Gnet And The Temple Of Trolls

[Saya]

CAMERA PANS AROUND A LARGE DIMLY LIT ROOM. BOOKSHELVES LINE THE WALLS, CRAMMED FULL WITH ANCIENT TOMES WHOSE NAMES CANNOT REALLY BE READ FROM THE DISTANCE, WE'LL PROBABLY FILL IT UP WITH CARBOARD CUT OUTS. THE ROOM ITSELF IS ALSO FILLED WITH BOOKSHELF UPON BOOKSHELF, A SMALL PERSONAL LIBRARY. UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS, THE KIND THAT PROMISES HIGH ADVENTURE AND GOOD TIMES FOR ALL.

THE CAMERA EVENTUALLY REVEALS SAYA SITTING IN THE CORNER IN A HUGE ARMCHAIR, WRAPPED UP WITH A WARM BLANKET, AND A LARGE OMINOUS TOME OPEN IN HER LAP. PURRING ON THE LEFT ARM OF THE CHAIR IS HER FAVOURITE KITTY CAT WHO REALLY WANTED TO MAKE A CAMEO. HERE THERE IS PEACE.

THE PEACE IS BROKEN BY THE SOUND OF AN OPENING DOOR, AND SOON APATHY STEPS OUT FROM BEHIND A BOOKSHELF. SAYA FROWNS AND PUTS HER BOOK ASIDE.

Apathy: So, here's where you're hiding.

Saya: There's no where else to go, Apathy, all the tubes are blocked up.

Apathy: Not all of them, Saya.

Saya: All the ones I'd like to travel through are. Anyway, I doubt you'd make it to my small corner if it wasn't important.

Apathy: You're right, lets just get down to it. [pulls a chair across from Saya, sits and opens a briefcase. He hands Saya a folder.] From the time the trouble started, there have been sightings of Trolls who didn't have any troubles accessing the tubes, even the ones that are supposed to be completely blocked off. I sent a small team to track them, and they managed to download this document before they were discovered. We think the Trolls are probably behind this. Trouble is, there are things in the documents that we can't make out, and with all search engines down, we're at a loss. I was hoping you could tell us what this means.

Saya: [reads through the document, at first amused, and a few giggles escape. But then her face suddenly becomes serious. She reads it twice, then puts it down and shakes her head.] How reliable is your source?

Apathy: Absolutely reliable.

Saya: [grows pale, and sink back into her chair.] This is terrible, Apathy.

Apathy: What? What does it mean?

Saya: Well, I suppose that you read that they are looking for The Holy Prepuce. Its an ancient relic that went missing years ago, although it was considered important, no one really knew what powers it possessed. It seems that whoever these people are, they discovered its true power. Apathy, they are trying to take over the internet, but that is only the first step of their true plan.

Apathy: Wait, this thing is real? We thought it must be code for something. What does an ancient relic have to do with modern day internet?

Saya: Well, really its just a plot device. And a pretty funny one. Its also going to make this adventure educational.

Apathy: Edu...cational?

Saya: Oh hell yes. We might learn a thing or two.

Apathy: Okay, so how does this relic exactly help the Trolls take over the internet?

Saya: To my understanding, they are blocking the tubes of the internet to make it impossible for others to travel, ultimately we'll be unable to stop them once they uncover The Prepuce. The internet, you see, is not a dump truck...

Apathy: I'm not an idiot, I fucking know its a series of tubes. Get on with it.

Saya: Okay, so you know everything about tubes, how this reality was established, how we use pictures of cute animals as currency, how we organize ourselves by site allegiance...

Apathy: Yes yes yes, no exposition or explanation required. None whatsoever.

Saya: Okay, so, The Prepuce was stolen in the eighties to allow internet to develop at a frightening rate, it is the door between the two worlds. It will give them the ability not only to control what goes through the tubes, but they will also gain the ability to travel outside the tubes. The internet will leak out into real life. This is their goal.

Apathy: [grows pale himself] My god. The real world?

