What to do about a cutter/suicidal friend

chelseagirl · 03-20-2008, 08:36 AM

I have a close friend who has had periods where he would cut himself. Recently though, about a month and a half ago, I think he's started to move more towards being suicidal. We (whenever I mention "we", I mean me and a several other friends close to him) got him to agree to go see a counselor. The counselor recommended he go in for in-house treatment, but he won't do it and has stopped seeing the counselor.

We have been talking, and have pretty much decided that we should call his parents (although, he is 33 years old, not a kid) and see if they would be willing to take legal action so that he could be committed involuntarily.

I feel this is the best course of action, because I'm afraid he's going to really hurt himself, or worse. However, I also feel a bit strange about it because I also feel as if I'm betraying him in a way. I'm also afraid that if he is committed, he will end up losing the really good job that he just got.

Some of our other friends feel that he's not seriously suicidal and that he's just doing it for attention. For example, he'll send me, or other friends, text messages like "I just cut my wrists-I love watching the blood drip on the floor". I do agree that he's obviously doing this for attention, but I think he has severe mental issues and I do think it could evolve into actual suicide.

I'm quite sure that his mental issues arise from when he was 8 years old, he was r@ped by a male family member, and he has never been able to come to terms with it.

Do you think trying to have him committed is the right course of action?

DeathToLems · 03-20-2008, 09:13 AM

I would ask him (If your willing to hear everything he says)to speak to you about everything and ask him whats going on. And tbh if he was gonna kill himself he probably would have done it by now. This seems liek a cry for help but going about it in the wrong way.

chelseagirl · 03-20-2008, 09:33 AM

I've tried having heart to heart talks with him, and others have too, but he just blocks us out or will tell us he's fine and then change the topic and refuse to talk about anything.

It's like he has this barrier up. But, I don't understand it because if his talking of cutting himself and suicide and stuff is a call for help, why won't he open up when people who love him are answering his call?

DeathToLems · 03-20-2008, 10:14 AM

I'm not going to give anymore advice. I don't want to be held responsible if anything worse happens. All I can say is be there for him.

chelseagirl · 03-20-2008, 10:26 AM

Thanks for the advice you did give though.

I just called and left a message for his parents, hopefully this is the right thing to do.

DeathToLems · 03-20-2008, 10:31 AM

I think giving them the heads up will make them try to find out whats wrong with him and go about it in the right way lets hope. *fingers crossed*

ionic_angel · 03-20-2008, 10:32 AM

Letting those close to him know what is going on is the best thing you can do right now. People trapped in despair want attention, and sometimes they want help, but they also doubt that it is possibly to be helped and/or they fear rejection.

Ultimately, no matter what your friend does, it is his choices that determine his quality of life. Other people have had terrible childhoods and learned to rebuild. What he needs to see is that it is POSSIBLE to have a better life...the rest is up to him.

Apathy's_Child · 03-20-2008, 10:44 AM

I would see about having him committed if I were you. Just because someone is attention-seeking doesn't mean they aren't serious. He'll probably be furious, and may even hate you for a while (or even forever...... be aware that it's possible), but when he's had time to calm down he'll hopefully see that you couldn't just do nothing. I get what DeathToLems is saying about it being a cry for help, but if he's always been the cry for help type, but is getting even worse, then something needs to change. That's what I'd do if it was someone I cared about, anyway.

Whatever happens, he's lucky to have friends who care this much about him. Good luck.

chelseagirl · 03-20-2008, 10:52 AM

Thanks guys! I'm getting really nervous waiting for his parents to call me back. His parents never really cared for me, or most of his friends really. Well, it's not so much dislike, but more like we freak them out. They've said that they don't think the "goth" influence is good for him (although, I don't really know what the exact misconceptions they have are).

The irony is that he is a skinhead, but most of his close friends are "goth" types. I'm afraid his parents are going to think that hanging out with us caused his depression problems, thus causing conflict in our trying to help.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me (and him).

Apathy's_Child · 03-20-2008, 10:56 AM

Well, maybe seeing how much you guys care about their son will change their opinion, and show that some goths even smile once in a while.

Catch · 03-20-2008, 02:45 PM

He's 33 and suicidal. Do you know why? Is there something he needs help with? Is he afraid of himself or someone else?

Just talk to him and try offering support for him to get his life together. That's all you should do. Trying to get him commited probably isn't helping him, just making him afraid of you too.

Graveyard.Crow · 03-20-2008, 05:41 PM

You can be suicidal at any age.

chelseagirl · 03-21-2008, 06:55 AM

Well, this ended up badly. I talked to his parents because we (his friends) wanted him to go to a private facility, not be committed to some state run facility, so I talked about that with his parents-so they could figure out the insurance thing, etc. They said they would look into his insurance and see what it covered, etc., and call me back.

Well, they didn't call me back, they hung up and called him and freaked out on him, telling him that I had called them. Now, he's uber mad at me and told me to stay out of his life from now on. Now, I've made the hole situation worse, it seems, because his parents are idiots and are going about everything all wrong.

