end. I take the end and start wrapping it around so that the one end that is inside the coil can slide back and forth, but my fingers can't make a tight coil.

"JoAnn, you got pliers?"

"Uh I don't know, Mike has a tool box under the sink."

I open up the cupboard under the sink and open up a rusty green toolbox, and there is the most beautiful thing I seen in a long time: big needle nose pliers. I am actually smiling now!

I start needle nosing that damn hanger end tight around that other end, I want to make sure no amount of pulling will unwrap it, but it's gotta let the other end slide!

Then I get another straightend out hanger and start twisting the two together, like a Western Union Splice I saw one of the electricians do at the mill one day. The guy said it gives the joint strength.

I wrap those two ends together over and over with those pliers, and now it takes shape so that JoAnn sees my bright idea.

"You making a noose Renee? You...you're gonna hang those dogs?"

"Damn right girl! I am gonna pull so tight I'll cut their damn heads off! Haha!"
I am laughing, and notice JoAnn actually smiling at me. She came over while I am working the wire, and puts her hand on my shoulder.

"You think it will work? How you gonna get those dogs to put their heads through a noose?"

"Bait baby, bait!"

She looks out the window, the dogs are too close to the door for her to count them all.

"Better make extra, one of 'em might pull away with the wire on his head."

"Well I gotta knife too woman, I am gonna pull 'em in close and stab their sorry ass!"

She actually laughed. I hadn't felt this good in weeks. God it was better being stuck with somebody instead of all alone.

Kristin · 05-12-2008, 02:08 AM

Darn you HP! Darn you to heck! You're the reason I'm unable to sleep right now. Farkin' creepy story. I've been searching for your other story, When Crows Sleep, and can't find it. Do you have the link?

HumanePain · 05-12-2008, 03:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kristin

Darn you HP! Darn you to heck! You're the reason I'm unable to sleep right now. Farkin' creepy story. I've been searching for your other story, When Crows Sleep, and can't find it. Do you have the link?

Here you go:

https://www.gothic.net/boards/showthread.php?t=4508

(and it's "When Bats Sleep"

Thank you for reading!)

Kristin · 05-12-2008, 04:03 AM

Hee hee, I had actually looked that title up 3 times while searching for it and still got it wrong! Shows you how tired I am. Thanks for the link!

Hey, I'm wanting to send out my short story to magazines, but I'm looking for an honest critique first. I don't want to post it online in case I'd be violating the "first electronic publishing rights" rule, if it gets accepted. Would you be interested in reading it?

L'Oiseau Noir · 05-12-2008, 05:38 AM

I really enjoyed this piece, and surprisingly don't have many nitpicks besides a few misplaced commas here and there, and just a wee bit of repetition. But it was nothing so big it detracted from the story.

I loved the imagery you used, and some of the similes and metaphors you chose were quite good. I especially liked the one about the shadow bats in the first chapter.

You should definitely look to entering some competitions H.P. Maybe Writer's Digest? The first deadline's this Thursday, but there's a late deadline for June 2. You'll just have to pay two dollars extra on top of the ten dollar entry fee. I'd like to compete against you, you'd be a great opponent.

Keep the stuff coming, H.P! I utterly look forward to it.

HumanePain · 05-12-2008, 06:12 AM

Gosh! Thanks Madam Mayor!

I am still practicing here on Gnet, I didn't think I was good enough to compete yet. Maybe I will enter the contest!

Thanks to you too Kristin! Nothing motivates my writing more than feedback from readers.

And yes, I would love to read your writing, just post what you've got! And don't be timid.

Kristin · 05-12-2008, 06:24 AM

Okay, I'll post it, and if I foresee a problem with first publishing rights in the off chance that I get a bite from an editor, I can just ask that the story be removed for the time being.

And I enjoyed When Bats Sleep too. I got the title right! I think. LOL I didn't sleep at all last night. It doesn't help when a huge spider crawls across your skin when you're trying to rest. *shudders*

HumanePain · 05-12-2008, 07:25 AM

The publishing and copyright worries can be solved on FictionPress dot com.
When you post there it is automatically copyrighted and published. Then you can post here. That's what I do.