Saya: Yes, Apathy. President Salad Fingers will invade Iraq, 4Chan will reign the streets at night, Inception really ends in a Rick Roll, we'll meet our true selves, and no doubt be driven to depression and suicide as a result. The fools, they're disturbing the natural order of things. The fabric of our universes might be torn apart, this could mean the end of both worlds.

Apathy: I see where this is going. We have to find the Prepuce. What does it look like?

Saya: Erm, well, its held in a jeweled box...um, its kinda...um...[grows red from embarrassment]

Apathy: What? What is it? Is this a hentai thing?

Saya: Well, no, not exactly...What the Prepuce is, is, well, um...the foreskin of Jesus Christ.

Apathy:...WHAT?

Saya: Its true! See, people used to keep relics, like a strand of hair from The Virgin Mary, some straw from the manager where Jesus was born...why wouldn't they keep his foreskin if they thought to preserve the straw from the stable he was born in?

Apathy: And this is where the power of the internet comes from?!

Saya: Absolutely! Where did you think it came from? Science?

Apathy: Okay, okay...so, we need to find this box.

Saya: Well, have fun!

Apathy: What? You have to come with me, Saya. You're the one wasting your life studying this shit, this is just about the only time its going to come in handy. Its going to save the world!

Saya: Well that's just it, Apathy, I only know about the Prepuce because its fucking funny to think about people going on a pilgrimage to honour the foreskin of Jesus Christ. The tubes to my university's website is blocked, I can't access any verified information, most of what I have here is is Eastern religion stuff. Why didn't you ask someone who probably knows more? I'd ask Humane.

Apathy: There's the problem, Saya. Humane was leading the team that discovered the document. After they were found out, he disappeared.

Saya: [gets up slowly, folds her arms and walks toward a window. She stares out into the night, sighs, and then grabs a hat and a whip hanging on the side of a shelf.] Alright, I'm in. I can't leave the internet, real life AND Humane in terrible peril. I'm going to need help in the tubes, though.

Apathy: [nods] We can definitely navigate them with the help of other Gnet members. Any idea of where we should start?

Saya: Well, our source to reliable, peer reviewed materials is gone, so where do we go? [strikes a heroic pose, her face lighting up] To Wikipedia!

[KontanKarite]

Someday, I will sleep with you. It will be awesome. *nods drunkenly*

[Apathy's_Child]

Yeah, does that Apathy guy fuck Saya? 'Cause it seems like the kind of thing he'd do. I'm just sayin'.

[Saya]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

Yeah, does that Apathy guy fuck Saya? 'Cause it seems like the kind of thing he'd do. I'm just sayin'.

I was thinking that like Indy in Temple Of Doom, when the plot line wears thin and characters get annoying, you'd just rip off your shirt to distract everyone from that.

[HumanePain]

:said in Daria voice: Tubes. Prepuce. I get it.

Seriously, this is going to be better than Town and Turret, you are amazing! And not just because I figure mysteriously in it (which I of course love), but because the conversations and plot. And I love the imagery too.
You hook the reader with this first post. I am sitting on the edge of my seat. Can't wait for the next installment.

[Saya]

Well, as long as you don't mind being played by Sean Connery in this film.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Saya

I was thinking that like Indy in Temple Of Doom, when the plot line wears thin and characters get annoying, you'd just rip off your shirt to distract everyone from that.

That. Right there. You have captured me PERFECTLY.

[Despanan]

I thought this was a Harry Potter style Gnet fanfic for a minute.

Man, someone needs to write that.

[Versus]

I am thoroughly entertained.

[vindicatedxjin]

I want to write something...But I'm too bashful.

[Saya]

Originally Posted by vindicatedxjin

I want to write something...But I'm too bashful.

I think at this point we're all too self absorbed to really care if the fiction is good or not. Join us, Vin!

[MissCheyenne]

Yes, join us.

[vindicatedxjin]

Peer pressure...I think I'm gonna have a panic attack.

[Versus]

One of us. One of us.

[Saya]

Forever and ever and ever.

