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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
02-28-2008, 07:06 PM
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#1
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 4,448
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Dead On Arrival
A new song I've been working on for the Bloody Ovaries.
Dead on arrival
Dead on arrival
Dead on arrival
Gunshot in the face by a rival gang
Shot because he had the wrong name
He sold them some drugs
Big time heroin user
Almost an abuser
Dead on arrival
Dead on arrival
Dead on arrival
Quit the fucking war
We got bigger problems
Lets cut the shit
I wrote this in about 5 minutes, still working on the music. Feedback please!
__________________
Remember, short controlled bursts.
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02-28-2008, 07:09 PM
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#2
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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It doesn't really make any sense to me.
First off, if you're doing heroin, you're not "almost an abuser," you are an abuser.
Second...what does the war have to do with it?
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02-28-2008, 07:13 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 4,448
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War between factions of the punk subculture. Skinheads like to beat up on punks. I'm trying to write a ong that brings the factions together, and condone drug use. I wrote the bleeding thing in 5 minutes!
__________________
Remember, short controlled bursts.
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02-28-2008, 07:14 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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You also asked for criticism, so don't bitch at me.
Anyway...yeah, your message isn't really clear at all, I'd work on it.
Also, why condone drug use?
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02-28-2008, 07:17 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 4,448
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Why? Because a lot of good people dies becasue of hard drugs. Sid Vicious, Darby Crash and Kurt Cobain to name a few. I have no problem with pot, but cocain, meth, heroin, that's the shit that fucks people up.
__________________
Remember, short controlled bursts.
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02-28-2008, 08:00 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Northern California
Posts: 7
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Interesting... it would be nice if people could post music on here...I'd like to hear it with instrumentals.
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02-28-2008, 09:06 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: I'll give you two guesses.
Posts: 61
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I agree with the demented seraphim. As meaningful as some lyrics can be, it just isn't music until it's transformed into audible creation.
Speaking of lyrics, you really should spend a little more time on them. One thing that wouldn't hurt is a little imagination. You know that line about a 'gunshot in the face?' Why not transform that a little? You know, something like, "gunshot elegy destroying grimacing abandon wrought from factioned work," or something like that. Okay, I'll admit, singing that line is going to be tricky, but hey, if your music is worth it, then no one will mind the singing. I know delivery is a part of the process, but also the words behind it matter, too.
Plus, why condone drug use? If you intend on bringing the dead factions together, then why condone something that is sure to destroy them individually? So you can get rid of them? Come on, put some elbow grease into it! Five minutes isn't all you get!
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02-28-2008, 09:57 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormtrooper of Death
Why? Because a lot of good people dies becasue of hard drugs. Sid Vicious, Darby Crash and Kurt Cobain to name a few. I have no problem with pot, but cocain, meth, heroin, that's the shit that fucks people up.
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You idiot, condone means to encourage or advocate.
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02-29-2008, 08:29 AM
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#9
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,721
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia
You also asked for criticism, so don't bitch at me.
Anyway...yeah, your message isn't really clear at all, I'd work on it.
Also, why condone drug use?
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Ha, 70% of my prose condones drug use. Contrary to popular belief, it CAN be done responsibly and fairly safely.
Stormtrooper - I find it hard to comment on song lyrics, as they're inseparable from the sound in terms of overall effect. But honestly, I thought it was overly simple without really getting to the heart of the matter, if that makes sense.
__________________
All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs
Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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02-29-2008, 05:13 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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Your band name is The Bloody Ovaries?
Almost as bad as Pleasant Road...almost.
But seriously...are you a punk band? Because if so I can get the name kinda but it is pretty cliche.
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02-29-2008, 05:32 PM
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#11
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 4,448
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No, we're a noise band. Big Black mixed with Helmet and 80's Japanese Hardcore punk. So not really a punk band, but still are kinda. I bring the punk element to the band, everybody else has different influences.
__________________
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