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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

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Old 06-07-2013, 01:20 PM   #1
paradox
 
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Critique on my beginner poetry...?

In my introduction, I specified that I consider myself a 'baby bat' because I'm quite new to the Goth scene. I've been interested in it for a long time, but I've only actually participated a little while ago. One of the many things that turned me toward the subculture is its literature; I absolutely adore poetry... So I tried it. I know I'm terrible, so you really don't need to go into detail about why that is or anything, but here are two of my best poems. Read them if you wish and maybe give me some feedback? What am I missing, what can I improve on...? All advice is greatly appreciated. <3

"Don't Let Yourself Go"
My eyes are mirrors, reflecting the wrong that I see:
I behold the Mindless and what they are striving to be,
"They own the perfect ideal, they're so much better than me."
Puppets try to open the box, but marionettes have the key.
Don't let yourself go, don't let yourself go;
They hold more secrets than you will ever know.
Don't let yourself go, don't let yourself go
because they will not stop until you finally join the show.

Until the glass hearts shatter, the spades will prod;
Reckless action be produced by thoughts reduced.
The beautiful ones have made Perfection their god,
and by Perfection's impossibility they have been seduced.
Don't let yourself go, don't let yourself go;
They shall not release you when you desire home.
Don't let yourself go, don't let yourself go;
They will take you down with their axes and arrows.

"What It Means To Die"
Watch the counter-clockwise sunrise as it blooms:
Where has it gone, our flickering city of stars?
Heartbeats freeze as we await our pending dooms;
Sometimes we seem to assume this world we live in is ours.

In a violent virtual reality, where do you retreat to
when uncontrolled madness is the only emergency exit?
Breaking the void, lightning crashes through the black and blue
like your knife through my flesh; death is the way out, I found it.

Staying awake to chase a dream and feeling the sound of silence:
Guilty until proven otherwise because we've executed innocence:
This world's on it's way to Hell, consumed entirely by violence;
When we arrive I doubt that anyone will notice the difference.

We are all falsely true, and we die repeatedly every day.
Standing still while we watch our moon fall from the sky:
Where is our path? It seems that we have lost our way.
Will it take until the end to teach you what it means to die?

Tell me what you think, loves!
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Old 06-11-2013, 11:12 PM   #2
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I enjoyed the first one, the second seemed more a diatribe than poetry.
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Old 06-12-2013, 09:51 AM   #3
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I see... Thanks for your feedback.
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Old 01-31-2014, 04:40 AM   #4
Lady Ruthven
 
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Well they're better than mine!

Personally, I preferred the first one. Something about the rhyme scheme I think.

If this is your beginner work, you're a good writer. Keep going!
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Old 02-01-2014, 01:55 PM   #5
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I truly like your writing. Especially when I'm feeling so sick right now, it had an effect on me like no other.
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Old 01-19-2023, 02:11 AM   #6
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Lovely! I think the first one flows better than the other one
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Old 02-15-2023, 07:25 PM   #7
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Wow! You're did a great job on this. For me, I love the first one.. residential power washing services MN
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