[Solumina]

Good shit, keep it up

[Saya]

CAMERA FADES INTO AN EXCACATION SITE IN AN INTERNET TUBE. THE WALLS OF THE TUBES ARE LINED WITH RUNNING 1S AND 0S, THE MIDDLE OF THE TUBE IS JAMMED TIGHT WITH PICTURES OF CATS, PORN AND INFOWARS ARTICLES. OVER A DOZEN GOTHS WORK TIRELESSLY AT THE BLOCKAGE TO FIND THEIR WAY THROUGH.

VERSUS IS TAKING A BREAK, LEANING AGAINST THE WALL WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED, LOOKING THOUGHTFUL AND TOTALLY COOL IN A YOUNG MARLON BRANDO SORT OF WAY. HE TURNS AS HE HEARS FOOTSTEPS COMING FROM THE TUNNEL, AND WALKS TO GREET SAYA AND APATHY.

Versus: Glad to see you could find Saya. Where was she?

Apathy: Shelfari, where else?

Saya: [trying to not get lost in Versus's eyes] Versus! You're along for the adventure, then?

Versus: Of course! I was on Humane's team, I feel...responsible for his disappearance [looks into the distance in a noble manly manner]

Saya: Excellent, so I assume you know what he was on to before he disappeared?

Versus: He wouldn't tell me much, he said he wanted to know for sure that his info was good before he raised the alarm. He headed off to Wikipedia, and I went to check on him from time to time. The last time I saw him, he seemed really excited, and said he was on to something really good. But the next time I came to check on him, he was gone. There wasn't a trace of him. Eventually I had to leave and report to Apathy, and when I tried to come back the tube was blocked up again.

Saya: When can the tube be cleared?

Versus: [motions to walk with him, Saya and Apathy follow] The problem is that as soon as the tubes are cleared, more just keeps rolling in. Its like they know what we're up to. So, right now we're working on making a smaller tunnel through the rubbish. If it works, we can get through in a few hours.

Apathy: [rips his shirt off] Just so the audience doesn't get bored, folks.

Saya: Dude, now? Its too early. We have to get exposition in and start the plot.

Apathy: Yeah, but you need a little something to keep people iterested. SCC! Where are you?

SCC: [appears seemingly out of nowhere.] Yes?

Apathy: Whenever I have to become eye candy, I need you to rub oil on me if I'm not covered in a manly sweat.

SCC: It would be an honor, sir!

Saya: ANYWAY, [rolls her eyes but makes a mental note to keep her eye on Apathy and SCC and see where this develops] You found NO trace of Humane at all?
Versus: Well, not exactly. I found this scrap of paper in the halls of Wikipedia. [hands Saya the paper]

Saya: [Frowns] Its...a cake recipe.

Versus: Oh, uh, its not code?

Saya: Unless “beat the eggs” means “beat the Trolls”, and “add sugar” means “give them diabetes”, I don't see how it could be.

Versus: What about whats written on the other side?

Saya: [turns it over] “Find Kontan?” Uh, no. Unless Kontan has the Troll defeating cake, no.

Apathy: Kontan's involved in this? Shouldn't we go find out why?

Saya: If we can find out what Humane knows, we'll know why he wanted to see Kontan. This could just be that he wanted to have cake with Kontan, it doesn't mean we need Kontan to find the Prepuce.

Apathy: I can't help but feel this is a plot point.

Saya: It just might be, Apathy. It just might be.

[vindicatedxjin]

This is marvelous!

[Apathy's_Child]

Awesome. You're funny, Saya.

[Versus]

You're fucking awesome. XD More, plz.

[Murder.Of.Crows]

Its...a cake recipe.
Fucking had me rolling, great job Saya.

[Saya]

Really? You guys are easy XD

[Saya]

SCENE OPENS IN WIKIPEDIA, A LIBRARY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS WHERE USERS TAKE DOWN THE BOOKS, SCRIBBLE PENISES IN THEM WHILE OTHERS CHASE AFTER THEM WITH WHITE OUT. THE HOME PAGE IS A LARGE, OMINOUS DESK WHERE JIMMY WALES SITS, SIGHING DRAMATICALLY AND OCCASSIONALLY JINGLING A DONATION JAR, HOPING THAT USERS WILL TAKE THE HINT.

