Favorite Monty Python Moments/Quotes

[Alaizabel Cray]

ARTHUR: Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
ARTHUR: How does it... er...
LAUNCELOT: I know not.
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments
BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments Chapter two Verses Nine to Twenty-One
ANOTHER MONK (READING FROM BIBLE): And St. Atilla raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy" and tghe Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
BROTHER MAYNARD: Skip a bit, brother...
ANOTHER MONK: ...Er... oh, yes... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt though take out the Holy Pin, then shalt though count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number though shalt count and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt though not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou they Holy Hand Grenande of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall ***** it.
ARTHUR:Right (he pulls pin out. monk blesses grenade as...)
ARTHUR: One, two, five...
GALAHAD: Three sire!
ARTHUR: Three. (Arthur throws the grenande at the rabbit, There is an explosion and cheering from the knights.
ALL KNIGHTS: Praise be to the Lord. Huzzah!

[Crying_Crimson_Tears]

Voice over: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow's
flight away, had discovered something.

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: Who are you?
Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"!
Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"!
Knight of Ni: The same.
Other Knight of Ni: Who are we?
Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!
Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm!
Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice!
Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who
lives beyond these woods.
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!
Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" to you... if you do not appease us.
Arthur: Well what is it you want?
Knight of Ni: We want.....

(pregnant pause)

A SHRUBBERY!!!!
(dramatic minor chord)
Arthur: A *WHAT*?
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!
Arthur; No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never
pass through this wood... alive.
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a
shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.
Arthur: Of course!
Knight of Ni: And not *too* expensive.
Arthur; Yes!
Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO!

(music)

Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Knight of Ni: Yes, it is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
But there is one small problem....
Arthur: What is that?
Knight of Ni: We are now *no longer* the Knights Who Say "Ni"!
Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh!
Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang,
zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm".
Other Knight of Ni: Ni!
Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test.
Arthur: What is this test, o Knights of.....
Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"?
Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find....

ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!!
(another minor chord)
Arthur: Oh not *another* shrubbery!!
Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery,
you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly
higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path
running down the middle.
Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni!
Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest...
Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING!

[Beowulf]

ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery.
May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels
particularly. But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR: What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
RANDOM: Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say
Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
RANDOM: Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til
Recently Said Nee?
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must
place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you
get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must
cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
ARTHUR: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it
is?
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
ARTHUR: What, `is'?
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
saying `is'.
BEDEMIR: My liege, it's Sir Robin!
MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing about
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
ARTHUR: Oh, Robin! ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word!
ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up--
ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
ROBIN: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest.
ARTHUR: No, it is far from--
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again!
ARTHUR: Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it
again!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

Classic !!!

[zombilicious pumpkinfairy]

Peasant1:Most be a king.
Peasant2:How do you suppose that.
Peasant1:He hasn't got shit all over him

[Belos]

Are you ready Seargent?

Yes Sah!

Alright then, confuse -the- cat!

[roserougesang]

I love every single Monty Python but the one that always sticks in my mind is this one: 'My hovercraft is full of eels!'

[Beowulf]

Originally Posted by roserougesang

I love every single Monty Python but the one that always sticks in my mind is this one: 'My hovercraft is full of eels!'

roserougesang,

I love that sketch, its so funny !!!!

`I will not buy this record it is scratched !!!`

[honeythorn]

I actually love the introductory song at the beginning of The life of Brian. " he had arms....and legs.....and hands.....and feet..."

[PersephoneX]

must be king...
how'd you know?
he hasnt got shit all over him!

AND

COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERRANT IN THE SYSTEM!!

[Godslayer Jillian]

Cheese guy-We do have Camembert.
Monty-You do! Excellent!
Cheese guy-It's a... bit runny.
Monty-Oh, I like it runny.
Cheese guy-Well, as a matter of fact, it's very runny.
Monty-No matter, no matter; hand over la fromage de la France qui s'appelle Camembert si vous plaites.
Cheese guy-I think it's runnier than you like it sir.
Monty-I don't care how extremely runny it is, hand over a little spoonful.
Cheese guy-Yes sir. Oh!!
Monty-What?
Cheese guy-The cat ate it.
Monty-I see. Gouda?
Cheese guy-No.
Monty-You do have some cheese, don't you?
Cheese guy-Yes sir, it's a cheese shop.
....
Monty-Gorgonzola?
Cheese guy-No
Monty-Parmesan?
Cheese guy-No
Monty-Mozzarella?
Cheese guy-No
....
Cheese guy-You haven't asked me about Limburguer, sir.
Monty-Is it worth it?
Cheese guy-Could be.
Monty-Ok... have you g... WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY NOISE??? Have you got any Limburguer?
Cheese guy-No
Monty-Tell me something. Do you have any cheese at all?
Cheese guy-Yes, sir.
Monty-I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say no, I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any cheese at all?
Cheese guy-No.

*BANG*

[Slap Your Love]

Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
-Two words-
"Run Away!"

[Quinny]

French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Sir Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot: Am not

---------------------------------------------------------------------

King Arthur: [after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms] Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left.
Black Knight: Yes I have.
King Arthur: *Look*!
Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Gotta love the holy grail

[Godslayer Jillian]

I have never seen it!!

[Quinny]

oh no! The holy grail's my favourite one.

I havent seen any of the flying circus

[Delkaetre]

*whimper*
Speaking of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I was today offered a spare ticket to go see it with one of my campy mates... and I'm trapped in the house with no transport! Big Screen Monty Python, and I'm stuck in the bloody house unable to go to a free screening!

[Slap Your Love]

Ah! Jillian you must watch the Holy Grail it's the best in my opinion. =D

[jebes]

Penis Song

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick.
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.
----------------------------------
Best song in the movie The Meaning of Life and also to hear a drunk guy try to sing in the middle of the street naked.

[Godslayer Jillian]

"I fart in your general direction."

I don't know why, but the fact that he specified "your general direction" cracks me up every time.

[Born Again]

“She turned me into a newt!"
"A newt?"
"I got better.”


“Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non-existence of God, they have decided to fight for it.”

[Born Again]

Oh, and I must not forget:

“My philosophy, like color television, is all there in black and white."

[PersephoneX]

what are you going to do, BLEED on me?

[Alaizabel Cray]

Retreat! Find a place of safety! (Holy Grail - The English subtitles on the Japanese version of the scene where they're running from the cows being pelted over the wall at them by the annoying French guy. I love the collector's edition! It even has a few scenes with subtitles from Shakespeare's Henry IV for those who don't like the film!)

[Linen]

"We are the nights who say 'Ni, Ni!' ".

[Delicate_Torture]

"Where do penguins come from then?"
"BURMA!"
"Burma? Penguins don't come from Burma."
"Oh, sorry. I paniced."

[Draconysius]

I adore the Spanish Inquisition sketch, also the fish-slapping dance. It's short, but so effective!