My friend went over to see him yesterday to bring him lunch (before I spoke with his parents), and she said he was in bad shape, his arms were cut up horribly, and she suspected that he had been drinking - which is VERY bad because he's an alcoholic, but has been going to AA and has 7 years sober.

Dammit, this situation is killing me.

ionic_angel · 03-21-2008, 10:37 AM

Please realize that this isn't your fault. His parent's being brainless is not your fault either.

You might consider going to some of his other close friends who would be sympathetic, or writing him a letter explaining why you did what you did, and why you care about him enough to do this. Other than that, it's kind of out of your control.

Wormboy · 03-21-2008, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Graveyard.Crow

You can be suicidal at any age.

Yes but as adults they usually mean it more than bitchy little pseudo-suicidal angsty preteens.

AngelikDemonik · 03-21-2008, 11:33 AM

Hmm...good luck with it all.

I have absolutely no tolerance for people who will cut themselves or talk about how depressed and suicidial they are, and then get mad when I want to help them.

You clearly are more understanding than that, though.

This recently happened to me and a girl that I know. She is 25, engaged, and has a son. We went out to a club, went back to her house, then out of NO WHERE gashed her wrists infront of me, then yelled at me when I ran to grab her some tissues. I faked being sick, left, and stopped talking to her after that. I found out last week that it really hit her hard as to what she is doing, and started to get help.

You can't help someone if they don't really want help...

There is a suicide hotline number that you can call and talk to them about how you can approach the situation in a delicate manner. I'm not sure what it is, but if you google suicide help, you should be able to find it.

Good luck.

Catch · 03-21-2008, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelseagirl

Well, this ended up badly. I talked to his parents because we (his friends) wanted him to go to a private facility, not be committed to some state run facility, so I talked about that with his parents-so they could figure out the insurance thing, etc. They said they would look into his insurance and see what it covered, etc., and call me back.

Well, they didn't call me back, they hung up and called him and freaked out on him, telling him that I had called them. Now, he's uber mad at me and told me to stay out of his life from now on. Now, I've made the hole situation worse, it seems, because his parents are idiots and are going about everything all wrong.

My friend went over to see him yesterday to bring him lunch (before I spoke with his parents), and she said he was in bad shape, his arms were cut up horribly, and she suspected that he had been drinking - which is VERY bad because he's an alcoholic, but has been going to AA and has 7 years sober.

Dammit, this situation is killing me.

It's going to be difficult to get back into his good graces again. He just needs some help with something, maybe not even psychological help, maybe just a friend that stands up for him. Of course, if there really is an emotional or mental problem, he will have to recognize that he needs help from someone else. Unfortunately, unless he thinks he needs it, no one can help.

LaBelleDameSansMerci · 03-21-2008, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngelikDemonik

I have absolutely no tolerance for people who will cut themselves or talk about how depressed and suicidial they are, and then get mad when I want to help them.

The thing about some people who cut themselves is that they do it because they like it and may not want to stop.

DeathToLems · 03-22-2008, 07:29 AM

Woah it sounds like exactly like what AD said

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngelikDemonik

... talk about how depressed and suicidal they are, and then get mad when I want to help them.

For him to go mental at you like that is really out of order. But if you think about it, that was expected really.

He's got a problem and people with problems need help. They know that but when someone tries to do the best they can think of to help them they flip out!
This guy sounds like he don't know what he wants.
OK so maybe telling his parents about his situation and telling them that its so bad he needs to be put in to a home could have sounded way worse to him then what it actually is. But for all this grief to be put on you is not fair, and with you trying your best to help him has turned him against you. I think you should do what AD done and not talk to him for a while. He needs to realise that you saw what he was doing to himself and that it made you worry so much for him that you actually had the heart to try and help but he shot you down and turned his back on you.
Hopefully he will realise that you was there for him and now after doing what a REAL friend would do in this case it's going to be him that loses you because of his actions.

I would also write a letter or something to tell him how you feel and why you done what you thought needed to be done.
Mention how worried you was for his sake and you didn't want to lose him over something like this. Something that can be controlled. Its short term relief so it will make him want to keep doing it. Cutting isn't gonna solve anything.
Once you've wrote everything you want to say its up to him to sort him self out and see how harming himself is harming you too.

(p.s I have a friend who just stopped talking to me and seems for no apparent reason. This is why I agree on the letter writing. Or some kind of explanation why they don't want to talk no more)

AngelikDemonik · 03-23-2008, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaBelleDameSansMerci

The thing about some people who cut themselves is that they do it because they like it and may not want to stop.

I remember someone saying before "It's not the cutting that's the problem, it's the reasons behind it."

Catch · 03-23-2008, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngelikDemonik

I remember someone saying before "It's not the cutting that's the problem, it's the reasons behind it."

That is so true. Middle aged White Men are the number one suicide rate. Probably because there is so much identiy associate to sucess and contributing to the community. Still there are other ways to cope with this besides institutionalizing him. Maybe he would feel more connected to the world again if he worked as a volenteer. If he's out of work, he needs to get a job. If someone embarassed him related to work, he may need some time to get over it and realize that he is a good person or want to talk about it. Usually positive reinforcement works better than continually dwelling on the flaws. He has been hurt. It's difficult to get over.