SAYA, VERSUS, APATHY AND SCC ENTER FROM A SIDE TUNNEL NEAR THE HOME PAGE, LOOKING DISHEVELED, EMBARRASSED AND SOMEWHAT TRAUMATIZED.

Versus: I...I can't say how sorry I am. I had no idea that the tunnel we made would link us with an erotica tube.

ALL LOOK AT THEIR FEET AWKWARDLY.

Saya: Let's....let's never speak of it again.

Apathy: ... Agreed.

SCC: [looks at Apathy with longing] But can we...do it again?

Versus: [clears throat] Anyway, the point is, we're here. Uh, I last saw Humane over here. [shuffles towards the RELIGION section, claw marks burning painfully on his back. He stops at a bookshelf labeled THE HOLY PREPUCE.]

Saya: Okay guys, he had to get his info from here. Let's just spread out and read through.

80'S STYLE MONTAGE ENSUES OF THE TEAM READING AND LEARNING ABOUT THE WONDERFUL HISTORY OF THE HOLY PREPUCE.

VIN ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER, WEARING A REPORTER HAT AND HOLDING A PEN AND NOTEPAD.

Vin: Oh, you guys are here? What a scoop!

Saya: Um, whats with the get up?

Vin: Oh, I decided to blog about the Troll invasion. I heard it on Twitter that someone was down here trying to find a way to stop them, so I had to come by!

Saya: Oh. Say, you haven't heard from Humane very recently, have you?

Vin: No, not in ages.

Saya: Crap.

SCC: Hey, Apathy...do you think its time to...oil up yet?

Apathy: Again? Dude, after...what we agreed not to talk about...I'm not a machine.

SCC: But..I can't restrain myself...

Apathy: Dude, we must control our...urges. There's people here. We're on a serious, dangerous mission.

BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER SADLY FOR A MOMENT, BEFORE GIVING INTO THE PASSION AND TACKLING EACH OTHER AT ONCE. THEY FALL BACK AND KNOCK OVER THE BOOKSHELF.

Saya: Guys! Holy shit, you want Jimmy Wales to hear you?!!! Do you want to get flagged?!!!

APATHY AND SCC GET UP SHEEPISHLY, THEN NOTICE A TRAP DOOR WHERE THE BOOKSHELF WAS.

SCC: Oh hey! A CLUE!

Versus: Now what were the ODDS?

Apathy: [opens the door, revealing a deep dark hole with a ladder leading down.] Oh hello hello, we're discovering a lot of things today.

Vin: What a scoop!

Saya: So, what, is that your new catch phrase?

Vin: Well, yeah, as your sidekick, I'm going to need one.

Saya: Wait, what? I already have multiple sidekicks. My sidekick has a sidekick [gestures towards Apathy and SCC]. I'm all sidekicked up.

Vin: Nuh uh. Versus is your “will they, won't they” love interest that probably won't go anywhere, and Apathy and SCC are currently acting as the comic relief pair, and that's as good as you can do until Kontan and Despanan enter. [grabs Saya by the arm] Besides, we can totally be BFFs! And until I entered this thing was miserably failing the Bechdel test. How can you call yourself a feminist and not include more women in your group?!

Saya: Good point, but you're not...going to fall into racist stereotypes that will horrify all when they look back on this, are you?

Vin: Oh, you mean the whole “Floor is crunchy, like fortune cookie!” thing? Nah, I think I can resist.

Saya: Alright, alright, you can come along. Lets just get this thing rolling, I'm itching to get to a fight scene.

ALL CLIMB DOWN THE LADDER ONE AT A TIME.

[Despanan]

Apathy and SCC are the second string Desp and Kontan.

They are the Go-Bots to our Transformers.

[Saya]

You two are the superior ambiguously gay duo.

Although I'm actually considering separating you two for this one. That may be suicide, not sure if I have the ovaries for that.